Got a long text from my husband this morning that he had sent last night. All about how he is reevaluating his choice to go to Atlanta for any length of time, was going to some meditation retreat this weekend to learn ways to handle his anger, blah blah. That he missed us.
Yuck.
Is it terrible to say I don't think I am interested? I don't want to go through this drama. I don't want to have him come back and then have to wonder if he will do this again. No thanks.
I don't want to have to have him grumble every time I ask if he wants to go to a get together. I don't want to have to know that he just stuck them in front of the tv rather than spending quality time.
I hope he gets it together so that he can be a dad to the kids. Don't know that I want him back in the house though. I don't want things the way they were.
I want someone who will be there for us and who is not only thinking of themself when making decisions. Someone who is willing to sacrifice.
Sure, I could wind up without a partner for a long time if not forever.
But this was not a partnership.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Go Figure
Yesterday I may have crashed but today was great. Go figure.
I was able to articulate that I don't actually miss my husband. I miss having someone to watch the kids while I run and get a coffee or go on a hike. I believe I may just need a reliable babysitter.
My son had his first soccer practice and loved it. Got the schedules for both kids' soccer games and what do you know...most of them conflict. Go figure. Well this gives me the opportunity to ask for help. We will see how that goes.
On a positive note my daughter's therapist was able to get us a regular friday at 5pm appointment and another therapist will meet with my son at the same time. This takes a huge weight off my shoulders. This is a trauma therapist, instead of an attachment therapist. Could an attachment therapist be better? Sure. But I am no good to anyone if I lose my job and lose my mind.
Since i was able to articulate I don't miss my husband, guess who texted out of the blue? Yep, my husband. Apparently he has made some headway on locating a therapist and is going to a meditation class. Hmmm.
I feel guilty that I don't miss him. But then I remind myself that his behavior was not worth missing.
What will tomorrow bring?
I was able to articulate that I don't actually miss my husband. I miss having someone to watch the kids while I run and get a coffee or go on a hike. I believe I may just need a reliable babysitter.
My son had his first soccer practice and loved it. Got the schedules for both kids' soccer games and what do you know...most of them conflict. Go figure. Well this gives me the opportunity to ask for help. We will see how that goes.
On a positive note my daughter's therapist was able to get us a regular friday at 5pm appointment and another therapist will meet with my son at the same time. This takes a huge weight off my shoulders. This is a trauma therapist, instead of an attachment therapist. Could an attachment therapist be better? Sure. But I am no good to anyone if I lose my job and lose my mind.
Since i was able to articulate I don't miss my husband, guess who texted out of the blue? Yep, my husband. Apparently he has made some headway on locating a therapist and is going to a meditation class. Hmmm.
I feel guilty that I don't miss him. But then I remind myself that his behavior was not worth missing.
What will tomorrow bring?
Monday, February 25, 2013
Crashing
I am tired. I think I am crashing. It is no wonder, really.
After a VERY challenging weekend with the kids, particularly my son, and a conversation with my husband that showed me how LITTLE effort he is willing or able to make, I am beat.
Last night, after asking my son to clean his room, he went into the bathroom and started the bath. Huh. His sister told him that he was supposed to be cleaning his room. I told her she did not have to worry about what he was doing and waited. My son came out to "ask" if he could take a bath. Sure, I told him. After you work on your room.
So he turned around and started his bath.
I tried to stay calm. He let the water run, presumably to fill the tub. He turned it off. Suddenly it was back on. Then off. Then on. Hmmm.
So i went to investigate. There is very little water in the tub. I tell him he is done with water and he need to bathe. As soon as I turned around he put the water right back on.
I finally just washed him myself.
I finally get him to bed. Talking to my husband was just depressing. He has no plan. Still has no therapist but has "leads". Hmmm. He is silent after each time I talk. I tell him that i will consider myself lucky that he comes back and hangs with the kids one night a week. I tell him I am not going back to what it was. He calls back crying. No words that are useful. Just tears. I know that he is not going to change and that therefore this needs to be over. I yearn for the every other weekend dad divorce package. I feel guilty for not wanting to parent 24/7. I want a break sometimes. I want a day off. I want to take a trip for a few days. Heck, I want to hike for a few hours.
Today the therapist tells me that he does not want to burst my bubble, but he does not see my husband ever taking the kids one night a week.
Before I started writing this I was crying. I don't know what I am crying over. I don't even think it is over my husband. It is more (I think) about how overwhelming this is to do alone. How it is hard to see the next 12 years of my life as anything but overwhelming. I am willing to negotiate. Could he just take the kids for a week a year so I could go on a camping trip?
Perhaps this is the bargaining part of grief. The therapist asked if I thought this would be easier if my husband had just died, as there would be no hope that he would change. I don't really have hope he will change. I appreciate that if I had a very reliable inexpensive babysitter, this would all be less intimidating. What does that say?
My friend asked if I regretted adopting the kids. I love them so much. But I feel guilty for what I have inadvertantly put them through. Could they have gotten a better home with two loving parents? Instead of having to feel abandoned again?
I wish someone could just promise me hiking man is out there and we will find one another in the next few years. I need to know there is hope.
I need to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to know that it is there. And I need to remember to eat, because not having anything but coffee between 8am and 7pm probably is not helping.
After a VERY challenging weekend with the kids, particularly my son, and a conversation with my husband that showed me how LITTLE effort he is willing or able to make, I am beat.
Last night, after asking my son to clean his room, he went into the bathroom and started the bath. Huh. His sister told him that he was supposed to be cleaning his room. I told her she did not have to worry about what he was doing and waited. My son came out to "ask" if he could take a bath. Sure, I told him. After you work on your room.
So he turned around and started his bath.
I tried to stay calm. He let the water run, presumably to fill the tub. He turned it off. Suddenly it was back on. Then off. Then on. Hmmm.
So i went to investigate. There is very little water in the tub. I tell him he is done with water and he need to bathe. As soon as I turned around he put the water right back on.
I finally just washed him myself.
I finally get him to bed. Talking to my husband was just depressing. He has no plan. Still has no therapist but has "leads". Hmmm. He is silent after each time I talk. I tell him that i will consider myself lucky that he comes back and hangs with the kids one night a week. I tell him I am not going back to what it was. He calls back crying. No words that are useful. Just tears. I know that he is not going to change and that therefore this needs to be over. I yearn for the every other weekend dad divorce package. I feel guilty for not wanting to parent 24/7. I want a break sometimes. I want a day off. I want to take a trip for a few days. Heck, I want to hike for a few hours.
Today the therapist tells me that he does not want to burst my bubble, but he does not see my husband ever taking the kids one night a week.
Before I started writing this I was crying. I don't know what I am crying over. I don't even think it is over my husband. It is more (I think) about how overwhelming this is to do alone. How it is hard to see the next 12 years of my life as anything but overwhelming. I am willing to negotiate. Could he just take the kids for a week a year so I could go on a camping trip?
Perhaps this is the bargaining part of grief. The therapist asked if I thought this would be easier if my husband had just died, as there would be no hope that he would change. I don't really have hope he will change. I appreciate that if I had a very reliable inexpensive babysitter, this would all be less intimidating. What does that say?
My friend asked if I regretted adopting the kids. I love them so much. But I feel guilty for what I have inadvertantly put them through. Could they have gotten a better home with two loving parents? Instead of having to feel abandoned again?
I wish someone could just promise me hiking man is out there and we will find one another in the next few years. I need to know there is hope.
I need to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I just need to know that it is there. And I need to remember to eat, because not having anything but coffee between 8am and 7pm probably is not helping.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
I Hate You!
This is what I wanted to scream at my husband yesterday. Yesterday was AWFUL. I don't think my son's behavior has ever been that bad. I felt helpless. I can't blame my son. He is freaking out and cannot articulate what he is feeling. All he knows is he has not seen his dad in a month and the last phone call was over a week ago. He is angry and he is sad and scared.
The way these feelings manifest themselves in my little boy are awful. From the moment he woke up until the time he went to be he was extraordinarily difficult. Defiant. More defiant. Mean. It was like he wanted to stab you in the heart and then twist the knife around and around.
Example:
Insists a toy is his and his sister cannot play with it. His tone is mean and hateful. I tell him if he cannot share I will take the toy. Try to take the toy. He stands on the toy and rides it like a surfboard. Won't get off. Looks at me saying "this is fun!". Finally get the toy. He starts throwing things one by one from his room down the hallway. I take each item he throws and put it in the garage.
After this I get him to articulate that he is angry at his dad. I tell him that i am angry too and that we will get through this together.
At grocery store, we are getting brownies for a dessert. He decides he does not want brownies and tries to convince his sister to agree to something else. She wants brownies. He starts whispering in her ear that if she won't choose cinnamon roles he won't play with her anymore.
After I tell him that it is okay for him to care about Birth Mom and that it is okay for him to care about both of us he tells me that he only cares about birth mom and that he does not ever think he will care about me or love me. He repeats this over and over until I finally ask him how he is looking for me to respond. Clearly he was looking for a reaction. I offered to fake cry.
Oh, and what does he miss about Birth Mom? That she bought him video games (apparently). He was three when he last lived with her.
When I put the kids to bed I had a whole hour of quiet until my daughter started wailing in her sleep. Just wailing! I am not sure if she was asleep and it was night terrors but it as awful. Wailing and shaking. I "think" she is terrified I am going to leave her. Especially after the difficult day with her brother. She seems to equate loss with the bad behavior of her brother.
So once I have her back to sleep i am toast. I want to scream to my husband...."how could you have done this to these kids???"
How are they going to recover from this?
And how am I going to get them through it??
Thank goodness the babysitter came this morning. Hoping today is a better day : )
The way these feelings manifest themselves in my little boy are awful. From the moment he woke up until the time he went to be he was extraordinarily difficult. Defiant. More defiant. Mean. It was like he wanted to stab you in the heart and then twist the knife around and around.
Example:
Insists a toy is his and his sister cannot play with it. His tone is mean and hateful. I tell him if he cannot share I will take the toy. Try to take the toy. He stands on the toy and rides it like a surfboard. Won't get off. Looks at me saying "this is fun!". Finally get the toy. He starts throwing things one by one from his room down the hallway. I take each item he throws and put it in the garage.
After this I get him to articulate that he is angry at his dad. I tell him that i am angry too and that we will get through this together.
At grocery store, we are getting brownies for a dessert. He decides he does not want brownies and tries to convince his sister to agree to something else. She wants brownies. He starts whispering in her ear that if she won't choose cinnamon roles he won't play with her anymore.
After I tell him that it is okay for him to care about Birth Mom and that it is okay for him to care about both of us he tells me that he only cares about birth mom and that he does not ever think he will care about me or love me. He repeats this over and over until I finally ask him how he is looking for me to respond. Clearly he was looking for a reaction. I offered to fake cry.
Oh, and what does he miss about Birth Mom? That she bought him video games (apparently). He was three when he last lived with her.
When I put the kids to bed I had a whole hour of quiet until my daughter started wailing in her sleep. Just wailing! I am not sure if she was asleep and it was night terrors but it as awful. Wailing and shaking. I "think" she is terrified I am going to leave her. Especially after the difficult day with her brother. She seems to equate loss with the bad behavior of her brother.
So once I have her back to sleep i am toast. I want to scream to my husband...."how could you have done this to these kids???"
How are they going to recover from this?
And how am I going to get them through it??
