You Had To Take The Garden Tools?

So the man I will now call the Ex quit us again on Monday August 26th when he left to drive across the country to the new job. Keeping on mind that he was not unemployed here. In fact his job paid more than this new job, was permanent and offered health insurance. The new one has no benefits. I really could care less as long as he pays the monthly amount he is supposed to. But he could not pay it while at his old job and surely won't be able to pay it with the new job either.

Whatever.

I have been struggling a lot with this over the last week and a half which is likely why I have not posted. I have read a lot of mystery books on the kindle and slept. I go to work, I get the kids, we hang out, they go to bed and I read or sleep. If I sleep before midnight I am in a funk and I have been crashing at 10:30. Bad sign. His leaving was sort of like being hit over the head with reality. Oh boy. This guy really is a selfish bastard. That was hard to deal with. It feels like I never really knew him.

Of course I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of things....a rental property and our home. Getting kids to and from school. Full time job. homework. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Three weekly therapy appointments, extracurricular stuff, five cats, the yard...And not getting a break from any of this...I think psychologically not knowing when I will get a break is the most challenging.
My babysitter has suddenly turned flaky. And I can't seem to find a new one. And is he really going to come back in may? I have no trust. And he won't have a job so how will I pay for child care?

The kids' behaviors are, understandably, terrible. My son's attitude is worse. My daughter has said several times she "wants to die". She has tried to run away from the after school program. Is throwing things at school and threw a water bottle at me while driving.

I just feel beat.

Funny thing is that I can handle the behaviors. I can handle just about everything. What I am struggling with us the idea that I will not find a partner who wants to be a part of this. Who could blame a guy for not wanting to join this "fun"? I think of the men in my age range who have their
kids a few days a week and they are probably loving their every other weekend of freedom. I don't blame them. I would love it too. Since I don't see any real shared custody in my future, anyone 

I was serious about would have to be willing to commit to full time fatherhood with my kids and part time with his. In a perfect world they would all be OUR kids. But clearly this is not a perfect world. 

I get mad at my divorced or separated friends and their custody arrangements which are more favorable to them getting to breath and maybe find a partner. And they don't have to find a man who is willing to be a dad to their kids because the actual dad is doing a good job. 

I know I am supposed "accept" that this is what it is. I have a friend who is like "oh well" when I express these concerns. Frankly, I don't really feel much like "accepting". I am angry and I am sad and I am tired and I am stressed out. 

I can "accept" that my ex is a self man with a lot of issues. I can "accept" that he may or may not be a part of the kids' lives. I can "accept" that I will likely be raising these kids alone and that I will not meet an actual partner who wants to be a part of this family.

I can "accept" those things. But I don't like it. And let's be honest. When folks are honest with themselves, I doubt they are saying they hope to have two challenging young children to raise on their own while working full time with minimal support. 

And if someone is looking for that, I would love for them to come over and help me out.

Oh and I figured out yesterday the Ex took my garden tools to his work and did not return them. So in addition to not being able to get out to hike or bike I can't do my yard work, which calms me down. He seriously had to take my garden tools?

If He Had Not Quit The Family I Would Have To Fire Him

Finally was able to sit down with my ex and nail down some of the details. He had not been at all forthcoming. So last night I asked the questions that one would (or should) consider important when considering quitting their job to take a temporary position and move across the country and leave your family. Questions like...how much the job will pay. Will you get benefits. What will your expenses be.

The great new opportunity involves a pay cut of three to five thousand annually. Which would not be a big deal except he is always complaining he has no money. He insists that there are many opportunities to freelance that will pay thousands of dollars apiece. I will believe that when I see it. He is not sure how much his rent will be but says it will be "cheap". No health insurance.

I wrote out his expenses. He should be paying $740 in child support. He pays for the after school program which is $480 per month. I included the $480 in his expenses. With all of his bills and the $480 he has $150 for food. Nothing to cover the $260 in additional child support. And for the last two days he has been insisting he will send extra for babysitting. Really? How?

I brought up that the plane flight between our city and the city to where he is going is a good five hours. It would take a day of travel. And a day to return. So while he promises visits every 4-6 weeks, will they be for 24 hours? No answer. And they would be paid for by the money he plans to earn at the freelance jobs. Huh.

What was amazing was how unconcerned he appeared considering what he is doing. I feel duped. Like I never really knew him.

Here We Go Again...

Well my giddiness over Jacob was short lived as my ex told me the following last night:

He thinks he can commit to staying in our city for five years if he can do the following: accept a job in Florida that will last until May and that starts next week.

Seriously? And guess who hooked him up with the job? The girl he had been talking to without my knowledge last year. Imagine that. Is this in response to my saying I wanted to date?

I don't think it really matters how I feel. He made some comment about not wanting to pass up this opportunity.

This is the entire school year. My son will fall apart and it will be me who has to deal with the horrible behavior. I never got to take a trip for myself and now won't have that opportunity. I had a big hike and a bike road race planned that I will not be able to do as well. Never mind the fact that I will not have any breaks from the kids unless I can get the sitter to come. For $15 per hour. I will have to quit my second job which gives me a deal on my gym membership which means I will have to give up the gym membership too. And what happens when the job ends in may? He will have no income. How will he be able to contribute?

I really should not be surprised. This man is clearly very selfish. What is sad is how jealous I am of the friends I have with custody arrangements where the dad wants to see the kids. I am jealous of this for the kids and for myself. Is it unfair that I want time to myself too? 

My brother says he is looking forward to seeing him in jail when he does not pay the support he is supposed to. I just feel overwhelmed and trapped in my own life.  And this will sound terrible, but I would like to meet someone some day. And how am I going to date or meet people if I never have time away from the kids?

Oh Boy...

Today I met "Jacob".  We had been emailing one another for several months and were finally able to meet. He is a nursing student who is working and in school full time. I knew from our emails that we were on the same page with a lot of things. I had sort of given up on him though, because after a few weeks of regular emails his communication became sporadic. It could have been the end of the summer semester and the chaos that went along with it. Or maybe he had met someone. Regardless, i put him out of my mind.

We met at a coffee shop for lunch. He actually looked a lot like his pictures, which should not be shocking but is....tall. Not as skinny as he appeared in photos but in a good way. Not scrawny. From our emails and his commenting he had a hard time meeting people, I anticipated he would be shy. I was right and had to make a lot of the first efforts toward conversation. Somehow he must have gotten more comfortable because we talked for three hours! He is a handsome man, with a kind of intense look on his face. But when he smiles...his smile lights up his whole face. He is extremely handsome when he smiles!

We talked about many things...his classes, the sorry state of the healthcare system, what led him to go back to school, the obsession folks have with money, our kids, our relationships, how our relationships ended, our feelings about our relationships, our 20's and our lack of deep friendships in our 20's, gender roles, our careers....So interesting...he decided to go back to school for a more meaningful career as he was a car technician. He made great money but was not happy. He was willing to cook and clean and grocery shop while his ex worked but she was not happy with this arrangement. We never know the truth of peoples past so I take it all with a grain of salt. But I would happily take that arrangement.

I admit I really liked him.  I am attracted to him physically but it is the emotional connection that makes me so interested. It was by far the best conversation I have had since embarking on this adventure. And did not need a margarita to have it. 

