Happy Anniversary?!

Today was The anniversary of my failed marriage. I had debated how to spend the day and wound up sick with the flu yesterday morning. I slept from yesterday at 11:30am through today at 3pm. Woke up some of course and then went right back to bed. I felt downright miserable. From about 5pm until now I have done little but cry. I have cried and cried. I m going to take NyQuil and go to sleep. I am pretty sure my body crashed due the emotions I am not dealing with. I am working so hard at being a bad ass that I am just beat. I cannot remember feeling that bad as an adult.

I feel like I have a hole in my heart. I don't know if anything can fill that hole. Can hiking man? Can learning to fix my car or set up my swamp cooler? 17 years is an eternity. People say to do what you love but how does that take the place of a partner? My friend spoke of how when she wanted a baby so bad she was willing to trade the partner for a baby. What she and others don't seem to get is that your partner is the one who supports you when you are going through these struggles. No partner you lose that support. And children struggling to attach are not going to fill that hole (nor should they).

To add to a lousy day they are closing my mountain to hiking on June 10th due to fire restrictions. So now I won't have that outlet for awhile.

And here is for the ultimate cap on a lousy day. My oldest has announced that she is pregnant and that I will soon be a 38 year old grandma.

Before I cry again, I am taking NyQuil and a shower. Plent more to say tomorrow.

Do Deer Enjoy R&B and Rap?.

Today was frustrating. My closest friend (the one who had the baby the day my husband quit us) came into my office during work to tell me they were likely going to move out of state. Since her parents are likely moving out of the country and they want to live near family they are moving "home" (the place they grew up). I cannot help but want to scream...am I not enough? I thought I was like your sister! I wanted our kids to grow up together! She is my family. She always said I was like family.. So what the hell? I am pretty open about my feelings and I told her that it is hard for me because I don't have the family connections she does. My parents drive me nuts. Being around them for any length of time is not good of my mental health. I love my brother but he lives in another state in the south and is not leaving. And I am not moving there (tried to live there for about six months and it is not for me).  I don't have friends from my youth. I was always moving. I don't have a home to go to.  This is my home and my friends are my family. I feel like second best. And I am jealous because I want those family and friend connections. It seems it is not her pushing for the move but her husband. I try to remind myself that this is a positive of not having a husband...no one to want to move and me have to move because they want to. But instead I feel more depressed. If I had a good partner, my closest friend moving would not seem like the end of the world. Because I would have my best friend of all living with me.

My friend went on about how I should move too!  While I suppose my husband would not be upset that I "took the kids away" I don't know that I could do that. And I am tired of moving.

Am I really going to lose my husband and best friend in the same year?

After work is went for a hike. During the last 20 minutes I passed two people lounging on a rock, and then a few minutes later noticed a lone deer less than 100 yards from me. It appeared to be a young deer. I have seen deer on hikes but usually there are multiple deer. Not this time. The deer and I looked at one another. It was quiet. Well except for the music being played at a rather high volume by the people sitting on the rock. I could not help but wonder how the deer felt about the music. At one point it turned its head and I kind of chuckled...not my favorite either I wanted to say.

I am not a religious person but I always say that I believe in the mountain and nature. When I see wildlife on the mountain, I always feel it is a higher power showing me that everything will be okay. 
I felt comfort when I saw the deer. The fact that it was alone was symbolic of how I feel. The lone deer was strong and was and will continue to be okay, just like me. 

It was beautiful, looking at that deer on the side of the mountain, and the deer gazing back at me. 

I could have passed on the music though : )

Long Weekend

I am often amazed at how much we packed into one weekend and this long weekend was no exception...took the kids on a long hike, attended a party with them, took them on an out of town day trip that lasted all day, met friends at the park, visited another friend who is close to having her first child, etc. i even started working on getting the swamp cooler going.The kids had decent behavior comparatively. They did great on the car ride on the out of town day trip. Bickering throughout the weekend but nothing crazy.

My husband on the other hand...

Apparently he is getting these headaches that he thinks are migraines. He has not had these in the past. I want to be sympathetic, but I am just out of sympathy. The headaches, oddly, seem to show up when it is time for him to watch the kids. The latest was yesterday when he was supposed to come at 5:30. I got a text at 3 saying he had a headache and was going to try and nap it away. Did not hear from him again until 7:30 when he called to say he just woke up and was on his way. I am out of sympathy and out of trust.