Thank goodness the babysitter came this morning. Hoping today is a better day : )
Putting Some Things Together
Had a great talk with a good friend last night which really helped me put some things together. I have known this friend for many years and we have had many long introspective conversations. I have even joked with her about how far we have traveled since those early conversations literally laying down on our office floor!
She was able to help me to see that I have a fear that I will not be able to meet someone because I do not fit society's version of what men are supposedly looking for. The thing is that I like myself. I like who I am. I don't want to start wearing make up and dressing to attract men. I sort of feel like it is a choice...if I hope to someday have a new relationship I will have to do these things. But those things are not who I am. This feeling that I have has been fueled throughout my life, from my parents "don't get fat or you won't meet a man", "if you don't wear make-up you will never meet someone" and in response to my dry hands "no man will want to hold those hands". At this point, I don't blame my parents. They are the product of the same society.
I recently heard from my supervisor that "If I started taking care of myself I would see how much better I felt". I found this confusing. I don't feel bad about me. I like me. I don't like my current situation. Doing my hair or wearing make up would likely make me feel uncomfortable. Like I am trying to be someone else.
I was relaying to my friend another conversation...a woman that I know was talking about someone she knew who had recently committed suicide. The woman clearly had some guilt that she had not reached out more to her. She commented that the woman clearly did not feel good about herself; she dressed like a tomboy, wore no makeup and always had her long hair in a bun. I admit I jumped at her. Granted in this case the woman did not feel good about herself. But I don't wear makeup, usually have my hair in a bun and I wear what is comfortable. I have a pretty good figure (really good for 37!) that I don't show off. These are not signs I am suicidal or not happy with who I am. They are signs that I am either lazy or choosing to spend my time doing things that I deem more important than my physical appearance. Like sleep. Or getting my kids ready. Drinking coffee and writing. Hiking. Running.
I am not meeting societal expectations. But do I really want to? Nope.
In my conversation with my friend she was able to help me realize that I see dating as when I last dated. I was 20 and in college. In theory, men at 40 are a lot less superficial. At least some of them.
The right man for me will appreciate what I have to offer. Hiking Man, wherever he is, will appreciate that being outdoors is more meaningful to me than standing in front of a mirror. He will barely notice the unhidden blemishes on my face because he will be focused on who I am as a person.
Thank you B.
She was able to help me to see that I have a fear that I will not be able to meet someone because I do not fit society's version of what men are supposedly looking for. The thing is that I like myself. I like who I am. I don't want to start wearing make up and dressing to attract men. I sort of feel like it is a choice...if I hope to someday have a new relationship I will have to do these things. But those things are not who I am. This feeling that I have has been fueled throughout my life, from my parents "don't get fat or you won't meet a man", "if you don't wear make-up you will never meet someone" and in response to my dry hands "no man will want to hold those hands". At this point, I don't blame my parents. They are the product of the same society.
I recently heard from my supervisor that "If I started taking care of myself I would see how much better I felt". I found this confusing. I don't feel bad about me. I like me. I don't like my current situation. Doing my hair or wearing make up would likely make me feel uncomfortable. Like I am trying to be someone else.
I was relaying to my friend another conversation...a woman that I know was talking about someone she knew who had recently committed suicide. The woman clearly had some guilt that she had not reached out more to her. She commented that the woman clearly did not feel good about herself; she dressed like a tomboy, wore no makeup and always had her long hair in a bun. I admit I jumped at her. Granted in this case the woman did not feel good about herself. But I don't wear makeup, usually have my hair in a bun and I wear what is comfortable. I have a pretty good figure (really good for 37!) that I don't show off. These are not signs I am suicidal or not happy with who I am. They are signs that I am either lazy or choosing to spend my time doing things that I deem more important than my physical appearance. Like sleep. Or getting my kids ready. Drinking coffee and writing. Hiking. Running.
I am not meeting societal expectations. But do I really want to? Nope.
In my conversation with my friend she was able to help me realize that I see dating as when I last dated. I was 20 and in college. In theory, men at 40 are a lot less superficial. At least some of them.
The right man for me will appreciate what I have to offer. Hiking Man, wherever he is, will appreciate that being outdoors is more meaningful to me than standing in front of a mirror. He will barely notice the unhidden blemishes on my face because he will be focused on who I am as a person.
Thank you B.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Is This A Window Into How He Feels?
After my husband did not return my call on wednesday night, I heard nothing until almost five on thursday with an apology and an "oh, my phone did not ring or light up even though it was right next to me". Seriously? And you just now noticed this?
I responded with the following:
"Huh. And you just now looked at your phone? I am feeling like it is just one excuse after another. You fell asleep. You did not check the phone. The phone did not work. I don't think you really want to talk to us. It is hurtful to call or text someone and get no response for almost 24 hours when it seems unrealistic to think they just have not looked at their phone."
I sent this at 5:30 on thursday. He tried calling at 7:45 (even though I had asked to call earlier). I did not pick up as I was enjoying my alone time since the babysitter was over. He did not leave a message. Nor did he text. I have heard nothing from him since.
Perhaps I have my answer.
I responded with the following:
"Huh. And you just now looked at your phone? I am feeling like it is just one excuse after another. You fell asleep. You did not check the phone. The phone did not work. I don't think you really want to talk to us. It is hurtful to call or text someone and get no response for almost 24 hours when it seems unrealistic to think they just have not looked at their phone."
I sent this at 5:30 on thursday. He tried calling at 7:45 (even though I had asked to call earlier). I did not pick up as I was enjoying my alone time since the babysitter was over. He did not leave a message. Nor did he text. I have heard nothing from him since.
Perhaps I have my answer.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Remembering the Adventure
I think it is helpful, as we near 40 and above and feel like life has gotten a little to predictable (clearly my husband should have tried this) is to sit down with a younger person and remember some of the adventures/trouble of your "youth".
Last night after taking a nice break away, I came home and was chatting with our babysitter. She is 20 and about to move into her first place on her own. She is nervous, as I probably should have been at that age, and i have been assuring her she will be fine.
I told her about my first big move, from Tallahassee, Fl to Albuquerque, NM. I went with a good friend from college. We had no jobs. He had $500 to his name. I had $800. We had very old cars that surprisingly made it. We had no apartment. But we had credit cards and a nice professional outfit.
We knew we could not stay in a hotel for more than a few days as that would blow our savings. So after a night at the Howard Johnson's, we set out with the following plan:
take out a cash advance from our credit card
put it in my bank account so it looked like we had savings
dress up nicely so we looked like trustworthy people
This was 1998 and credit checks did not always happen when renting. Good thing or they would have easily figured out our money trail. While jeans and flannel shirts were our normal attire, we dressed to play the part of the preppy young couple just starting out.
You know what? It worked.
We had a place in under a week. The manager commented that she could read people well and that despite our lack of employment, she trusted us.
Ha!
Then we hustled for jobs. We got jobs pretty quickly. My friend then lost his within a few weeks. It was at a bank and he kept questioning their processes, bringing up more efficient possibilities. But he got a new one. He worked overnights for awhile at a convenience store.
We made it work.
When my husband and I moved to Los Angeles we had a lease for an apartment but even less money in the bank. I am not sure how we paid the first several months of rent. I am not even sure how we had the money to get to LA.
But we made it work.
Aside from my high risk moves, I took cross country journeys, on my own, without a cell phone. Gasp! Sure, I miss that freedom sometimes, but I also know I made the most of it when I had it.
My reminiscing made me feel better about my lack of recent travels (and lack of future travel opportunities).
This reminds me that no matter how hard things are currently, I need to make the most and best of, every day.
Last night after taking a nice break away, I came home and was chatting with our babysitter. She is 20 and about to move into her first place on her own. She is nervous, as I probably should have been at that age, and i have been assuring her she will be fine.
I told her about my first big move, from Tallahassee, Fl to Albuquerque, NM. I went with a good friend from college. We had no jobs. He had $500 to his name. I had $800. We had very old cars that surprisingly made it. We had no apartment. But we had credit cards and a nice professional outfit.
We knew we could not stay in a hotel for more than a few days as that would blow our savings. So after a night at the Howard Johnson's, we set out with the following plan:
take out a cash advance from our credit card
put it in my bank account so it looked like we had savings
dress up nicely so we looked like trustworthy people
This was 1998 and credit checks did not always happen when renting. Good thing or they would have easily figured out our money trail. While jeans and flannel shirts were our normal attire, we dressed to play the part of the preppy young couple just starting out.
You know what? It worked.
We had a place in under a week. The manager commented that she could read people well and that despite our lack of employment, she trusted us.
Ha!
Then we hustled for jobs. We got jobs pretty quickly. My friend then lost his within a few weeks. It was at a bank and he kept questioning their processes, bringing up more efficient possibilities. But he got a new one. He worked overnights for awhile at a convenience store.
We made it work.
When my husband and I moved to Los Angeles we had a lease for an apartment but even less money in the bank. I am not sure how we paid the first several months of rent. I am not even sure how we had the money to get to LA.
But we made it work.
Aside from my high risk moves, I took cross country journeys, on my own, without a cell phone. Gasp! Sure, I miss that freedom sometimes, but I also know I made the most of it when I had it.
My reminiscing made me feel better about my lack of recent travels (and lack of future travel opportunities).
This reminds me that no matter how hard things are currently, I need to make the most and best of, every day.
Divine Intervention?
I am not a particularly religious person. I believe in God but have not gotten further than that.
Today, I went to get a coffee before work. When I sat down on a couch to drink it, on a table in front of me was a business card for:
New Mexico Mountain Club
Hmmmm. Did someone accidently leave it? Was it left intentionally? Regardless, I am choosing to see it as divine intervention.
This is what I need to do next. Maybe it will lead to a new relationship. Maybe it will lead to a new friend. Maybe it will lead to awesome mountain experiences.
I looked the club up online and there is a membership meeting the third wednesday of the month. It just happened for February but I will plan to go in March.
Thank you for the guidance.
Today, I went to get a coffee before work. When I sat down on a couch to drink it, on a table in front of me was a business card for:
New Mexico Mountain Club
Hmmmm. Did someone accidently leave it? Was it left intentionally? Regardless, I am choosing to see it as divine intervention.
This is what I need to do next. Maybe it will lead to a new relationship. Maybe it will lead to a new friend. Maybe it will lead to awesome mountain experiences.
I looked the club up online and there is a membership meeting the third wednesday of the month. It just happened for February but I will plan to go in March.
Thank you for the guidance.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Hating the Roller Coaster
I hate this roller coaster.
I did fine today. Really well. Nice day at work, got the kids, got them drive through and was fine.
Got home and called a friend and lost it.
It did not help that I got more "game playing" from my husband.
Last night I reminded him to call the kids and asked that he call earlier. I was helping my daughter in the bath and missed the call at 7:18. He did not leave a message or send a text. At 7:27, I returned the call and got no answer. I never received a call back or a text.
He must be falling asleep on the couch even earlier!
Amazing!
If he wanted to talk to us, he would keep the phone with him. Or at the least, LOOK AT IT every 15 minutes.
Sigh. We are clearly very important to him.
I feel so lonely. And sad. And rejected. And mad. And scared and miserable thinking that it will be me alone raising these kids. The kitchen is a mess and I am the only one here to clean it. I have not eaten dinner because I cannot motivate myself to cook it. And there is no one else here to cook. Everything is on me.
I can sound all tough at work. I don't need him. I will be fine. And then I cannot help but think "oh crap".
I don't want to parent alone. I want a partner.