I hope he liked me. He is definitely shy. When we were leaving I told him we should get together
again and to let me know when he would be free. We will see if he follows up. 

And Last Night I Spoke With...

We will call him "Sean". I had been emailing him through the online dating site. Nice guy. Father of two kids. During the conversation it was hard to tell if he was communicating with me as a potential date or business partner! Which was sort of funny. Sean has been in a bad car accident some time back that took months to recover from. He told me that recently, once fully recovered, he suddenly realized he had an aptitude for physics and information systems. He believes his IQ has increased significantly. And he would love to help me to achieve spiritual enlightenment.

I asked if he has spoken with his doctor about his new abilities. Oddly, he has not.

When Daddy Moves Back Home...

Somehow this came up last night. I don't remember exactly how but it threw me for a loop. I told the kids that it was likely that daddy would not be moving back into the house...the kids start to freak out...I reminded them of a few of their friends whose parents live apart. My son immediately asked if we were divorced...probably because his friends had used that word. I told him no, that we were separated. I told the kids that it seemed their dad did much better not living with people. That living with people made him yell a lot. My son pointed out that he had roommates. Yes, I told him, but he stays in his room most of the time. My daughter, who had initially started to cry but acknowledged things were better at home without dad living there, fell asleep. I spoke for awhile with my son who felt that daddy not living in the house was his fault and that he was "bad".  Not sure I made any headway on that but I tried to assure him that he was not at all bad, that daddy just had a hard time living with others and being s pleasant person. My son also seemed to equate divorce with never seeing the person again.

Well, at least we had some discussion...

Online Dating...And Sneaking Out Of The House at 38....

I mentioned in a prior post I am trying online dating. Why not? I have met four guys in person so far from my efforts....

The first: we will call him Blake. Nice guy with a PHD in Physics or engineering. Socially awkward as many brilliant people are. We met at the rock climbing gym. No real connection, but nice guy. Turns out I had actually already met him on a meet-up group hike.

The second: we will call him Todd. He had I had emailed one another some crzy amount of times before meeting. We had talked about so much already it was nice. I was not attracted to him based on his online photos but enjoyed our conversations. The date went well. Better looking to me in person. But he is 11 years older than me and I don't think he is very active. Nice guy though, so when he asked to get together again I said yes.

The third: "Max" and I had great rapport online, cracking jokes back and forth but spoke of nothing of substance. Our meeting consisted of two hours of him telling me about hunting experiences. Ironic being that I am a vegetarian.

It was during this meeting that I felt like a teenager sneaking out of the house. My ex was going to watch the kids and I told him I was going on a hike. Not sure why. I am new at this. So after I left "Max" I pulled into a parking lot and changed into my hiking clothes before heading home. Funny being that I pay the mortgage.

The fourth: "Poo" gets this name because he was the worst. A big bike rider he wanted to meet for a ride. He is also a fireman. And a jerk. I can assume he took one look at me, decided I was a no, and proceeded to ride without care as to whether I could keep up or was comfortable on the road rather than the bike trail. Funny, for someone so particular about looks, he was an overweight, pasty guy with a very high voice!

And so it goes. I figure this is a numbers game. I won't meet just anyone and feel we need to converse quite a bit online before meeting in person.

In the meantime,if you know any great guys.... ; )

I'm Back....

I have not been posting for awhile...went through a rough patch in early July when I found out from a friend that O, my crush, was seeing someone and apparently "in love". I felt hurt, angry, confused...I don't think it would have been so bad if he has actually told me this during any of the many conversations we had on this topic...but no. I don't understand it but I have moved past it.it was hard because I felt that if any guy could appreciate someone like me it was him...remember I am seeking someone who is cool with the fact that i am not much for makeup or getting my hair done. This seems rare, unfortunately. If O was not into me, than who would be....I also felt hurt on the friendship level. If we were good friends, why not tell me he was seeing someone? Heck, give me hope that I can find someone one day.

Men.

After getting through those emotions, I began online dating in earnest and also took my kids on a 20 hour (each way) road trip to Glacier National Park, where we camped, hiked, swam and generally had a great time. The kids rocked In the car. I think the trip went really well. I enjoyed the driving and it was my first camping experience without friends.

Came back and picked up with the online stuff and have met a few folks. Online dating is an experience. I will write a separate post for that.

Told my ex that I am meaning to start dating. He said he did not expect me to wait for him. Wait for what? He is not out of town in school or work. He is not in another country at war. I told him I don't want to live this way. That I want a partner that lives in the house. He went on about how he does not want to live here...that there is nothing for him here. Yep. Just his family. I asked if he would commit to being here for five years. He said no. Nice. So now that my kids are getting all attached to dad again I know at some point the shoe will drop. I told him that it is probably time for finalizing a divorce. How do you stay married to someone who is unwilling to commit to living in the same state with you and your/their kids?

This kids started school this week. Time flies. Life goes on.

I Like Him...I LIke Him Not...

Went camping again with the crush, who I am now calling "O". O had mentioned on wednesday that he was considering going. I told him to let me know, as we had nothing going on until Sunday. Aside from the whole crush thing, I enjoy camping with O. He goes to places I have not been and is a confident camper....he knows where you can camp that is not a campground. The reality too is that he is a guy and it is different for a guy to camp in the middle of nowhere with his kids than for a girl with her kids by herself. As bad a** as I like to be I don't want to be stupid.. It is also nice for the kids to entertain each other and the extra set of adult eyes, so if I am invited I go for it.

So when O confirmed he was going we went along. My camping stuff is pretty well ready and easy to pull together. The kids had a great time. We relaxed. I actually slept well. I almost told O that I had feelings for him. Almost. I wish I had now. I just want to get it out. If he is not interested it would be a bummer and I would feel bad but I sort of feel it would be better than wondering. I do hate to lose the friendship and my adventure buddy which causes me to hesitate.

So I have decided to list reasons why it would be GOOD if O is not interested. This way if he isn't I will have a list of why that is not such a bad thing...

So here goes:

1. He is 11 or 12 years older than me. I don't have an issue with this, to increase the odds of having a partner around longer, someone who is say 42, rather than 49, could be positive.
2. His son makes my son look calm and easy to handle. I am not kidding. He was climbing trees well higher than my comfort level and singing songs like "hey sexy lady". He can be rude and talks to you like you should do what he says even though he is 8. My son does that to me but not to other adults.
3. The fact that we work together.
4. Income. I will not make income a deciding factor as long as a man can support himself and his obligations. But heck, if I am looking for a plus as to why I should be okay with him not being interested I will throw that out there.
5. He is pretty frugal. His ability to save is amazing and I admire that. but would he give me a hard time for my spending?
6. He does not have heat in his whole house...cold!
7. He may be more stubborn than me.
8. I think he may have a lot of stuff lying around like my now ex...
9. He has already done some of the things I want to do..and while I know he wants to do them again, perhaps it would be more fun to do these things with someone who hasn't yet done them.

I suppose only time will tell. Friends say to "enjoy" having this crush. How do you enjoy it?!

On another note, my now ex husband was supposed to spend the day with the kids yesterday so I could make bread with a friend. When I texted him at 9:30 to see if 10:45 worked I did not hear back. I texted his work and personal phones. I called both phones. By noon I was concerned. By 1:30 I was starting to panic. He called at 2:15 and told me he had been up all night sick and fell asleep at 7:30am. One would think he could have sent a text to give me a heads up. I was about to start calling hospitals. He has done this too many times it is hard to know whether or not to believe him.

