Is My Husband Like My Mother?

This is what was explored at the therapist today....started because the therapist is trying to get to the root of why I feel guilty that I don't want to try anymore with my husband. I told him that I feel guilty about almost everything...He asked why..I told him I am not sure but I get it from my mother. This led to how my mother makes me feel guilty. We talked about my mother making me feel guilty for not visiting and how I had tried to explain to her how being in the house they live in makes me miserable (my senior year of high school, when they moved to that house, was not one of my better times of my life). My mother did not find that valid. I told the therapist about how we moved my senior year of high school and how my parents (in my mother's words 15 years and several glasses of wine later) chose to move to Florida knowing that it was a choice between either my father being miserable or me being miserable and they chose me.

The therapist found it interesting that in a lot of ways my mom and my husband have disregarded my feelings. I was always the "wild" kid, even as an adult and even as I was not particularly wild. My mother pushed me to join a sorority against my wishes. She always "knew best". I finally started to say no around the time I was 20, which is when I met my husband.

On a side note, I mentioned to a friend today that my husband has always been pretty manipulative, but I think I don't want to admit to that, because if he is manipulative, and i have put up with that, then it ruins my image of myself being a bad-ass. .

The therapist feels that because I was used to being disregarded in my youth, having my husband disregard my feelings felt "normal".

The irony is that while this may indeed be true, I cannot see it as true. Which makes sense because if my feelings have truly been disregarded all of these years, how can I possibly believe that my feelings about this could be valid? Especially with all of my guilt. I am always willing to accept responsibility even when I shouldn't.

Tonight, for example, I gave my husband the separation papers and asked him to sign. He went on about how we had a good relationship until the kids came and that I am acting like the relationship was always bad. I told him that I am not saying the relationship was bad but two years is a long time to be miserable. He went on and on about how hard things had been for him. How he tried to be a good dad but couldn't reconcile being himself with being a dad....blah blah. He makes it about how HE is the victim. I have to keep reminding myself that I did NOT LEAVE HIM. I kept trying and was willing to keep trying. HE is the one that left.

Must be nice to never have to be responsible.

My mother and my husband do have some traits in common. But I am going to take good care of myself.