I know I say this over and over. I guess my point is that it is less about my husband being gone that makes me sad and more that I don't want to do this by myself. I will do it, because I don't have a choice. But the feeling of disappointment and despair is due to my feelings about being the only one parenting my kids. Even a divorce where dad is in the city and sees the kids once a week is a step up. I could use the break and they could use a father.
And I feel so jealous. I am jealous of my friends with their husbands that are actually INTERESTED in their children. And I am jealous that they actually have husbands. I am jealous that they have hope where I have none.
I keep going. I get up every day and do what I need to do. I know things are slipping by. I know that there will always be things slipping by because I cannot realistically keep up with everything.
I am angry at my husband for doing this to me. For causing me to be in this place. For being too selfish to think about the rest of his household.
I will close with something positive. My cats have my back. I am surrounded by three wonderful, sleepy cats right now. Animals are way more reliable than men : )
I did fine today. Really well. Nice day at work, got the kids, got them drive through and was fine.
Got home and called a friend and lost it.
It did not help that I got more "game playing" from my husband.
Last night I reminded him to call the kids and asked that he call earlier. I was helping my daughter in the bath and missed the call at 7:18. He did not leave a message or send a text. At 7:27, I returned the call and got no answer. I never received a call back or a text.
He must be falling asleep on the couch even earlier!
Amazing!
If he wanted to talk to us, he would keep the phone with him. Or at the least, LOOK AT IT every 15 minutes.
Sigh. We are clearly very important to him.
I feel so lonely. And sad. And rejected. And mad. And scared and miserable thinking that it will be me alone raising these kids. The kitchen is a mess and I am the only one here to clean it. I have not eaten dinner because I cannot motivate myself to cook it. And there is no one else here to cook. Everything is on me.
I can sound all tough at work. I don't need him. I will be fine. And then I cannot help but think "oh crap".
I don't want to parent alone. I want a partner.
I know I say this over and over. I guess my point is that it is less about my husband being gone that makes me sad and more that I don't want to do this by myself. I will do it, because I don't have a choice. But the feeling of disappointment and despair is due to my feelings about being the only one parenting my kids. Even a divorce where dad is in the city and sees the kids once a week is a step up. I could use the break and they could use a father.
And I feel so jealous. I am jealous of my friends with their husbands that are actually INTERESTED in their children. And I am jealous that they actually have husbands. I am jealous that they have hope where I have none.
I keep going. I get up every day and do what I need to do. I know things are slipping by. I know that there will always be things slipping by because I cannot realistically keep up with everything.
I am angry at my husband for doing this to me. For causing me to be in this place. For being too selfish to think about the rest of his household.
I will close with something positive. My cats have my back. I am surrounded by three wonderful, sleepy cats right now. Animals are way more reliable than men : )
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Meeting With the Lawyer
Yesterday I met with a divorce lawyer. Nothing will leave your head spinning than 90 minutes of hearing about how you have been screwed emotionally and now risk getting screwed financially.
Interestingly, I recognized the lawyer. I see her at the local coffee shop several times a week. Turns out she is in process on a divorce herself. And I realize I have not see her in awhile at the coffee shop.
The news is not good. As a community property state, should our divorce go to court, our assets and liabilities would be split. This is great for my husband. He would get half of my 401k. And I would get to pay a portion of his debt. Obviously not a good deal for me. For some reason, more than getting stuck with some of his debt, the idea of having to cash in my 401k and give him half makes me physically ill. There is not a ton of money in there. But it is symbolic of all of the efforts I have made to be responsible where he has not. And he would get half? and half of my savings? I immediately started trying to figure out ways to hide money. Not that I have much. But it is still mine. The lawyer pointed out that if he was to fight, the first thing his lawyer would do is subpoena my bank records. And then I would be in trouble for hiding money which would lead to a more costly divorce.
To avoid going to court, he and I would need to come up with a settlement we could both agree on. I am assuming he would agree on just about anything right now since he is clear that he did something lousy by leaving his family. The lawyer points out that I want to seize on this opportunity because should his guilt change to where in order to make himself feel better he puts all of the blame on me, he would then be less likely to sign. And more likely to fight. Which would cost me money in lawyers fees and likely in my having to give him a part of my 401k and savings. Again, I don't have a lot. Fighting would probably cost more than he would get. I don't see him doing that. But you never know.
On the plus side, the kids would be pretty straightforward. He does not want them anyway. We talked about child support. With my current income and his current income it would be a little over $600 a month. Which is something of course, but when you consider all of my expenses it makes me sick. This will cover child care. Which he was paying when in the home. But he also paid for some other stuff here and there. Of course with child support if he is not working I don't get anything.
The lawyer commented that her husband had gotten an apartment down the street and that he wanted their son every other week. This is so sad, but I am yearning for a divorce like that. Where the ex stays in town and sees the kids a few times a week and you get a break without having to hire a babysitter. And the kids don't lose their dad.
All I can say is that this just sucks.
Too much to think about.
Interestingly, I recognized the lawyer. I see her at the local coffee shop several times a week. Turns out she is in process on a divorce herself. And I realize I have not see her in awhile at the coffee shop.
The news is not good. As a community property state, should our divorce go to court, our assets and liabilities would be split. This is great for my husband. He would get half of my 401k. And I would get to pay a portion of his debt. Obviously not a good deal for me. For some reason, more than getting stuck with some of his debt, the idea of having to cash in my 401k and give him half makes me physically ill. There is not a ton of money in there. But it is symbolic of all of the efforts I have made to be responsible where he has not. And he would get half? and half of my savings? I immediately started trying to figure out ways to hide money. Not that I have much. But it is still mine. The lawyer pointed out that if he was to fight, the first thing his lawyer would do is subpoena my bank records. And then I would be in trouble for hiding money which would lead to a more costly divorce.
To avoid going to court, he and I would need to come up with a settlement we could both agree on. I am assuming he would agree on just about anything right now since he is clear that he did something lousy by leaving his family. The lawyer points out that I want to seize on this opportunity because should his guilt change to where in order to make himself feel better he puts all of the blame on me, he would then be less likely to sign. And more likely to fight. Which would cost me money in lawyers fees and likely in my having to give him a part of my 401k and savings. Again, I don't have a lot. Fighting would probably cost more than he would get. I don't see him doing that. But you never know.
On the plus side, the kids would be pretty straightforward. He does not want them anyway. We talked about child support. With my current income and his current income it would be a little over $600 a month. Which is something of course, but when you consider all of my expenses it makes me sick. This will cover child care. Which he was paying when in the home. But he also paid for some other stuff here and there. Of course with child support if he is not working I don't get anything.
The lawyer commented that her husband had gotten an apartment down the street and that he wanted their son every other week. This is so sad, but I am yearning for a divorce like that. Where the ex stays in town and sees the kids a few times a week and you get a break without having to hire a babysitter. And the kids don't lose their dad.
All I can say is that this just sucks.
Too much to think about.
Roller Coaster of Emotions
My emotions have been all over the place and this has not be a lot of fun. Trying to explain this to the therapist yesterday...I could not believe some of the stuff coming out of my mouth goes against my image of myself as a "Bad Ass" and I don't like that : )
So here I go trying to explain how I feel in writing.
Sunday night is the night that my husband calls for the kids. We were out for dinner and I was driving home when his call came in. I did not answer because I only had one kid with me and she was half asleep. Within 15 minutes I pulled up to my house and texted him to let him know that the kids were half asleep and lets have them talk on monday. As a side note my husband seems to think the best time to call is 15 minutes before their bedtime. To make it more fun to get them to sleep. I texted him around 8pm mountain time, which is 10pm in Atlanta.
I don't get a response to my text on sunday night. Which irks me. He made the call but did not leave a voicemail. He did not text. And now he was not responding to my response no more than 15 minutes later. My husband is a night person and he is not doing anything so it is not like he should be so worn out from the day that he cannot send a text. I am more and more irritated as time passes because clearly to him making us feel important is NOT a priority. This hurts. And it make
I finally here from him at NOON on monday. He fell asleep on the couch and JUST GOT MY TEXT. Seriously? Well I hope he is not getting calls about jobs or anything because he is hardly in touch with his phone.
He says he will call last night and by 8pm and no call I put the kids to bed. I texted him that it was nice to see we were so important to him. And please transfer money for the phone bill.
He texted back in the middle of the night that he was sorry, he fell asleep. Again.
Seriously?
The funny thing is that i seem to be able to get over the fact that I am not all that important to my husband. But I want some hope that I will not be a single parent forever. I am embarassed to admit this. I am supposed to be tough and not need anyone and I keep thinking "I don't want to do this alone!" Parenting is fun when you have the right partner. On your own...not so much. There are all of these things you are supposed to take you kid to do and I want someone to help make it fun. Like parades. I hate parades. But if it was me and a partner and the kids we could make it fun. On my own, it just feels like drudgery. Most people don't go into parenting thinking "yay, I will be a single parent!" I don't want this life. I am envious of what my friends have and I want that. Why can't I have that? And then i cry. The idea of doing this myself until the kids are adults makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out.
When I think of "Hiking Man" I start to realize all of the potential issues of dating again. Realistically he will have kids too. And maybe he only gets them every other weekend. So is he a full time dad to my/our kids and then only a part time dad to his kids that he has already raised for 10 years? How does that work? Could we even live together? Because then his kids feel like they have lost something? I appreciate that I am jumping too far ahead but this is how my mind works. Dating would now be way more complicated than in my 20's.
So there you go. Wait till my next post on my "visit with the lawyer".
So here I go trying to explain how I feel in writing.
Sunday night is the night that my husband calls for the kids. We were out for dinner and I was driving home when his call came in. I did not answer because I only had one kid with me and she was half asleep. Within 15 minutes I pulled up to my house and texted him to let him know that the kids were half asleep and lets have them talk on monday. As a side note my husband seems to think the best time to call is 15 minutes before their bedtime. To make it more fun to get them to sleep. I texted him around 8pm mountain time, which is 10pm in Atlanta.
I don't get a response to my text on sunday night. Which irks me. He made the call but did not leave a voicemail. He did not text. And now he was not responding to my response no more than 15 minutes later. My husband is a night person and he is not doing anything so it is not like he should be so worn out from the day that he cannot send a text. I am more and more irritated as time passes because clearly to him making us feel important is NOT a priority. This hurts. And it make
I finally here from him at NOON on monday. He fell asleep on the couch and JUST GOT MY TEXT. Seriously? Well I hope he is not getting calls about jobs or anything because he is hardly in touch with his phone.
He says he will call last night and by 8pm and no call I put the kids to bed. I texted him that it was nice to see we were so important to him. And please transfer money for the phone bill.
He texted back in the middle of the night that he was sorry, he fell asleep. Again.
Seriously?
The funny thing is that i seem to be able to get over the fact that I am not all that important to my husband. But I want some hope that I will not be a single parent forever. I am embarassed to admit this. I am supposed to be tough and not need anyone and I keep thinking "I don't want to do this alone!" Parenting is fun when you have the right partner. On your own...not so much. There are all of these things you are supposed to take you kid to do and I want someone to help make it fun. Like parades. I hate parades. But if it was me and a partner and the kids we could make it fun. On my own, it just feels like drudgery. Most people don't go into parenting thinking "yay, I will be a single parent!" I don't want this life. I am envious of what my friends have and I want that. Why can't I have that? And then i cry. The idea of doing this myself until the kids are adults makes me want to crawl in bed and never come out.
