I Don't Like Mother's Day

I don't like mother's day. It is a day that apparently seems to just remind me of what I don't have. I watch my friend with her perfect baby and even though I never wanted a baby I am jealous. Her little boy is so sweet and so good natured and my kids...well sweet or good natured are probably not adjectives to describe them. I am reminded that my kids came to be mine because the mother that gave birth to them did not care for them appropriately. My kids subconsciously know this as they subconsciously miss the woman who gave them life-and their behaviors betray their confusion. Husbands do nice things for their wives to thank them for being the mother of their child or children. Obviously my "husband" is not thanking me. Husbands also encourage their kids to do cute and sweet things and well, that did not happen here. My husband was out of town, supposedly for work.  And could not manage to get back before 10pm. Supposedly.

My son does not listen. He is unpleasant to be with. My daughter makes being moody look pleasant. My "husband" is a fruitcake. I am typing this as tears roll down my cheeks. I am not sure if I can even explain why I feel so sad but I do. I am tired of the behaviors that are coming at me from all sides. I am tired of the well meaning advice of friends about how I need to think positive or be careful not to feel like I cannot be happy unless my life is a certain way (meaning I have a partner), or I should use this time to focus on myself and get to know what I am about. I did not have my kids until I was older. I had time to get to know and to like myself. I know what I am about. All the positive thinking in the world is not going to make my son pleasant to be around. It is not going to make my husband be a good man who values his family. I am doing everything I can to try new things and occupy myself and grow and blah blah. But I just sit here right now cry. I have no groceries right now because I was stupid enough to think my "husband" would be in town early enough for me to shop.

My friend asked earlier today (add this to dumb things to say), would it really be any easier to be with the kids if I had a partner? Seriously? Let's think. I referenced my friends with four kids who make their hellish situations sound like fun. I want that! Why can't I have that? Where did I go wrong?

I think I will arrange for my "husband" to have the kids to himself on father's day...