Tears

Tonight the kids talked to my husband on Facetime. I got the stupid idea to ask if we could talk later. I had decided I wanted an update.

An update is reasonable of course. The man had said he would be coming back at the end of the month. Which is all of 13 days away. Factor in a two to three day drive and with only 10 or 11 days one could expect he had a plan.

Ha!

Apparently he has been "communicating" with folks renting rooms. He has seen some photos. Has a few "possibilities". So he is really no further ahead than he was before. He says he wants to make sure he finds the right place, in a decent neighborhood. He thinks the college student roommate is the most ideal option. Hmmm.

Not to worry, he says. He can always stay in a place that rents rooms by the week. Yes, this is the same man who insists he does not want to rent a studio apartment because they don't seem to be in nice areas.

I comment on the lack of detail. He comes back with not knowing what it is I want to know. I ask him about work. Turns out he has been on a "leave of absence" the last few weeks and has not been getting paid. Might have been nice to know that too. I had inferred that was the case, but is it a stretch to think he would have expressed that verbally? I guess so. He said that "he told me that work was keeping his job for him". Ahh. All that detail.

It was a depressing conversation. Me asking questions he did not want to answer. I felt pretty darn depressed when I hung up.

I think there is a part of me that harbors the hope that he will one day express that he cares. Express that he really does want to be my partner. And ask "how can i make this up to you". But he doesn't. I know in the long run that is probably for the best. But that does not help how I feel today.

I feel lousy. I feel disappointed. I feel sad. I feel rejected. I felt like such a "bad ass" last week and now I just keep getting teary. My daughter probably senses stuff in her sleep and she just came out to cuddle with me on the couch. At 11:40 at night.

I feel ridiculous that I am disappointed. Seriously, what did I expect?

So I emailed the lawyer. I emailed my list of assets and debts. I emailed my custody arrangement and holiday sharing. I told her I would bring the check tomorrow.

I don't even know how to express what I am feeling. I could probably let this drag on forever. I know I shouldn't. I know I am worth more than the way this man treats me and so are my kids.

Getting the separation started is right. I know that. But it hurts and it is hard. In life, we don't typically take the path that feels like it hurts the most.

Making this choice, getting the ball rolling on the legal stuff....knowing I will probably continue to love this man. Even though he has not earned it.

It just sucks.