Well we did indeed go camping. There were many good things about the camping trip and then there were many emotions, which were not so good.
I will start with the positive:
The kids slept in the tent and seemed to actually like it. I was afraid they would be afraid to be in the dark, but they did fine.
My son learned how to whittle with a pocket knife and also used a saw. Which was initially scary but he did great.
My daughter had minimal fits.
The kids got along great. My friend's son is so much like my son it is almost a relief.
I set the tent up.
The scenery was beautiful and the weather was good.
The kids had fun and said they will do it again : )
On to the emotions:
I was fine until packing up. Our friends had to leave early in the morning and so when we woke up they were gone. It probably would have been easier emotionally had there been the activity of others packing up. As I was getting things packed I was overcome with emotions. I have never broken down camp by myself. i have always done it with my husband. I never camped before we were married and the majority of my trips have included him. Aside from it being a lot of work (and young children being no help), I just felt so alone. I felt so sad with it just being me and the kids. Not even so sure it is my husband I was pining over...just having a partner more than anything.
My friend, who remember is my sometimes crush (because I go back and forth on this), just seemed sort of sad. This made me sad for two reasons....sad for him, because I genuinely care about him and I want to see him in a good place. He is a great person. And also sad because I cannot help but think "I don't want to be that sad two years from now". He went through his own divorce. Having the result staring you in the face is rough. I know he longs for the family he had. How could he not. Certainly there are single people raising children that made the choice to be a parent as a single person. Neither he, nor I, are in that boat. Of course he wants his wife and his kids with him in the same house. How DO you ever get over that? Particularly when you are the one who has not necessarily moved on? His ex has a partner who she lives with.
He said he had been feeling down because he is realizing he is getting older and feeling aches and pains. I am not sure of his age but am guessing he is nearing 50. I think he is in great shape and he probably is...I imagine I will be in the same boat. When you are used to going out and running 10 miles like it is nothing, when you suddenly can't it hurts. Eventually we all slow down. I am not looking forward to it either.
I kind of chuckle as I think this...but when I do start looking to date I think I am going to avoid men anywhere near a decade change.
Another emotional thing is due to the fact that I am obviously not at my best as far as confidence/self esteem. I need positive reinforcement more than I usually would. In fairness to me, the only consistent "love" i get currently is from one of my five cats. My sweet Briscoe, a dark gray medium haired cat, who typically preferred my husband, has been very in tune with my moods. Today, when I was struggling most, it was Briscoe who climbed onto my chest and massaged me before taking a nap. He is now kneading my belly. After the departure of my husband, my son has been impossible, my daughter moody, my best friend caught up in new baby world, etc...so yes, my confidence is not at its peak. Which means that making new friends is scary. I question everything. I fear rejection more than I usually would. And making friends has never been easy for me anyway. I tend to not invite you until I am SURE you will say yes. This being the case, I am driving myself crazy over how things went on this camping trip. Does my new friend want to be my friend? Did it go well? Does he never want to hang out with me again. I am sure the off and on crush is not helping. But I would have similar concerns if it was someone I had no romantic interest in. Right now, I want to be liked. There were a lot of times when we did not talk. Was that a problem? It is hard with four kids running around. Hard to get into a conversation and continue it and about halfway through I kind of stopped trying. Just relaxed. He also seemed so down. My logical self knows that likely had nothing to do with me. But I am not my logical self all of the time these days.
I am trying to focus on the positive. The kids enjoyed camping. They want to camp more. I got things ready. I got us there. I got us back. I have other friends that camp. So despite the fact that I won't take them by myself I don't really need to worry if this friend does not ever want to camp with us again.
It is funny how I can vascillate between strength and weakness throughout the day. Right now I feel strong. At around noon today, I probably would have taken my husband back.
I spoke with him tonight. He is about halfway to our city.
Let the drama develop...
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Division of Labor
I am preparing for a possible camping trip. Regardless of whether we actually go, it has been a good experience.
We have camped many times. Never have I been the one to get everything together. So I was not real clear on where things were.
After an hour in the garage, I think I have the big stuff. There are some things I wish I had that we can go without.
In all of our camping trips, I have never been responsible for putting up the tent. So tonight, I put it up in the living room. To make sure that I could.
It is funny the way the division of labor works in a marriage.
There are so many things I have never done before because I did not have to. Turns out I can indeed do these things. Like setting up my iphone. Or figuring out how to set up FaceTime. Or finding the camping stuff. Or setting up the tent.
I have a lot of skills. Turns out I am developing even more.
It felt good to set up the tent.
Wondering what I should take on next.
We have camped many times. Never have I been the one to get everything together. So I was not real clear on where things were.
After an hour in the garage, I think I have the big stuff. There are some things I wish I had that we can go without.
In all of our camping trips, I have never been responsible for putting up the tent. So tonight, I put it up in the living room. To make sure that I could.
It is funny the way the division of labor works in a marriage.
There are so many things I have never done before because I did not have to. Turns out I can indeed do these things. Like setting up my iphone. Or figuring out how to set up FaceTime. Or finding the camping stuff. Or setting up the tent.
I have a lot of skills. Turns out I am developing even more.
It felt good to set up the tent.
Wondering what I should take on next.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Thank Goodness For My Cats....
Well I lost it today. Pretty much all day. From the morning, when I read an email from a friend. To when I got in the car and cried over a song. To the office. Over and over. Finally, I lost it when after picking up my kids and bringing them home they were arguing over tv and my son threw his soccer ball and bounced it off my daughters head. After screaming rather loudly at him, I made him sit at the kitchen table and I went and sat on the couch. The tears just kept coming down my face. I cried and I sobbed. I don't usually cry in front of the kids but I seriously was falling apart.
I texted a friend who said she was heading over. I am so lucky to have a few good friends. She talked me through my feelings and I am feeling somewhat less horrible. I got the kids in bed and am sitting on the couch with one of my cats curled up to me. It is actually the mean cat : ) Last night, while I was sobbing, I had her and her brother Briscoe next to me. Thank goodness for the cats. They are very good to me.
I am going to try and sort through my feelings.
Why was I crying? Or why have I been crying?
First off, the radio kills me. I probably should not be listening to the XM station that plays all of the songs from the 90's that remind me of the better times in our relationship.
I seem to know that the right thing to do is to stay strong and not accept this man back. Not that he has asked to come back. Though I think his thought is that he will work on being "better" and then when he is "better enough" he can move home. This is a guess because he is not expressing much. I am filing for legal separation. He needs to know that if we were to ever be together he is going to have to start over and show me he is what I want. When I have good perspective, I tell myself that in ten years I am going to look at this time and go "thank goodness. I got a get out of jail free card". I know this is true. But the day to day is rough. Having to deal with behaviorally challenged kids on your own is exhausting. And that is before I even deal with my feelings about a 17 year relationship. Or about my husband just up and leaving like he did. Doing what you know is the right thing is not always easy. So more crying.
A lot of my crying is because of stress. And part of what is making me stressed is the guilt I feel in wanting this done with. Is that what is best for the kids? Do I owe my husband something more after 17 years?
The kids want him so badly. They don't realize he is not a good dad. Or husband.
And with him coming back to town, I have to figure out how to tell them that they will see daddy but he will not live at home. That should be fun.
My son is wearing me out. He is so unpleasant. He does not listen. He fights and fights. He is very disrespectful. I yearn for a child that gives me strength to get through this type of thing. That is not my son. I love my son so much. I get that he is hurting. But I don''t know how to help him and so it seems like this will never change. That he will be angry and defiant for years to come. That is depressing and stressful.
I talk to my friend (the crush I don't want to have) and he tells me about his son and his challenges with their divorce. And this is a kid with an otherwise stable background. I am in for it if his kid is struggling.
I am sure a kid with RAD (which is unfortunately where it appears we are headed) will make me very popular with single men if i ever decide to try and date.
The crush that I don't want to have also adds stress. I wonder if he could ever like me. Not that I can actually date him now anyway. So why bother wondering? I just do. Blah.