Happy Birthday

Plenty to update...my birthday was on Friday of last week and I turned 38..the day before I went to dinner with a friend and her husband. I took Friday off and got to go on a 27 mile bike ride which was awesome! My longest in some time. I did some shopping for the camping trip we were going on the next day as well as for a small BBQ that night for my birthday and the birthdays of two friends.

The BBQ was nice. My crush did not come, which was a bummer but also a relief. After the get together things got interesting.

One of my friends has been interested in having me meet someone she knows through work who is divorced and interested in deleting people. She had wanted to set us up on a blind date which he was uncomfortable with. She came up with an idea and so a plan had been set for us to meet in a casual environment with a focus in order to eliminate as much awkwardness as possible.

She was telling our other friend about the meeting. It might get complicated here so i am going to assign letters to the two men involved to identify them. We will call my "crush"  "O". We will call the set up guy "M".

Apparently she said something about how she thought that O and I could be a good match but that I did not seem interested in O, possibly because of discomfort of our working together. So she wanted me to meet M. Funny because I feel like my crush on O is written all over my face.

Because this is how I operate, I started to panic. What if O has been telling my friend he is interested and she is telling him to look elsewhere because I am not.  I am sure M is cool and ultimately M may be a great match (or not). But I am definitely interested in O. Honestly I can care less about dating
right now unless I am thinking about O. Since M comes highly recommended I will meet him. But
the online stuff is not appealing. I don't need to go seeking a guy. At least not today.

So I email my friend and let her know that I heard from our other friend that she felt that while O and I could be a good match, that I was not interested in O. I told her that I actually am interested in O. I
told her how I came across his profile online on one of the dating sites the night before and that actually reinforced my feelings. It was funny because I did not even realize it was O until I got to the rest of his photos. It sounded like him but I did not click on it knowing it was him.

I bit my nails in nervousness waiting to hear from my friend. Fortunately I had a camping trip
planned with the kids so I was busy,  Again because of the way my mind works, I was convinced that she must know if O was interested in me. Why I would assume that I don't know. She and O are good friends. But so are she and I and I'd had not told her!

So I was convinced I would hear back with a yay or a nay. Which of course I didn't.  She asked if I wanted her to confirm that he was not seeing anyone. She said assuming he wasn't she thought I should tell him I am interested. She feels if he is not interested, because he is a great guy, he will be
nice about it.

Awkward. Feels like high school.

So I am waiting for her to ask. No hurry mind you. Because I am not sure I can really tell him how I feels.

Camping, by the way, was awesome. We went to a lake and camped there. We met friends and all the kids swam in a lake and then we went on a little hike to a river and played in the river. The kids had a blast. We are going on another adventure with these folks in July.  I felt good about being able to set
up our tent and get us set up. The best part was at the end when my friend's husband said it sure was easier with three adults. I had felt like they were doing me a favor inviting me. Turns out I was able to help!






Apparently she said something about how she thought that

Weirdest Thing...I Like My Kids

The kids have now been with me just over two years. I have loved them since day 1. But I am starting to like them. Today I got out of work early and instead of grabbing a coffee and a few minutes to myself as I would normally, I picked the kids up early (to the delight of my daughter and horror of my son).

I want to spend time with them. I am no longer afraid of being with them by myself. I have it covered.

Pretty cool.

One Tough Mama

I should probably provide a visual of what I look like before I continue...

I am five feet tall. Maybe 5'1" with shoes. I weigh about 115.

My point is that I am small. I would say I have average strength. I run and hike, but do zero weight training.

This weekend I pushed the envelope on strength. Part of my determination to not have the kids miss out on anything because Dad chose to leave the family.

Saturday I went to Lowes. I purchased a sledgehammer as well as 18 large bricks for my yard. I put the 18 bricks in a cart with the help of a nice store employee. After purchasing the bricks I somehow maneuvered the cart to my car. It got stuck once. Some nice young employees (who looked so young I felt old), offered to help. I told them I had it. Got the bricks home. Unloaded them all and moved them to the backyard. Someone had mentioned Lowes would deliver. But this is something I could do.

I then moved heavy pieces of wood out of my garden and used the sledgehammer to bury the nails that had held the wood in place.

I forgot to mention the 22 mile bike ride earlier in the morning,

Sunday, after taking the kids to a trampoline gym, I took them to REI. There we tried one of the carrier backpacks with my daughter in it. She weighs between 42 and 44 pounds. Probably too big for the carrier. But I managed to get her in there and on my back...to the amusement of the store 
employee helping me. I walked around the store with her on my back. The clerk told me that it would be exhausting carrying someone her size. I told him that yes, it physically would be. But NOT 
carrying her would be exhausting emotionally.

I got home and worked on getting the Trail-a-Bike attached. I was worried about trying it because
biking is one thing. Biking with an extra 55'pounds is another, in the meantime I worked in the garden. Used the hoe and a tamper, started lining up my bricks. Realizing I need at least three more trips to Lowes. Wow.

Actually took my daughter out ON the trail a bike. Tough going up hills but not too bad. She loved it. My son was with us and both kids begged for a "longer" bike ride.

Tonight I took the kids to Lowes for more bricks and we went on another bike ride.

I love the fact that as my kids grow up they will expect that a woman can do anything she chooses. I can already envision my son's confusion upon meeting a friend whose mother was not involved in xeriscaping the yard."wait," he will say. "I thought that mom's build the brick walls in the yard...really your dad did that?"

My kids will know that women (and moms) are capable of anything. And that makes me proud.

Maybe A Crush Is Fun...

One of the nice things about being a relatively anonymous blogger is that I can share all the
thoughts I may struggle to say out loud.

So here goes...

I still have my crush and it is sort of FUN.

I think, though am not sure, that we may even be flirting a bit. Hehe.

Biggest problem is we work for the same company. Could be awkward. As with any crush and likely relationship, there are positives and negatives about him. We sure have a lot in common, plenty to talk about, similar thoughts of plans for the future, kids close in age. He is one of those people you don't necessarily think is good looking until you know him and then he becomes extremely attractive. I sometimes feel like we are doing this sort of dance...two adults with interest who are afraid to put it out there...and then I think maybe that is wishful thinking on my part...that I am seeing something that is not really there. That he has thought of me as a friend only.        

Though perhaps frustrating, the good news is that there is no hurry. He is far from an aggressive guy. If anything is to happen, it will take some time to do so. I know this is good, as putting some space between my marriage and something new is important. I would never want to hurt this guy, who has been through plenty himself. Should he have any interest, I am sure he is afraid. I know I am.

So I am going to do the best I can to enjoy having these feelings, which I have not had in years and years. And I will try and enjoy the fantasy that comes with it, reminding myself that the reality is likely very different.

And most importantly, I will remember that no matter what happens, I will ultimately be just fine.

The Ultimate Challenge?

I have been debating taking the kids on a weeklong adventure to a national park. At first I thought "how can I camp in such a glorious place without them?" I realized a day or two ago that my motivation to take them is to actually conquer what is one of my greatest single parent fears. That we will not go on amazing trips because I won't be able to handle them on my own. If I can get them through a flight, a five hour car ride and five days of camping, I can do anything. But is this a challenge I SHOULD take on? Will the kids have fun or be miserable? Will I be miserable?

