Emotions...

Today was a day filled with emotions. Where I could sort of see where they were coming from, yet knew they were ridiculous. Here is my effort to explain what I was feeling...

Somehow it "clicked" a few days ago that I am never hit on by guys. Obviously this has not been much of an issue. But now it feels like one. Because if I am going to find a new partner, a new guy is going to have to find me attractive.

I became convinced that my lack of being hit on is due to not wearing make up or styling my hair. The problem is I don't want to wear make up or style my hair. So since I need to for guys to be interested, and I don't want to, I am doomed. This is my thought process. Nice.

Part of these emotions are due to my husband's actions. Though I know it is not about me...that he has his own issues, it does not matter. I feel rejected. The other reason for the emotions is what I perceive as lack of interest by the crush. See, in my mind, the crush should be interested. We have similar interests. Kids close in age. And I think I look good. Why is this man not expressing interest? My head says "it must be something physical".  Ahhh! It is the lack of makeup. I want this man to find me attractive. Why isn't he?

Now I know logically that there is a possibility he does find me attractive. That he comes home and writes about his crush and it is me. Regardless, I am not SEEING interest which makes me feel rejected. Again.

I know he could find me attractive but be hesitant because we work together. Or because he is 10 years older. Or because I am in a higher level position. Or he isn't ready or his kids are not ready. Plenty of reasons and not to do with my physical appearance.


On the hike with my co workers there was plenty of time to talk with my crush when we branched off by ourselves onto what appeared to be a trail. Turned out to be a rather steep, off trail climb. I kept up
though, which in my mind should score some points. It was the kind of adventure I love, and from his stories the kind he enjoys too.  On our way down, he had 90 min to make conversation. But he didn't. It was me asking and him answering. Wouldn't you ask the same question back at least? His not 
doing so made me feel he was not interested. It is funny because at work we can talk nonstop. Hiking 
he was so quiet. I tell myself maybe he feels awkward because he IS interested. I feel like I am 
wishful thinking. I also feel ridiculous. I have not been in this type of situation for so long I am not sure how to handle it emotionally.

So I feel like I have been rejected twice. Which led to the abundance of emotion. And fear that no man will get past my lack of makeup and hairstyle to appreciate ME.

I wish I could stop having the crush. It is not helping at all. It seems to make things worse!  Having a crush opens me up for rejection. Not really up for that yet!