Crashing

I am tired. I think I am crashing. It is no wonder, really.

After a VERY challenging weekend with the kids, particularly my son, and a conversation with my husband that showed me how LITTLE effort he is willing or able to make, I am beat.

Last night, after asking my son to clean his room, he went into the bathroom and started the bath. Huh. His sister told him that he was supposed to be cleaning his room. I told her she did not have to worry about what he was doing and waited. My son came out to "ask" if he could take a bath. Sure, I told him. After you work on your room.

So he turned around and started his bath.

I tried to stay calm. He let the water run, presumably to fill the tub. He turned it off. Suddenly it was back on. Then off. Then on. Hmmm.

So i went to investigate. There is very little water in the tub. I tell him he is done with water and he need to bathe. As soon as I turned around he put the water right back on.

I finally just washed him myself.

I finally get him to bed. Talking to my husband was just depressing. He has no plan. Still has no therapist but has "leads". Hmmm. He is silent after each time I talk. I tell him that i will consider myself lucky that he comes back and hangs with the kids one night a week. I tell him I am not going back to what it was. He calls back crying. No words that are useful. Just tears. I know that he is not going to change and that therefore this needs to be over. I yearn for the every other weekend dad divorce package. I feel guilty for not wanting to parent 24/7. I want a break sometimes. I want a day off. I want to take a trip for a few days. Heck, I want to hike for a few hours.

Today the therapist tells me that he does not want to burst my bubble, but he does not see my husband ever taking the kids one night a week.

Before I started writing this I was crying. I don't know what I am crying over. I don't even think it is over my husband. It is more (I think) about how overwhelming this is to do alone. How it is hard to see the next 12 years of my life as anything but overwhelming. I am willing to negotiate. Could he just take the kids for a week a year so I could go on a camping trip?

Perhaps this is the bargaining part of grief. The therapist asked if I thought this would be easier if my husband had just died, as there would be no hope that he would change. I don't really have hope he will change. I appreciate that if I had a very reliable inexpensive babysitter, this would all be less intimidating. What does that say?

My friend asked if I regretted adopting the kids. I love them so much. But I feel guilty for what I have inadvertantly put them through. Could they have gotten a better home with two loving parents? Instead of having to feel abandoned again?

I wish someone could just promise me hiking man is out there and we will find one another in the next few years. I need to know there is hope.

I need to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to know that it is there. And I need to remember to eat, because not having anything but coffee between 8am and 7pm probably is not helping.