Many of my friends are taking their kids on these great summer adventures and I want to do the same. With or without a partner.

Ironically, we have already done more this spring than we did last year with my husband around. We have camped twice already. Driven two hours to a friend's cabin and driven another two hours to visit a friend who was camping. We are doing plenty. We are planning another camping trip over the next few weeks. In the meantime I have hiked more than ever. No one is missing out.

I wonder if I would be less intimidated about such a long trip if I had been their mom from day one. On the flip side, I know many less independent women who have had their kids from day one and would not do major travel with them because they themselves are not comfortable with travel on their own. 

I am looking forward to meetingT a friend for lunch today with who I can talk this out.

A few updates:

Yesterday my daughter told me that "k is my biological mom and you are my real mom".

My son actually told his dad he missed me.

My crush actually did text on Sunday morning and wound up coming hiking for part of the day. I kept going when he turned around. I got confirmation that he is indeed 12 years older than me. Not 
sure it matters. We are at similar places in life and heck it is just a crush : ) I am finding that he is very last minute about things. I am not much better about planning. I think he does better when others  take charge and tell him what is happening. I am good at doing that but do I want to? 

Again, just a crush...and it never hurts to have another friend! Particularly one who will hike.

Where the Heck Is My Happy Ending?

I am actually in a decent place though it won't sound that way because I am going to rant again. After seeing three happy couples today during the course of my activities, I am feeling rather irritated. Where the heck is MY happy ending?

Went for a hike this morning with a friend from work and her husband. Every time they referenced each other it was "babe". Ick. So not my thing. If I date a man and he calls me "babe" he will get a mouthful. Regardless, the clearly care about each other and of course, I want that.

Went to pick up my friend for a dance class and saw her husband. They are not sappy sweet. But he hangs out with their kids. Willingly. What a concept. I want that too.

Met some friends at the park. No real knowledge of the dynamic of their relationship. But he works full time and is a good dad. I'll take that please!

Don't tell me that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I know enough. I know their lives are not perfect. That the spouses are not perfect. But compared to what I have..well I will take it. With a big smile on my face.

On the plus side, I suppose it is fortunate that if anyone is lacking a partner it is me. It is amazing how so many girls are unwilling to do things without their partner or alone. Not an issue for me. I will do anything alone (and a good thing as it appears I have been ditched for hiking tomorrow by my crush).  Clearly this is not the case with most others I know. My friend who just had the baby mentioned she did not want to bike ride alone. The husband of the friend I hiked with seemed very nervous about her being on a long hike. Women often don't do things on their own. Sad. Thank goodness I am not one of those because I would not be able to do half of what I do normally. Not 
having a man will not stop me.

The guy I have the crush on said he would call tonight about hiking tomorrow but never did. Hard not to assume it means he has no interest in me. Though in all fairness not everyone wants to spend 8
hours in the mountains on one of their two days off. He could have called. I feel like if he was at all into me he would come. Maybe he does not want to go just with me. That makes me feel lousy.

The funny thing is I am not at all concerned about not having someone to hike with. I think I like
 to have my little fantasy with this guy I have a crush on. If he does not call and does not hike...well I should not be fantasizing about him. And I admit I like the fantasy. So can he just give me enough so I can enjoy my crush? Yeesh.

So where exactly is my happy ending in all of this?

A Nice Long Rant...

Today I got copies of the separation papers that have now been filed with the court. I suppose I am officially separated. Huh.

The kids have behaved decently this week. It is everyone else driving me nuts. A friend planned some ridiculous birthday extravaganza that was going to cost me a fortune and an entire day. And some stress. Tried to do only a part of it at the risk of her wrath. She wound up cancelling at the last minute. Huh.

The friend with the new baby is going on about how if/when her mom moves she will have to quit her job because she is unwilling to send her baby to daycare. Must be nice to have options. Remember I supervise her and her leaving causes me a lot of work. I lose my friend and one of my better employees. What drives me nuts is how clueless she is about how saying the things she is saying is making me crazy. All she can see are her own "problems". Her "problems" are things many of us never had in the first place so it is hard to sympathize. I am sorry that your mother cannot be your child are provider forever. But heck my mother provided child care ummm... Never. I am sorry that "gasp" your child would have to go to daycare. Just like mine. But see I don't have the option to stay home. Even if my now Ex paid the full child support $700 is not enough to live on per month. Oh and I can't get on his health insurance. Don't tell me I never know and that someone could just offer me a new job for 80k. That is absurd. I try and think positive but let's be just a bit realistic.  Don't make crap up that you think will make me feel better. Don't just lie! Empathizing is not that hard. You can say "I see what you mean" or I can see how it feels like you have no options". But do not lie. Friend does not invite me to do stuff. Just throws out these vague "we should get together" comments. But then I have to follow up. I invited her to several things going on but she could not attend because she has the baby. But she somehow found it necessary to throw out that she has plans with some other girl who just had a baby. So really friend, you are so adverse to mommy clubs huh?

I still have a crush on the same guy and try as I might I cannot stop having the crush. The guy is clueless. Seriously.  Even if he liked me it would never go anywhere because he makes me look agressive and I have NEVER even asked a guy out. Yeeesh.

My mother emailed me that a friend of hers would be calling me because she has adopted kids and been through the things i am going through and could be a great resource blah blah. The kids are not really the problem. It is the end of my relationship that is hard. It is not having a partner and having to do all of this myself that is hard. This lady may have adopted but that is where the story diverges, thanks mom for the help.

That is enough ranting. Off to bed....

I Sure Hope That Was Rock Bottom...

This post was written yesterday (Sunday) but posted today (Monday).

I was in such a bad physical and emotional place this past Wednesday through yesterday afternoon that it was hard to know if the physical was feeding the emotional, the emotional feeding the physical, or vice/versa. I had the flu. My husband had to help with the kids. I had to see him. He was helpful. I wanted him back. Bad. Really bad.

I cried. I cried with him, I cried by myself. I am fairly convinced this is the worst I have felt since all of this went down. I like to eat. I mean really like to eat. I have not had a meal since Tuesday. If I had an appetite and ate, immediate trip to the bathroom. While that may have started as the flu, I was not sure when it was still happening whether it was the flu or serious anxiety.

A friend invited me and the kids camping Saturday. Yes, the friend I have a crush on. I felt like crap Saturday morning but knew I needed to go. Not because I have a crush on the guy. But to get out of town. To get away from my life here. To get away from my husband.

I somehow got it together and got us in the car Saturday afternoon. Once I was out of the city my stress level went way down. I felt better driving and even better at the campsite. By this morning I felt relatively normal.

By the drive home, I was back. I could handle my life again.

I am ready to eat. Tonight a bowl of Soup and some potatoes to be safe. Tomorrow?

We will see : )

Happy Anniversary?!

Today was The anniversary of my failed marriage. I had debated how to spend the day and wound up sick with the flu yesterday morning. I slept from yesterday at 11:30am through today at 3pm. Woke up some of course and then went right back to bed. I felt downright miserable. From about 5pm until now I have done little but cry. I have cried and cried. I m going to take NyQuil and go to sleep. I am pretty sure my body crashed due the emotions I am not dealing with. I am working so hard at being a bad ass that I am just beat. I cannot remember feeling that bad as an adult.