When I think of "Hiking Man" I start to realize all of the potential issues of dating again. Realistically he will have kids too. And maybe he only gets them every other weekend. So is he a full time dad to my/our kids and then only a part time dad to his kids that he has already raised for 10 years? How does that work? Could we even live together? Because then his kids feel like they have lost something? I appreciate that I am jumping too far ahead but this is how my mind works. Dating would now be way more complicated than in my 20's.
So there you go. Wait till my next post on my "visit with the lawyer".
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Fairness
This is a great quote I just saw that I need to remember when I am feeling like it is not fair that I got the husband I got vs. some of the husbands my friends got.
"Fair is not everyone getting the same thing. Fair is everyone getting what they need. "
As far as partnerships go, I did not get the same thing as others. Could one argue that I have what I need?
Yes.
"Fair is not everyone getting the same thing. Fair is everyone getting what they need. "
As far as partnerships go, I did not get the same thing as others. Could one argue that I have what I need?
Yes.
Perspective
You know those days when you feel good about where you are in your ? number of years?
Today was one of those days. Feeling really good about where I am at at 37. Despite all of this drama.
Since my parents were here I went to visit a friend. My friend has been going through some stuff with her husband. He sounds a lot like mine. Just like there are some positives to my husband (he does work hard at his job, for example), there are positives about hers...he stays home with the kids, is always happy to watch them (and their friends) and give her time away. He has made their backyard a kids' dreamworld. But he does not work and has very little motivation to get a job or have a career. He fools around all day and when she gets home after a long day she still has to cook and do the housework. It was similar with my husband, as he worked less hours. Ultimately, it seems like the real issue for my friend is a she is not really in love with him. She feels terrible about this. Guilty. But she is unhappy. She has tried counseling and couples counseling and encouraging him to go on his own.
On first glance, considering my current situation, it is easy to think "you have the luxury to worry about whether you are in love? must be nice!"
But upon further thought, it is clear that, like so much in life, is a matter of perspective.
To my friend, not having this deep emotional love with her husband is devastating. My husband quit the family and I am doing okay. She commented as I was leaving that here I was going through the most horrible experience of my life and I am trying to come up with ways to help her get to a better place. I laughed, because I don't really see it that way.
Here is how I see it: Something minor or mundane can be the end of the world to someone while someone can experience something significant and barely miss a beat. We are all in different places in our personal growth and what we can handle/how we handle it. To me, considering my own husband, hers does not sound too bad. I could hike all I wanted on my own with this guy around. But to her, the pain she feels is as bad if not worse than what I am experiencing.
I am proud of how I am handling this. I am not naive; there will be more challenges ahead of similar or greater degrees of "horribleness". But I have the tools and strength necessary to get through whatever comes in my path.
I know that not everyone is as fortunate. And that their reactions are a matter of their own perspective.
Today was one of those days. Feeling really good about where I am at at 37. Despite all of this drama.
Since my parents were here I went to visit a friend. My friend has been going through some stuff with her husband. He sounds a lot like mine. Just like there are some positives to my husband (he does work hard at his job, for example), there are positives about hers...he stays home with the kids, is always happy to watch them (and their friends) and give her time away. He has made their backyard a kids' dreamworld. But he does not work and has very little motivation to get a job or have a career. He fools around all day and when she gets home after a long day she still has to cook and do the housework. It was similar with my husband, as he worked less hours. Ultimately, it seems like the real issue for my friend is a she is not really in love with him. She feels terrible about this. Guilty. But she is unhappy. She has tried counseling and couples counseling and encouraging him to go on his own.
On first glance, considering my current situation, it is easy to think "you have the luxury to worry about whether you are in love? must be nice!"
But upon further thought, it is clear that, like so much in life, is a matter of perspective.
To my friend, not having this deep emotional love with her husband is devastating. My husband quit the family and I am doing okay. She commented as I was leaving that here I was going through the most horrible experience of my life and I am trying to come up with ways to help her get to a better place. I laughed, because I don't really see it that way.
Here is how I see it: Something minor or mundane can be the end of the world to someone while someone can experience something significant and barely miss a beat. We are all in different places in our personal growth and what we can handle/how we handle it. To me, considering my own husband, hers does not sound too bad. I could hike all I wanted on my own with this guy around. But to her, the pain she feels is as bad if not worse than what I am experiencing.
I am proud of how I am handling this. I am not naive; there will be more challenges ahead of similar or greater degrees of "horribleness". But I have the tools and strength necessary to get through whatever comes in my path.
I know that not everyone is as fortunate. And that their reactions are a matter of their own perspective.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Freedom
I don't think I miss my husband very much, if at all.
I am not sure how I feel about this. Sad, I guess.
What I think it is that I miss is freedom. Tonight, since my parents were here, I ran out to the store after the kids went to bed. That is not really an option normally. While I was out I stopped at Sonic to get an ice cream. I miss having the opportunity to do that. Though upon looking at the nutritional facts on the Sonic Blast online I should be relieved to not often have that opportunity.
It is nice to not have to get everything done during the workday. It is nice to not have to anticipate that I am going to want a salad and have to get it during my lunch break to eat for dinner later. The time between my picking up the kids and getting them into bed is minimal. No time for spur of the moment excursions.
I miss being able to get a coffee for an hour in the morning. Alone. I miss being able to send someone else to the store.
I miss my freedom. I miss having ANY freedom.
But I don't miss his yelling. His constantly being on edge. I don't miss his bad attitude or snarky comments. I don't miss his clutter. I really don't miss his clutter.
I am not sure how I feel about this. Sad, I guess.
What I think it is that I miss is freedom. Tonight, since my parents were here, I ran out to the store after the kids went to bed. That is not really an option normally. While I was out I stopped at Sonic to get an ice cream. I miss having the opportunity to do that. Though upon looking at the nutritional facts on the Sonic Blast online I should be relieved to not often have that opportunity.
It is nice to not have to get everything done during the workday. It is nice to not have to anticipate that I am going to want a salad and have to get it during my lunch break to eat for dinner later. The time between my picking up the kids and getting them into bed is minimal. No time for spur of the moment excursions.
I miss being able to get a coffee for an hour in the morning. Alone. I miss being able to send someone else to the store.
I miss my freedom. I miss having ANY freedom.
But I don't miss his yelling. His constantly being on edge. I don't miss his bad attitude or snarky comments. I don't miss his clutter. I really don't miss his clutter.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
What I Am Choosing To Celebrate Today : )
The excitement on the faces of little kids over $5 stuffed animals will improve the most black of moods.
I am wearing black today (not intentionally) and I look good.
Discovered that my husband actually leased the car he went and "purchased" without my input in his quest to do it himself. We don't make a lot of money. The idea has been to pay off the car and have no payments. Or that's what I thought.
So today I am celebrating that the new vehicle LEASE is in HIS NAME ONLY.
I am also celebrating freedom from his excessive clutter. There are no piles around!
I am choosing to celebrate that I can daydream about Hiking Man without any guilt whatsoever.
I am celebrating my beautiful children. They rock!
And my cats. They also rock.
While I am at it I am celebrating ME. I bought myself some sports tank tops on sale at REI today. Originally $55 and reduced to $12. And they look GREAT.
I am celebrating my good run today (with the new tank top).
Celebrating the grant application I turned in today...a day early. Good to know personal drama does not get in the way of my work.
And I am celebrating my friends.
I could go on. But I am going to pick up my kids so we can celebrate together.
I am wearing black today (not intentionally) and I look good.
Discovered that my husband actually leased the car he went and "purchased" without my input in his quest to do it himself. We don't make a lot of money. The idea has been to pay off the car and have no payments. Or that's what I thought.
So today I am celebrating that the new vehicle LEASE is in HIS NAME ONLY.
I am also celebrating freedom from his excessive clutter. There are no piles around!
I am choosing to celebrate that I can daydream about Hiking Man without any guilt whatsoever.
I am celebrating my beautiful children. They rock!
And my cats. They also rock.
While I am at it I am celebrating ME. I bought myself some sports tank tops on sale at REI today. Originally $55 and reduced to $12. And they look GREAT.
I am celebrating my good run today (with the new tank top).
Celebrating the grant application I turned in today...a day early. Good to know personal drama does not get in the way of my work.
And I am celebrating my friends.
I could go on. But I am going to pick up my kids so we can celebrate together.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
I Hate Valentine's Day.
I did not like Valentines Day much before meeting my husband. And after 17 years of not being without a "Valentine" I don't like it much now either.
Today I went to the store to get Valentine items for the kids. I know I need to do something nice for them and that they will get a kick out of waking up to some surprises. Walking down the aisle lined with Valentine items just felt lousy. Not that I ever really celebrated Valentine's Day. It really did not matter; all that love stuff was just an in-your-face reminder of what I did not have.
I got a few things for the kids, paid and got out of the store. Despite having felt pretty darn good the last few days I felt very sad. I got back to my office and at the request of a co-worker who was out sick, went to check the card on the box she had received today. An early Valentine's gift. I had let her know about the box, because it said perishable, and we were not sure if we should open it for her. My friend seemed confused as to who would send her flowers. Her husband? Yeah, maybe. She asked me to check the card. I could not find the card but inside the box was an adorable little stuffed bear, some roses and some candy. I close the box, put it back in the refrigerator and nearly cried.
I was fortunate to get to leave the office a short while later for an appointment and I sent a text to the friend who just gave birth.
"I am going to get myself a Valentines Day present. Ideas?"
And then I let the tears fall.
Funny because it should be easier this year. I won't be disappointed that he doesn't do something. Clearly, he will not be doing anything to celebrate our "love". Is there even love?
I dread tomorrow. Having to deal with co-workers getting flowers. Having to be excited for the kids. Having my parents come to town on a day that will surely not be my strongest.
My friend texts me back. She recommends fresh flowers from Trader Joe's or perfume.
I am not sure if my friend is trying to make me laugh but the last bottle of perfume I had was when I was a teenager.
I chuckle a bit because the idea of me spending money on perfume is nothing short of comical.
My friend said she figured that would be my reaction but thought she would throw it out there.
People without "Valentines" should ban together and celebrate some sort of friendship day. I am hoping to convince my parents to hang with the kids for a few hours and I will take myself out.
Because while I am disgusted with my husband, I like myself.
I will be my own Valentine this year. I will show myself love.
I deserve it.
Today I went to the store to get Valentine items for the kids. I know I need to do something nice for them and that they will get a kick out of waking up to some surprises. Walking down the aisle lined with Valentine items just felt lousy. Not that I ever really celebrated Valentine's Day. It really did not matter; all that love stuff was just an in-your-face reminder of what I did not have.
I got a few things for the kids, paid and got out of the store. Despite having felt pretty darn good the last few days I felt very sad. I got back to my office and at the request of a co-worker who was out sick, went to check the card on the box she had received today. An early Valentine's gift. I had let her know about the box, because it said perishable, and we were not sure if we should open it for her. My friend seemed confused as to who would send her flowers. Her husband? Yeah, maybe. She asked me to check the card. I could not find the card but inside the box was an adorable little stuffed bear, some roses and some candy. I close the box, put it back in the refrigerator and nearly cried.
I was fortunate to get to leave the office a short while later for an appointment and I sent a text to the friend who just gave birth.
"I am going to get myself a Valentines Day present. Ideas?"
And then I let the tears fall.
Funny because it should be easier this year. I won't be disappointed that he doesn't do something. Clearly, he will not be doing anything to celebrate our "love". Is there even love?
