Today my husband came to see the kids as promised. He took them to the school science night and then brought them home and gave them dinner and had them take their baths. When I arrived home things seemed to be going smoothly.
After the kids went to bed, my husband came clean on his desperate need to get into his car before I drove it after the party. Apparently he had a pack of cigarettes in the car that he did not want me to see.
Seriously?
We both used to smoke in our 20's. It started in college like it does for many folks. We probably each smoked half a pack a day. It did not stop me, at least, from being active. While a smoker I also ran a marathon. Go figure. After going on a backpacking trip, where I did not smoke for a week, I decided to just not smoke again and quit. My husband quit with me. Both of us had a cigarette here and there for the first few years after. I remember one particularly bizarre situation where we visited my parents for my grandmothers birthday and all four of us (my mom, dad, husband and I) all smoked together. To think that in college we used to sneak away from the house to light up. Of course, my mother was doing the same thing.
Anyway, I have not smoked in years, and neither, I had thought, had my husband.
He said he had not had many. He commented that he had been very nervous about the birthday party. Fair enough. So was I.
I told him that it was ridiculous for him to lie about something like this. I told him that I had no trust in him and lying about these things does not help. He seemed to get that.
We would up having a good, long talk (kids were in bed). I told him that I felt guilty but that I feel like i am done. That i don't want to go through the last two years again. That I am okay and in fact know that I am fine on my own. He said their was no need for me to feel guilty. He does not seem to be any clearer on resolving his issues. He did not seem bothered by me saying I think I am done. Funny, on the one hand it would be nice if he wanted to try and convince me that we could make it work. On the other, it is easier to not have to deal with that.
He commented that he still wanted to plan grass in the yard. I told him that was fine but I need it to be clear that this is MY house. I am the one paying for it. I told him it is important we have some boundaries in this type of situation. He agreed.
Glad that I got that out. Felt giddy with relief when I was done : )
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