With Whom Does The Responsibility Lie?

Ahh. Lovely conversation with my husband last night. Yes, that is sarcasm you hear.

I had texted him earlier to see if he could FACETIME tonight because the kids wanted to see him. He did not text back for some hours. He said he could FACETIME. I told him I was out while the kids were with the babysitter and should I call him when I got home. He wrote back that I should and "what time could he expect the call?"

This irritated me, because he has zero responsibilities currently. But he needs a call time so he can plan...?

So I did not respond. A little more than an hour later I get home and the kids and I call.

No answer!

I text him to let him know we called. I hear nothing for almost 40 minutes. I text him again to say thank you for showing how important we are. Within minutes the phone rings.

It is him. He says he is sorry that he did not answer. He said he had gone to the bathroom.

For 40 minutes?

Should I be surprised?

This led to more conversation. I expressed that I was not real enthusiastic about how he answered the questions I had emailed. I pointed out that not once did he say he want to be a part of the family and would do anything possible to be a part of it again. He seemed to think he was doing (or planning to do) everything he needed to do to be in the family yet had seen no reason to express that he wanted to be back. Huh.

I asked where he saw things in a year and he said that he hoped things were better with his ability to handle the kids. He hoped he was able to start "reintegrating" with the family.

He also talked about wanting to work a job in another state or country and how important this was to him. He told me that I had said that was okay before we got the kids. I said yes, I had, however, the rules have changed since he just up and disappeared. I am no longer feeling so generous. I was always trying to keep him happy. I guess I was afraid he would leave. But then he left and I am okay. The world did not end. When we had talked about this in the past I had said that if it made sense we would all go or we would stay here while he went. Clearly I am not following him ANYWHERE at this point.

He said he did not think I was ever really open to his doing this. But he felt if he did not work out of state and/or get a PHD somewhere else he would never be satisfied.I told him that was not true. I would not have been thrilled but we would have made it work.

Is it wrong of me that I want him to actually WANT to make an effort to be a part of our family? To not be coming back while at the same time making plans on when he will again leave?

The last year was miserable. I learned all of the things I did not have in my partner. After having six weeks to see I am okay without the partner and have hope of one day being a part of a real partnership, I am not real enthusiastic about what he is telling me.

He kept going back to the fact that he had "lost it" like that somehow absolved him of responsibility for just suddenly leaving. It doesn't.

I finally get up the nerve to tell him I am strongly considering a legal separation.

He says something like "if that is what you think you need". As if that somehow makes me weak.

But the whole conversation, I did not cry. Did not cry when we hung up.

I feel guilty. I think because my desires changed. I have changed the rules of our relationship but wanting more out of him. Is this fair? Do I have to stick this out because I made the commitment?

I think I am tired of him.