The house is a mess and I cannot get of the couch to clean it.
On a positive note, I ran 4 miles in 32 minutes and 6 seconds. I think that is my fastest.
This stress is definitely helping my running.
I texted a friend who said she was heading over. I am so lucky to have a few good friends. She talked me through my feelings and I am feeling somewhat less horrible. I got the kids in bed and am sitting on the couch with one of my cats curled up to me. It is actually the mean cat : ) Last night, while I was sobbing, I had her and her brother Briscoe next to me. Thank goodness for the cats. They are very good to me.
I am going to try and sort through my feelings.
Why was I crying? Or why have I been crying?
First off, the radio kills me. I probably should not be listening to the XM station that plays all of the songs from the 90's that remind me of the better times in our relationship.
I seem to know that the right thing to do is to stay strong and not accept this man back. Not that he has asked to come back. Though I think his thought is that he will work on being "better" and then when he is "better enough" he can move home. This is a guess because he is not expressing much. I am filing for legal separation. He needs to know that if we were to ever be together he is going to have to start over and show me he is what I want. When I have good perspective, I tell myself that in ten years I am going to look at this time and go "thank goodness. I got a get out of jail free card". I know this is true. But the day to day is rough. Having to deal with behaviorally challenged kids on your own is exhausting. And that is before I even deal with my feelings about a 17 year relationship. Or about my husband just up and leaving like he did. Doing what you know is the right thing is not always easy. So more crying.
A lot of my crying is because of stress. And part of what is making me stressed is the guilt I feel in wanting this done with. Is that what is best for the kids? Do I owe my husband something more after 17 years?
The kids want him so badly. They don't realize he is not a good dad. Or husband.
And with him coming back to town, I have to figure out how to tell them that they will see daddy but he will not live at home. That should be fun.
My son is wearing me out. He is so unpleasant. He does not listen. He fights and fights. He is very disrespectful. I yearn for a child that gives me strength to get through this type of thing. That is not my son. I love my son so much. I get that he is hurting. But I don''t know how to help him and so it seems like this will never change. That he will be angry and defiant for years to come. That is depressing and stressful.
I talk to my friend (the crush I don't want to have) and he tells me about his son and his challenges with their divorce. And this is a kid with an otherwise stable background. I am in for it if his kid is struggling.
I am sure a kid with RAD (which is unfortunately where it appears we are headed) will make me very popular with single men if i ever decide to try and date.
The crush that I don't want to have also adds stress. I wonder if he could ever like me. Not that I can actually date him now anyway. So why bother wondering? I just do. Blah.
The house is a mess and I cannot get of the couch to clean it.
On a positive note, I ran 4 miles in 32 minutes and 6 seconds. I think that is my fastest.
This stress is definitely helping my running.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Rough Day
Today was a rough day. Not really much to do with my husband, who according to our last conversation is planning to arrive here in less than a week to move into a house with a couple who are renting out an extra room. Nah. I am handling that stuff pretty darn well.
Yesterday I went to the park and met up with the friend from work who I have decided to focus on being friends with and not have a crush on. He brought his kids and I had brought mine. This guy really is an amazing dad. You could just see the way he played with his kids and how they wanted to spend time with him. Funny, my struggle is not even in the fact that I don't have that.
My struggle, today, it seems, is with the fact that unlike his well adjusted, attached kids, my children are not a source of comfort during a difficult time. My kids are all chaos. No unconditional love. No "your the best mommy ever". Unless my son is at his worst and then my daughter tells me how much she loves me out of fear that I am going to send her away.
Right now, I feel like I am floating all alone in the middle of a rough ocean. Right now I feel so hurt and so tired. I want to be a parent like my friend is a parent. It looks like so much fun. Even without a partner. What I have is not fun. It is not pretty. Tears are streaming down my face and my sole source of comfort is my sweet gray cat, who came over at the sound of my cries.
A few minutes ago I made the mistake of checking facebook and there was a picture of my friend with her baby posted by her husband and it is a reminder of what I don't have. Forget the man. I am able to get myself through that. But I want emotionally healthy or healthier at least kids who like me. Who are not fighting me out of fear that I will leave them. Who don't say things (after lying about using the bathroom and literally climbing the walls at Dunkin Donuts) like "just get rid of me". Which to the kid seems like a feasible option, because it seems to have happened before.
My friends do not understand this. They say oh, kids make it through break ups all the time. Or the kids are just testing you. Yet no one has introduced me to another friend who adopted older children and had her husband or his wife up and leave. It is, I believe, different than a break up where you have well adjusted, emotionally happy kids.
Kids that want to play with YOU on the playground. Like my friend's kids.
While they were all about their daddy, my son was running around inserting himself in other father/son situations. On the surface you can think "he must want to throw the football". But I am capable of throwing the football. But I am also trying to keep up with my daughter.
I am going to be blunt. Today just sucks.
Yesterday I went to the park and met up with the friend from work who I have decided to focus on being friends with and not have a crush on. He brought his kids and I had brought mine. This guy really is an amazing dad. You could just see the way he played with his kids and how they wanted to spend time with him. Funny, my struggle is not even in the fact that I don't have that.
My struggle, today, it seems, is with the fact that unlike his well adjusted, attached kids, my children are not a source of comfort during a difficult time. My kids are all chaos. No unconditional love. No "your the best mommy ever". Unless my son is at his worst and then my daughter tells me how much she loves me out of fear that I am going to send her away.
Right now, I feel like I am floating all alone in the middle of a rough ocean. Right now I feel so hurt and so tired. I want to be a parent like my friend is a parent. It looks like so much fun. Even without a partner. What I have is not fun. It is not pretty. Tears are streaming down my face and my sole source of comfort is my sweet gray cat, who came over at the sound of my cries.
A few minutes ago I made the mistake of checking facebook and there was a picture of my friend with her baby posted by her husband and it is a reminder of what I don't have. Forget the man. I am able to get myself through that. But I want emotionally healthy or healthier at least kids who like me. Who are not fighting me out of fear that I will leave them. Who don't say things (after lying about using the bathroom and literally climbing the walls at Dunkin Donuts) like "just get rid of me". Which to the kid seems like a feasible option, because it seems to have happened before.
My friends do not understand this. They say oh, kids make it through break ups all the time. Or the kids are just testing you. Yet no one has introduced me to another friend who adopted older children and had her husband or his wife up and leave. It is, I believe, different than a break up where you have well adjusted, emotionally happy kids.
Kids that want to play with YOU on the playground. Like my friend's kids.
While they were all about their daddy, my son was running around inserting himself in other father/son situations. On the surface you can think "he must want to throw the football". But I am capable of throwing the football. But I am also trying to keep up with my daughter.
I am going to be blunt. Today just sucks.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Huh....
Last night, I spoke with my husband. He was actually starting to make some sense. Sadly I am so disillusioned with him right now, it is hard to care. Which of course makes me feel guilty.
I had called him because i had wanted to let him know that I was definitely doing the separation agreement. I told him about what it would say. That I had put that he would spend one evening a week with the kids (he could pick the evening) and then three hours on the weekend. He asked if that was all he was allowed. I told him no, I would love for him to spend way more time with them but that was his call. Huh.
He said he figured I would do the separation. He then went on about how he did want to try everything he could so we could be a family and I wanted to scream "to little to late". It is hard for me to believe him. It is hard for me to trust him in general.
He said that he had rented a room with a young couple in their 30's who have an extra room down by the University. He is planning to get here next weekend. We talked about our son's birthday party. I told him I was not sure if he should come since realistically, everyone at the party knows what had been going on. He said that he figured folks would know. He then said that whatever was best for our son he would do. Weird. That would be putting someone else's needs first. He said that he appreciated that it might be awkward for him but he would have to suck it up.
Huh.
So now I have to decide if he attends the party or if he should take our son out on his own.
And I wonder, do I give him one more chance?
I paid the $750 to the lawyer thursday for the legal separation. And then I went on an amazing run.
I feel like I am done. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
Huh.
