I Hate Valentine's Day.

I did not like Valentines Day much before meeting my husband. And after 17 years of not being without a "Valentine" I don't like it much now either.

Today I went to the store to get Valentine items for the kids. I know I need to do something nice for them and that they will get a kick out of waking up to some surprises. Walking down the aisle lined with Valentine items just felt lousy. Not that I ever really celebrated Valentine's Day. It really did not matter; all that love stuff was just an in-your-face reminder of what I did not have.

I got a few things for the kids, paid and got out of the store. Despite having felt pretty darn good the last few days I felt very sad. I got back to my office and at the request of a co-worker who was out sick, went to check the card on the box she had received today. An early Valentine's gift. I had let her know about the box, because it said perishable, and we were not sure if we should open it for her. My friend seemed confused as to who would send her flowers. Her husband? Yeah, maybe. She asked me to check the card. I could not find the card but inside the box was an adorable little stuffed bear, some roses and some candy. I close the box, put it back in the refrigerator and nearly cried.

I was fortunate to get to leave the office a short while later for an appointment and I sent a text to the friend who just gave birth.

"I am going to get myself a Valentines Day present. Ideas?"

And then I let the tears fall.

Funny because it should be easier this year. I won't be disappointed that he doesn't do something. Clearly, he will not be doing anything to celebrate our "love". Is there even love?

I dread tomorrow. Having to deal with co-workers getting flowers. Having to be excited for the kids. Having my parents come to town on a day that will surely not be my strongest.

My friend texts me back. She recommends fresh flowers from Trader Joe's or perfume.

I am not sure if my friend is trying to make me laugh but the last bottle of perfume I had was when I was a teenager.

I chuckle a bit because the idea of me spending money on perfume is nothing short of comical.

My friend said she figured that would be my reaction but thought she would throw it out there.

People without "Valentines" should ban together and celebrate some sort of friendship day.  I am hoping to convince my parents to hang with the kids for a few hours and I will take myself out.

Because while I am disgusted with my husband, I like myself.

I will be my own Valentine this year.  I will show myself love.

I deserve it.