Decisions

I am going to step back a few days to Tuesday, March 5th. In my last post I commented that it was an emotional day.

Around 5:30 I noticed an email from my husband. It was a response to the email I had sent to him on sunday night. As is typically the case, it had a lot of words but did not say much.

One part said he was working to better himself. Another part said that he had always loved the "ride" of our relationship and missed the ride. And that he knows it will not be the same but he is trying to improve who he is.

Huh.

I personally read that as he knows that this is not going to work but is afraid to say the words. He writes in all of this flowery language but does not say anything of substance. My co-worker, Andy, has said he is superficial. I am starting to think Andy is right.

I read this email he had sent over and over, trying to figure out what to make of it. He called at 7:15 for the kids. Before I put the kids on I figured we had better talk.

I ask him what he has been thinking. Has anything changed?

He says that he is now planning to come back to Albuquerque and rent a room in a house down by the University. Then he can work on himself, help with kid appointments, try to handle them on a small level. He says he is thinking he will do this in 2-3 weeks. I think it is good he is going to try and see the kids and I tell him that. Of course I am curious as to how he sees the future. I ask him what he sees happening a year from now.

He said he see himself working on himself and being better able to spend time with the kids. Sort of vague. Working on ourself is kind of a lifelong activity anyway. But does he think he will live in the house a year from now? Will we be married maintaining separate residences for years until the kids grow up?

Yuck.

I don't want that. I want a real partner.

I appreciate that if my husband and I don't remain together that there are no guarantees I will find that partner. Kind of a long shot really. But then, if he is living in his own place, seeing the kids once a week, is that really any different than me being divorced? Why would I hold on for that?

I do love him. I would not say I am in love at this point. Being with him is comfortable. It is safe. It is what I know. I care about him. I want him to be happy.

I want to be happy too. He is not making me happy. These circumstances are making me miserable. So i hang out a year wondering if he can work hard enough to achieve being an adequate father and adequate husband?

Which he has proven over the last year that he cannot.

How much time do I give?

I fantasize about getting a legal separation, which would at least give me some emotional closure, some control, and say to my husband that I am serious.

I can do this, as long as I don't think too much. If I think too much, I become paralyzed by the sadness of this. I envisioned growing old with this man. I am no longer envisioning that. I know that is not realistic.

And that makes me want to cry.