I Hate You!

This is what I wanted to scream at my husband yesterday. Yesterday was AWFUL. I don't think my son's behavior has ever been that bad. I felt helpless. I can't blame my son. He is freaking out and cannot articulate what he is feeling. All he knows is he has not seen his dad in a month and the last phone call was over a week ago. He is angry and he is sad and scared.

The way these feelings manifest themselves in my little boy are awful. From the moment he woke up until the time he went to be he was extraordinarily difficult. Defiant. More defiant. Mean. It was like he wanted to stab you in the heart and then twist the knife around and around.

Example:

Insists a toy is his and his sister cannot play with it. His tone is mean and hateful. I tell him if he cannot share I will take the toy. Try to take the toy. He stands on the toy and rides it like a surfboard. Won't get off. Looks at me saying "this is fun!". Finally get the toy. He starts throwing things one by one from his room down the hallway. I take each item he throws and put it in the garage.

After this I get him to articulate that he is angry at his dad. I tell him that i am angry too and that we will get through this together.

At grocery store, we are getting brownies for a dessert. He decides he does not want brownies and tries to convince his sister to agree to something else. She wants brownies. He starts whispering in her ear that if she won't choose cinnamon roles he won't play with her anymore.

After I tell him that it is okay for him to care about Birth Mom and that it is okay for him to care about both of us he tells me that he only cares about birth mom and that he does not ever think he will care about me or love me. He repeats this over and over until I finally ask him how he is looking for me to respond. Clearly he was looking for a reaction. I offered to fake cry.

Oh, and what does he miss about Birth Mom? That she bought him video games (apparently). He was three when he last lived with her.

When I put the kids to bed I had a whole hour of quiet until my daughter started wailing in her sleep. Just wailing! I am not sure if she was asleep and it was night terrors but it as awful. Wailing and shaking. I "think" she is terrified I am going to leave her. Especially after the difficult day with her brother. She seems to equate loss with the bad behavior of her brother.

So once I have her back to sleep i am toast. I want to scream to my husband...."how could you have done this to these kids???"

How are they going to recover from this?

And how am I going to get them through it??

Thank goodness the babysitter came this morning. Hoping today is a better day : )