This is what was explored at the therapist today....started because the therapist is trying to get to the root of why I feel guilty that I don't want to try anymore with my husband. I told him that I feel guilty about almost everything...He asked why..I told him I am not sure but I get it from my mother. This led to how my mother makes me feel guilty. We talked about my mother making me feel guilty for not visiting and how I had tried to explain to her how being in the house they live in makes me miserable (my senior year of high school, when they moved to that house, was not one of my better times of my life). My mother did not find that valid. I told the therapist about how we moved my senior year of high school and how my parents (in my mother's words 15 years and several glasses of wine later) chose to move to Florida knowing that it was a choice between either my father being miserable or me being miserable and they chose me.
The therapist found it interesting that in a lot of ways my mom and my husband have disregarded my feelings. I was always the "wild" kid, even as an adult and even as I was not particularly wild. My mother pushed me to join a sorority against my wishes. She always "knew best". I finally started to say no around the time I was 20, which is when I met my husband.
On a side note, I mentioned to a friend today that my husband has always been pretty manipulative, but I think I don't want to admit to that, because if he is manipulative, and i have put up with that, then it ruins my image of myself being a bad-ass. .
The therapist feels that because I was used to being disregarded in my youth, having my husband disregard my feelings felt "normal".
The irony is that while this may indeed be true, I cannot see it as true. Which makes sense because if my feelings have truly been disregarded all of these years, how can I possibly believe that my feelings about this could be valid? Especially with all of my guilt. I am always willing to accept responsibility even when I shouldn't.
Tonight, for example, I gave my husband the separation papers and asked him to sign. He went on about how we had a good relationship until the kids came and that I am acting like the relationship was always bad. I told him that I am not saying the relationship was bad but two years is a long time to be miserable. He went on and on about how hard things had been for him. How he tried to be a good dad but couldn't reconcile being himself with being a dad....blah blah. He makes it about how HE is the victim. I have to keep reminding myself that I did NOT LEAVE HIM. I kept trying and was willing to keep trying. HE is the one that left.
Must be nice to never have to be responsible.
My mother and my husband do have some traits in common. But I am going to take good care of myself.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Silly Things People Say
I find the things people say so amusing sometimes. I try to be supportive, I really do. But the baby thing, which has come up a lot recently, seems to make me lose my ability to empathize.
Another friend is due in a month. She was talking about how she is already worried about going back to work after her three month maternity leave. She has a flexible job. She will be working 32 hours a week. She has a wonderful, supportive husband. His mom will be providing 50% of the childcare the baby will have.
She is worried about how "she will do it all". Well by golly, I must be Superwoman. When my two were "born" into our family at 4 and 6, I took a few days off. I just had to make it work. I have worked and worked despite much drama, great needs, and many therapy appointments. I did not have time to worry when my husband left and I was now responsible for everything without the benefit of a partner or a local mother in law. I just had to make it work.
"Oh, but", my friend says, "with a newborn they are so dependent on you for everything". While my kids, she is inferring, now aged 6 and 8, can do more for themselves. Sure, that is true. But while the helpless baby stares at its mom lovingly, my son is calling me a "moron" and trying to slam the door with me leaning on it. He may be able to feed himself but there are an awful lot of unpleasant things he is able to do too.
I am not saying that a newborn is not exhausting. I am just saying that two kids with challenging needs are also exhausting. And throw in doing it alone and, well, as someone who is somehow getting through it, it is hard for me to sympathize with the recent mom who dreads returning to work, particularly in a part time, flexible situation.
I think my lack of options has managed to make me incredibly resilient. This is not to say I am a perfect mom because I know that is absolutely not true. I know there are things my kids are missing because I am trying to do so much. On the flip side there are skills they are acquiring and things they are learning as a result. My kids will know that women can have careers and be at the top of the game. They will know it does not take a man to make a household successful.
They will learn that you make it happen, even when it seems like there is no way that you can.
Another friend is due in a month. She was talking about how she is already worried about going back to work after her three month maternity leave. She has a flexible job. She will be working 32 hours a week. She has a wonderful, supportive husband. His mom will be providing 50% of the childcare the baby will have.
She is worried about how "she will do it all". Well by golly, I must be Superwoman. When my two were "born" into our family at 4 and 6, I took a few days off. I just had to make it work. I have worked and worked despite much drama, great needs, and many therapy appointments. I did not have time to worry when my husband left and I was now responsible for everything without the benefit of a partner or a local mother in law. I just had to make it work.
"Oh, but", my friend says, "with a newborn they are so dependent on you for everything". While my kids, she is inferring, now aged 6 and 8, can do more for themselves. Sure, that is true. But while the helpless baby stares at its mom lovingly, my son is calling me a "moron" and trying to slam the door with me leaning on it. He may be able to feed himself but there are an awful lot of unpleasant things he is able to do too.
I am not saying that a newborn is not exhausting. I am just saying that two kids with challenging needs are also exhausting. And throw in doing it alone and, well, as someone who is somehow getting through it, it is hard for me to sympathize with the recent mom who dreads returning to work, particularly in a part time, flexible situation.