I had called him because i had wanted to let him know that I was definitely doing the separation agreement. I told him about what it would say. That I had put that he would spend one evening a week with the kids (he could pick the evening) and then three hours on the weekend. He asked if that was all he was allowed. I told him no, I would love for him to spend way more time with them but that was his call. Huh.
He said he figured I would do the separation. He then went on about how he did want to try everything he could so we could be a family and I wanted to scream "to little to late". It is hard for me to believe him. It is hard for me to trust him in general.
He said that he had rented a room with a young couple in their 30's who have an extra room down by the University. He is planning to get here next weekend. We talked about our son's birthday party. I told him I was not sure if he should come since realistically, everyone at the party knows what had been going on. He said that he figured folks would know. He then said that whatever was best for our son he would do. Weird. That would be putting someone else's needs first. He said that he appreciated that it might be awkward for him but he would have to suck it up.
Huh.
So now I have to decide if he attends the party or if he should take our son out on his own.
And I wonder, do I give him one more chance?
I paid the $750 to the lawyer thursday for the legal separation. And then I went on an amazing run.
I feel like I am done. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way.
Huh.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Today
Today was a rough day though my kids were amazing tonight : )
I had emailed the lawyer last night regarding the details of the separation. I had planned to drop the check off today but got tied up at work. Going to do that tomorrow. I have told a friend to hold me accountable.
I decided today that I don't want to have a crush on the person I have previously mentioned. I realized, as I was breaking down in his office in the middle of the work day, that he is way too valuable as a friend to even go there. I am not much for crying. I am not much for asking for help. I feel like I can power through anything. This friend is the only friend that I have that has really been in this place. Oh my goodness the relief I felt seeing the understanding on his face. He has felt the same pain. The same loss. He did not make any stupid comments. I have heard so many ridiculous things. I don't often let my guard down like that; it is not easy for me. I tend to handle things through humor, which is more preferable than tears.
So no more crush. I need a friend, and I suspect, so does he.
Tonight, my kids were so enjoyable. It was so nice to have fun together and not have it just be about work. I needed a reminder of how worth it they are.
To my kids....I love you guys. Even when you are behaving horribly, I love you. I will always love you and be here for you. I am proud to be your mom.
I had emailed the lawyer last night regarding the details of the separation. I had planned to drop the check off today but got tied up at work. Going to do that tomorrow. I have told a friend to hold me accountable.
I decided today that I don't want to have a crush on the person I have previously mentioned. I realized, as I was breaking down in his office in the middle of the work day, that he is way too valuable as a friend to even go there. I am not much for crying. I am not much for asking for help. I feel like I can power through anything. This friend is the only friend that I have that has really been in this place. Oh my goodness the relief I felt seeing the understanding on his face. He has felt the same pain. The same loss. He did not make any stupid comments. I have heard so many ridiculous things. I don't often let my guard down like that; it is not easy for me. I tend to handle things through humor, which is more preferable than tears.
So no more crush. I need a friend, and I suspect, so does he.
Tonight, my kids were so enjoyable. It was so nice to have fun together and not have it just be about work. I needed a reminder of how worth it they are.
To my kids....I love you guys. Even when you are behaving horribly, I love you. I will always love you and be here for you. I am proud to be your mom.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tears
Tonight the kids talked to my husband on Facetime. I got the stupid idea to ask if we could talk later. I had decided I wanted an update.
An update is reasonable of course. The man had said he would be coming back at the end of the month. Which is all of 13 days away. Factor in a two to three day drive and with only 10 or 11 days one could expect he had a plan.
Ha!
Apparently he has been "communicating" with folks renting rooms. He has seen some photos. Has a few "possibilities". So he is really no further ahead than he was before. He says he wants to make sure he finds the right place, in a decent neighborhood. He thinks the college student roommate is the most ideal option. Hmmm.
Not to worry, he says. He can always stay in a place that rents rooms by the week. Yes, this is the same man who insists he does not want to rent a studio apartment because they don't seem to be in nice areas.
I comment on the lack of detail. He comes back with not knowing what it is I want to know. I ask him about work. Turns out he has been on a "leave of absence" the last few weeks and has not been getting paid. Might have been nice to know that too. I had inferred that was the case, but is it a stretch to think he would have expressed that verbally? I guess so. He said that "he told me that work was keeping his job for him". Ahh. All that detail.
It was a depressing conversation. Me asking questions he did not want to answer. I felt pretty darn depressed when I hung up.
I think there is a part of me that harbors the hope that he will one day express that he cares. Express that he really does want to be my partner. And ask "how can i make this up to you". But he doesn't. I know in the long run that is probably for the best. But that does not help how I feel today.
I feel lousy. I feel disappointed. I feel sad. I feel rejected. I felt like such a "bad ass" last week and now I just keep getting teary. My daughter probably senses stuff in her sleep and she just came out to cuddle with me on the couch. At 11:40 at night.
I feel ridiculous that I am disappointed. Seriously, what did I expect?
So I emailed the lawyer. I emailed my list of assets and debts. I emailed my custody arrangement and holiday sharing. I told her I would bring the check tomorrow.
I don't even know how to express what I am feeling. I could probably let this drag on forever. I know I shouldn't. I know I am worth more than the way this man treats me and so are my kids.
Getting the separation started is right. I know that. But it hurts and it is hard. In life, we don't typically take the path that feels like it hurts the most.
Making this choice, getting the ball rolling on the legal stuff....knowing I will probably continue to love this man. Even though he has not earned it.
It just sucks.
An update is reasonable of course. The man had said he would be coming back at the end of the month. Which is all of 13 days away. Factor in a two to three day drive and with only 10 or 11 days one could expect he had a plan.
Ha!
Apparently he has been "communicating" with folks renting rooms. He has seen some photos. Has a few "possibilities". So he is really no further ahead than he was before. He says he wants to make sure he finds the right place, in a decent neighborhood. He thinks the college student roommate is the most ideal option. Hmmm.
Not to worry, he says. He can always stay in a place that rents rooms by the week. Yes, this is the same man who insists he does not want to rent a studio apartment because they don't seem to be in nice areas.
I comment on the lack of detail. He comes back with not knowing what it is I want to know. I ask him about work. Turns out he has been on a "leave of absence" the last few weeks and has not been getting paid. Might have been nice to know that too. I had inferred that was the case, but is it a stretch to think he would have expressed that verbally? I guess so. He said that "he told me that work was keeping his job for him". Ahh. All that detail.
It was a depressing conversation. Me asking questions he did not want to answer. I felt pretty darn depressed when I hung up.
I think there is a part of me that harbors the hope that he will one day express that he cares. Express that he really does want to be my partner. And ask "how can i make this up to you". But he doesn't. I know in the long run that is probably for the best. But that does not help how I feel today.
I feel lousy. I feel disappointed. I feel sad. I feel rejected. I felt like such a "bad ass" last week and now I just keep getting teary. My daughter probably senses stuff in her sleep and she just came out to cuddle with me on the couch. At 11:40 at night.
I feel ridiculous that I am disappointed. Seriously, what did I expect?
So I emailed the lawyer. I emailed my list of assets and debts. I emailed my custody arrangement and holiday sharing. I told her I would bring the check tomorrow.
I don't even know how to express what I am feeling. I could probably let this drag on forever. I know I shouldn't. I know I am worth more than the way this man treats me and so are my kids.
Getting the separation started is right. I know that. But it hurts and it is hard. In life, we don't typically take the path that feels like it hurts the most.
Making this choice, getting the ball rolling on the legal stuff....knowing I will probably continue to love this man. Even though he has not earned it.
It just sucks.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Welcome To....
I remember a really neat essay I read some time back that I believe was called "Welcome to Holland". The essay was by a woman who was the parent of a disabled child. She expressed having expected to "go to Italy" (have a non disabled child) like her friends/family. So when she "went to Holland" she was disappointed. She had been promised Italy. She later realizes that if she is so busy being sad about italy she will miss all that Holland has to offer.
Today, I was taking a walk and this came into my head. Only I feel like I was expecting Holland and wound up somewhere else. But not a nice pleasant, laid back place like Holland, where the pace may be slower but can be enjoyable.