I dread tomorrow. Having to deal with co-workers getting flowers. Having to be excited for the kids. Having my parents come to town on a day that will surely not be my strongest.
My friend texts me back. She recommends fresh flowers from Trader Joe's or perfume.
I am not sure if my friend is trying to make me laugh but the last bottle of perfume I had was when I was a teenager.
I chuckle a bit because the idea of me spending money on perfume is nothing short of comical.
My friend said she figured that would be my reaction but thought she would throw it out there.
People without "Valentines" should ban together and celebrate some sort of friendship day. I am hoping to convince my parents to hang with the kids for a few hours and I will take myself out.
Because while I am disgusted with my husband, I like myself.
I will be my own Valentine this year. I will show myself love.
I deserve it.
This Parent Is Doing All Right
A few friends came over last night to see how they could provide support, something I greatly appreciate. I was able to articulate my feelings around my husband which right now center around disgust. Not anger. Just this overall feeling of "seriously? ick."
One friend mentioned that this disgust is at what appears to be his true character that has now come out. She mentioned that many times true character does not come out until there are children. I would say this is certainly true in our relationship. Without the kids, both of us were able to do our own thing and minimum sacrifice was required. Kids come and it is all about sacrifice, even in the best of circumstances. My husband does not want to sacrifice. He will admit that he is selfish. I am not 100%, but I think he may be okay with being selfish.
My feeling of disgust comes from the choices he has made and is making. To choose to just pack some stuff and not come home. Sort of wimpy. Not a lot of character there. I appreciate that there are mental health challenges going on. But he could have picked up the phone. Could have stopped by my office. Could have sent a text. Something. Instead he left me to notice things missing from our home.
He did not have to leave the state. He could have made choices that would allow him to see the kids for a few hours a week. He could have stayed to explain to them (or try) that this is not about them. He left all of that to me.
What kind of man is okay with going on a road trip at his leisure without discussion with his wife while leaving her 100% physically and financially responsible for two special needs children (with therapy twice a week), the family home, the rental property, and five cats? While he is enjoying his road trip with no time frame, he leaves his wife to balance the above AND the full time job that pays for it all. AND the increased behaviors of the kids who don't understand why daddy is suddenly not around.
Who does this? How can I not be disgusted. Anger, you can get over. I am not sure you can get over disgust. Not sure he could ever redeem himself in my eyes.
For many reasons, he is a lucky man. The guilt he will feel when he realizes what a lousy person he has been will be less than it could be because I have not fallen apart. The kids have not fallen apart. I am too strong for that. So he will not have to feel guilty for "ruining my life" or for my misery. The house is cleaner than it ever has been. The kids are getting to school on time. I am keeping up with all of my work.
His weakness is testing my strength but I am passing with flying colors.
I am sad for him. He is missing out on a great woman and great children. His interest in only himself is his loss.
I hope to look back at this time and realize not what I have lost, but all that I have gained.
One friend mentioned that this disgust is at what appears to be his true character that has now come out. She mentioned that many times true character does not come out until there are children. I would say this is certainly true in our relationship. Without the kids, both of us were able to do our own thing and minimum sacrifice was required. Kids come and it is all about sacrifice, even in the best of circumstances. My husband does not want to sacrifice. He will admit that he is selfish. I am not 100%, but I think he may be okay with being selfish.
My feeling of disgust comes from the choices he has made and is making. To choose to just pack some stuff and not come home. Sort of wimpy. Not a lot of character there. I appreciate that there are mental health challenges going on. But he could have picked up the phone. Could have stopped by my office. Could have sent a text. Something. Instead he left me to notice things missing from our home.
He did not have to leave the state. He could have made choices that would allow him to see the kids for a few hours a week. He could have stayed to explain to them (or try) that this is not about them. He left all of that to me.
What kind of man is okay with going on a road trip at his leisure without discussion with his wife while leaving her 100% physically and financially responsible for two special needs children (with therapy twice a week), the family home, the rental property, and five cats? While he is enjoying his road trip with no time frame, he leaves his wife to balance the above AND the full time job that pays for it all. AND the increased behaviors of the kids who don't understand why daddy is suddenly not around.
Who does this? How can I not be disgusted. Anger, you can get over. I am not sure you can get over disgust. Not sure he could ever redeem himself in my eyes.
For many reasons, he is a lucky man. The guilt he will feel when he realizes what a lousy person he has been will be less than it could be because I have not fallen apart. The kids have not fallen apart. I am too strong for that. So he will not have to feel guilty for "ruining my life" or for my misery. The house is cleaner than it ever has been. The kids are getting to school on time. I am keeping up with all of my work.
His weakness is testing my strength but I am passing with flying colors.
I am sad for him. He is missing out on a great woman and great children. His interest in only himself is his loss.
I hope to look back at this time and realize not what I have lost, but all that I have gained.
Monday, February 11, 2013
My Babysitter May Be Psychic...
Or at the least she has some sort of mama mojo.
She texted to let me know she was free tonight if I needed her. I don't think I have ever needed a babysitter on a monday. But since my parents are coming this weekend I figured it might be worthwhile to enjoy a break. So I said sure.
Thank goodness. We will have to watch and see if behavior increases after talks with dad. The kids spoke with dad last night. My son was very difficult this morning and worse when I picked him up. Though his teacher reports he had a great day.
First he refused to come. He was playing some game and did not want to stop playing. Every other day when I pick them up I get a guilt trip for not coming earlier. Today I was earlier and I could not get him to come. Then he leaves his backpack. I send him to go get it and he plays the "stupid game". He crawls all around looking for his backpack, when not three minutes ago it was right in front of him. I tell his sister we may as well sit, this will take awhile. He finally gets the backpack, brings it outside and throws it. I had told the kids we would get donuts but by this point I was already aggravated. I decide I will get the donuts when the sitter comes. They don't need any additional stops. I let them know and my son starts to wail. He sobs the whole way home. Fortunately we live close. He sobs on his way into the house and closes the door on his sister. Nice. I tell him to go sit on the couch. That he needs some time to think about what he is so upset about. More tantrum. He refuses to sit on the couch. He finally sits then wants a book. I tell him no book, this is time to think. He waits until I turn my head and he sneaks up to get a book. I see him and ask him for the book back. He throws it. I let him know I am adding a minute to his time. He throws himself off the couch, then cries that he is hurt. I tell him to get back on the couch and that i will add another minute. This goes on and on.
By this point the babysitter comes. What a relief. It is amazing how much better they both do with two people present and involved. We had a decent dinner. We did homework and read. Then they got some tv time.
It was a good thing the babysitter anticipated our need.
In the meantime, my husband texted that he transferred money to me for the car insurance. Still no hello, how are you, I miss you. Is he listening? Or does he just not care?
She texted to let me know she was free tonight if I needed her. I don't think I have ever needed a babysitter on a monday. But since my parents are coming this weekend I figured it might be worthwhile to enjoy a break. So I said sure.
Thank goodness. We will have to watch and see if behavior increases after talks with dad. The kids spoke with dad last night. My son was very difficult this morning and worse when I picked him up. Though his teacher reports he had a great day.
First he refused to come. He was playing some game and did not want to stop playing. Every other day when I pick them up I get a guilt trip for not coming earlier. Today I was earlier and I could not get him to come. Then he leaves his backpack. I send him to go get it and he plays the "stupid game". He crawls all around looking for his backpack, when not three minutes ago it was right in front of him. I tell his sister we may as well sit, this will take awhile. He finally gets the backpack, brings it outside and throws it. I had told the kids we would get donuts but by this point I was already aggravated. I decide I will get the donuts when the sitter comes. They don't need any additional stops. I let them know and my son starts to wail. He sobs the whole way home. Fortunately we live close. He sobs on his way into the house and closes the door on his sister. Nice. I tell him to go sit on the couch. That he needs some time to think about what he is so upset about. More tantrum. He refuses to sit on the couch. He finally sits then wants a book. I tell him no book, this is time to think. He waits until I turn my head and he sneaks up to get a book. I see him and ask him for the book back. He throws it. I let him know I am adding a minute to his time. He throws himself off the couch, then cries that he is hurt. I tell him to get back on the couch and that i will add another minute. This goes on and on.
By this point the babysitter comes. What a relief. It is amazing how much better they both do with two people present and involved. We had a decent dinner. We did homework and read. Then they got some tv time.
It was a good thing the babysitter anticipated our need.
In the meantime, my husband texted that he transferred money to me for the car insurance. Still no hello, how are you, I miss you. Is he listening? Or does he just not care?
I Like Myself
Today I was chatting with my boss. I mentioned "Hiking Man" as I was trying to tell her that I am feeling pretty good today. Somehow she started on how I would notice how good I would feel about myself if I started taking care of my physical self...meaning hair, dry hands, a pair of "cute" glasses.
Here is the thing. I already do feel good about myself. Sure I have my days here and there like anyone. But for the most part I like being me. I am in good shape. My hair is a little long but if I actually do it it looks pretty nice. Sure it could use a trim but hardly urgent. Not sure what is wrong with my glasses. My hands? Sure they are very dry and need some help but the dry skin is not who I am.
Who am I? I am a cool person! I am a good friend and I have good friends. I am a mom and I think I am a good mom. I am athletic. I like to help people. I am a great employee who works hard. I care about others. I will go out of my way for you. I have great cats. I love to write. I love to run and hike and bike and be outside. I enjoy spending time in the garden. I love house projects. I never give up. I will not be kept down. If I set my mind to something I will do it. I am unique. I try to see the good in people. I am open minded and flexible. I am trying to learn Spanish. I am independent and I am tough.
This is who I am. When I think of me, that is me. My outward appearance is fine. But it is all of these other aspects of me that make me interesting. After this talk with my supervisor, I looked in the mirror. I think I am kind of cute anyway. Definitely not horrible looking. My clothes say I am more interested in comfort than appearance. And that is true. My hair says I am more concerned with sleep or getting my kids ready than in worrying about a hairstyle. That is true too.
I like myself. I look good both inside and outside.
I am proud to be me.
Here is the thing. I already do feel good about myself. Sure I have my days here and there like anyone. But for the most part I like being me. I am in good shape. My hair is a little long but if I actually do it it looks pretty nice. Sure it could use a trim but hardly urgent. Not sure what is wrong with my glasses. My hands? Sure they are very dry and need some help but the dry skin is not who I am.
Who am I? I am a cool person! I am a good friend and I have good friends. I am a mom and I think I am a good mom. I am athletic. I like to help people. I am a great employee who works hard. I care about others. I will go out of my way for you. I have great cats. I love to write. I love to run and hike and bike and be outside. I enjoy spending time in the garden. I love house projects. I never give up. I will not be kept down. If I set my mind to something I will do it. I am unique. I try to see the good in people. I am open minded and flexible. I am trying to learn Spanish. I am independent and I am tough.
This is who I am. When I think of me, that is me. My outward appearance is fine. But it is all of these other aspects of me that make me interesting. After this talk with my supervisor, I looked in the mirror. I think I am kind of cute anyway. Definitely not horrible looking. My clothes say I am more interested in comfort than appearance. And that is true. My hair says I am more concerned with sleep or getting my kids ready than in worrying about a hairstyle. That is true too.
I like myself. I look good both inside and outside.
I am proud to be me.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
"Hiking Man"
Every good break-up or separation deserves a good fantasy and I came up with mine today. I am a bit embarrassed to be daydreaming already, but a friend pointed out that my husband had not been real involved with the family for awhile so this makes sense.
