Today was The anniversary of my failed marriage. I had debated how to spend the day and wound up sick with the flu yesterday morning. I slept from yesterday at 11:30am through today at 3pm. Woke up some of course and then went right back to bed. I felt downright miserable. From about 5pm until now I have done little but cry. I have cried and cried. I m going to take NyQuil and go to sleep. I am pretty sure my body crashed due the emotions I am not dealing with. I am working so hard at being a bad ass that I am just beat. I cannot remember feeling that bad as an adult.
I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I don't know if anything can fill that hole. Can hiking man? Can learning to fix my car or set up my swamp cooler? 17 years is an eternity. People say to do what you love but how does that take the place of a partner? My friend spoke of how when she wanted a baby so bad she was willing to trade the partner for a baby. What she and others don't seem to get is that your partner is the one who supports you when you are going through these struggles. No partner you lose that support. And children struggling to attach are not going to fill that hole (nor should they).
To add to a lousy day they are closing my mountain to hiking on June 10th due to fire restrictions. So now I won't have that outlet for awhile.
And here is for the ultimate cap on a lousy day. My oldest has announced that she is pregnant and that I will soon be a 38 year old grandma.
Before I cry again, I am taking NyQuil and a shower. Plent more to say tomorrow.
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