I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I don't know if anything can fill that hole. Can hiking man? Can learning to fix my car or set up my swamp cooler? 17 years is an eternity. People say to do what you love but how does that take the place of a partner? My friend spoke of how when she wanted a baby so bad she was willing to trade the partner for a baby. What she and others don't seem to get is that your partner is the one who supports you when you are going through these struggles. No partner you lose that support. And children struggling to attach are not going to fill that hole (nor should they).

To add to a lousy day they are closing my mountain to hiking on June 10th due to fire restrictions. So now I won't have that outlet for awhile.

And here is for the ultimate cap on a lousy day. My oldest has announced that she is pregnant and that I will soon be a 38 year old grandma.

Before I cry again, I am taking NyQuil and a shower. Plent more to say tomorrow.

Do Deer Enjoy R&B and Rap?.

Today was frustrating. My closest friend (the one who had the baby the day my husband quit us) came into my office during work to tell me they were likely going to move out of state. Since her parents are likely moving out of the country and they want to live near family they are moving "home" (the place they grew up). I cannot help but want to scream...am I not enough? I thought I was like your sister! I wanted our kids to grow up together! She is my family. She always said I was like family.. So what the hell? I am pretty open about my feelings and I told her that it is hard for me because I don't have the family connections she does. My parents drive me nuts. Being around them for any length of time is not good of my mental health. I love my brother but he lives in another state in the south and is not leaving. And I am not moving there (tried to live there for about six months and it is not for me).  I don't have friends from my youth. I was always moving. I don't have a home to go to.  This is my home and my friends are my family. I feel like second best. And I am jealous because I want those family and friend connections. It seems it is not her pushing for the move but her husband. I try to remind myself that this is a positive of not having a husband...no one to want to move and me have to move because they want to. But instead I feel more depressed. If I had a good partner, my closest friend moving would not seem like the end of the world. Because I would have my best friend of all living with me.

My friend went on about how I should move too!  While I suppose my husband would not be upset that I "took the kids away" I don't know that I could do that. And I am tired of moving.

Am I really going to lose my husband and best friend in the same year?

After work is went for a hike. During the last 20 minutes I passed two people lounging on a rock, and then a few minutes later noticed a lone deer less than 100 yards from me. It appeared to be a young deer. I have seen deer on hikes but usually there are multiple deer. Not this time. The deer and I looked at one another. It was quiet. Well except for the music being played at a rather high volume by the people sitting on the rock. I could not help but wonder how the deer felt about the music. At one point it turned its head and I kind of chuckled...not my favorite either I wanted to say.

I am not a religious person but I always say that I believe in the mountain and nature. When I see wildlife on the mountain, I always feel it is a higher power showing me that everything will be okay. 
I felt comfort when I saw the deer. The fact that it was alone was symbolic of how I feel. The lone deer was strong and was and will continue to be okay, just like me. 

It was beautiful, looking at that deer on the side of the mountain, and the deer gazing back at me. 

I could have passed on the music though : )

Long Weekend

I am often amazed at how much we packed into one weekend and this long weekend was no exception...took the kids on a long hike, attended a party with them, took them on an out of town day trip that lasted all day, met friends at the park, visited another friend who is close to having her first child, etc. i even started working on getting the swamp cooler going.The kids had decent behavior comparatively. They did great on the car ride on the out of town day trip. Bickering throughout the weekend but nothing crazy.

My husband on the other hand...

Apparently he is getting these headaches that he thinks are migraines. He has not had these in the past. I want to be sympathetic, but I am just out of sympathy. The headaches, oddly, seem to show up when it is time for him to watch the kids. The latest was yesterday when he was supposed to come at 5:30. I got a text at 3 saying he had a headache and was going to try and nap it away. Did not hear from him again until 7:30 when he called to say he just woke up and was on his way. I am out of sympathy and out of trust.

My husband was not the only issue...the day trip out of town was to visit a friend who had been camping. She had invited us to camp but I had not committed because another friend had also invited us to camp and I was not sure that we were going to make it to either because we had a baby shower Saturday late afternoon. Also it is hard to know where the kids will be at emotionally and do I really want to be camping with them. Particularly if my husband is willing to take them here and there so I take a break.

Anyway, I had texted the friend that we would try and come either saturday evening or Sunday for the day. Since she was already camping she did not get my message (no cell signal). When we fousd their campsite, they were off hiking which was totally cool. Because I had not committed to anything I had no expectations. Frankly I was surprised we found the place. When they returned from their hike, we all hung out. Another friend showed up too. Cool. Then my friend wanted to tell me what was bothering her. She was frustrated because she did not know if we were coming and she wants us to come and if we come she wants to do X Y and Z for us and wants to be there waiting but she cannot do that if she does not know we are coming. I appreciate where she is coming from but I don't want to commit unless I am 100%. Which is hard to be right now. On the flip side, I don't expect her to be there waiting. I  don't expect her to feed me. I asked her if it was better to just say no, I am not coming. She said yes it was. Her husband interjected he did not think that was always the case. Poor guy has seen her drive off a lot of friends. She is very dominating. X

She later said something about how she spends a lot of energy trying to come up with ways to help me. I want to tell her to please stop. There is not much she can do but listen. But she is causing me more stress with all of her plans and efforts. I appreciate it, I do. It is sort of like it is just too much. 

Some of the comments she made show she is insulted that I commit to birthday parties but not three day camping trips, but a birthday party is only a few hours!

Lousy Year?

It is funny, in a way, that this is 2013 and I am a bit superstitious. I don't really like the number 13. But when the year was changing I did not worry about it. Barely gave it a thought.

Turns out 2013 will be the year my husband ran away and my marriage ended. And now it appears my closest friend may move away. Nice. I have known my friend for some years. I know she does not love this city and wants to move to the city where she grew up. Since her parents live here and she just had a baby, I figured I was safe for awhile...well her dad got laid off and now her parents are talking about moving. Which means my friend will likely not be far behind.

This is the same friend who was in labor when I realized my husband was gone. I suppose I will have to see that as a blessing of sorts, as I have realized I can get through stuff without her. Since the baby it has been all me in regards to offers to help. Ironic since her husband is right there. As are her parents.

What is difficult with this friend is I think I mean something much different to her than she means to me. She has been my closest friend for some time. I don't have friends I grew up with or close relationships with inlaws. I have my friends that live here and that is about it. I moved a lot as a kid and a lot as an adult. My life at almost 38 reflects that. Sometimes it is lousy but I accept it and figure I will do the best I can with the friendships I have. Without the relationship with my husband, there really is not anyone who knew me in my 20's.

My friend does not need me. She has a reliable husband who adores her. She lived in the same house the majority of her childhood and still has all of those relations. She has her high school friends. She has college friends. She has in-laws. She is close with her parents. Of course she wants to move "home". The loss of me will barely be felt as she is welcome back by a plethora of people.

I have lived in many places in my life. But I have no real connections anywhere. Except my brother.

It is very hard when someone is more important to you than you are to them. For the first time in years I am ANGRY about all of the moving in my youth. About my lack of roots.

I feel myself already pulling away. I am in self protection mode. Angry for relying on this friend at all.

And it magnifies my sadness of not having a partner. If a close friend moves away and you have a partner you still have someone close to you.