I am of course open to continuing my marriage. Not sure how my husband feels, but I have decided that I will (at least in the immediate future) give him the opportunity to prove he can be the husband I want and deserve and the father my kids deserve. If he can, then he can come back. If he can't, well....
So introducing "Hiking Man" also known as HM. HM is between 33 and 43 and loves to hike. He can spend all day in the mountain and enjoys hiking alone, in a group, with his family and with children. HM also enjoys camping for a night or for a week. He is knowledgeable about the wilderness and loves to share that knowledge. HM enjoys making hiking fun for kids and looks forward to introducing geocaching and planning scavenger hunts. The race, ethnicity and physical appearance of hiking man is irrelevant. He is in good physical condition from all of the hiking and eats well. Lots of vegetables. HM does not really enjoy cooking but will do it when necessary. He does enjoy making pancakes and will even get up early to make pancakes before a good long hike.
HM also enjoys biking (road and mountain) but hiking is top choice. He would go every day if possible. HM also appreciates how important hiking is to others and will make incredible statements like "you have had a rough week, why don't I spend time with the kids and you take the day to hike". HM would happily offer you the opportunity to go on a backpacking trip for a week, without a second thought. He thinks it will be fun to have the kids to himself : ) He also appreciates that you need the time to rejuvinate. HM wants to save money to visit national parks; in fact those are his favorite vacations. Nothing like a week in a national park!
HM did not play a ton of team sports as a kid but can throw the football or baseball okay. Regardless, he is happy to take the kids to their activities. He is comfortable with others and makes friends with the kids' teammates parents. He even offers to assistant coach when they are young. HM's career does not matter as he knows that life is about much more than working. He typically earns around 50k but enjoys a flexible schedule that allows him to pick the kids up at around 4 and take them for hikes or other activities and do homework with them. Since this is a fantasy man not a lot has been said about the down sides to HM. One is that he tends to be caught up in having fun with the kids and forgets to start dinner. Oh well.
Of course we wonder how HM is available, as we always have this thought that the good ones are taken by this age. Well, HM was at one point. He had been married and maybe even had a kid or two. His wife went from earthy granola to someone who was unhappy without the more expensive things in life. She was always pushing HM to get a job that paid more so she could enjoy a higher end lifestyle. She finally got the clue that this was not the thing for HM and they divorced relatively amicably. If there are kids, HM has at least 50/50 custody. Since being divorced HM has spent his time enjoying his children, hiking and keeping an eye out for Hiking Woman. HM does not come with a ton of baggage. Not a lot of drama.
HM enjoys projects around the house and is relatively handy. He loves to show kids how to use tools and how to build things. Another negative about HM is that he does not enjoy cleaning. He will do some cleaning but is fine with messy. Which is okay because he will take the kids while you are doing the cleaning. HM enjoys being a dad and knows how to make things fun. He is on board with the idea of spending a few hours on the weekend making meals for the week and will make this a good time for everyone.
HM is not religious but is spiritual, particularly regarding mountains and nature. That being said, he is open to religion and likes to learn. HM is not obsessed with football or baseball but looks forward to taking the kids to their first professional sporting event. HM also likes to do what he can to make you feel special. He knows that you don't like to get flowers but will pick up a cactus in a pretty pot to say "I love you". HM will give you a card here and there that says he cares.
While HM is a fantasy, the right man, which could be my husband with his priorities in order, will respect and appreciate me and the kids. He will make us the priority. And he will compromise. So maybe he is not "Hiking Man". But he will hike every few weeks because it is something that I enjoy and that I want my kids to experience.
It's fun to have a fantasy : )
I am of course open to continuing my marriage. Not sure how my husband feels, but I have decided that I will (at least in the immediate future) give him the opportunity to prove he can be the husband I want and deserve and the father my kids deserve. If he can, then he can come back. If he can't, well....
So introducing "Hiking Man" also known as HM. HM is between 33 and 43 and loves to hike. He can spend all day in the mountain and enjoys hiking alone, in a group, with his family and with children. HM also enjoys camping for a night or for a week. He is knowledgeable about the wilderness and loves to share that knowledge. HM enjoys making hiking fun for kids and looks forward to introducing geocaching and planning scavenger hunts. The race, ethnicity and physical appearance of hiking man is irrelevant. He is in good physical condition from all of the hiking and eats well. Lots of vegetables. HM does not really enjoy cooking but will do it when necessary. He does enjoy making pancakes and will even get up early to make pancakes before a good long hike.
HM also enjoys biking (road and mountain) but hiking is top choice. He would go every day if possible. HM also appreciates how important hiking is to others and will make incredible statements like "you have had a rough week, why don't I spend time with the kids and you take the day to hike". HM would happily offer you the opportunity to go on a backpacking trip for a week, without a second thought. He thinks it will be fun to have the kids to himself : ) He also appreciates that you need the time to rejuvinate. HM wants to save money to visit national parks; in fact those are his favorite vacations. Nothing like a week in a national park!
HM did not play a ton of team sports as a kid but can throw the football or baseball okay. Regardless, he is happy to take the kids to their activities. He is comfortable with others and makes friends with the kids' teammates parents. He even offers to assistant coach when they are young. HM's career does not matter as he knows that life is about much more than working. He typically earns around 50k but enjoys a flexible schedule that allows him to pick the kids up at around 4 and take them for hikes or other activities and do homework with them. Since this is a fantasy man not a lot has been said about the down sides to HM. One is that he tends to be caught up in having fun with the kids and forgets to start dinner. Oh well.
Of course we wonder how HM is available, as we always have this thought that the good ones are taken by this age. Well, HM was at one point. He had been married and maybe even had a kid or two. His wife went from earthy granola to someone who was unhappy without the more expensive things in life. She was always pushing HM to get a job that paid more so she could enjoy a higher end lifestyle. She finally got the clue that this was not the thing for HM and they divorced relatively amicably. If there are kids, HM has at least 50/50 custody. Since being divorced HM has spent his time enjoying his children, hiking and keeping an eye out for Hiking Woman. HM does not come with a ton of baggage. Not a lot of drama.
HM enjoys projects around the house and is relatively handy. He loves to show kids how to use tools and how to build things. Another negative about HM is that he does not enjoy cleaning. He will do some cleaning but is fine with messy. Which is okay because he will take the kids while you are doing the cleaning. HM enjoys being a dad and knows how to make things fun. He is on board with the idea of spending a few hours on the weekend making meals for the week and will make this a good time for everyone.
HM is not religious but is spiritual, particularly regarding mountains and nature. That being said, he is open to religion and likes to learn. HM is not obsessed with football or baseball but looks forward to taking the kids to their first professional sporting event. HM also likes to do what he can to make you feel special. He knows that you don't like to get flowers but will pick up a cactus in a pretty pot to say "I love you". HM will give you a card here and there that says he cares.
While HM is a fantasy, the right man, which could be my husband with his priorities in order, will respect and appreciate me and the kids. He will make us the priority. And he will compromise. So maybe he is not "Hiking Man". But he will hike every few weeks because it is something that I enjoy and that I want my kids to experience.
It's fun to have a fantasy : )
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Gratitude....
This is somewhat off topic but this is where my thoughts have taken me today. At a friend's get together she was talking about friendship and building relationships and it made me realize how far I have come in this area. I used to shun friends or potential friends who I did not immediately click with. My two closest friends today are women that on the surface I have little in common with. But it is our common values that make the friendship work. The friend whose get-together I was at appears to be coming to this same conclusion. She is a little older than me and like me her social circle consists of women that she does not instantly connect with. She appreciates that they are good people and is making the effort to develop stronger relationships.
I am grateful that I figured this out and have been able to build strong friendships over the years. As difficult as the last few weeks have been, my friends have truly come through for me and I am very grateful. My friend Lisa, who upon reading my text that I though my husband was gone came over despite my protests that i was fine. My friend Sarita who was giving birth as this was happening and despite being exhausted was there for me to talk to from the time I told her what had happened. My friend Linda said (and continues to say) prayers. My friend Diana, who sat in my office with me while I read awful texts from my husband and cried. My friend Kathy, who listened and got it and validated my feelings. My friend Pam, who is in another state, sent emails that would pop up first thing in the morning that were what I needed to start the day. My friend Sandra, who listened and helped me compose what to tell my kids. My newest friend Leslie, who regularly offers to watch my kids and to spend time and talk.
And I cannot forget my brother, who flew in for a 48 hour visit and who showed me and the kids an awesome weekend.
There are many things that are just plain lousy right now. But my friends have been amazing. I have spent the majority of my adult life "not needing anyone". I never let down my guard and thus people/friends don't worry much about me. Their other more needy friends get the attention.
Thank you friends and my brother for everything.
I am grateful that I figured this out and have been able to build strong friendships over the years. As difficult as the last few weeks have been, my friends have truly come through for me and I am very grateful. My friend Lisa, who upon reading my text that I though my husband was gone came over despite my protests that i was fine. My friend Sarita who was giving birth as this was happening and despite being exhausted was there for me to talk to from the time I told her what had happened. My friend Linda said (and continues to say) prayers. My friend Diana, who sat in my office with me while I read awful texts from my husband and cried. My friend Kathy, who listened and got it and validated my feelings. My friend Pam, who is in another state, sent emails that would pop up first thing in the morning that were what I needed to start the day. My friend Sandra, who listened and helped me compose what to tell my kids. My newest friend Leslie, who regularly offers to watch my kids and to spend time and talk.
And I cannot forget my brother, who flew in for a 48 hour visit and who showed me and the kids an awesome weekend.
There are many things that are just plain lousy right now. But my friends have been amazing. I have spent the majority of my adult life "not needing anyone". I never let down my guard and thus people/friends don't worry much about me. Their other more needy friends get the attention.
Thank you friends and my brother for everything.
The Man Is Alive!
Finally heard from him yesterday. He texted that he spent an extra day in Savannah before heading to Atlanta. What a shock. Then he said he got in late thursday but had been in bed most of friday because he thought he had food poisoning.
I just have to point out to anyone who intends to ditch their family and leave their partner with all of the responsibility that there are a few things that you should avoid saying. Here they are:
1. Don't tell the person that you "decided" or "wound up" spending an extra day somewhere. This infers choice. Choice is something we no longer have and being that you are the one who took all of our options away, we really don't want to know how you have options and be reminded that we don't.
2. No matter what the reason, do not tell us that you spent all day in bed. No matter how sick we are, we cannot stay in bed all day. Kids need to get to school. Kids need to eat. So even if we take a sick day we still have work to do. Quite a luxury to have the option to stay in bed all day for any reason.
On the one hand I am disgusted. On the other I am over it.
I just have to point out to anyone who intends to ditch their family and leave their partner with all of the responsibility that there are a few things that you should avoid saying. Here they are:
1. Don't tell the person that you "decided" or "wound up" spending an extra day somewhere. This infers choice. Choice is something we no longer have and being that you are the one who took all of our options away, we really don't want to know how you have options and be reminded that we don't.
2. No matter what the reason, do not tell us that you spent all day in bed. No matter how sick we are, we cannot stay in bed all day. Kids need to get to school. Kids need to eat. So even if we take a sick day we still have work to do. Quite a luxury to have the option to stay in bed all day for any reason.
On the one hand I am disgusted. On the other I am over it.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
My Conclusion?
I have concluded today (whether correctly or incorrectly), that my husband just does not care about us.
