Hating the Roller Coaster

I hate this roller coaster.

I did fine today. Really well. Nice day at work, got the kids, got them drive through and was fine.

Got home and called a friend and lost it.

It did not help that I got more "game playing" from my husband.

Last night I reminded him to call the kids and asked that he call earlier. I was helping my daughter in the bath and missed the call at 7:18. He did not leave a message or send a text. At 7:27, I returned the call and got no answer. I never received a call back or a text.

He must be falling asleep on the couch even earlier!

Amazing!

If he wanted to talk to us, he would keep the phone with him. Or at the least, LOOK AT IT every 15 minutes.

Sigh. We are clearly very important to him.

I feel so lonely. And sad. And rejected. And mad. And scared and miserable thinking that it will be me alone raising these kids. The kitchen is a mess and I am the only one here to clean it. I have not eaten dinner because I cannot motivate myself to cook it. And there is no one else here to cook. Everything is on me.

I can sound all tough at work. I don't need him. I will be fine. And then I cannot help but think "oh crap".

I don't want to parent alone. I want a partner.

I know I say this over and over. I guess my point is that it is less about my husband being gone that makes me sad and more that I don't want to do this by myself. I will do it, because I don't have a choice. But the feeling of disappointment and despair is due to my feelings about being the only one parenting my kids. Even a divorce where dad is in the city and sees the kids once a week is a step up. I could use the break and they could use a father.

And I feel so jealous. I am jealous of my friends with their husbands that are actually INTERESTED in their children. And I am jealous that they actually have husbands. I am jealous that they have hope where I have none.

I keep going. I get up every day and do what I need to do. I know things are slipping by. I know that there will always be things slipping by because I cannot realistically keep up with everything.

I am angry at my husband for doing this to me. For causing me to be in this place. For being too selfish to think about the rest of his household.

I will close with something positive. My cats have my back. I am surrounded by three wonderful, sleepy cats right now. Animals are way more reliable than men  : )