Today was a rough day. Not really much to do with my husband, who according to our last conversation is planning to arrive here in less than a week to move into a house with a couple who are renting out an extra room. Nah. I am handling that stuff pretty darn well.
Yesterday I went to the park and met up with the friend from work who I have decided to focus on being friends with and not have a crush on. He brought his kids and I had brought mine. This guy really is an amazing dad. You could just see the way he played with his kids and how they wanted to spend time with him. Funny, my struggle is not even in the fact that I don't have that.
My struggle, today, it seems, is with the fact that unlike his well adjusted, attached kids, my children are not a source of comfort during a difficult time. My kids are all chaos. No unconditional love. No "your the best mommy ever". Unless my son is at his worst and then my daughter tells me how much she loves me out of fear that I am going to send her away.
Right now, I feel like I am floating all alone in the middle of a rough ocean. Right now I feel so hurt and so tired. I want to be a parent like my friend is a parent. It looks like so much fun. Even without a partner. What I have is not fun. It is not pretty. Tears are streaming down my face and my sole source of comfort is my sweet gray cat, who came over at the sound of my cries.
A few minutes ago I made the mistake of checking facebook and there was a picture of my friend with her baby posted by her husband and it is a reminder of what I don't have. Forget the man. I am able to get myself through that. But I want emotionally healthy or healthier at least kids who like me. Who are not fighting me out of fear that I will leave them. Who don't say things (after lying about using the bathroom and literally climbing the walls at Dunkin Donuts) like "just get rid of me". Which to the kid seems like a feasible option, because it seems to have happened before.
My friends do not understand this. They say oh, kids make it through break ups all the time. Or the kids are just testing you. Yet no one has introduced me to another friend who adopted older children and had her husband or his wife up and leave. It is, I believe, different than a break up where you have well adjusted, emotionally happy kids.
Kids that want to play with YOU on the playground. Like my friend's kids.
While they were all about their daddy, my son was running around inserting himself in other father/son situations. On the surface you can think "he must want to throw the football". But I am capable of throwing the football. But I am also trying to keep up with my daughter.
I am going to be blunt. Today just sucks.
I want you to know you are not alone in the feelings about your children. I have 4 bio boys, and we adopted a little girl at the age of 4. I think we adopted about the same time. My mom died when I was only 24. I had an amazing relationship with her! I wanted a little girl so much to have that same relationship. I hurt so much when I see "normal" little girls and their mom's interact. I hurt so much when I look at my little girl and think she is nothing like what I long for. I hurt so much when at every turn she is challenging me. She is defiant, disobeys ALL the time, cognitively has not clue how to have a conversation. Is so completely lost on how love works and relationships work. Will go snuggle in a complete strangers lap and only sit in mine for 2 minutes before she has to get up and do something else. It is hard! It is REALLY hard! My comfort comes in knowing that God brought her to us. God asked us to love her, care for her, be her mom and dad. My comfort comes in knowing Jesus came to love us, care for us, show us the right way to live and then had to do the really hard thing and die for us. His life was much harder than my life will EVER be. I look to Him to give me the strength and a lot of times to give me the love I need to love the little girl he placed with me. It is HARD! I am not going to lie. It is hard. So hard at times I want to give up. Then I think about Jesus dying for me and how he didn't give up on me and I know I can't give up. I plug along day after day knowing that I am the best mom for her. You are the best mom for these kids. You don't give up. You struggle onward even when you don't want to. You have determination and that is exactly what these kids need. You have strength and that is what pulls you through. Keep looking as you do so often for the good things. I have to work hard and not wishing I had it like what I see around me. In reality I have it pretty good if I just keep looking at the good and looking at Jesus and the sacrifices he made for me. I can then know I can do it for them. Hugs, I completely understand the feeling about your kiddos! I also understand the feeling of loss. It wasn't my husband, but it was my mom and that hurts too. Keep looking to Jesus because he is the one who can give you the strength. One day at a time. Ann
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