Lousy and Unfocused....

This describes how I feel. Just plain lousy. Last night I could not do anything that required me to sit and focus. I could not write, I could not read. I fell asleep on the couch at 10pm. Which for me is very early.

The therapist does not see much hope in my husband making the changes he needs to make. He told me this yesterday and even though I knew it anyway, hearing it out loud was like someone blew a hole in my heart.
I am not sure going to the therapist is good for me. It seems to make me feel worse.

I cannot stop being sad. I keep plugging along going through the motions. Sometimes I even get work done. I am getting a grant application in a week and a half early! But I feel like crap.

Is it horrible that I want my life back?

My kids are struggling which is fair. My daughter went to the nurse yesterday complaining of a stomach ache. Probably just wanted to know I was there. All evening she showed how concerned she was that I was going to disappear too. And she is afraid that I am going to die. My son is also worried about my disappearing. He said he is afraid that no one is going to care about him.

I am angry at my husband for bringing these feelings back up in my kids who finally seemed to be settling in. But the anger won't take over the sadness. I want to hate him. I want to feel rage. I want to at least want to get drunk or something.

The therapist says he believes that ultimately, without him things will be easier for me. While that may be true, I don't care. I still want him. I know I cannot take him back even if he wants to be back, at least right now.

I don't know that I have even begun to tap into my feelings about he and I. All I can focus on is my son and his desire for a dad. He wants a dad so badly that he misses his dad who paid him so little attention it is sad.
He would have spent the rest of his life trying to please him. He still may.

I feel defeated, though I know I shouldn't. I am not the one who gave up. I have my head held high. I am doing right by the kids. And the cats. I did not run away.