My husband was not the only issue...the day trip out of town was to visit a friend who had been camping. She had invited us to camp but I had not committed because another friend had also invited us to camp and I was not sure that we were going to make it to either because we had a baby shower Saturday late afternoon. Also it is hard to know where the kids will be at emotionally and do I really want to be camping with them. Particularly if my husband is willing to take them here and there so I take a break.

Anyway, I had texted the friend that we would try and come either saturday evening or Sunday for the day. Since she was already camping she did not get my message (no cell signal). When we fousd their campsite, they were off hiking which was totally cool. Because I had not committed to anything I had no expectations. Frankly I was surprised we found the place. When they returned from their hike, we all hung out. Another friend showed up too. Cool. Then my friend wanted to tell me what was bothering her. She was frustrated because she did not know if we were coming and she wants us to come and if we come she wants to do X Y and Z for us and wants to be there waiting but she cannot do that if she does not know we are coming. I appreciate where she is coming from but I don't want to commit unless I am 100%. Which is hard to be right now. On the flip side, I don't expect her to be there waiting. I  don't expect her to feed me. I asked her if it was better to just say no, I am not coming. She said yes it was. Her husband interjected he did not think that was always the case. Poor guy has seen her drive off a lot of friends. She is very dominating. X

She later said something about how she spends a lot of energy trying to come up with ways to help me. I want to tell her to please stop. There is not much she can do but listen. But she is causing me more stress with all of her plans and efforts. I appreciate it, I do. It is sort of like it is just too much. 

Some of the comments she made show she is insulted that I commit to birthday parties but not three day camping trips, but a birthday party is only a few hours!

Lousy Year?

It is funny, in a way, that this is 2013 and I am a bit superstitious. I don't really like the number 13. But when the year was changing I did not worry about it. Barely gave it a thought.

Turns out 2013 will be the year my husband ran away and my marriage ended. And now it appears my closest friend may move away. Nice. I have known my friend for some years. I know she does not love this city and wants to move to the city where she grew up. Since her parents live here and she just had a baby, I figured I was safe for awhile...well her dad got laid off and now her parents are talking about moving. Which means my friend will likely not be far behind.

This is the same friend who was in labor when I realized my husband was gone. I suppose I will have to see that as a blessing of sorts, as I have realized I can get through stuff without her. Since the baby it has been all me in regards to offers to help. Ironic since her husband is right there. As are her parents.

What is difficult with this friend is I think I mean something much different to her than she means to me. She has been my closest friend for some time. I don't have friends I grew up with or close relationships with inlaws. I have my friends that live here and that is about it. I moved a lot as a kid and a lot as an adult. My life at almost 38 reflects that. Sometimes it is lousy but I accept it and figure I will do the best I can with the friendships I have. Without the relationship with my husband, there really is not anyone who knew me in my 20's.

My friend does not need me. She has a reliable husband who adores her. She lived in the same house the majority of her childhood and still has all of those relations. She has her high school friends. She has college friends. She has in-laws. She is close with her parents. Of course she wants to move "home". The loss of me will barely be felt as she is welcome back by a plethora of people.

I have lived in many places in my life. But I have no real connections anywhere. Except my brother.

It is very hard when someone is more important to you than you are to them. For the first time in years I am ANGRY about all of the moving in my youth. About my lack of roots.

I feel myself already pulling away. I am in self protection mode. Angry for relying on this friend at all.

And it magnifies my sadness of not having a partner. If a close friend moves away and you have a partner you still have someone close to you.

I really don't.

I wanted our kids to grow up together. Is it important to anyone that my kids grow up with their kids?

Rant over.

Update

It has been a few days since I posted. I have gotten to enjoy a few hikes (Monday and Wednesday) and have been busy at work. This time of year is typically hectic as far as reports go and between that and getting the kids through the last week of school things have been chaotic!

I found yesterday to be a frustrating day...my husband (being that I have turned in the separation papers, do I still call him that?) made me angry. I told him he could meet me at the house this morning at 7:45 to get the kids so I could go to work. The kids are done with school but camp does not begin until Tuesday. He had offered to take them to his office. He made a comment about how early that was and that he was not sure he could be ready on time. Seriously? I have spent the last four months getting the kids TO SCHOOL by 7:40. So I told him that. And commented that he "sure was living the life".