I think my lack of options has managed to make me incredibly resilient. This is not to say I am a perfect mom because I know that is absolutely not true. I know there are things my kids are missing because I am trying to do so much. On the flip side there are skills they are acquiring and things they are learning as a result. My kids will know that women can have careers and be at the top of the game. They will know it does not take a man to make a household successful.
They will learn that you make it happen, even when it seems like there is no way that you can.
What Is A Partner?
I was asking myself this question yesterday for a few reasons:
Friday night when I got home there were boxes and boxes in front of my house. Turned out they were from my husband's dad...full of his childhood toys. Maybe his dad figured he had better send them before I changed my mind and did not let my husband have things delivered to the house. When I saw the boxes were gone, I hoped he had taken them to storage. I asked him about it and he said that he needed to clean out his storage shed and could he leave them in the garage until then? Otherwise, he said, he would have to leave them in the car and then there would be no room for the kids. Glad he can help with manipulation training. I found him storing the boxes in the garage irritating. Because I am paying for the house. And all household bills.
Then, when I got home from the pool with the kids, I noticed that a cat had gotten sick on Carlos' sheet. I cleaned it off and went to put it in the wash. His clothes were in the washer. Dude, you do not live here, remember? YOU are the one who moved out! I pay the mortgage, the electric, the water, the gas. Use your own washing machine!! Or at least get your crap out before I get home!
In the meantime, my friend was telling me how she and her husband really want to stick to owning just one car. So he bikes to work and back since she takes the kids to school. What a concept to work something out. I believe I had mentioned that when my husband wanted a new car, despite being 11 months from paying it off, he went and traded it in anyway, oh and leased it rather than purchased it. This was about a month before his departure.
While I had been in a partnership for 17 years, the reality is that we were more like two independent adults co-habitating. I wonder if, at almost 38, I am capable of being in a true partnership. What kind of partner can I be? Was I a good partner in this relationship? If not, can I be a good partner in the right relationship? Because we were so busy being independent we never had to coordinate. When the kids came and we suddenly had to, I suppose I proved that I was willing to compromise and work together. Through my husband's disappearing I suppose he proved that he was not.
Last night, I brought up to him that I was frustrated about the laundry. The laundry, I suppose, is representative of many other things of which I am frustrated. He did not seem to get it. Commented that he had been doing our laundry for almost 20 years so he had earned the right to do laundry. During all that time he was contributing in some way, even if it was just in purchasing food. Now, it is all me. I am responsible for all of the bills. His doing his laundry makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. He goes on about how he does not get home early enough to do his laundry at the home where he is living. Not my problem. He says that this is not the time to discuss this because he feels lousy after 3 hours at the kid fun place where he took the kids to a birthday party. I sort of lost it there. You feel lousy after 3 hours. You spend less than 10 hours per week with them. TRY SPENDING THE REST OF THEIR WAKING HOURS WITH THEM. AND working full time. AND maintaining this house. He goes on about how he tries to clean when he is with the kids to leave the house looking better than when he got there. That is nice and all. But our arrangement is this way because he does not live in a place where the kids could actually visit him.
Sigh. I don't think he gets it. I really wish the lawyer would send me the final separation papers so I can have him sign. Perhaps he will then realize that I am serious.
Friday night when I got home there were boxes and boxes in front of my house. Turned out they were from my husband's dad...full of his childhood toys. Maybe his dad figured he had better send them before I changed my mind and did not let my husband have things delivered to the house. When I saw the boxes were gone, I hoped he had taken them to storage. I asked him about it and he said that he needed to clean out his storage shed and could he leave them in the garage until then? Otherwise, he said, he would have to leave them in the car and then there would be no room for the kids. Glad he can help with manipulation training. I found him storing the boxes in the garage irritating. Because I am paying for the house. And all household bills.
Then, when I got home from the pool with the kids, I noticed that a cat had gotten sick on Carlos' sheet. I cleaned it off and went to put it in the wash. His clothes were in the washer. Dude, you do not live here, remember? YOU are the one who moved out! I pay the mortgage, the electric, the water, the gas. Use your own washing machine!! Or at least get your crap out before I get home!
In the meantime, my friend was telling me how she and her husband really want to stick to owning just one car. So he bikes to work and back since she takes the kids to school. What a concept to work something out. I believe I had mentioned that when my husband wanted a new car, despite being 11 months from paying it off, he went and traded it in anyway, oh and leased it rather than purchased it. This was about a month before his departure.
While I had been in a partnership for 17 years, the reality is that we were more like two independent adults co-habitating. I wonder if, at almost 38, I am capable of being in a true partnership. What kind of partner can I be? Was I a good partner in this relationship? If not, can I be a good partner in the right relationship? Because we were so busy being independent we never had to coordinate. When the kids came and we suddenly had to, I suppose I proved that I was willing to compromise and work together. Through my husband's disappearing I suppose he proved that he was not.