See, I was totally prepared for Holland. In fact, I chose Holland! People were going to Italy and I thought, "not really for me. Holland is a fit. I have the tools for Holland. I can do great in Holland!"
So I was all prepared for Holland. But somehow I wound up in a place where no one would willingly choose to visit. It is the kind of place reporters go to investigate. It is hard for anyone to relax. It is always stressful. It is noisy. It feels unsafe. It feels like you don't have control. Objects are flying all around you. Things are always moving. There is a lot of fear. It is hard to feel hope.
I yearn for Holland. I know if I pine over Holland, I will miss what this place offers. I am still trying to figure out what that is. I know I can get great life lessons from here. But sometimes great life lessons are not so appealing. Nor nonstop action. And always having to be on high alert.
Oh Holland. Or Norway or Sweden or anywhere relatively calm. I hope I will one day have the opportunity to stay awhile. Being here is wearing me out : )
Today, I was taking a walk and this came into my head. Only I feel like I was expecting Holland and wound up somewhere else. But not a nice pleasant, laid back place like Holland, where the pace may be slower but can be enjoyable.
See, I was totally prepared for Holland. In fact, I chose Holland! People were going to Italy and I thought, "not really for me. Holland is a fit. I have the tools for Holland. I can do great in Holland!"
So I was all prepared for Holland. But somehow I wound up in a place where no one would willingly choose to visit. It is the kind of place reporters go to investigate. It is hard for anyone to relax. It is always stressful. It is noisy. It feels unsafe. It feels like you don't have control. Objects are flying all around you. Things are always moving. There is a lot of fear. It is hard to feel hope.
I yearn for Holland. I know if I pine over Holland, I will miss what this place offers. I am still trying to figure out what that is. I know I can get great life lessons from here. But sometimes great life lessons are not so appealing. Nor nonstop action. And always having to be on high alert.
Oh Holland. Or Norway or Sweden or anywhere relatively calm. I hope I will one day have the opportunity to stay awhile. Being here is wearing me out : )
The Therapist
I am annoyed with the therapist. Though it is not his fault. He is a nice man. He may even be a good therapist. I have been seeing him for Attachment Therapy for my son and for awhile he turned into a marriage counselor for my husband and I. I keep seeing him as I am working through this stuff with my husband and to talk about ways to help with my son.
The thing is, I already have the tools I need for my son. The tools are not working. No one has any new tools. I know he could be worse. But he is so frustrating. Even understanding the psychology he drives you nuts. I wish I did not understand it. Then the therapist could tell me something and I would have an Ah Ha moment. The therapist has such great wisdom like "keep doing what you are doing". Huh.
It is not much different when we are talking about me. I am pretty good at self-analysis. I can tell you what I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I am sort of doing his job for him, which is again not his fault. I can point out to him that I believe I am sabotaging something and I can tell him why I am doing it.
I am probably not much fun for him either : )
The thing is, I already have the tools I need for my son. The tools are not working. No one has any new tools. I know he could be worse. But he is so frustrating. Even understanding the psychology he drives you nuts. I wish I did not understand it. Then the therapist could tell me something and I would have an Ah Ha moment. The therapist has such great wisdom like "keep doing what you are doing". Huh.
It is not much different when we are talking about me. I am pretty good at self-analysis. I can tell you what I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. I am sort of doing his job for him, which is again not his fault. I can point out to him that I believe I am sabotaging something and I can tell him why I am doing it.
I am probably not much fun for him either : )
Sunday, March 17, 2013
How To Attract A Man (According to My Mother)
Had an interesting conversation with a friend on friday. It brought me to tears (first in a whole week though), but made me think.
I was commenting to my friend about my Crush. I told her that on paper, there was no reason why this guy would not be interested but that in my mind I have a hard time seeing it. I keep thinking "he would never go for me". I have no good reason to think this. If anything, the reasons would be positive ones...he might be intimidated by me, as I have a higher level of education. I am a supervisor and he is not a supervisor. My friend focused on the physical.
"How do you feel about yourself?" she asked.
"Well, I like myself", I told her. "I think I am a good person."
I admitted though, having some fears of being able to attract men.
Not emotionally, but physically.
I learned as a kid that "you need to wear makeup to meet men" and "you need to stay thin to get a man" and "you need to do your hair to get a man". This was mainly my mother talking. Grandpa and Dad did not help.
My mom pushed me to join a sorority where this impression was further imprinted in my mind. Despite an all out rebellion in my 20's, I have it in my head that I need to look a certain way to attract men.
I am not interested in looking this certain way. Or in spending all of the time to look this certain way.
I will therefore, not attract men.
It is sort of like those math problems...
This "logic" is perpetuated by my boss and her comments about how "I will see how good I feel once I take care of my physical self". Huh. Reminder...I feel fine about me.
See, I know my boss is wrong. My mother is wrong. The sorority sisters are wrong.
I know that Hiking Man, whoever and wherever he is, will like me because I am ME. He will appreciate that I would rather hike than primp.
My friend was concerned with my self-confidence. She was concerned I went to far in the other direction in my rebellion against my education on attracting men. She said I should try painting my nails. That I could find it "fun". She wanted to get haircuts. And make up. She wants me to "feel good about me".
Working through all of this with her, I am crying. My husband has not been much for sex in some time and he never said things like "wow you are beautiful" or "you have a great body". You combine my upbringing and the comments of current folks in my life and there is no wonder I am concerned I won't get a second glance.
I go home and think about this. But I realize that it is not that I find myself unattractive. I think I look physically good...not just for a woman at 37 but in general. I am in good shape. I can run miles and hike miles and bike miles. I know I can use a haircut. Sure I could smooth out blemishes. But the overall impression is definitely positive.
I realize that the feeling that my Crush won't be into me is more about my desire to not get hurt. It is scary to put oneself out there, particularly after many years. I am smartly telling myself he will not like me so I am not let down if he doesn't. I know this is a silly crush but this could be another crush a year from now or a serious relationship two years from now...it is good I am recognizing this feeling so I don't continue to go through the same response to the idea of dating someone.
When my time of the month arrived today, I figured the crying must have been hormonal. After a hike last night I looked in the mirror and realized I look darn good after physical activity.
My Crush may not ever show interest. But there are many reasons why he might not...top being that I am not even really available.
Got to love insight. The reality is, if I have two free hours, no kids, no work, I am going on a hike. Not to get a haircut. Or buy makeup.
But the right man, the man I want, will appreciate that.
I was commenting to my friend about my Crush. I told her that on paper, there was no reason why this guy would not be interested but that in my mind I have a hard time seeing it. I keep thinking "he would never go for me". I have no good reason to think this. If anything, the reasons would be positive ones...he might be intimidated by me, as I have a higher level of education. I am a supervisor and he is not a supervisor. My friend focused on the physical.
"How do you feel about yourself?" she asked.
"Well, I like myself", I told her. "I think I am a good person."
I admitted though, having some fears of being able to attract men.
Not emotionally, but physically.
I learned as a kid that "you need to wear makeup to meet men" and "you need to stay thin to get a man" and "you need to do your hair to get a man". This was mainly my mother talking. Grandpa and Dad did not help.
My mom pushed me to join a sorority where this impression was further imprinted in my mind. Despite an all out rebellion in my 20's, I have it in my head that I need to look a certain way to attract men.
I am not interested in looking this certain way. Or in spending all of the time to look this certain way.
I will therefore, not attract men.
It is sort of like those math problems...
This "logic" is perpetuated by my boss and her comments about how "I will see how good I feel once I take care of my physical self". Huh. Reminder...I feel fine about me.
See, I know my boss is wrong. My mother is wrong. The sorority sisters are wrong.
I know that Hiking Man, whoever and wherever he is, will like me because I am ME. He will appreciate that I would rather hike than primp.
My friend was concerned with my self-confidence. She was concerned I went to far in the other direction in my rebellion against my education on attracting men. She said I should try painting my nails. That I could find it "fun". She wanted to get haircuts. And make up. She wants me to "feel good about me".
