Well I lost it today. Pretty much all day. From the morning, when I read an email from a friend. To when I got in the car and cried over a song. To the office. Over and over. Finally, I lost it when after picking up my kids and bringing them home they were arguing over tv and my son threw his soccer ball and bounced it off my daughters head. After screaming rather loudly at him, I made him sit at the kitchen table and I went and sat on the couch. The tears just kept coming down my face. I cried and I sobbed. I don't usually cry in front of the kids but I seriously was falling apart.
I texted a friend who said she was heading over. I am so lucky to have a few good friends. She talked me through my feelings and I am feeling somewhat less horrible. I got the kids in bed and am sitting on the couch with one of my cats curled up to me. It is actually the mean cat : ) Last night, while I was sobbing, I had her and her brother Briscoe next to me. Thank goodness for the cats. They are very good to me.
I am going to try and sort through my feelings.
Why was I crying? Or why have I been crying?
First off, the radio kills me. I probably should not be listening to the XM station that plays all of the songs from the 90's that remind me of the better times in our relationship.
I seem to know that the right thing to do is to stay strong and not accept this man back. Not that he has asked to come back. Though I think his thought is that he will work on being "better" and then when he is "better enough" he can move home. This is a guess because he is not expressing much. I am filing for legal separation. He needs to know that if we were to ever be together he is going to have to start over and show me he is what I want. When I have good perspective, I tell myself that in ten years I am going to look at this time and go "thank goodness. I got a get out of jail free card". I know this is true. But the day to day is rough. Having to deal with behaviorally challenged kids on your own is exhausting. And that is before I even deal with my feelings about a 17 year relationship. Or about my husband just up and leaving like he did. Doing what you know is the right thing is not always easy. So more crying.
A lot of my crying is because of stress. And part of what is making me stressed is the guilt I feel in wanting this done with. Is that what is best for the kids? Do I owe my husband something more after 17 years?
The kids want him so badly. They don't realize he is not a good dad. Or husband.
And with him coming back to town, I have to figure out how to tell them that they will see daddy but he will not live at home. That should be fun.
My son is wearing me out. He is so unpleasant. He does not listen. He fights and fights. He is very disrespectful. I yearn for a child that gives me strength to get through this type of thing. That is not my son. I love my son so much. I get that he is hurting. But I don''t know how to help him and so it seems like this will never change. That he will be angry and defiant for years to come. That is depressing and stressful.
I talk to my friend (the crush I don't want to have) and he tells me about his son and his challenges with their divorce. And this is a kid with an otherwise stable background. I am in for it if his kid is struggling.
I am sure a kid with RAD (which is unfortunately where it appears we are headed) will make me very popular with single men if i ever decide to try and date.
The crush that I don't want to have also adds stress. I wonder if he could ever like me. Not that I can actually date him now anyway. So why bother wondering? I just do. Blah.
The house is a mess and I cannot get of the couch to clean it.
On a positive note, I ran 4 miles in 32 minutes and 6 seconds. I think that is my fastest.
This stress is definitely helping my running.
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