The Email

My husband sent an email sunday night. I read it a dozen times. I emailed it to a friend for review. I read it out loud to the therapist today.

After all of that I have concluded that the email said nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was very well written. Clear, concise. But nothing new in there.

He seems to want to talk...I guess about what feelings came up through the counseling and meditation at the weekend retreat in the mountains in attended. I bet that was nice to have a quiet weekend in the mountains.

I am not real enthusiastic about talking to him. I am really tired of all of this. I know I need to be strong and tell him "No. I am done".

But saying that is hard. And it really sucks.

Do I want him? I keep saying I don't want him. Perhaps it is less about wanting him or not wanting him and more about being done. I am tired.

Being alone is hard. Handling the kids difficult behaviors by myself is hard. Not having time to myself is also hard.

But dealing with him was hard too.

His disinterest in being a part of our family was hard. It hurt. His unwillingness to really try was hard. And that hurt too.

I am responsible for these two children but I am not responsible for him. He is a 40 year old man.

A week or two ago I felt like it was either things work out with him or I am alone forever and I don't want to be alone forever.

Now I am thinking being alone forever is not as bad as the last year. And maybe, I would not have to be alone forever...maybe there is someone else who would like to embark on the next chapter of their life with me.

I know I cannot make the decision based on the possibility of ending up with anyone else.

Would it be easier if he just told me HE was done? Probably. It would mean I did not have to feel guilty.

We will see what he has to say.