Lousy Year?

It is funny, in a way, that this is 2013 and I am a bit superstitious. I don't really like the number 13. But when the year was changing I did not worry about it. Barely gave it a thought.

Turns out 2013 will be the year my husband ran away and my marriage ended. And now it appears my closest friend may move away. Nice. I have known my friend for some years. I know she does not love this city and wants to move to the city where she grew up. Since her parents live here and she just had a baby, I figured I was safe for awhile...well her dad got laid off and now her parents are talking about moving. Which means my friend will likely not be far behind.

This is the same friend who was in labor when I realized my husband was gone. I suppose I will have to see that as a blessing of sorts, as I have realized I can get through stuff without her. Since the baby it has been all me in regards to offers to help. Ironic since her husband is right there. As are her parents.

What is difficult with this friend is I think I mean something much different to her than she means to me. She has been my closest friend for some time. I don't have friends I grew up with or close relationships with inlaws. I have my friends that live here and that is about it. I moved a lot as a kid and a lot as an adult. My life at almost 38 reflects that. Sometimes it is lousy but I accept it and figure I will do the best I can with the friendships I have. Without the relationship with my husband, there really is not anyone who knew me in my 20's.

My friend does not need me. She has a reliable husband who adores her. She lived in the same house the majority of her childhood and still has all of those relations. She has her high school friends. She has college friends. She has in-laws. She is close with her parents. Of course she wants to move "home". The loss of me will barely be felt as she is welcome back by a plethora of people.

I have lived in many places in my life. But I have no real connections anywhere. Except my brother.

It is very hard when someone is more important to you than you are to them. For the first time in years I am ANGRY about all of the moving in my youth. About my lack of roots.

I feel myself already pulling away. I am in self protection mode. Angry for relying on this friend at all.

And it magnifies my sadness of not having a partner. If a close friend moves away and you have a partner you still have someone close to you.

I really don't.

I wanted our kids to grow up together. Is it important to anyone that my kids grow up with their kids?

Rant over.