How To Attract A Man (According to My Mother)

Had an interesting conversation with a friend on friday. It brought me to tears (first in a whole week though), but made me think.

I was commenting to my friend about my Crush. I told her that on paper, there was no reason why this guy would not be interested but that in my mind I have a hard time seeing it. I keep thinking "he would never go for me". I have no good reason to think this. If anything, the reasons would be positive ones...he might be intimidated by me, as I have a higher level of education. I am a supervisor and he is not a supervisor. My friend focused on the physical.

"How do you feel about yourself?" she asked.

"Well, I like myself", I told her. "I think I am a good person."

I admitted though, having some fears of being able to attract men.

Not emotionally, but physically.

I learned as a kid that "you need to wear makeup to meet men" and "you need to stay thin to get a man" and "you need to do your hair to get a man". This was mainly my mother talking. Grandpa and Dad did not help.

My mom pushed me to join a sorority where this impression was further imprinted in my mind. Despite an all out rebellion in my 20's, I have it in my head that I need to look a certain way to attract men.

I am not interested in looking this certain way. Or in spending all of the time to look this certain way.

I will therefore, not attract men.

It is sort of like those math problems...

This "logic" is perpetuated by my boss and her comments about how "I will see how good I feel once I take care of my physical self". Huh. Reminder...I feel fine about me.

See, I know my boss is wrong. My mother is wrong. The sorority sisters are wrong.

I know that Hiking Man, whoever and wherever he is, will like me because I am ME. He will appreciate that I would rather hike than primp.

My friend was concerned with my self-confidence. She was concerned I went to far in the other direction in my rebellion against my education on attracting men. She said I should try painting my nails. That I could find it "fun". She wanted to get haircuts. And make up. She wants me to "feel good about me".

Working through all of this with her, I am crying. My husband has not been much for sex in some time and he never said things like "wow you are beautiful" or "you have a great body". You combine my upbringing and the comments of current folks in my life and there is no wonder I am concerned I won't get a second glance.

I go home and think about this. But I realize that it is not that I find myself unattractive. I think I look physically good...not just for a woman at 37 but in general. I am in good shape. I can run miles and hike miles and bike miles. I know I can use a haircut. Sure I could smooth out blemishes. But the overall impression is definitely positive.

I realize that the feeling that my Crush won't be into me is more about my desire to not get hurt. It is scary to put oneself out there, particularly after many years. I am smartly telling myself he will not like me so I am not let down if he doesn't. I know this is a silly crush but this could be another crush a year from now or a serious relationship two years from now...it is good I am recognizing this feeling so I don't continue to go through the same response to the idea of dating someone.

When my time of the month arrived today, I figured the crying must have been hormonal. After a hike last night I looked in the mirror and realized I look darn good after physical activity.

My Crush may not ever show interest. But there are many reasons why he might not...top being that I am not even really available.

Got to love insight. The reality is, if I have two free hours, no kids, no work, I am going on a hike. Not to get a haircut. Or buy makeup.

But the right man, the man I want, will appreciate that.