Acceptance?

Today was a very emotional day. Part of it was probably due to my son's meltdown last night. It was overwhelming and frustrating and I am reminded again that it is all me at this point.

I think another part may be that I keep checking my email thinking he is going to respond to the email I had sent to respond to what he sent on sunday. Of course he does not. So it is like I keep setting myself up for disappointment. I seem to do better if I don't hear from him or don't expect to hear from him.

The reality is that I know it is better for all of us to move on. To not try to work on things. To officially cut ties. But knowing and articulating that does not make it any easier. I talk a good talk but when it comes down to it I want to crawl into bed and cry like a baby. What happened to us? We were good together once, weren't we? And then I question even that. Maybe we were never a good fit. Or we were a good fit for the wrong reasons. Two angry kids who were mad at the world and required little of each other. Then I grew up and wanted more. He is still that kid.

I have to stop myself from thinking like that or it will drive me nuts. It does not matter if we were ever a good fit. What matters is we spent 17 years together regardless. Almost half of my life and nearly my entire adult life. When I am able to be pragmatic, I think that I may as well move on now before it is 25 years of my life. When I am not able to be pragmatic, I just feel really really sad.

This just really sucks.