He started going off on how he was not living the life and how he did not think he could ever get across to me how terrible he must have been feeling to walk away like he did and how he was now 40  years old and had lost everything.  I commented that he always brought it back to him and how he was/is feeling. What about me and the kids? I think whatever he is going through in regards to his mental health is prohibiting him from seeing what he is doing. The all about me mentality is so ingrained in him that his actions are likely subconscious. I asked him about whether he had found a therapist and he said he had just found someone who would take his insurance. Still no appointment.he went on about how miserable he is that he feels this way and he does not know why he can't just be a dad like other people.

When we had calmed down we spoke about other things and he was persistent that he help me with the swamp cooler. Something about how if I was going to look it up online, I might as well have him come and show me what to do.. no thank you!

We will see how things go.

Embarrassed....

I was been debating writing about this but hoping writing it will stop it from spinning round and around in my mind...

Saturday I was hiking with my friend and her family, along with my kids. This is a relatively new friend, someone that I work with, however we have a lot in common so spending time together is easy. My friend works more directly with my crush, but she does not know that I have the crush on him. For obvious reasons I don't want to be real vocal about it.

So we were hiking and she is talking about a guy she wants to set me up with. She said he looks sort of like Tom Berenger (I went home and looked him up and that works). We were talking and she was like "have you thought about ......" and she named my crush! Ahhh. On one hand I am surprised it took so long for her to put it together. On the other I was caught off guard. At first I responded that I did not know, being that we worked together, etc....but as we continued talked I figured I may as well just come out and say it...I don't remember how I put it to her. I just know I am sort of mortified about it now. Did I do the right thing being honest? Now I feel awkward!

The funny thing is that from talking to her I don't know that he really is the best guy to have a crush on. He is apparently very unhappy at work but is not even looking at other options. He seems to have a lot of qualities  that my husband has. Of course he also has some really good ones. Like he is great at saving money. Has no debt. Is a good dad and is willing to work hard.

I hope I handled things okay.

We Did It!

My friend and I successfully completed an oil change today. We were finally able to get the drain plug off after getting a new one inch crescent wrench. The rest was not bad...though getting the oil filter off was a challenge.

It felt so good to do this and to do it ourselves. Subconsciously I think I am afraid my son won't learn things that he should from a dad. Well turns out he AND my daughter can learn those things from MOM. Ironically my dad did not teach us any of that stuff and I turned out okay. Still I am excited to teach them and to learn more. Next we are going to replace the battery and get the swamp cooler going.

Awesome!

Tough Conversation

Yesterday I had a tough conversation with my husband. As I posted last night, it had been an emotional day. I had been feeling down about my physical appearance and that made me angry with. my husband. I should not have to have these concerns. I was also thinking about my friend's offer to organize the garage and my crushes' comment about my husband ever getting his own place. Yes I was concerned that I would lose the free babysitting he provided and yes I was concerned he would just disappear on the kids when faced with having to get a place. But his getting a place is not unreasonable and I would do better without him around.

When I arrived home he was there as he had picked up the kids. I asked him about getting his own place. He said he is "trying to save money right now". My husband is always trying to save money. This have not been an area where he has been real successful. Not sure how he will be now as he actually has to pay rent and a car payment, I had previously covered all of these things. I told him that I need him to work on that because I reasonably need space from him. I then asked for a timeframe on cleaning the garage. He went on about how busy he was...can he imagine how busy I am being that I work full time and am fully responsible for the kids? I am not even sure that he is a full time employee! He ultimately agreed to clean it out within six weeks. Time will tell.

I mentioned to him that this was hard for me and he went on about how "he wished he could explain it to me so I understood..." I told him that it is not that I did not understand. What frustrates me is how he seemed to not be concerned with how his actions would and did affect the rest of us.

After our talk I was energized and cleaned the house.

Emotions...

Today was a day filled with emotions. Where I could sort of see where they were coming from, yet knew they were ridiculous. Here is my effort to explain what I was feeling...

Somehow it "clicked" a few days ago that I am never hit on by guys. Obviously this has not been much of an issue. But now it feels like one. Because if I am going to find a new partner, a new guy is going to have to find me attractive.

I became convinced that my lack of being hit on is due to not wearing make up or styling my hair. The problem is I don't want to wear make up or style my hair. So since I need to for guys to be interested, and I don't want to, I am doomed. This is my thought process. Nice.