I really don't.

I wanted our kids to grow up together. Is it important to anyone that my kids grow up with their kids?

Rant over.

Update

It has been a few days since I posted. I have gotten to enjoy a few hikes (Monday and Wednesday) and have been busy at work. This time of year is typically hectic as far as reports go and between that and getting the kids through the last week of school things have been chaotic!

I found yesterday to be a frustrating day...my husband (being that I have turned in the separation papers, do I still call him that?) made me angry. I told him he could meet me at the house this morning at 7:45 to get the kids so I could go to work. The kids are done with school but camp does not begin until Tuesday. He had offered to take them to his office. He made a comment about how early that was and that he was not sure he could be ready on time. Seriously? I have spent the last four months getting the kids TO SCHOOL by 7:40. So I told him that. And commented that he "sure was living the life".

He started going off on how he was not living the life and how he did not think he could ever get across to me how terrible he must have been feeling to walk away like he did and how he was now 40  years old and had lost everything.  I commented that he always brought it back to him and how he was/is feeling. What about me and the kids? I think whatever he is going through in regards to his mental health is prohibiting him from seeing what he is doing. The all about me mentality is so ingrained in him that his actions are likely subconscious. I asked him about whether he had found a therapist and he said he had just found someone who would take his insurance. Still no appointment.he went on about how miserable he is that he feels this way and he does not know why he can't just be a dad like other people.

When we had calmed down we spoke about other things and he was persistent that he help me with the swamp cooler. Something about how if I was going to look it up online, I might as well have him come and show me what to do.. no thank you!

We will see how things go.

Embarrassed....

I was been debating writing about this but hoping writing it will stop it from spinning round and around in my mind...

Saturday I was hiking with my friend and her family, along with my kids. This is a relatively new friend, someone that I work with, however we have a lot in common so spending time together is easy. My friend works more directly with my crush, but she does not know that I have the crush on him. For obvious reasons I don't want to be real vocal about it.

So we were hiking and she is talking about a guy she wants to set me up with. She said he looks sort of like Tom Berenger (I went home and looked him up and that works). We were talking and she was like "have you thought about ......" and she named my crush! Ahhh. On one hand I am surprised it took so long for her to put it together. On the other I was caught off guard. At first I responded that I did not know, being that we worked together, etc....but as we continued talked I figured I may as well just come out and say it...I don't remember how I put it to her. I just know I am sort of mortified about it now. Did I do the right thing being honest? Now I feel awkward!

The funny thing is that from talking to her I don't know that he really is the best guy to have a crush on. He is apparently very unhappy at work but is not even looking at other options. He seems to have a lot of qualities  that my husband has. Of course he also has some really good ones. Like he is great at saving money. Has no debt. Is a good dad and is willing to work hard.

I hope I handled things okay.

We Did It!

My friend and I successfully completed an oil change today. We were finally able to get the drain plug off after getting a new one inch crescent wrench. The rest was not bad...though getting the oil filter off was a challenge.

It felt so good to do this and to do it ourselves. Subconsciously I think I am afraid my son won't learn things that he should from a dad. Well turns out he AND my daughter can learn those things from MOM. Ironically my dad did not teach us any of that stuff and I turned out okay. Still I am excited to teach them and to learn more. Next we are going to replace the battery and get the swamp cooler going.

Awesome!

Tough Conversation

Yesterday I had a tough conversation with my husband. As I posted last night, it had been an emotional day. I had been feeling down about my physical appearance and that made me angry with. my husband. I should not have to have these concerns. I was also thinking about my friend's offer to organize the garage and my crushes' comment about my husband ever getting his own place. Yes I was concerned that I would lose the free babysitting he provided and yes I was concerned he would just disappear on the kids when faced with having to get a place. But his getting a place is not unreasonable and I would do better without him around.

When I arrived home he was there as he had picked up the kids. I asked him about getting his own place. He said he is "trying to save money right now". My husband is always trying to save money. This have not been an area where he has been real successful. Not sure how he will be now as he actually has to pay rent and a car payment, I had previously covered all of these things. I told him that I need him to work on that because I reasonably need space from him. I then asked for a timeframe on cleaning the garage. He went on about how busy he was...can he imagine how busy I am being that I work full time and am fully responsible for the kids? I am not even sure that he is a full time employee! He ultimately agreed to clean it out within six weeks. Time will tell.

I mentioned to him that this was hard for me and he went on about how "he wished he could explain it to me so I understood..." I told him that it is not that I did not understand. What frustrates me is how he seemed to not be concerned with how his actions would and did affect the rest of us.

After our talk I was energized and cleaned the house.

Emotions...

Today was a day filled with emotions. Where I could sort of see where they were coming from, yet knew they were ridiculous. Here is my effort to explain what I was feeling...

Somehow it "clicked" a few days ago that I am never hit on by guys. Obviously this has not been much of an issue. But now it feels like one. Because if I am going to find a new partner, a new guy is going to have to find me attractive.

I became convinced that my lack of being hit on is due to not wearing make up or styling my hair. The problem is I don't want to wear make up or style my hair. So since I need to for guys to be interested, and I don't want to, I am doomed. This is my thought process. Nice.

Part of these emotions are due to my husband's actions. Though I know it is not about me...that he has his own issues, it does not matter. I feel rejected. The other reason for the emotions is what I perceive as lack of interest by the crush. See, in my mind, the crush should be interested. We have similar interests. Kids close in age. And I think I look good. Why is this man not expressing interest? My head says "it must be something physical".  Ahhh! It is the lack of makeup. I want this man to find me attractive. Why isn't he?

Now I know logically that there is a possibility he does find me attractive. That he comes home and writes about his crush and it is me. Regardless, I am not SEEING interest which makes me feel rejected. Again.

I know he could find me attractive but be hesitant because we work together. Or because he is 10 years older. Or because I am in a higher level position. Or he isn't ready or his kids are not ready. Plenty of reasons and not to do with my physical appearance.


On the hike with my co workers there was plenty of time to talk with my crush when we branched off by ourselves onto what appeared to be a trail. Turned out to be a rather steep, off trail climb. I kept up
though, which in my mind should score some points. It was the kind of adventure I love, and from his stories the kind he enjoys too.  On our way down, he had 90 min to make conversation. But he didn't. It was me asking and him answering. Wouldn't you ask the same question back at least? His not 
doing so made me feel he was not interested. It is funny because at work we can talk nonstop. Hiking 
he was so quiet. I tell myself maybe he feels awkward because he IS interested. I feel like I am 
wishful thinking. I also feel ridiculous. I have not been in this type of situation for so long I am not sure how to handle it emotionally.

So I feel like I have been rejected twice. Which led to the abundance of emotion. And fear that no man will get past my lack of makeup and hairstyle to appreciate ME.

I wish I could stop having the crush. It is not helping at all. It seems to make things worse!  Having a crush opens me up for rejection. Not really up for that yet!

A Realization

Tonight I went for a hike with some friends from work, including my crush. Two of the friends are not hard-core hikers while the crush and I are. The trail was easy and myself and the crush (who I will call C for "crush") decided to go off up a wash to see if it met up with another trail we knew. This is the kind of hike I really enjoy. Adventure! So we went up and up and up. After about an hour or so we found the trail. We did not talk much on the way up. It is funny how he and I can talk for hours at work but out of work it is not as easy. On the way down we did talk a bit and the conversation helped me come to a realization.

