Either/Or

My thought today is this:

Either things in my life are more stable or I have drank enough coffee to not sense the chaos.

Regardless, what could have been a tough day wound up okay.

The kids saw "Dad" today. My daughter had had a friend write on her arm "Thank you daddy" with a heart. For what is she thanking him for?

It was awkward. My daughter seemed happy to see him but did not go to hug him. He went to hug me. I hugged him, but was not interested in doing so. As I sat in the car, watching him walk away with my daughter to see my son play soccer, I could not help but think "it looks like he gained weight" and "those shoes he is wearing are for teenagers!" and "same with the jeans". I felt no attraction. And what I found really interesting is that in the past, my husband would complain about his body and I would argue with him, telling him I thought he looked great. Now, all I can see are the imperfections he has been complaining about all this time. I feel bad about this. Then again, he had it made. I always told him how great he looked. That I thought he was handsome etc. And I really did. Now, the emotional drama has made him significantly less attractive to me.

The spent a few hours with him while I ran errands and went for a hike. It was nice to get away. Part of the great thing about my husband just up and leaving is that I appreciate any little break I get. Today felt like a bonus day! I am not so sure about having him in the house. I don't want him getting comfortable here. It will make it hard for me to keep my distance and I think that is ultimately what is best.

He did notice the dress and commented on it. And I did walk by and talk with my "crush". I felt very good about myself today. I also got in a great run during my lunch break.

My husband is going to figure out when he can see our son on his birthday, which is thursday. We will then see him again saturday for soccer and maybe some time watching the kids so i get a break.