Part of these emotions are due to my husband's actions. Though I know it is not about me...that he has his own issues, it does not matter. I feel rejected. The other reason for the emotions is what I perceive as lack of interest by the crush. See, in my mind, the crush should be interested. We have similar interests. Kids close in age. And I think I look good. Why is this man not expressing interest? My head says "it must be something physical".  Ahhh! It is the lack of makeup. I want this man to find me attractive. Why isn't he?

Now I know logically that there is a possibility he does find me attractive. That he comes home and writes about his crush and it is me. Regardless, I am not SEEING interest which makes me feel rejected. Again.

I know he could find me attractive but be hesitant because we work together. Or because he is 10 years older. Or because I am in a higher level position. Or he isn't ready or his kids are not ready. Plenty of reasons and not to do with my physical appearance.


On the hike with my co workers there was plenty of time to talk with my crush when we branched off by ourselves onto what appeared to be a trail. Turned out to be a rather steep, off trail climb. I kept up
though, which in my mind should score some points. It was the kind of adventure I love, and from his stories the kind he enjoys too.  On our way down, he had 90 min to make conversation. But he didn't. It was me asking and him answering. Wouldn't you ask the same question back at least? His not 
doing so made me feel he was not interested. It is funny because at work we can talk nonstop. Hiking 
he was so quiet. I tell myself maybe he feels awkward because he IS interested. I feel like I am 
wishful thinking. I also feel ridiculous. I have not been in this type of situation for so long I am not sure how to handle it emotionally.

So I feel like I have been rejected twice. Which led to the abundance of emotion. And fear that no man will get past my lack of makeup and hairstyle to appreciate ME.

I wish I could stop having the crush. It is not helping at all. It seems to make things worse!  Having a crush opens me up for rejection. Not really up for that yet!

A Realization

Tonight I went for a hike with some friends from work, including my crush. Two of the friends are not hard-core hikers while the crush and I are. The trail was easy and myself and the crush (who I will call C for "crush") decided to go off up a wash to see if it met up with another trail we knew. This is the kind of hike I really enjoy. Adventure! So we went up and up and up. After about an hour or so we found the trail. We did not talk much on the way up. It is funny how he and I can talk for hours at work but out of work it is not as easy. On the way down we did talk a bit and the conversation helped me come to a realization.

I had told him the one of the things I missed from before kids is that I did not have to worry that if something happened to me one of my crazy hikes that I would be leaving my kids. At this point, the sun had set and we were hiking in the dark. On the plus side there were two of us along with two dogs. Compared to some of my prior hikes, this would be considered well prepared. I commented that even though the kids were with husband, I still worried. He said something like "is he ever going to get his own place so the kids can spend the night?". Now, that is a great question.

At first I answered to C that I felt like I was in a catch 22. If I required him to pay the child support that meant less money to focus on getting a place. I also said that since I did not like conflict I hesitated to push him about this. As we continued to walk, I realized that perhaps the real reason I was not pushing him is that I was afraid that if I pushed too hard he would bail completely on the kids. Since I do want the kids to have him in their lives  I hesitate to require too much of him.upon further reflection, I am enjoying my nights out and fear rocking the boat and losing this.

As I mull this over, I am pleased to have figured out some of my feelings. Now what to do with them....do I require my husband step up more? While it is hard to know what is best for the kids, what is best for me in the long term is for him to NOT be this present in my home/life.

My Husband Outsourced His Responsibiliy...

Last night, as I was feeling down, I chuckled. When I started this blog I called it "my husband quit the family". When I had to tell my parents I wrote that he had taken a "leave of absence". Yesterday, as he had arranged for a babysitter when he was supposed to be present, I realized he had "outsourced his responsibility". Perhaps I should consider outsourcing his role for a longer period of time...or laying him off entirely...

The therapist gave me an A+ today regarding my progress with all of this. It must be my sense of humor.

I Don't Like Mother's Day

I don't like mother's day. It is a day that apparently seems to just remind me of what I don't have. I watch my friend with her perfect baby and even though I never wanted a baby I am jealous. Her little boy is so sweet and so good natured and my kids...well sweet or good natured are probably not adjectives to describe them. I am reminded that my kids came to be mine because the mother that gave birth to them did not care for them appropriately. My kids subconsciously know this as they subconsciously miss the woman who gave them life-and their behaviors betray their confusion. Husbands do nice things for their wives to thank them for being the mother of their child or children. Obviously my "husband" is not thanking me. Husbands also encourage their kids to do cute and sweet things and well, that did not happen here. My husband was out of town, supposedly for work.  And could not manage to get back before 10pm. Supposedly.