I had told him the one of the things I missed from before kids is that I did not have to worry that if something happened to me one of my crazy hikes that I would be leaving my kids. At this point, the sun had set and we were hiking in the dark. On the plus side there were two of us along with two dogs. Compared to some of my prior hikes, this would be considered well prepared. I commented that even though the kids were with husband, I still worried. He said something like "is he ever going to get his own place so the kids can spend the night?". Now, that is a great question.

At first I answered to C that I felt like I was in a catch 22. If I required him to pay the child support that meant less money to focus on getting a place. I also said that since I did not like conflict I hesitated to push him about this. As we continued to walk, I realized that perhaps the real reason I was not pushing him is that I was afraid that if I pushed too hard he would bail completely on the kids. Since I do want the kids to have him in their lives  I hesitate to require too much of him.upon further reflection, I am enjoying my nights out and fear rocking the boat and losing this.

As I mull this over, I am pleased to have figured out some of my feelings. Now what to do with them....do I require my husband step up more? While it is hard to know what is best for the kids, what is best for me in the long term is for him to NOT be this present in my home/life.

My Husband Outsourced His Responsibiliy...

Last night, as I was feeling down, I chuckled. When I started this blog I called it "my husband quit the family". When I had to tell my parents I wrote that he had taken a "leave of absence". Yesterday, as he had arranged for a babysitter when he was supposed to be present, I realized he had "outsourced his responsibility". Perhaps I should consider outsourcing his role for a longer period of time...or laying him off entirely...

The therapist gave me an A+ today regarding my progress with all of this. It must be my sense of humor.

I Don't Like Mother's Day

I don't like mother's day. It is a day that apparently seems to just remind me of what I don't have. I watch my friend with her perfect baby and even though I never wanted a baby I am jealous. Her little boy is so sweet and so good natured and my kids...well sweet or good natured are probably not adjectives to describe them. I am reminded that my kids came to be mine because the mother that gave birth to them did not care for them appropriately. My kids subconsciously know this as they subconsciously miss the woman who gave them life-and their behaviors betray their confusion. Husbands do nice things for their wives to thank them for being the mother of their child or children. Obviously my "husband" is not thanking me. Husbands also encourage their kids to do cute and sweet things and well, that did not happen here. My husband was out of town, supposedly for work.  And could not manage to get back before 10pm. Supposedly.

My son does not listen. He is unpleasant to be with. My daughter makes being moody look pleasant. My "husband" is a fruitcake. I am typing this as tears roll down my cheeks. I am not sure if I can even explain why I feel so sad but I do. I am tired of the behaviors that are coming at me from all sides. I am tired of the well meaning advice of friends about how I need to think positive or be careful not to feel like I cannot be happy unless my life is a certain way (meaning I have a partner), or I should use this time to focus on myself and get to know what I am about. I did not have my kids until I was older. I had time to get to know and to like myself. I know what I am about. All the positive thinking in the world is not going to make my son pleasant to be around. It is not going to make my husband be a good man who values his family. I am doing everything I can to try new things and occupy myself and grow and blah blah. But I just sit here right now cry. I have no groceries right now because I was stupid enough to think my "husband" would be in town early enough for me to shop.

My friend asked earlier today (add this to dumb things to say), would it really be any easier to be with the kids if I had a partner? Seriously? Let's think. I referenced my friends with four kids who make their hellish situations sound like fun. I want that! Why can't I have that? Where did I go wrong?

I think I will arrange for my "husband" to have the kids to himself on father's day...

The Funk

I am still in my funk but do feel better. Tomorrow a friend and I are going to see if we can figure out how to do an oil change on my old car. I bought the supplies we will need and we have the benefits of wireless Internet at our disposal...should be interesting....I am looking forward to ito have no clue what I am doing. I was telling my "crush" about our plans and he offered to hang out with us to answer questions. My friend said she prefers to do it ourselves and I agree. Funny if I did not have a crush on the guy I would not have even considered it. Next project is a bike rack on the car...maybe he can help with that...

Mother's day is a challenge in a family created through adoption. It is a crapshoot how the kids will react. Today my daughter told me she misses the friends she had when she lived with birth mom. She was not even two when she lived with birth mom last and she does not have a memory of her friends at the time. I know she is trying to understand. It is frustrating sometimes, becausetheir is a selfish part of me that wants to be the only mom. Heck, I want to be number one! I will be likely be competing with birth mom forever. I found it difficult tonight to be with my friend and her new baby. He is smiling and cooing at her and my kids are lying and sneaking. Sure, part of it is age. And this little guy will have his days. But the reality is that a lot of the behaviors my kids bring to the table are things that my friend will likely not experience. And I am jealous. I am also jealous of her doting husband who is also a doting dad. Must be nice.

Can I just come out and say that I hate Mother's day? I am not much for holidays anyway and this one is setting me off. I think it is less about the kids' reaction and more my husband's behavior. While other husbands are celebrating their wives for being mothers (and I suppose for making the fathers), my husband had completely flaked on the weekend. Supposedly out of town for work and though he was supposed to be back at 4 on Sunday so I can do my oil change, it now appears that is unlikely.He says he is going to find a babysitter for until he returns. I am sure with 12 hours notice he will find
someone (haha). I wonder if I get to pay them. Not that that will be an issue because it is doubtful someone will be available. I feel so valued!

Not that I know that my husband is where he says he is I have no trust. I looked him up on family. Map and imagine this...his phone is off.

Any wonder why I am in this funk?

Apology (sort of)...

I was frustrated today over the events of last night with my husband. Even had a long talk with my friend/crush about it. I told him that if I had been out of line with my expectations to please let me know. I figured it might help to get a male perspective. He confirmed that my expectations were indeed reasonable. He commented that yes, sometimes kids are inconvenient and interfere with your plans. But they are your responsibility. He also seemed blown away by my husband's "inability" to pay the entire child support amount. He noted that he made a good deal less than my husband (when working 40 hours) yet he makes it work.

When I saw. My husband tonight I approached him about the situation. He said that he realized that he had screwed up. That he had overcommitted himself. That he did not connect that it would be mothers day. I told him the fact that it was mother's day is not really the issue. It is that he did not think at all. Just did what he wanted without regard to others.

It seems he got it.

Taking Responsibility

Call me crazy but I expect my husband to take some responsibility here and there. I know, I know. Crazy.

Tonight I ask him his weekend plans so we can coordinate schedules. Because silly me is assuming he does plan to see his children,

He tells me that he was asked to "help with some projects" which I think is code for "going out of town".

I ask and yes indeed this requires him to be out of town Friday through Monday. Thanks for the heads up. I wasn't planning anything or anything.

He insists he was not told about these things until today. I pointed out that Sunday was Mother's day and it seems odd they would expect folks to work all day on Mother's day. He insists he did not connect this is mother's day weekend. I ask whether all staff are doing this. No just he and one other guy. IS the other guy attending the sunday event?  No. I point out that  he is only paid for 35 hours per week and should not be required to work weekends. He says oh, no, they have upped me to 40 hours. Really?

He comments that he has done everything I have asked...like he has earned a weekend away. Yet if work asked me to leave town, I would have to check with my partner to make sure our children were covered. Must be nice to not worry. He left playing the martyr saying "i am just going to leave because there is nothing I can say". I wind up the one feeling guilty because I hate conflict.