When I spoke with him on tuesday I asked him to text us when he got to Atlanta. No text.
I had texted him yesterday as to whether our son had an appointment today. I did not hear back until around 1pm. By which time I had already confirmed the appointment was for TOMORROW. He did not know and said he would call if I wanted. I told him I already had. I then commented that I thought he was going to text us so we knew he got there safe.
No response as of yet and it is almost 10pm mountain time and midnight on the east coast.
I imagine he must be overwhelmingly busy. What with not working and having no children to worry about. Or five cats and a house to clean.
While he is so busy he cannot respond to a simple text, I will be leaving work early THREE times this week to get the kids to their therapy and psychiatrist appointments. So i work after they go to bed. Which means all I do is work. But he is the one who has "lost himself"?
Is it really that hard to text? Or that hard to actually think about us?
While he has not responded to us, I have gotten my daughter to and from therapy. Took the kids to the grocery store and to get a cookie at a bakery. I got them showered. I fed them dinner. Had discussions about Bio Mom. Bio Dad. Death. Skin color. Adoption. Past foster parents, that there will be no new parents, and then some. Put them to bed.
Doing nothing must sure be exhausting!!
When I spoke with him on tuesday I asked him to text us when he got to Atlanta. No text.
I had texted him yesterday as to whether our son had an appointment today. I did not hear back until around 1pm. By which time I had already confirmed the appointment was for TOMORROW. He did not know and said he would call if I wanted. I told him I already had. I then commented that I thought he was going to text us so we knew he got there safe.
No response as of yet and it is almost 10pm mountain time and midnight on the east coast.
I imagine he must be overwhelmingly busy. What with not working and having no children to worry about. Or five cats and a house to clean.
While he is so busy he cannot respond to a simple text, I will be leaving work early THREE times this week to get the kids to their therapy and psychiatrist appointments. So i work after they go to bed. Which means all I do is work. But he is the one who has "lost himself"?
Is it really that hard to text? Or that hard to actually think about us?
While he has not responded to us, I have gotten my daughter to and from therapy. Took the kids to the grocery store and to get a cookie at a bakery. I got them showered. I fed them dinner. Had discussions about Bio Mom. Bio Dad. Death. Skin color. Adoption. Past foster parents, that there will be no new parents, and then some. Put them to bed.
Doing nothing must sure be exhausting!!
Choosing To Have a Good Attitude....
I am not much of a fan of the cheesy self-help stuff...like "you can choose to be happy". Not everyone has a choice (brain chemistry may be off) and it is a lot easier to "choose" to be happy when everything is going well. When you partner of 17 years unexpectedly departs, leaving you with two emotionally needy children, a full time job that requires more than 40 hours a week, all the household bills and household responsibilities, well it is hard to feel like you have a choice in ANYTHING. I can choose what I want for breakfast, but that is about it. Everything else is dictated by either schedule (therapy, school, afterschool program, activities, oh and work) or money.
So while I sure cannot choose to be happy right now, I figure I will try to choose a good attitude. Hopefully I will role model this for my daughter, who chose a bad attitude this morning...throwing a bottle of shampoo and kicking the car door.
So I am choosing to laugh at the absurdity of my current situation. Because really, it is absurd. I did not accidently get pregnant. This was not an "oops" and my husband suddenly became a dad when the birth control failed. He actually had to WORK to get these kids. He had to fill out paperwork. Find references. Get the house ready. Go to training classes and interviews and meet with social workers. We bought a new house because we needed separate space for the cats in case our son could not handle being around the cats due to allergies. He made the effort through all of this. I did not prop him up and parade him around to these things. He was not threatened. I am half his size anyway. He could have said no. Instead he was an active participant in becoming a dad. And not just by having sex.
In my "good attitude mode" I know that as far as single parenting goes, I have it easy. Not because my kids are easy, but because I have been so independent anyway. I earn enough to support us. Maybe not in a high end lifestyle but we will keep our house and have food and clothes. I have always been in charge of the finances. I can clean. I do the yard work anyway. It is probably a good sign that the thing that concerns me the most is changing the light bulbs. I am 5 feet tall. I have a step stool but still can't reach the lights on the ceiling. And i have not changed a light bulb in my entire adult life. People laugh when I express this, but it is true. The light bulb thing is the unknown to me. How do I reach the light fixture? What wattage do I need? Are there different types of light bulbs? It seems overwhelming.
Today, I am choosing to roll my eyes and laugh. Even at my fear of changing light bulbs.
After all, it is funny that I can manage budgets at work and at home but changing a light bulb leaves me in a cold sweat.
So should a light bulb be close to going out, let it go out today. While I am having this positive attitude, perhaps I can overcome my fear? Plus I took the day off. So I can change the light bulb in peace.
So while I sure cannot choose to be happy right now, I figure I will try to choose a good attitude. Hopefully I will role model this for my daughter, who chose a bad attitude this morning...throwing a bottle of shampoo and kicking the car door.
So I am choosing to laugh at the absurdity of my current situation. Because really, it is absurd. I did not accidently get pregnant. This was not an "oops" and my husband suddenly became a dad when the birth control failed. He actually had to WORK to get these kids. He had to fill out paperwork. Find references. Get the house ready. Go to training classes and interviews and meet with social workers. We bought a new house because we needed separate space for the cats in case our son could not handle being around the cats due to allergies. He made the effort through all of this. I did not prop him up and parade him around to these things. He was not threatened. I am half his size anyway. He could have said no. Instead he was an active participant in becoming a dad. And not just by having sex.
In my "good attitude mode" I know that as far as single parenting goes, I have it easy. Not because my kids are easy, but because I have been so independent anyway. I earn enough to support us. Maybe not in a high end lifestyle but we will keep our house and have food and clothes. I have always been in charge of the finances. I can clean. I do the yard work anyway. It is probably a good sign that the thing that concerns me the most is changing the light bulbs. I am 5 feet tall. I have a step stool but still can't reach the lights on the ceiling. And i have not changed a light bulb in my entire adult life. People laugh when I express this, but it is true. The light bulb thing is the unknown to me. How do I reach the light fixture? What wattage do I need? Are there different types of light bulbs? It seems overwhelming.
Today, I am choosing to roll my eyes and laugh. Even at my fear of changing light bulbs.
After all, it is funny that I can manage budgets at work and at home but changing a light bulb leaves me in a cold sweat.
So should a light bulb be close to going out, let it go out today. While I am having this positive attitude, perhaps I can overcome my fear? Plus I took the day off. So I can change the light bulb in peace.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I Feel Pretty!
Well today I don't feel ugly, a result of wearing the sweater I purchased the day after I realized my husband was gone. A little retail therapy never hurts..
Last night, he sent an email to ask if I wanted him to call the kids. I said yes. When he called I took him into the other room and asked him why he does not even put a greeting in his email or text. Like, "Hi, how are you? Should I call the kids tonight?" Or (gasp!) "i miss you. Should I call the kids tonight?" Or, and this is way out on a limb "I love you. Should I call the kids tonight?"
He said that he does not know how I am feeling and thinks I may be angry so he does not know how I would take such pleasanties.
I told him that yeah, I am angry. But that does not give him permission to not be nice to me. (if anything, it gives me permission to be rude to him).
I have all of these things that I cannot help wondering...
Does he love me anymore? Does he even care about me? Is he going to come back? When would he come back if he comes back? Do I take him back?
My friend said he is so selfish he is only concerned with himself. Instead of thinking "jerk!" I am thinking "so then that means he must not love me?"
We all want to be loved. I am no exception. I want him to love me.
This sucks.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he took a side trip on his way to his dad's house. Must be nice to have the freedom to take five days to get 22 hours away. It costs me $10 an hour to go anywhere without a kid right now.
Last night, he sent an email to ask if I wanted him to call the kids. I said yes. When he called I took him into the other room and asked him why he does not even put a greeting in his email or text. Like, "Hi, how are you? Should I call the kids tonight?" Or (gasp!) "i miss you. Should I call the kids tonight?" Or, and this is way out on a limb "I love you. Should I call the kids tonight?"
He said that he does not know how I am feeling and thinks I may be angry so he does not know how I would take such pleasanties.
I told him that yeah, I am angry. But that does not give him permission to not be nice to me. (if anything, it gives me permission to be rude to him).
I have all of these things that I cannot help wondering...
Does he love me anymore? Does he even care about me? Is he going to come back? When would he come back if he comes back? Do I take him back?
My friend said he is so selfish he is only concerned with himself. Instead of thinking "jerk!" I am thinking "so then that means he must not love me?"
We all want to be loved. I am no exception. I want him to love me.
This sucks.
Oh, I forgot to mention, he took a side trip on his way to his dad's house. Must be nice to have the freedom to take five days to get 22 hours away. It costs me $10 an hour to go anywhere without a kid right now.
Wedding Rings
It is funny that throughout our marriage I have rarely worn a wedding ring. I was always afraid I would lose it. It never bothered me that we did not wear rings.
For some reason I now really want to wear the stupid ring even though it never mattered in the past.
I guess when you have confidence in your relationship a piece of jewelry does not matter much. But when you lose that confidence the symbol is all you have left.
For some reason I now really want to wear the stupid ring even though it never mattered in the past.
I guess when you have confidence in your relationship a piece of jewelry does not matter much. But when you lose that confidence the symbol is all you have left.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Ridiculous Thoughts of Today....
Here are the ridiculous thoughts I had today:
I wish I could hurry up and meet someone. I know I am in no way ready to do that. But meeting someone would be a great distraction from these emotions!
There are no good men out there in my age range (which I determined while thinking about this was between 32 and 42) that are single. The good ones are taken. A divorce was likely because the MAN was a jerk. So now he is free and available. So the only way I will find a partner that is a good guy is if he wife dies. How awful is that?
This fear is reinforced by the fact that i can only think of four single guys in my age range:
Man 1: Age 40. Unemployed, possible alcoholic with 2 DUI's
Man 2: Age 34: Ditched by his wife who was the jerk. Now has his parents watching his kid while he constantly parties.
Man 3: Age 36: An awful lot of quirks.
Man 4: Age 37: recently divorced under questionable circumstances
My friends don't seem to know anyone who is single in this age range so I don't think it is just me.
My hair is stringy and I am funny looking.
Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
I wish I could hurry up and meet someone. I know I am in no way ready to do that. But meeting someone would be a great distraction from these emotions!
There are no good men out there in my age range (which I determined while thinking about this was between 32 and 42) that are single. The good ones are taken. A divorce was likely because the MAN was a jerk. So now he is free and available. So the only way I will find a partner that is a good guy is if he wife dies. How awful is that?
This fear is reinforced by the fact that i can only think of four single guys in my age range:
Man 1: Age 40. Unemployed, possible alcoholic with 2 DUI's
Man 2: Age 34: Ditched by his wife who was the jerk. Now has his parents watching his kid while he constantly parties.
Man 3: Age 36: An awful lot of quirks.
Man 4: Age 37: recently divorced under questionable circumstances
My friends don't seem to know anyone who is single in this age range so I don't think it is just me.
My hair is stringy and I am funny looking.
Hoping for a better day tomorrow.
Lousy and Unfocused....
This describes how I feel. Just plain lousy. Last night I could not do anything that required me to sit and focus. I could not write, I could not read. I fell asleep on the couch at 10pm. Which for me is very early.
The therapist does not see much hope in my husband making the changes he needs to make. He told me this yesterday and even though I knew it anyway, hearing it out loud was like someone blew a hole in my heart.