Working through all of this with her, I am crying. My husband has not been much for sex in some time and he never said things like "wow you are beautiful" or "you have a great body". You combine my upbringing and the comments of current folks in my life and there is no wonder I am concerned I won't get a second glance.
I go home and think about this. But I realize that it is not that I find myself unattractive. I think I look physically good...not just for a woman at 37 but in general. I am in good shape. I can run miles and hike miles and bike miles. I know I can use a haircut. Sure I could smooth out blemishes. But the overall impression is definitely positive.
I realize that the feeling that my Crush won't be into me is more about my desire to not get hurt. It is scary to put oneself out there, particularly after many years. I am smartly telling myself he will not like me so I am not let down if he doesn't. I know this is a silly crush but this could be another crush a year from now or a serious relationship two years from now...it is good I am recognizing this feeling so I don't continue to go through the same response to the idea of dating someone.
When my time of the month arrived today, I figured the crying must have been hormonal. After a hike last night I looked in the mirror and realized I look darn good after physical activity.
My Crush may not ever show interest. But there are many reasons why he might not...top being that I am not even really available.
Got to love insight. The reality is, if I have two free hours, no kids, no work, I am going on a hike. Not to get a haircut. Or buy makeup.
But the right man, the man I want, will appreciate that.
An Honest Thought
Just being honest...Today my son was so frustrating I thought the main reason why I want a partner in life is so that someone can save me from this mess.
Sigh.
My son has taken self-sabotage to an art form. But try explaining that concept to a 7 year old.
He is so smart and can manipulate quite well. He cannot manipulate me. I always catch on. But he tries and tries and tries and you wonder if he will ever give up.
On a positive note, he spoke with his dad for almost 45 minutes on the phone about transformers and star wars.
Sigh.
My son has taken self-sabotage to an art form. But try explaining that concept to a 7 year old.
He is so smart and can manipulate quite well. He cannot manipulate me. I always catch on. But he tries and tries and tries and you wonder if he will ever give up.
On a positive note, he spoke with his dad for almost 45 minutes on the phone about transformers and star wars.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
The Bright Side
Today I did something really cool. The daughter of one of my co-workers occasionally babysits. Since it is spring break, she came to help me cover soccer. I then took us (me, her, the kids) to the rock climbing gym. I did not climb; but today I passed the test to be certified to "belay". Belaying is when you are hooked to the same rope as the climber but you stay on the ground. You move the rope as they climb so there is no slack. Then if they fall off the climb, they don't fall far.
I had been wanting to try the rock climbing gym for years. I have always been intimidated by the rock gym. A few weeks back a friend was going for "ladies night" and I went. I almost backed out. I wound up loving it. Another friend, whose husband climbs, offered to watch my kids so I could go last week with her husband. I learned a lot. Loved it even more. The kids had been asking so I thought, why not?
Now that I am certified, I can go right in and climb without having to take the refresher course.
It is sort of like I conquered my fear of the rock climbing gym. And have a card to prove it.
I have had a smile on my face all day because of this.
If my husband had not left, I have no doubt that I would not have done this.
And the mean part of me kind of chuckles. He was always talking about wanting to climb but never did it.
Oh well. I did.
: )
I had been wanting to try the rock climbing gym for years. I have always been intimidated by the rock gym. A few weeks back a friend was going for "ladies night" and I went. I almost backed out. I wound up loving it. Another friend, whose husband climbs, offered to watch my kids so I could go last week with her husband. I learned a lot. Loved it even more. The kids had been asking so I thought, why not?
Now that I am certified, I can go right in and climb without having to take the refresher course.
It is sort of like I conquered my fear of the rock climbing gym. And have a card to prove it.
I have had a smile on my face all day because of this.
If my husband had not left, I have no doubt that I would not have done this.
And the mean part of me kind of chuckles. He was always talking about wanting to climb but never did it.
Oh well. I did.
: )
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The "Fun" of a Crush
I am going to preface this post by saying that I absolutely know it is too soon to have a crush. And I am also going to say that I KNOW that I cannot make decisions about my marriage based on having feelings for a guy. I am keeping my crush separate from whether or not I want to continue to try and work on my marriage. The truth (as far as working on the marriage) is that my husband is not giving me much to go on. It appears my husband will be working on himself for quite some time. And a lot of this work will likely be in another state. At this point I will not move with him. He does not mention working on the marriage. Just working on himself.
So let's be honest. Having a crush is way more fun than ruminating over the demise of a 17 year relationship.
I have been telling my friend I am flirting but the reality is I am really just having conversations with an adult male who is single. I was never much of a flirt and doubt that will have changed. This guy is just easy to talk to as we have a lot in common. He is older than I am, but has plenty of energy and kids close in age to mine. Most importantly, he is nice and appears to be a good guy. Of course you never know.
I try and look at the crush with perspective. Perhaps we crossed paths so he can show me that there are single, nice guys out there and i don't need to panic.
But I sure would not mind, when the time is right, being asked out on a date : )
So let's be honest. Having a crush is way more fun than ruminating over the demise of a 17 year relationship.
I have been telling my friend I am flirting but the reality is I am really just having conversations with an adult male who is single. I was never much of a flirt and doubt that will have changed. This guy is just easy to talk to as we have a lot in common. He is older than I am, but has plenty of energy and kids close in age to mine. Most importantly, he is nice and appears to be a good guy. Of course you never know.
I try and look at the crush with perspective. Perhaps we crossed paths so he can show me that there are single, nice guys out there and i don't need to panic.
But I sure would not mind, when the time is right, being asked out on a date : )
Freedom!
I need to catch up on my posting....I have been feeling really good since sunday night. I have felt so good that on tuesday when we were finally able to use FACETIME for my kids to talk with my husband, I told him I would call when the kids went to bed.
I called him and told him that I was not really angry anymore. I told him that I hope he gets himself together and that I want him to be okay. I told him the situation was clearly lousy.
I also told him that I was likely going to file for legal separation. I told him I need to do it for myself, if for no other reason but to symbolize that I will not go back to how things were the past year and that I would not allow him to treat me and the kids the way he had. I also told him that never in all of this did I hear he wanted to be back with us as a family. If he wants to live in other states for work or school, that is fine. He can go by himself. If I am going to have a partner, I would like him to partner with me locally. Seems reasonable.
His response about the legal separation "if that is what you feel you need to do". Funny, it would be nice if he even TRIED to convince me otherwise. Oh well.. Easier on me.
He still plans to come at the end of the month and rent a room in a house. No set plans. He has all of these dreams but no plan whatsoever.
The kids' faces lit up when they saw him on the computer. That makes me sad.
Wednesday, I emailed the lawyer. I now know what info I need to provide her.
I have no idea what if anything to say to the kids.
But you know what? I feel good. I feel really good.
My cell phone just lost all battery yesterday. It was time for the upgrade and I got a new free phone. Usually my husband would do all of the phone stuff and get it started. Not this time. I even got the crazy waterproof case on it. I was able to hook the phone to my computer and transfer pictures. I am smarter at this stuff than I think.
I think being free of all of this is making me feel good. Free of his drama. Free of the recent pain.
I think I am going to be okay.
I called him and told him that I was not really angry anymore. I told him that I hope he gets himself together and that I want him to be okay. I told him the situation was clearly lousy.
I also told him that I was likely going to file for legal separation. I told him I need to do it for myself, if for no other reason but to symbolize that I will not go back to how things were the past year and that I would not allow him to treat me and the kids the way he had. I also told him that never in all of this did I hear he wanted to be back with us as a family. If he wants to live in other states for work or school, that is fine. He can go by himself. If I am going to have a partner, I would like him to partner with me locally. Seems reasonable.
His response about the legal separation "if that is what you feel you need to do". Funny, it would be nice if he even TRIED to convince me otherwise. Oh well.. Easier on me.
He still plans to come at the end of the month and rent a room in a house. No set plans. He has all of these dreams but no plan whatsoever.
The kids' faces lit up when they saw him on the computer. That makes me sad.
