This Parent Is Doing All Right

A few friends came over last night to see how they could provide support, something I greatly appreciate. I was able to articulate my feelings around my husband which right now center around disgust. Not anger. Just this overall feeling of "seriously? ick."

One friend mentioned that this disgust is at what appears to be his true character that has now come out. She mentioned that many times true character does not come out until there are children. I would say this is certainly true in our relationship. Without the kids, both of us were able to do our own thing and minimum sacrifice was required. Kids come and it is all about sacrifice, even in the best of circumstances. My husband does not want to sacrifice. He will admit that he is selfish. I am not 100%, but I think he may be okay with being selfish.

My feeling of disgust comes from the choices he has made and is making. To choose to just pack some stuff and not come home. Sort of wimpy. Not a lot of character there. I appreciate that there are mental health challenges going on. But he could have picked up the phone. Could have stopped by my office. Could have sent a text. Something. Instead he left me to notice things missing from our home.

He did not have to leave the state. He could have made choices that would allow him to see the kids for a few hours a week. He could have stayed to explain to them (or try) that this is not about them. He left all of that to me.

What kind of man is okay with going on a road trip at his leisure without discussion with his wife while leaving her 100% physically and financially responsible for two special needs children (with therapy twice a week), the family home, the rental property, and five cats? While he is enjoying his road trip with no time frame, he leaves his wife to balance the above AND the full time job that pays for it all. AND the increased behaviors of the kids who don't understand why daddy is suddenly not around.

Who does this? How can I not be disgusted. Anger, you can get over. I am not sure you can get over disgust. Not sure he could ever redeem himself in my eyes.

For many reasons, he is a lucky man. The guilt he will feel when he realizes what a lousy person he has been will be less than it could be because I have not fallen apart. The kids have not fallen apart. I am too strong for that. So he will not have to feel guilty for "ruining my life" or for my misery. The house is cleaner than it ever has been. The kids are getting to school on time. I am keeping up with all of my work.

His weakness is testing my strength but I am passing with flying colors.

I am sad for him. He is missing out on a great woman and great children. His interest in only himself is his loss.

I hope to look back at this time and realize not what I have lost, but all that I have gained.