Camping

Well we did indeed go camping. There were many good things about the camping trip and then there were many emotions, which were not so good.

I will start with the positive:

The kids slept in the tent and seemed to actually like it. I was afraid they would be afraid to be in the dark, but they did fine.

My son learned how to whittle with a pocket knife and also used a saw. Which was initially scary but he did great.

My daughter had minimal fits.

The kids got along great. My friend's son is so much like my son it is almost a relief.

I set the tent up.

The scenery was beautiful and the weather was good.

The kids had fun and said they will do it again : )

On to the emotions:

I was fine until packing up. Our friends had to leave early in the morning and so when we woke up they were gone. It probably would have been easier emotionally had there been the activity of others packing up. As I was getting things packed I was overcome with emotions. I have never broken down camp by myself. i have always done it with my husband. I never camped before we were married and the majority of my trips have included him. Aside from it being a lot of work (and young children being no help), I just felt so alone. I felt so sad with it just being me and the kids. Not even so sure it is my husband I was pining over...just having a partner more than anything.

My friend, who remember is my sometimes crush (because I go back and forth on this), just seemed sort of sad. This made me sad for two reasons....sad for him, because I genuinely care about him and I want to see him in a good place. He is a great person. And also sad because I cannot help but think "I don't want to be that sad two years from now". He went through his own divorce. Having the result staring you in the face is rough. I know he longs for the family he had. How could he not. Certainly there are single people raising children that made the choice to be a parent as a single person. Neither he, nor I, are in that boat. Of course he wants his wife and his kids with him in the same house. How DO you ever get over that? Particularly when you are the one who has not necessarily moved on? His ex has a partner who she lives with.

He said he had been feeling down because he is realizing he is getting older and feeling aches and pains. I am not sure of his age but am guessing he is nearing 50. I think he is in great shape and he probably is...I imagine I will be in the same boat. When you are used to going out and running 10 miles like it is nothing, when you suddenly can't it hurts. Eventually we all slow down. I am not looking forward to it either.

I kind of chuckle as I think this...but when I do start looking to date I think I am going to avoid men anywhere near a decade change.

Another emotional thing is due to the fact that I am obviously not at my best as far as confidence/self esteem. I need positive reinforcement more than I usually would.  In fairness to me, the only consistent "love" i get currently is from one of my five cats. My sweet Briscoe, a dark gray medium haired cat, who typically preferred my husband, has been very in tune with my moods. Today, when I was struggling most, it was Briscoe who climbed onto my chest and massaged me before taking a nap. He is now kneading my belly. After the departure of my husband, my son has been impossible, my daughter moody, my best friend caught up in new baby world, etc...so yes, my confidence is not at its peak. Which means that making new friends is scary. I question everything. I fear rejection more than I usually would. And making friends has never been easy for me anyway. I tend to not invite you until I am SURE you will say yes. This being the case, I am driving myself crazy over how things went on this camping trip. Does my new friend want to be my friend? Did it go well? Does he never want to hang out with me again. I am sure the off and on crush is not helping. But I would have similar concerns if it was someone I had no romantic interest in. Right now, I want to be liked. There were a lot of times when we did not talk. Was that a problem? It is hard with four kids running around. Hard to get into a conversation and continue it and about halfway through I kind of stopped trying. Just relaxed. He also seemed so down. My logical self knows that likely had nothing to do with me. But I am not my logical self all of the time these days.

I am trying to focus on the positive. The kids enjoyed camping. They want to camp more. I got things ready. I got us there. I got us back. I have other friends that camp. So despite the fact that I won't take them by myself I don't really need to worry if this friend does not ever want to camp with us again.

It is funny how I can vascillate between strength and weakness throughout the day. Right now I feel strong. At around noon today, I probably would have taken my husband back.

I spoke with him tonight. He is about halfway to our city.

Let the drama develop...