My son does not listen. He is unpleasant to be with. My daughter makes being moody look pleasant. My "husband" is a fruitcake. I am typing this as tears roll down my cheeks. I am not sure if I can even explain why I feel so sad but I do. I am tired of the behaviors that are coming at me from all sides. I am tired of the well meaning advice of friends about how I need to think positive or be careful not to feel like I cannot be happy unless my life is a certain way (meaning I have a partner), or I should use this time to focus on myself and get to know what I am about. I did not have my kids until I was older. I had time to get to know and to like myself. I know what I am about. All the positive thinking in the world is not going to make my son pleasant to be around. It is not going to make my husband be a good man who values his family. I am doing everything I can to try new things and occupy myself and grow and blah blah. But I just sit here right now cry. I have no groceries right now because I was stupid enough to think my "husband" would be in town early enough for me to shop.

My friend asked earlier today (add this to dumb things to say), would it really be any easier to be with the kids if I had a partner? Seriously? Let's think. I referenced my friends with four kids who make their hellish situations sound like fun. I want that! Why can't I have that? Where did I go wrong?

I think I will arrange for my "husband" to have the kids to himself on father's day...

The Funk

I am still in my funk but do feel better. Tomorrow a friend and I are going to see if we can figure out how to do an oil change on my old car. I bought the supplies we will need and we have the benefits of wireless Internet at our disposal...should be interesting....I am looking forward to ito have no clue what I am doing. I was telling my "crush" about our plans and he offered to hang out with us to answer questions. My friend said she prefers to do it ourselves and I agree. Funny if I did not have a crush on the guy I would not have even considered it. Next project is a bike rack on the car...maybe he can help with that...

Mother's day is a challenge in a family created through adoption. It is a crapshoot how the kids will react. Today my daughter told me she misses the friends she had when she lived with birth mom. She was not even two when she lived with birth mom last and she does not have a memory of her friends at the time. I know she is trying to understand. It is frustrating sometimes, becausetheir is a selfish part of me that wants to be the only mom. Heck, I want to be number one! I will be likely be competing with birth mom forever. I found it difficult tonight to be with my friend and her new baby. He is smiling and cooing at her and my kids are lying and sneaking. Sure, part of it is age. And this little guy will have his days. But the reality is that a lot of the behaviors my kids bring to the table are things that my friend will likely not experience. And I am jealous. I am also jealous of her doting husband who is also a doting dad. Must be nice.

Can I just come out and say that I hate Mother's day? I am not much for holidays anyway and this one is setting me off. I think it is less about the kids' reaction and more my husband's behavior. While other husbands are celebrating their wives for being mothers (and I suppose for making the fathers), my husband had completely flaked on the weekend. Supposedly out of town for work and though he was supposed to be back at 4 on Sunday so I can do my oil change, it now appears that is unlikely.He says he is going to find a babysitter for until he returns. I am sure with 12 hours notice he will find
someone (haha). I wonder if I get to pay them. Not that that will be an issue because it is doubtful someone will be available. I feel so valued!

Not that I know that my husband is where he says he is I have no trust. I looked him up on family. Map and imagine this...his phone is off.

Any wonder why I am in this funk?

Apology (sort of)...

I was frustrated today over the events of last night with my husband. Even had a long talk with my friend/crush about it. I told him that if I had been out of line with my expectations to please let me know. I figured it might help to get a male perspective. He confirmed that my expectations were indeed reasonable. He commented that yes, sometimes kids are inconvenient and interfere with your plans. But they are your responsibility. He also seemed blown away by my husband's "inability" to pay the entire child support amount. He noted that he made a good deal less than my husband (when working 40 hours) yet he makes it work.

When I saw. My husband tonight I approached him about the situation. He said that he realized that he had screwed up. That he had overcommitted himself. That he did not connect that it would be mothers day. I told him the fact that it was mother's day is not really the issue. It is that he did not think at all. Just did what he wanted without regard to others.

It seems he got it.

Taking Responsibility

Call me crazy but I expect my husband to take some responsibility here and there. I know, I know. Crazy.

Tonight I ask him his weekend plans so we can coordinate schedules. Because silly me is assuming he does plan to see his children,

He tells me that he was asked to "help with some projects" which I think is code for "going out of town".

I ask and yes indeed this requires him to be out of town Friday through Monday. Thanks for the heads up. I wasn't planning anything or anything.