Wednesday, I emailed the lawyer. I now know what info I need to provide her.
I have no idea what if anything to say to the kids.
But you know what? I feel good. I feel really good.
My cell phone just lost all battery yesterday. It was time for the upgrade and I got a new free phone. Usually my husband would do all of the phone stuff and get it started. Not this time. I even got the crazy waterproof case on it. I was able to hook the phone to my computer and transfer pictures. I am smarter at this stuff than I think.
I think being free of all of this is making me feel good. Free of his drama. Free of the recent pain.
I think I am going to be okay.
Monday, March 11, 2013
With Whom Does The Responsibility Lie?
Ahh. Lovely conversation with my husband last night. Yes, that is sarcasm you hear.
I had texted him earlier to see if he could FACETIME tonight because the kids wanted to see him. He did not text back for some hours. He said he could FACETIME. I told him I was out while the kids were with the babysitter and should I call him when I got home. He wrote back that I should and "what time could he expect the call?"
This irritated me, because he has zero responsibilities currently. But he needs a call time so he can plan...?
So I did not respond. A little more than an hour later I get home and the kids and I call.
No answer!
I text him to let him know we called. I hear nothing for almost 40 minutes. I text him again to say thank you for showing how important we are. Within minutes the phone rings.
It is him. He says he is sorry that he did not answer. He said he had gone to the bathroom.
For 40 minutes?
Should I be surprised?
This led to more conversation. I expressed that I was not real enthusiastic about how he answered the questions I had emailed. I pointed out that not once did he say he want to be a part of the family and would do anything possible to be a part of it again. He seemed to think he was doing (or planning to do) everything he needed to do to be in the family yet had seen no reason to express that he wanted to be back. Huh.
I asked where he saw things in a year and he said that he hoped things were better with his ability to handle the kids. He hoped he was able to start "reintegrating" with the family.
He also talked about wanting to work a job in another state or country and how important this was to him. He told me that I had said that was okay before we got the kids. I said yes, I had, however, the rules have changed since he just up and disappeared. I am no longer feeling so generous. I was always trying to keep him happy. I guess I was afraid he would leave. But then he left and I am okay. The world did not end. When we had talked about this in the past I had said that if it made sense we would all go or we would stay here while he went. Clearly I am not following him ANYWHERE at this point.
He said he did not think I was ever really open to his doing this. But he felt if he did not work out of state and/or get a PHD somewhere else he would never be satisfied.I told him that was not true. I would not have been thrilled but we would have made it work.
Is it wrong of me that I want him to actually WANT to make an effort to be a part of our family? To not be coming back while at the same time making plans on when he will again leave?
The last year was miserable. I learned all of the things I did not have in my partner. After having six weeks to see I am okay without the partner and have hope of one day being a part of a real partnership, I am not real enthusiastic about what he is telling me.
He kept going back to the fact that he had "lost it" like that somehow absolved him of responsibility for just suddenly leaving. It doesn't.
I finally get up the nerve to tell him I am strongly considering a legal separation.
He says something like "if that is what you think you need". As if that somehow makes me weak.
But the whole conversation, I did not cry. Did not cry when we hung up.
I feel guilty. I think because my desires changed. I have changed the rules of our relationship but wanting more out of him. Is this fair? Do I have to stick this out because I made the commitment?
I think I am tired of him.
I had texted him earlier to see if he could FACETIME tonight because the kids wanted to see him. He did not text back for some hours. He said he could FACETIME. I told him I was out while the kids were with the babysitter and should I call him when I got home. He wrote back that I should and "what time could he expect the call?"
This irritated me, because he has zero responsibilities currently. But he needs a call time so he can plan...?
So I did not respond. A little more than an hour later I get home and the kids and I call.
No answer!
I text him to let him know we called. I hear nothing for almost 40 minutes. I text him again to say thank you for showing how important we are. Within minutes the phone rings.
It is him. He says he is sorry that he did not answer. He said he had gone to the bathroom.
For 40 minutes?
Should I be surprised?
This led to more conversation. I expressed that I was not real enthusiastic about how he answered the questions I had emailed. I pointed out that not once did he say he want to be a part of the family and would do anything possible to be a part of it again. He seemed to think he was doing (or planning to do) everything he needed to do to be in the family yet had seen no reason to express that he wanted to be back. Huh.
I asked where he saw things in a year and he said that he hoped things were better with his ability to handle the kids. He hoped he was able to start "reintegrating" with the family.
He also talked about wanting to work a job in another state or country and how important this was to him. He told me that I had said that was okay before we got the kids. I said yes, I had, however, the rules have changed since he just up and disappeared. I am no longer feeling so generous. I was always trying to keep him happy. I guess I was afraid he would leave. But then he left and I am okay. The world did not end. When we had talked about this in the past I had said that if it made sense we would all go or we would stay here while he went. Clearly I am not following him ANYWHERE at this point.
He said he did not think I was ever really open to his doing this. But he felt if he did not work out of state and/or get a PHD somewhere else he would never be satisfied.I told him that was not true. I would not have been thrilled but we would have made it work.
Is it wrong of me that I want him to actually WANT to make an effort to be a part of our family? To not be coming back while at the same time making plans on when he will again leave?
The last year was miserable. I learned all of the things I did not have in my partner. After having six weeks to see I am okay without the partner and have hope of one day being a part of a real partnership, I am not real enthusiastic about what he is telling me.
He kept going back to the fact that he had "lost it" like that somehow absolved him of responsibility for just suddenly leaving. It doesn't.
I finally get up the nerve to tell him I am strongly considering a legal separation.
He says something like "if that is what you think you need". As if that somehow makes me weak.
But the whole conversation, I did not cry. Did not cry when we hung up.
I feel guilty. I think because my desires changed. I have changed the rules of our relationship but wanting more out of him. Is this fair? Do I have to stick this out because I made the commitment?
I think I am tired of him.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
My Husband Is A Fruitcake....
Just in case any doubt remained, it is confirmed that my husband is indeed a fruitcake.
After my phone call with my husband on tuesday where he announced his plans to come back to the city and work on himself and spend time trying with the kids, I realized I had an awful lot of unanswered questions.
So I figured I should ask them.
On thursday afternoon I sent him an email with probably close to 50 of them.
They involved concrete plans: do you know exactly where you plan to live? How often are you thinking you want to see the kids? Do you plan to look for a full time job (he is working 30 hours)? Will you meet with the therapist to come up with a way to coordinate this to cause no further damage to the kids? Are you still looking to get a job in another city? When?
The questions also involved getting an understanding of his perspective: what do you think you need to do to get invited back to the house? How do you plan on explaining this to the kids?
After the questions I firmly told him that I would not live the way I did the last year. That the kids and I deserve better. I reiterated that I would not live the way I did the last year.
I sent the email and then I waited.
I had taken the day off on friday and after taking the kids to school and getting some coffee I decided to go on a long hike. I figured that would keep me away from checking my email.
I had a great hike. Kept up a good pace and got farther on the trail in a shorter time than I had anticipated. I probably would have gone longer but it looked like rain and when I heard the thunder crack I figured it was smart to turn around. Got to the parking lot around 12:30. No email. Not surprising. I know my husband. If he had seen the email he was preparing the "perfect" response. Perfectly worded, that is, to commit to nothing.
I went to REI, where I treated myself to new hiking socks (my thorlos got a hole after about 10 years), and a pair of biking shorts. One of my goals, aside from spending time at the rock gym, is working towards doing a century bike ride (100 miles). I have not been biking much since my last big ride (58 miles) so I have a lot of work to do.
From REI I went to World Market. I have been looking for a shower curtain but have been unable to decide on one. At World Market I think I find the right one. Retail therapy can be a beautiful thing.
As I am driving home I notice an email from my husband. A response to the questions!
As I write this, I wonder why I was so excited to receive an email with the answers. Did I expect good answers? Seriously?
When I would stop at a light I would read. Then read a little more at the next light. I was only 10 minutes from home.
