My emotions have been all over the place and this has not be a lot of fun. Trying to explain this to the therapist yesterday...I could not believe some of the stuff coming out of my mouth goes against my image of myself as a "Bad Ass" and I don't like that : )
So here I go trying to explain how I feel in writing.
Sunday night is the night that my husband calls for the kids. We were out for dinner and I was driving home when his call came in. I did not answer because I only had one kid with me and she was half asleep. Within 15 minutes I pulled up to my house and texted him to let him know that the kids were half asleep and lets have them talk on monday. As a side note my husband seems to think the best time to call is 15 minutes before their bedtime. To make it more fun to get them to sleep. I texted him around 8pm mountain time, which is 10pm in Atlanta.
I don't get a response to my text on sunday night. Which irks me. He made the call but did not leave a voicemail. He did not text. And now he was not responding to my response no more than 15 minutes later. My husband is a night person and he is not doing anything so it is not like he should be so worn out from the day that he cannot send a text. I am more and more irritated as time passes because clearly to him making us feel important is NOT a priority. This hurts. And it make
I finally here from him at NOON on monday. He fell asleep on the couch and JUST GOT MY TEXT. Seriously? Well I hope he is not getting calls about jobs or anything because he is hardly in touch with his phone.
He says he will call last night and by 8pm and no call I put the kids to bed. I texted him that it was nice to see we were so important to him. And please transfer money for the phone bill.
He texted back in the middle of the night that he was sorry, he fell asleep. Again.
Seriously?
The funny thing is that i seem to be able to get over the fact that I am not all that important to my husband. But I want some hope that I will not be a single parent forever. I am embarassed to admit this. I am supposed to be tough and not need anyone and I keep thinking "I don't want to do this alone!" Parenting is fun when you have the right partner. On your own...not so much. There are all of these things you are supposed to take you kid to do and I want someone to help make it fun. Like parades. I hate parades. But if it was me and a partner and the kids we could make it fun. On my own, it just feels like drudgery. Most people don't go into parenting thinking "yay, I will be a single parent!" I don't want this life. I am envious of what my friends have and I want that. Why can't I have that? And then i cry. The idea of doing this myself until the kids are adults makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out.
When I think of "Hiking Man" I start to realize all of the potential issues of dating again. Realistically he will have kids too. And maybe he only gets them every other weekend. So is he a full time dad to my/our kids and then only a part time dad to his kids that he has already raised for 10 years? How does that work? Could we even live together? Because then his kids feel like they have lost something? I appreciate that I am jumping too far ahead but this is how my mind works. Dating would now be way more complicated than in my 20's.
So there you go. Wait till my next post on my "visit with the lawyer".
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