He insists he was not told about these things until today. I pointed out that Sunday was Mother's day and it seems odd they would expect folks to work all day on Mother's day. He insists he did not connect this is mother's day weekend. I ask whether all staff are doing this. No just he and one other guy. IS the other guy attending the sunday event?  No. I point out that  he is only paid for 35 hours per week and should not be required to work weekends. He says oh, no, they have upped me to 40 hours. Really?

He comments that he has done everything I have asked...like he has earned a weekend away. Yet if work asked me to leave town, I would have to check with my partner to make sure our children were covered. Must be nice to not worry. He left playing the martyr saying "i am just going to leave because there is nothing I can say". I wind up the one feeling guilty because I hate conflict.

Ergggg.

Seriously

Tonight I asked my husband if he had signed and notarized the papers I had given him. Not yet. It seems he did not know where to find a notary. By 40 you would think he would know. I tell him that the bank will notarize. I asked when I would get the papers back. He hems and haws. Oh he has so much at work, big week, blah blah. He will TRY to get them ASAP. I comment that I feel he is not taking me seriously. He insists he is. He then says he will sign them even if he knows he may never have the amount he needs for child support. I tell him that I sure hope he will one day be able to help in that area because the kids are expensive. He says "yeah even with a government stipend." Meaning the monthly amount we get for the special needs adoption. It feels like he is saying "hey you are getting the stipend what do you want from me?" I know I am overly sensitive but dude, you are the one who took off!

Long Weekend Part 2

Just finished the weekly therapy appointment which never helps me feel much better : )

Back to the weekend...seems the party went okay. The friend who was offended that my daughter had not socialized with her daughter was insistent that I attend her last minute party. I was just plain exhausted by that point and the idea of one more thing to do was not appealing. I think the stress of my parents and my husband and the weekend had done me in. She told me to just come without my parents. Sigh. I think this friend is becoming too high maintenance. It is funny. You want friends to count on you and that you can count on but not this much. Yikes. She said something about how she would just leave her parents for the party. Okay, that is you.

After the party I took my son to the grocery store as he was in trouble for lying. Then we went home and I got started cleaning. And I cleaned and cleaned and the house is still a mess.

It was a relief to go back to work this morning. A relief to be back to normal with my parents going home. What seemed the hardest for me was the seemingly constant reminders of the happy family life I so wanted. I texted a friend Saturday night when I was feeling down and I was trying to explain how I felt. She does not understand and is always saying to "be positive". I think I am being pretty positive. I could be way more negative. I am constantly surrounded by couples like my friends talking about these camping trips and road trips and family time. And my family composition is not what I though it would be. And I am both angry and sad about that. And of course jealous.

Be positive, she says. Should I throw a party? Celebrate getting to date and be rejected like when I was 20? I want a partner. And relatively soon. I don't want to find the partner in 10 years when my kids are uninterested in doing things as a family.

I know it is what it is. I am trying to enjoy them even with their behaviors. I know there are never any guarantees. But the people spouting those words of wisdom are happily saying such things from the comfort of their two parent household. I want my happy ending.

The therapist pointed out that I am never upset about not having my husband himself. It is always about having a partner. Which is a good point. I don't miss him. I am okay without him. But I hope I can get to a place sometime soon that I am satisfied with being a family of 3.

Long Weekend Part 1

This weekend was challenging. My parents were in town and that has been something that has been difficult for me for, well, 20 years. No longer having my husband to be the buffer has increased the challenge. And the fact that now they are "concerned". I know that I should appreciate that they care and want to be sure I am okay. But it drives me nuts.

They came in on Thursday and we had dinner out that night. At one point they tried to pry about my husband but I told them I did not want to talk about it. Which I don't. Friday we had dinner with my friends that had a baby the day my husband took off. Things went reasonably well. My parents took the kids to their hotel that night and I was able to do a little painting and the get up early for a big hike the next day with friends. This hike had been planned by my crush and was on a trail that I had been wondering where it went for some time. I admit i hoped to have been able to actually communicate with him while on the hike. I have such a crush on this guy.. Which makes me feel guilty though it shouldn't. Another friend and her husband joined us. It was a wonderful hike where we made it to south peak and back in under 6 hours. I mainly talked with my friend and I feel disappointed that the opportunity had not arisen to talk with my crush. I feel like I can do really well talking to him at work but out of work I get nervous. Having a crush is hard for me. I am not much of a flirt and I feel uncomfortable. I like to think that he is the same way and that is why this is difficult. Wishful thinking, I know. I know there are other guys out there, but there is something about this one. I felt sad at the end of the hike. Partly because we had not spoken much, but also I believe it was hard hearing my friend talking about her and her husband and all of their backpacking trips and what they planned to do with their kids. And how he supported her through running the new York marathon, my renting a bike and finding her at different points in the route. My husband was eating hot dogs during the marathon while I ran. I just felt so sad about my family composition. I want a partner like that. A dad like that for my kids. I want camping trips and hiking trips as a family. Yes, I know I can take the kids myself. But a partner who enjoys that would make things much more fun and likely a lot easier.

