Angry and Sad

I made the mistake last night of asking my husband if he had signed the separation papers. A reasonable question. He said he had not, but that he would. He then made two comments:

"It made me sad when I saw the cats written in there"

and, regarding the $748 he would owe in child support:

"I don't think I have enough extra money every month to pay that".

I expected that regarding the child support. At first I laughed off his comment about the cats. But around the middle of the day today it just made me really sad. And angry too. After this much time, is the only thing that makes him sad seeing the cats as a part of the agreement? WHAT ABOUT ME?? I am not surprised he was not bothered by the kid portion. Is it not sad that this is a DISSOLUTION OF OUR MARRIAGE? We are coming up on our 9 year marriage anniversary and we have been together for 17 years.

I feel so hurt to mean that little to him. I feel so sad that I meant so little that he could leave like he did and that what makes him sad is not the loss of our marriage.

I cannot help but have some weak moments. I have cried a few times today. The timing of these emotions is terrible because my parents are in town and i need every ounce of strength and positive attitude to handle my mother. It was hard enough having them visit when things were going good and when I had my husband as an ally. My friend says I should appreciate having them there. I know they mean well and I feel guilty for not wanting them here. But I don't want to talk about this stuff with them.

I may be approaching "that time of the month" which is surely not helping my emotions. Also either allergies or a cold are bugging me.

I am having one of those days where being single does not feel fun. When I want my husband back. When 15% of what I want in a partner feels "reasonable". I have to aim for better. I know that. I am worth way more than what he is offering.

Ugh. Today sucks.