Putting Some Things Together

Had a great talk with a good friend last night which really helped me put some things together. I have known this friend for many years and we have had many long introspective conversations. I have even joked with her about how far we have traveled since those early conversations literally laying down on our office floor!

She was able to help me to see that I have a fear that I will not be able to meet someone because I do not fit society's version of what men are supposedly looking for. The thing is that I like myself. I like who I am. I don't want to start wearing make up and dressing to attract men. I sort of feel like it is a choice...if I hope to someday have a new relationship I will have to do these things. But those things are not who I am. This feeling that I have has been fueled throughout my life, from my parents "don't get fat or you won't meet a man", "if you don't wear make-up you will never meet someone" and in response to my dry hands "no man will want to hold those hands". At this point, I don't blame my parents. They are the product of the same society.

I recently heard from my supervisor that "If I started taking care of myself I would see how much better I felt". I found this confusing. I don't feel bad about me. I like me. I don't like my current situation. Doing my hair or wearing make up would likely make me feel uncomfortable. Like I am trying to be someone else.

I was relaying to my friend another conversation...a woman that I know was talking about someone she knew who had recently committed suicide. The woman clearly had some guilt that she had not reached out more to her. She commented that the woman clearly did not feel good about herself; she dressed like a tomboy, wore no makeup and always had her long hair in a bun. I admit I jumped at her. Granted in this case the woman did not feel good about herself. But I don't wear makeup, usually have my hair in a bun and I wear what is comfortable. I have a pretty good figure (really good for 37!)  that I don't show off. These are not signs I am suicidal or not happy with who I am. They are signs that I am either lazy or choosing to spend my time doing things that I deem more important than my physical appearance. Like sleep. Or getting my kids ready. Drinking coffee and writing. Hiking. Running.

I am not meeting societal expectations. But do I really want to? Nope.

In my conversation with my friend she was able to help me realize that I see dating as when I last dated. I was 20 and in college. In theory, men at 40 are a lot less superficial. At least some of them.

The right man for me will appreciate what I have to offer.  Hiking Man, wherever he is, will appreciate that being outdoors is more meaningful to me than standing in front of a mirror. He will barely notice the unhidden blemishes on my face because he will be focused on who I am as a person.

Thank you B.