Ergggg.

Seriously

Tonight I asked my husband if he had signed and notarized the papers I had given him. Not yet. It seems he did not know where to find a notary. By 40 you would think he would know. I tell him that the bank will notarize. I asked when I would get the papers back. He hems and haws. Oh he has so much at work, big week, blah blah. He will TRY to get them ASAP. I comment that I feel he is not taking me seriously. He insists he is. He then says he will sign them even if he knows he may never have the amount he needs for child support. I tell him that I sure hope he will one day be able to help in that area because the kids are expensive. He says "yeah even with a government stipend." Meaning the monthly amount we get for the special needs adoption. It feels like he is saying "hey you are getting the stipend what do you want from me?" I know I am overly sensitive but dude, you are the one who took off!

Long Weekend Part 2

Just finished the weekly therapy appointment which never helps me feel much better : )

Back to the weekend...seems the party went okay. The friend who was offended that my daughter had not socialized with her daughter was insistent that I attend her last minute party. I was just plain exhausted by that point and the idea of one more thing to do was not appealing. I think the stress of my parents and my husband and the weekend had done me in. She told me to just come without my parents. Sigh. I think this friend is becoming too high maintenance. It is funny. You want friends to count on you and that you can count on but not this much. Yikes. She said something about how she would just leave her parents for the party. Okay, that is you.

After the party I took my son to the grocery store as he was in trouble for lying. Then we went home and I got started cleaning. And I cleaned and cleaned and the house is still a mess.

It was a relief to go back to work this morning. A relief to be back to normal with my parents going home. What seemed the hardest for me was the seemingly constant reminders of the happy family life I so wanted. I texted a friend Saturday night when I was feeling down and I was trying to explain how I felt. She does not understand and is always saying to "be positive". I think I am being pretty positive. I could be way more negative. I am constantly surrounded by couples like my friends talking about these camping trips and road trips and family time. And my family composition is not what I though it would be. And I am both angry and sad about that. And of course jealous.

Be positive, she says. Should I throw a party? Celebrate getting to date and be rejected like when I was 20? I want a partner. And relatively soon. I don't want to find the partner in 10 years when my kids are uninterested in doing things as a family.

I know it is what it is. I am trying to enjoy them even with their behaviors. I know there are never any guarantees. But the people spouting those words of wisdom are happily saying such things from the comfort of their two parent household. I want my happy ending.

The therapist pointed out that I am never upset about not having my husband himself. It is always about having a partner. Which is a good point. I don't miss him. I am okay without him. But I hope I can get to a place sometime soon that I am satisfied with being a family of 3.

Long Weekend Part 1

This weekend was challenging. My parents were in town and that has been something that has been difficult for me for, well, 20 years. No longer having my husband to be the buffer has increased the challenge. And the fact that now they are "concerned". I know that I should appreciate that they care and want to be sure I am okay. But it drives me nuts.

They came in on Thursday and we had dinner out that night. At one point they tried to pry about my husband but I told them I did not want to talk about it. Which I don't. Friday we had dinner with my friends that had a baby the day my husband took off. Things went reasonably well. My parents took the kids to their hotel that night and I was able to do a little painting and the get up early for a big hike the next day with friends. This hike had been planned by my crush and was on a trail that I had been wondering where it went for some time. I admit i hoped to have been able to actually communicate with him while on the hike. I have such a crush on this guy.. Which makes me feel guilty though it shouldn't. Another friend and her husband joined us. It was a wonderful hike where we made it to south peak and back in under 6 hours. I mainly talked with my friend and I feel disappointed that the opportunity had not arisen to talk with my crush. I feel like I can do really well talking to him at work but out of work I get nervous. Having a crush is hard for me. I am not much of a flirt and I feel uncomfortable. I like to think that he is the same way and that is why this is difficult. Wishful thinking, I know. I know there are other guys out there, but there is something about this one. I felt sad at the end of the hike. Partly because we had not spoken much, but also I believe it was hard hearing my friend talking about her and her husband and all of their backpacking trips and what they planned to do with their kids. And how he supported her through running the new York marathon, my renting a bike and finding her at different points in the route. My husband was eating hot dogs during the marathon while I ran. I just felt so sad about my family composition. I want a partner like that. A dad like that for my kids. I want camping trips and hiking trips as a family. Yes, I know I can take the kids myself. But a partner who enjoys that would make things much more fun and likely a lot easier.

Another friend had invited us to dinner on Saturday night. I had a difficult time transitioning from it he hike to social time with my family. Also this friend is pretty needy and that is a challenge for me. She had decided to have a party the next night as well and wanted us to come. My parents did not want to go but my friend thought i should just break away from my parents. Since I had
Already taken most of Saturday to hike, I did not feel right about that. I was also beat. It is hard to explain to a friend that you chose a different activity for your limited free time them spending time with them, she prefers to be with people. I really don't. When I want a break, I want to be alone, hiking or running or biking.

Sunday I ran the 5k zoo run with two friends. When I went to pick up my friend to go, I burst into tears. Clearly I was stressed. My daughter's party was a few hours away and I am. Of much for parties. Will the kids get along? Will they behave? And this had the added stress of my husband ands parents seeing one another. I just kept thinking that in one more day, this would be over. My parents would be on their way home and the party would be done.

The party wound up going okay. My daughter was happy which was the most important thing. My dad went right up to my husband and said hi and then walked away. Two girls from my dughter's class came and she was thrilled. The needy friend appeared offended because my
Daughter barely spoke to her daughter. Clearly my daughter, who is all of 6, was overwhelmed. And 6 year olds realistically don't know how to divide there time at a party. Heck I don't at 37. I need to head to work and will right more this afternoon.

Angry and Sad

I made the mistake last night of asking my husband if he had signed the separation papers. A reasonable question. He said he had not, but that he would. He then made two comments:

"It made me sad when I saw the cats written in there"

and, regarding the $748 he would owe in child support:

"I don't think I have enough extra money every month to pay that".

I expected that regarding the child support. At first I laughed off his comment about the cats. But around the middle of the day today it just made me really sad. And angry too. After this much time, is the only thing that makes him sad seeing the cats as a part of the agreement? WHAT ABOUT ME?? I am not surprised he was not bothered by the kid portion. Is it not sad that this is a DISSOLUTION OF OUR MARRIAGE? We are coming up on our 9 year marriage anniversary and we have been together for 17 years.

I feel so hurt to mean that little to him. I feel so sad that I meant so little that he could leave like he did and that what makes him sad is not the loss of our marriage.

I cannot help but have some weak moments. I have cried a few times today. The timing of these emotions is terrible because my parents are in town and i need every ounce of strength and positive attitude to handle my mother. It was hard enough having them visit when things were going good and when I had my husband as an ally. My friend says I should appreciate having them there. I know they mean well and I feel guilty for not wanting them here. But I don't want to talk about this stuff with them.

I may be approaching "that time of the month" which is surely not helping my emotions. Also either allergies or a cold are bugging me.

I am having one of those days where being single does not feel fun. When I want my husband back. When 15% of what I want in a partner feels "reasonable". I have to aim for better. I know that. I am worth way more than what he is offering.

Ugh. Today sucks.