I am not sure going to the therapist is good for me. It seems to make me feel worse.
I cannot stop being sad. I keep plugging along going through the motions. Sometimes I even get work done. I am getting a grant application in a week and a half early! But I feel like crap.
Is it horrible that I want my life back?
My kids are struggling which is fair. My daughter went to the nurse yesterday complaining of a stomach ache. Probably just wanted to know I was there. All evening she showed how concerned she was that I was going to disappear too. And she is afraid that I am going to die. My son is also worried about my disappearing. He said he is afraid that no one is going to care about him.
I am angry at my husband for bringing these feelings back up in my kids who finally seemed to be settling in. But the anger won't take over the sadness. I want to hate him. I want to feel rage. I want to at least want to get drunk or something.
The therapist says he believes that ultimately, without him things will be easier for me. While that may be true, I don't care. I still want him. I know I cannot take him back even if he wants to be back, at least right now.
I don't know that I have even begun to tap into my feelings about he and I. All I can focus on is my son and his desire for a dad. He wants a dad so badly that he misses his dad who paid him so little attention it is sad.
He would have spent the rest of his life trying to please him. He still may.
I feel defeated, though I know I shouldn't. I am not the one who gave up. I have my head held high. I am doing right by the kids. And the cats. I did not run away.
The therapist does not see much hope in my husband making the changes he needs to make. He told me this yesterday and even though I knew it anyway, hearing it out loud was like someone blew a hole in my heart.
I am not sure going to the therapist is good for me. It seems to make me feel worse.
I cannot stop being sad. I keep plugging along going through the motions. Sometimes I even get work done. I am getting a grant application in a week and a half early! But I feel like crap.
Is it horrible that I want my life back?
My kids are struggling which is fair. My daughter went to the nurse yesterday complaining of a stomach ache. Probably just wanted to know I was there. All evening she showed how concerned she was that I was going to disappear too. And she is afraid that I am going to die. My son is also worried about my disappearing. He said he is afraid that no one is going to care about him.
I am angry at my husband for bringing these feelings back up in my kids who finally seemed to be settling in. But the anger won't take over the sadness. I want to hate him. I want to feel rage. I want to at least want to get drunk or something.
The therapist says he believes that ultimately, without him things will be easier for me. While that may be true, I don't care. I still want him. I know I cannot take him back even if he wants to be back, at least right now.
I don't know that I have even begun to tap into my feelings about he and I. All I can focus on is my son and his desire for a dad. He wants a dad so badly that he misses his dad who paid him so little attention it is sad.
He would have spent the rest of his life trying to please him. He still may.
I feel defeated, though I know I shouldn't. I am not the one who gave up. I have my head held high. I am doing right by the kids. And the cats. I did not run away.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
More About Anger....
Yesterday (saturday) morning I was angry. I knew that my husband was off on his road trip and that made me mad. I envisioned him enjoying the freedom of the open road, something I am clearly not going to experience for awhile, and I was seething. I want a road trip too. Why does he get to do this while I am left with the weight of all of this responsibility? It will not surprise me if I don't get a night to myself of a little over 12 more years. And he is on a road trip??
I got angry again today while taking my son to BMX bike riding, something he does on sundays. We are friends with another family who actually introduced us to BMX and who were there. Their little boy is a year older than my son and the father is very involved. Today he actually road the BMX track with his son. Why can't my husband do that?? Which led me to "why can't my husband just be present?"
My poor little boy wants a dad more than anything which makes this almost seem like a cruel twist of fate. I am a good mom. But I am never going to be able to give him what he really wants...a good dad. That is up to his father, who has a lot of work to do. And who has to be willing to do it.
I got angry again today while taking my son to BMX bike riding, something he does on sundays. We are friends with another family who actually introduced us to BMX and who were there. Their little boy is a year older than my son and the father is very involved. Today he actually road the BMX track with his son. Why can't my husband do that?? Which led me to "why can't my husband just be present?"
My poor little boy wants a dad more than anything which makes this almost seem like a cruel twist of fate. I am a good mom. But I am never going to be able to give him what he really wants...a good dad. That is up to his father, who has a lot of work to do. And who has to be willing to do it.
Uncle Michael Time!
We had a great weekend with my brother, which made it hard to see him leave. I am amazed at how much we packed into 48 hours. He took the kids to Target to pick a toy and for my son to spend his allowance...he made a great dinner of salmon, mashed potatoes and asparagus...and the kids got to help! He also showed me how to make chicken cutlets without touching the chicken (I am a vegetarian and chicken is icky to me)...we went to the park and to putt putt and we took down the christmas tree...he helped the kids with homework and played board games. He taught my son how to make scrambled eggs. We went to Home Depot for the monthly free craft event.
My brother is clearly a great dad. Which made the visit difficult in a way. He is the exact opposite of my husband and it was a stark reminder of what I did not have. He likes his kids! He called home three times a day. Talked to the kids to tell them good night. Talked to them to tell them good morning. Checked in with his wife..You name it he did it. While my husband just up and left. My brother also makes good money and can afford the things that I cannot...like a casin and nitrate free diet. Which who am I kidding, I would not have time to figure out even if I had the money. While my daughter screamed out the F word yesterday (a result of either my husband or participating in the after school program) his 5 year old is sheltered with her stay at home mom. In light of my current circumstances, I felt like my brother and I could be an educational tool for college students....get that career right out of college and choose that stable partner and THIS (my brother's) can be your life! Choose to not work for the man and find a moody partner and you too can be a single parent!! Of course I know it is not that simple. But that does not make it easy.
I think I am in for a long haul emotionally.
My brother is clearly a great dad. Which made the visit difficult in a way. He is the exact opposite of my husband and it was a stark reminder of what I did not have. He likes his kids! He called home three times a day. Talked to the kids to tell them good night. Talked to them to tell them good morning. Checked in with his wife..You name it he did it. While my husband just up and left. My brother also makes good money and can afford the things that I cannot...like a casin and nitrate free diet. Which who am I kidding, I would not have time to figure out even if I had the money. While my daughter screamed out the F word yesterday (a result of either my husband or participating in the after school program) his 5 year old is sheltered with her stay at home mom. In light of my current circumstances, I felt like my brother and I could be an educational tool for college students....get that career right out of college and choose that stable partner and THIS (my brother's) can be your life! Choose to not work for the man and find a moody partner and you too can be a single parent!! Of course I know it is not that simple. But that does not make it easy.
I think I am in for a long haul emotionally.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Saying Goodbye...
Last night (or should I say early this morning), I spoke again with my husband. I spoke very bluntly to him, but without emotion.
I let him know that I don't think what he is doing is going to fix anything. I reiterated that he needed therapy. He needed medication. I continued to try to get some sort of concrete plan out of him.
The best I could get is that he is going to "decompress" for a few weeks, which I think means do nothing.
After that he will check on the job situation. I point out that finding a job that he is interested in (and I mean actually obtaining the job) could take months. He acknowledged this to be true.
I think it would be a lot easier if he could say something simple, like "I am really going to miss you" or "I am going to do everything I can to feel better so I can come home" or "I love being married to you and want to make this work" or just "I want to make this work".
But I got nothing.
I did not cry. I told him I would text him the time and details and he could come say goodbye to the kids.
After hanging up, I get a good idea. This morning, upon getting to work, I text him my idea: purchase a tablet or IPad for the kids and show them how to get Skype or FaceTime so they know they will be able to see you when they talk to you. Try and make this fun. I let him know I would tell the kids first so they did not think he was home for good when they see him.
I was not sure he would go for the tablet thing...I figured he would complain about spending the money. But since he feels (apparently) financially comfortable doing all of this, I feel it is fair to expect him to do something nice for the kids.
I let him know we can meet around 4ish. I don't hear from him until almost 4, when he explains he is trying to get the ipad together. We choose to meet at 4:30 at the park near our house.
Once we get to the park in the car, I have my brother exit the car and speak with the kids privately. I explain that daddy has been missing his dad in Atlanta and knows there is work there he can do that might help him like himself more. So he is going to go stay with his dad and do this work. It was hard to tell them, but I did okay. My daughter immediately burst into tears. My son told her not to cry; that mommy was more fun anyway.
I sent my brother to the coffee shop and my husband arrived. Awkward. My daughter showed off for him on the monkey bars and my son initially avoided him. He showed me the ipad (not set up have to figure that out) and we showed the kids. I got teary as I told him I hoped I was wrong and that this would work.
He asked about the cats. He said the kids looked good. There really was not a lot to say. I gave him two big strong hugs. He promised to talk to the kids on sundays and wednesdays and let me know when he arrived in Atlanta.
And then he left. I watched him walk to the car while trying to keep an eye on the kids. Not really clear on what was going through my head. I think I am numb.
Kids had a good night until bedtime for my son. Not a surprise considering all going on. He is now suddenly missing Birth mom again. And telling me he is not really a part of the family, etc. I know he wants attention so I sit with him.
He is leaving tomorrow.
I repeat, I hope I am wrong.
I let him know that I don't think what he is doing is going to fix anything. I reiterated that he needed therapy. He needed medication. I continued to try to get some sort of concrete plan out of him.
The best I could get is that he is going to "decompress" for a few weeks, which I think means do nothing.
After that he will check on the job situation. I point out that finding a job that he is interested in (and I mean actually obtaining the job) could take months. He acknowledged this to be true.
I think it would be a lot easier if he could say something simple, like "I am really going to miss you" or "I am going to do everything I can to feel better so I can come home" or "I love being married to you and want to make this work" or just "I want to make this work".
But I got nothing.
I did not cry. I told him I would text him the time and details and he could come say goodbye to the kids.
After hanging up, I get a good idea. This morning, upon getting to work, I text him my idea: purchase a tablet or IPad for the kids and show them how to get Skype or FaceTime so they know they will be able to see you when they talk to you. Try and make this fun. I let him know I would tell the kids first so they did not think he was home for good when they see him.
I was not sure he would go for the tablet thing...I figured he would complain about spending the money. But since he feels (apparently) financially comfortable doing all of this, I feel it is fair to expect him to do something nice for the kids.
I let him know we can meet around 4ish. I don't hear from him until almost 4, when he explains he is trying to get the ipad together. We choose to meet at 4:30 at the park near our house.
Once we get to the park in the car, I have my brother exit the car and speak with the kids privately. I explain that daddy has been missing his dad in Atlanta and knows there is work there he can do that might help him like himself more. So he is going to go stay with his dad and do this work. It was hard to tell them, but I did okay. My daughter immediately burst into tears. My son told her not to cry; that mommy was more fun anyway.
I sent my brother to the coffee shop and my husband arrived. Awkward. My daughter showed off for him on the monkey bars and my son initially avoided him. He showed me the ipad (not set up have to figure that out) and we showed the kids. I got teary as I told him I hoped I was wrong and that this would work.
He asked about the cats. He said the kids looked good. There really was not a lot to say. I gave him two big strong hugs. He promised to talk to the kids on sundays and wednesdays and let me know when he arrived in Atlanta.
And then he left. I watched him walk to the car while trying to keep an eye on the kids. Not really clear on what was going through my head. I think I am numb.
Kids had a good night until bedtime for my son. Not a surprise considering all going on. He is now suddenly missing Birth mom again. And telling me he is not really a part of the family, etc. I know he wants attention so I sit with him.
He is leaving tomorrow.
I repeat, I hope I am wrong.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)