A Realization

Tonight I went for a hike with some friends from work, including my crush. Two of the friends are not hard-core hikers while the crush and I are. The trail was easy and myself and the crush (who I will call C for "crush") decided to go off up a wash to see if it met up with another trail we knew. This is the kind of hike I really enjoy. Adventure! So we went up and up and up. After about an hour or so we found the trail. We did not talk much on the way up. It is funny how he and I can talk for hours at work but out of work it is not as easy. On the way down we did talk a bit and the conversation helped me come to a realization.

I had told him the one of the things I missed from before kids is that I did not have to worry that if something happened to me one of my crazy hikes that I would be leaving my kids. At this point, the sun had set and we were hiking in the dark. On the plus side there were two of us along with two dogs. Compared to some of my prior hikes, this would be considered well prepared. I commented that even though the kids were with husband, I still worried. He said something like "is he ever going to get his own place so the kids can spend the night?". Now, that is a great question.

At first I answered to C that I felt like I was in a catch 22. If I required him to pay the child support that meant less money to focus on getting a place. I also said that since I did not like conflict I hesitated to push him about this. As we continued to walk, I realized that perhaps the real reason I was not pushing him is that I was afraid that if I pushed too hard he would bail completely on the kids. Since I do want the kids to have him in their lives  I hesitate to require too much of him.upon further reflection, I am enjoying my nights out and fear rocking the boat and losing this.

As I mull this over, I am pleased to have figured out some of my feelings. Now what to do with them....do I require my husband step up more? While it is hard to know what is best for the kids, what is best for me in the long term is for him to NOT be this present in my home/life.