By the time I pull into the driveway, it is quite clear, even from quickly glancing at the email, that the answers were not what I was looking for.
They were vague. Little information. All about him. Seriously all about him.
Not once, in the entire email, did he say he hoped to get it together so we could be a family.
Not once.
And yes, he does still want to work in another place. Sooner rather than later. And, if he does not do this, he feels he will be more deeply depressed.
So, if I want to remain married to this man, I have to expect that he will take very little, if any responsibility while he "works on himself". Indefinitely. He will come and go as he pleases. Must be nice to have that flexibility. Must be nice to have all of this time to think about yourself and what you want.
I decided to see the email as my permission to leave. If he cannot even say that he wants to be a family, than what am I doing? The is a difference between being loyal and being stupid.
I saw this email as my permission to leave.
After my phone call with my husband on tuesday where he announced his plans to come back to the city and work on himself and spend time trying with the kids, I realized I had an awful lot of unanswered questions.
So I figured I should ask them.
On thursday afternoon I sent him an email with probably close to 50 of them.
They involved concrete plans: do you know exactly where you plan to live? How often are you thinking you want to see the kids? Do you plan to look for a full time job (he is working 30 hours)? Will you meet with the therapist to come up with a way to coordinate this to cause no further damage to the kids? Are you still looking to get a job in another city? When?
The questions also involved getting an understanding of his perspective: what do you think you need to do to get invited back to the house? How do you plan on explaining this to the kids?
After the questions I firmly told him that I would not live the way I did the last year. That the kids and I deserve better. I reiterated that I would not live the way I did the last year.
I sent the email and then I waited.
I had taken the day off on friday and after taking the kids to school and getting some coffee I decided to go on a long hike. I figured that would keep me away from checking my email.
I had a great hike. Kept up a good pace and got farther on the trail in a shorter time than I had anticipated. I probably would have gone longer but it looked like rain and when I heard the thunder crack I figured it was smart to turn around. Got to the parking lot around 12:30. No email. Not surprising. I know my husband. If he had seen the email he was preparing the "perfect" response. Perfectly worded, that is, to commit to nothing.
I went to REI, where I treated myself to new hiking socks (my thorlos got a hole after about 10 years), and a pair of biking shorts. One of my goals, aside from spending time at the rock gym, is working towards doing a century bike ride (100 miles). I have not been biking much since my last big ride (58 miles) so I have a lot of work to do.
From REI I went to World Market. I have been looking for a shower curtain but have been unable to decide on one. At World Market I think I find the right one. Retail therapy can be a beautiful thing.
As I am driving home I notice an email from my husband. A response to the questions!
As I write this, I wonder why I was so excited to receive an email with the answers. Did I expect good answers? Seriously?
When I would stop at a light I would read. Then read a little more at the next light. I was only 10 minutes from home.
By the time I pull into the driveway, it is quite clear, even from quickly glancing at the email, that the answers were not what I was looking for.
They were vague. Little information. All about him. Seriously all about him.
Not once, in the entire email, did he say he hoped to get it together so we could be a family.
Not once.
And yes, he does still want to work in another place. Sooner rather than later. And, if he does not do this, he feels he will be more deeply depressed.
So, if I want to remain married to this man, I have to expect that he will take very little, if any responsibility while he "works on himself". Indefinitely. He will come and go as he pleases. Must be nice to have that flexibility. Must be nice to have all of this time to think about yourself and what you want.
I decided to see the email as my permission to leave. If he cannot even say that he wants to be a family, than what am I doing? The is a difference between being loyal and being stupid.
I saw this email as my permission to leave.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Decisions
I am going to step back a few days to Tuesday, March 5th. In my last post I commented that it was an emotional day.
Around 5:30 I noticed an email from my husband. It was a response to the email I had sent to him on sunday night. As is typically the case, it had a lot of words but did not say much.
One part said he was working to better himself. Another part said that he had always loved the "ride" of our relationship and missed the ride. And that he knows it will not be the same but he is trying to improve who he is.
Huh.
I personally read that as he knows that this is not going to work but is afraid to say the words. He writes in all of this flowery language but does not say anything of substance. My co-worker, Andy, has said he is superficial. I am starting to think Andy is right.
I read this email he had sent over and over, trying to figure out what to make of it. He called at 7:15 for the kids. Before I put the kids on I figured we had better talk.
I ask him what he has been thinking. Has anything changed?
He says that he is now planning to come back to Albuquerque and rent a room in a house down by the University. Then he can work on himself, help with kid appointments, try to handle them on a small level. He says he is thinking he will do this in 2-3 weeks. I think it is good he is going to try and see the kids and I tell him that. Of course I am curious as to how he sees the future. I ask him what he sees happening a year from now.
He said he see himself working on himself and being better able to spend time with the kids. Sort of vague. Working on ourself is kind of a lifelong activity anyway. But does he think he will live in the house a year from now? Will we be married maintaining separate residences for years until the kids grow up?
Yuck.
I don't want that. I want a real partner.
I appreciate that if my husband and I don't remain together that there are no guarantees I will find that partner. Kind of a long shot really. But then, if he is living in his own place, seeing the kids once a week, is that really any different than me being divorced? Why would I hold on for that?
I do love him. I would not say I am in love at this point. Being with him is comfortable. It is safe. It is what I know. I care about him. I want him to be happy.
I want to be happy too. He is not making me happy. These circumstances are making me miserable. So i hang out a year wondering if he can work hard enough to achieve being an adequate father and adequate husband?
Which he has proven over the last year that he cannot.
How much time do I give?
I fantasize about getting a legal separation, which would at least give me some emotional closure, some control, and say to my husband that I am serious.
I can do this, as long as I don't think too much. If I think too much, I become paralyzed by the sadness of this. I envisioned growing old with this man. I am no longer envisioning that. I know that is not realistic.
And that makes me want to cry.
Around 5:30 I noticed an email from my husband. It was a response to the email I had sent to him on sunday night. As is typically the case, it had a lot of words but did not say much.
One part said he was working to better himself. Another part said that he had always loved the "ride" of our relationship and missed the ride. And that he knows it will not be the same but he is trying to improve who he is.
Huh.
I personally read that as he knows that this is not going to work but is afraid to say the words. He writes in all of this flowery language but does not say anything of substance. My co-worker, Andy, has said he is superficial. I am starting to think Andy is right.
I read this email he had sent over and over, trying to figure out what to make of it. He called at 7:15 for the kids. Before I put the kids on I figured we had better talk.
I ask him what he has been thinking. Has anything changed?
He says that he is now planning to come back to Albuquerque and rent a room in a house down by the University. Then he can work on himself, help with kid appointments, try to handle them on a small level. He says he is thinking he will do this in 2-3 weeks. I think it is good he is going to try and see the kids and I tell him that. Of course I am curious as to how he sees the future. I ask him what he sees happening a year from now.
He said he see himself working on himself and being better able to spend time with the kids. Sort of vague. Working on ourself is kind of a lifelong activity anyway. But does he think he will live in the house a year from now? Will we be married maintaining separate residences for years until the kids grow up?
Yuck.
I don't want that. I want a real partner.
I appreciate that if my husband and I don't remain together that there are no guarantees I will find that partner. Kind of a long shot really. But then, if he is living in his own place, seeing the kids once a week, is that really any different than me being divorced? Why would I hold on for that?
I do love him. I would not say I am in love at this point. Being with him is comfortable. It is safe. It is what I know. I care about him. I want him to be happy.
I want to be happy too. He is not making me happy. These circumstances are making me miserable. So i hang out a year wondering if he can work hard enough to achieve being an adequate father and adequate husband?
Which he has proven over the last year that he cannot.
How much time do I give?
I fantasize about getting a legal separation, which would at least give me some emotional closure, some control, and say to my husband that I am serious.
I can do this, as long as I don't think too much. If I think too much, I become paralyzed by the sadness of this. I envisioned growing old with this man. I am no longer envisioning that. I know that is not realistic.
And that makes me want to cry.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Acceptance?
