Dear (Ex)Husband...

Dear (Ex) Husband,

I was weak yesterday and sort of wanted you back. It had been a rough day. Part of it was PMS and the emotions that come with that. Part was a friend cancelling a camping trip which led me to think "I have to rely on others to camp" and "maybe it is because they don't want to be around my kids" which led me to "I will never find a man willing to be a parent to my difficult kids". Which of course led me to despair. And apparently to the feeling that I should somehow be lucky to have you and all of your issues back.

When I saw you, I expressed feeling guilty that I "wanted to be done". Perhaps, subconsciously, I was looking for you to say that we were not done. That you were working hard on yourself and wanted to be a member of the family. Heck you made corn muffins yesterday. Anything is possible.

Of course you did not respond in such a way. Which made me sad though I am not sure why. It might be the whole 17 years together thing. Perhaps this is sadness that it is coming to an end. I had a rough day today too.

All of that being said, I am writing to thank you. See, silly me wanted to have a conversation with you tonight regarding my feelings of guilt. I am not clear myself if I want you to somehow absolve me of this guilt and tell me it is okay to move on, or if I want you to beg me to NOT move on.  But of course, when I texted you back TWO WHOLE MINUTES after receiving your text that you had arrived to your out of town destination (supposedly for work) and would see us monday, I did not hear back. At all. So I did what any sharp individual who had zero trust in their partner would do...I tried tracking your location by your phone. Because frankly, I am really not sure I believe you are where you said you are. Which come to think of it, you really never did say. Just that you were going south. But your phone is apparently off. I texted you on your work number and did not hear back from that either.

So here I am, feeling guilty because I don't want to wait an indeterminate period for you to get it together and you are completely unconcerned about communicating. As always. My friend asked "what if there is an emergency" when I told her your phone appeared to be off. I shrugged. In any sort of an emergency I would probably call one of my two closest friends first. By the time my husband got the message the crisis could have been long resolved.

I feel like I should thank you, for the reminder (again) of what I don't want in a partner. And for inadvertantly taking away my guilt. Seriously, why am I feeling guilty. You have just left town and shut off your phone for three days, not even two weeks after arriving back here. It is no wonder I want to be done with you and your disinterest in our family.

So regardless of how you feel, I am going to do my best to overcome these feelings of guilt. To not feel like I owe you something. I have given and given. It is okay that I am worn out and hoping that one day, I will get back from a relationship what I am putting into it.

Thank you again, for helping me to overcome my guilt.