Another friend had invited us to dinner on Saturday night. I had a difficult time transitioning from it he hike to social time with my family. Also this friend is pretty needy and that is a challenge for me. She had decided to have a party the next night as well and wanted us to come. My parents did not want to go but my friend thought i should just break away from my parents. Since I had
Already taken most of Saturday to hike, I did not feel right about that. I was also beat. It is hard to explain to a friend that you chose a different activity for your limited free time them spending time with them, she prefers to be with people. I really don't. When I want a break, I want to be alone, hiking or running or biking.

Sunday I ran the 5k zoo run with two friends. When I went to pick up my friend to go, I burst into tears. Clearly I was stressed. My daughter's party was a few hours away and I am. Of much for parties. Will the kids get along? Will they behave? And this had the added stress of my husband ands parents seeing one another. I just kept thinking that in one more day, this would be over. My parents would be on their way home and the party would be done.

The party wound up going okay. My daughter was happy which was the most important thing. My dad went right up to my husband and said hi and then walked away. Two girls from my dughter's class came and she was thrilled. The needy friend appeared offended because my
Daughter barely spoke to her daughter. Clearly my daughter, who is all of 6, was overwhelmed. And 6 year olds realistically don't know how to divide there time at a party. Heck I don't at 37. I need to head to work and will right more this afternoon.

Angry and Sad

I made the mistake last night of asking my husband if he had signed the separation papers. A reasonable question. He said he had not, but that he would. He then made two comments:

"It made me sad when I saw the cats written in there"

and, regarding the $748 he would owe in child support:

"I don't think I have enough extra money every month to pay that".

I expected that regarding the child support. At first I laughed off his comment about the cats. But around the middle of the day today it just made me really sad. And angry too. After this much time, is the only thing that makes him sad seeing the cats as a part of the agreement? WHAT ABOUT ME?? I am not surprised he was not bothered by the kid portion. Is it not sad that this is a DISSOLUTION OF OUR MARRIAGE? We are coming up on our 9 year marriage anniversary and we have been together for 17 years.

I feel so hurt to mean that little to him. I feel so sad that I meant so little that he could leave like he did and that what makes him sad is not the loss of our marriage.

I cannot help but have some weak moments. I have cried a few times today. The timing of these emotions is terrible because my parents are in town and i need every ounce of strength and positive attitude to handle my mother. It was hard enough having them visit when things were going good and when I had my husband as an ally. My friend says I should appreciate having them there. I know they mean well and I feel guilty for not wanting them here. But I don't want to talk about this stuff with them.

I may be approaching "that time of the month" which is surely not helping my emotions. Also either allergies or a cold are bugging me.

I am having one of those days where being single does not feel fun. When I want my husband back. When 15% of what I want in a partner feels "reasonable". I have to aim for better. I know that. I am worth way more than what he is offering.

Ugh. Today sucks.

Another New Experience

Today I went on a "meet-up" hike...It is through Yahoo groups and it offers a variety of hikes every week. I signed up for this one last week and really had to push myself to attend. I hate walking into situations where I don't know anyone and other people know eachother. And I was worried whether I could keep up.

Granted, I should not have signed up for the hike with "speed hike" in the title!

Well, I was the slowest hiker...five men and one other woman. But I did finish the hike and caught up on the downhill. I think I can be proud of how I did. I struggled socially, which was not surprising...and for goodness sake I was out of breath trying to climb a steep trail. I will cut myself some slack.

I feel good that I gave it a try. I spoke with two of the guys and they were nice. One of them said I was hiking with the fastest of the meet-up hikers. I will do this again, hopefully with folks just a little slower : )

Quote of the day: I said to my friend "I think P will make a really good ex-husband".

Off to bed.