Today was a very emotional day. Part of it was probably due to my son's meltdown last night. It was overwhelming and frustrating and I am reminded again that it is all me at this point.
I think another part may be that I keep checking my email thinking he is going to respond to the email I had sent to respond to what he sent on sunday. Of course he does not. So it is like I keep setting myself up for disappointment. I seem to do better if I don't hear from him or don't expect to hear from him.
The reality is that I know it is better for all of us to move on. To not try to work on things. To officially cut ties. But knowing and articulating that does not make it any easier. I talk a good talk but when it comes down to it I want to crawl into bed and cry like a baby. What happened to us? We were good together once, weren't we? And then I question even that. Maybe we were never a good fit. Or we were a good fit for the wrong reasons. Two angry kids who were mad at the world and required little of each other. Then I grew up and wanted more. He is still that kid.
I have to stop myself from thinking like that or it will drive me nuts. It does not matter if we were ever a good fit. What matters is we spent 17 years together regardless. Almost half of my life and nearly my entire adult life. When I am able to be pragmatic, I think that I may as well move on now before it is 25 years of my life. When I am not able to be pragmatic, I just feel really really sad.
This just really sucks.
I think another part may be that I keep checking my email thinking he is going to respond to the email I had sent to respond to what he sent on sunday. Of course he does not. So it is like I keep setting myself up for disappointment. I seem to do better if I don't hear from him or don't expect to hear from him.
The reality is that I know it is better for all of us to move on. To not try to work on things. To officially cut ties. But knowing and articulating that does not make it any easier. I talk a good talk but when it comes down to it I want to crawl into bed and cry like a baby. What happened to us? We were good together once, weren't we? And then I question even that. Maybe we were never a good fit. Or we were a good fit for the wrong reasons. Two angry kids who were mad at the world and required little of each other. Then I grew up and wanted more. He is still that kid.
I have to stop myself from thinking like that or it will drive me nuts. It does not matter if we were ever a good fit. What matters is we spent 17 years together regardless. Almost half of my life and nearly my entire adult life. When I am able to be pragmatic, I think that I may as well move on now before it is 25 years of my life. When I am not able to be pragmatic, I just feel really really sad.
This just really sucks.
The Email
My husband sent an email sunday night. I read it a dozen times. I emailed it to a friend for review. I read it out loud to the therapist today.
After all of that I have concluded that the email said nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was very well written. Clear, concise. But nothing new in there.
He seems to want to talk...I guess about what feelings came up through the counseling and meditation at the weekend retreat in the mountains in attended. I bet that was nice to have a quiet weekend in the mountains.
I am not real enthusiastic about talking to him. I am really tired of all of this. I know I need to be strong and tell him "No. I am done".
But saying that is hard. And it really sucks.
Do I want him? I keep saying I don't want him. Perhaps it is less about wanting him or not wanting him and more about being done. I am tired.
Being alone is hard. Handling the kids difficult behaviors by myself is hard. Not having time to myself is also hard.
But dealing with him was hard too.
His disinterest in being a part of our family was hard. It hurt. His unwillingness to really try was hard. And that hurt too.
I am responsible for these two children but I am not responsible for him. He is a 40 year old man.
A week or two ago I felt like it was either things work out with him or I am alone forever and I don't want to be alone forever.
Now I am thinking being alone forever is not as bad as the last year. And maybe, I would not have to be alone forever...maybe there is someone else who would like to embark on the next chapter of their life with me.
I know I cannot make the decision based on the possibility of ending up with anyone else.
Would it be easier if he just told me HE was done? Probably. It would mean I did not have to feel guilty.
We will see what he has to say.
After all of that I have concluded that the email said nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was very well written. Clear, concise. But nothing new in there.
He seems to want to talk...I guess about what feelings came up through the counseling and meditation at the weekend retreat in the mountains in attended. I bet that was nice to have a quiet weekend in the mountains.
I am not real enthusiastic about talking to him. I am really tired of all of this. I know I need to be strong and tell him "No. I am done".
But saying that is hard. And it really sucks.
Do I want him? I keep saying I don't want him. Perhaps it is less about wanting him or not wanting him and more about being done. I am tired.
Being alone is hard. Handling the kids difficult behaviors by myself is hard. Not having time to myself is also hard.
But dealing with him was hard too.
His disinterest in being a part of our family was hard. It hurt. His unwillingness to really try was hard. And that hurt too.
I am responsible for these two children but I am not responsible for him. He is a 40 year old man.
A week or two ago I felt like it was either things work out with him or I am alone forever and I don't want to be alone forever.
Now I am thinking being alone forever is not as bad as the last year. And maybe, I would not have to be alone forever...maybe there is someone else who would like to embark on the next chapter of their life with me.
I know I cannot make the decision based on the possibility of ending up with anyone else.
Would it be easier if he just told me HE was done? Probably. It would mean I did not have to feel guilty.
We will see what he has to say.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
I Think Possibility Is Giving Me A Stomachache
My stomach has been questionable since thursday night. On thursday I never got around to eating until around 9pm so I figured that was the issue. But then friday but stomach felt lousy. And yesterday and now today.
I may have gotten some bug. Or eaten something that did not agree with me. It might be the "time of the month".
Since it is now three and a half days since it began, I am starting to wonder if it has something to do with my crush. Or to do with possibility.
Possibility is exciting. But it is also scary.
I am seeing that i have a "type". How weird is that after not thinking about these things for 17 years. I am at the coffee shop right now and was sitting next to a guy who was tall, lean, attractive. Maybe a bit younger than me. I like tall. I like thin.
Typing that gives me a stomachache.
It is interesting that I am not having trouble getting over the relationship so much as I am struggling with the kids. Which also gives me a stomachache. How do I help THEM get to a good place? A place with less anger. More acceptance.
And then I realize that I cannot get them to that place until I have a better idea of what to tell them which I don't have until my husband provides me with some insight. Will he be back? Not in the house but in the state? The unknown is probably worse for them then anything. I know. I can relate.
I did change a light bulb yesterday. For the first time in probably my adult life.
Welcome to the world of possibility!
I may have gotten some bug. Or eaten something that did not agree with me. It might be the "time of the month".
Since it is now three and a half days since it began, I am starting to wonder if it has something to do with my crush. Or to do with possibility.
Possibility is exciting. But it is also scary.
I am seeing that i have a "type". How weird is that after not thinking about these things for 17 years. I am at the coffee shop right now and was sitting next to a guy who was tall, lean, attractive. Maybe a bit younger than me. I like tall. I like thin.
Typing that gives me a stomachache.
It is interesting that I am not having trouble getting over the relationship so much as I am struggling with the kids. Which also gives me a stomachache. How do I help THEM get to a good place? A place with less anger. More acceptance.
And then I realize that I cannot get them to that place until I have a better idea of what to tell them which I don't have until my husband provides me with some insight. Will he be back? Not in the house but in the state? The unknown is probably worse for them then anything. I know. I can relate.
I did change a light bulb yesterday. For the first time in probably my adult life.
Welcome to the world of possibility!
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Crush
I have a crush on a guy even though I know it is to soon.
I actually don't want to have a crush on anyone. I don't find it fun, I find it kind of nerve wracking. All that wondering if he could be at all interested in me....which is ridiculous because I am not ready to start something new and I know that!
With my husband I had comfort and convenience and now I have hope. Hope that I could one day find someone who would find being a part of my family to be something to be excited about and look forward to. I want to feel like we are an asset. Not a liability.
Is it even called a crush when you are 37?
Should I say something like "there is a guy that I would like to get to know better?"
That sort of sounds less scary.
I actually don't want to have a crush on anyone. I don't find it fun, I find it kind of nerve wracking. All that wondering if he could be at all interested in me....which is ridiculous because I am not ready to start something new and I know that!
With my husband I had comfort and convenience and now I have hope. Hope that I could one day find someone who would find being a part of my family to be something to be excited about and look forward to. I want to feel like we are an asset. Not a liability.
Is it even called a crush when you are 37?
Should I say something like "there is a guy that I would like to get to know better?"
That sort of sounds less scary.
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