Last night, I brought up to him that I was frustrated about the laundry. The laundry, I suppose, is representative of many other things of which I am frustrated. He did not seem to get it. Commented that he had been doing our laundry for almost 20 years so he had earned the right to do laundry. During all that time he was contributing in some way, even if it was just in purchasing food. Now, it is all me. I am responsible for all of the bills. His doing his laundry makes me feel like I am being taken advantage of. He goes on about how he does not get home early enough to do his laundry at the home where he is living. Not my problem. He says that this is not the time to discuss this because he feels lousy after 3 hours at the kid fun place where he took the kids to a birthday party. I sort of lost it there. You feel lousy after 3 hours. You spend less than 10 hours per week with them. TRY SPENDING THE REST OF THEIR WAKING HOURS WITH THEM. AND working full time. AND maintaining this house. He goes on about how he tries to clean when he is with the kids to leave the house looking better than when he got there. That is nice and all. But our arrangement is this way because he does not live in a place where the kids could actually visit him.
Sigh. I don't think he gets it. I really wish the lawyer would send me the final separation papers so I can have him sign. Perhaps he will then realize that I am serious.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Stability?!
I have concluded that it takes 90 days to stabilize from this kind of thing. I am starting to be more productive at work. I am more emotionally stable. I actually feel happy a lot of the time!
I have been playing with internet dating. I had initially set up a profile to see that their were single men out there. I did not pay much attention to it. A few days back I got an email from someone and answered back for the heck of it. Well, several email later, I KNOW that he is not a fit for a future partner.
I noticed someone else on the site and thought "what the heck"? and sent him an email. Very honest and simple. I said I am not interested in rushing into anything. Just making a friend and if something happens, great. If he never answers, that is cool.
Not feeling desperate is nice : )
I actually signed up to attend a hike tonight with the meet-up group my friend convinced me to join. It would up being cancelled, but at least I actually signed up. Maybe next time I will get to go.
I still have a crush on the same guy. Because I am feeling pretty good about myself right now, I am frustrated that he is not expressing interest. Because he should, right? I think I am a good catch! Yet somewhere in my mind, I know it is better. Maybe in a few months he will notice me and I will be in a place to be noticed. I feel ridiculous being ready after only three months. But this was a long time coming. Regardless, I am enjoying my time being single. Right now, my (ex)husband is watching the kids and I am relaxing at the coffee shop. He is getting to deal with the discipline as my son called me a moron last night and drew on his wall with black marker. I am glad I don't have to spend time with someone.
If you know anyone going through this type of thing, let them know that 3 months into it, things will likely be a LOT better!
I have been playing with internet dating. I had initially set up a profile to see that their were single men out there. I did not pay much attention to it. A few days back I got an email from someone and answered back for the heck of it. Well, several email later, I KNOW that he is not a fit for a future partner.
I noticed someone else on the site and thought "what the heck"? and sent him an email. Very honest and simple. I said I am not interested in rushing into anything. Just making a friend and if something happens, great. If he never answers, that is cool.
Not feeling desperate is nice : )
I actually signed up to attend a hike tonight with the meet-up group my friend convinced me to join. It would up being cancelled, but at least I actually signed up. Maybe next time I will get to go.
I still have a crush on the same guy. Because I am feeling pretty good about myself right now, I am frustrated that he is not expressing interest. Because he should, right? I think I am a good catch! Yet somewhere in my mind, I know it is better. Maybe in a few months he will notice me and I will be in a place to be noticed. I feel ridiculous being ready after only three months. But this was a long time coming. Regardless, I am enjoying my time being single. Right now, my (ex)husband is watching the kids and I am relaxing at the coffee shop. He is getting to deal with the discipline as my son called me a moron last night and drew on his wall with black marker. I am glad I don't have to spend time with someone.
If you know anyone going through this type of thing, let them know that 3 months into it, things will likely be a LOT better!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
I Think I Get It Now....An Epiphany!
I am embarrassed to admit this but when someone emailed my sparse Match.com account, because I said my favorite hotspot is the Mountains, I responded.
He emailed back.
And then I realized something...
It was nice to get an email back. But it really did not matter. Because being single, with the benefit of the free babysitting provided by my (ex) husband, was really working for me. With someone regularly able to watch the kids, I have been able to get out and hike. To go out with a friend. To have a life. And I LIKE that I get to do what I want to do during that time and if I want to spend that time alone, I can.
This is why some people decided to not seek a relationship. I get it!
I feel liberated. I do not need a relationship.
Heck, right now I don't really want one. Okay, if my crush were to decide to ask me on a date I would say yes.
But I don't need to go looking. I can just do things I enjoy and see who I meet. I signed up for a hiking outing with a local meetup group. I figure I can meet fellow hikers to hike with. You can never have too many hiking buddies.
I am thrilled by this realization.
It feels good to feel good : )
He emailed back.
And then I realized something...
It was nice to get an email back. But it really did not matter. Because being single, with the benefit of the free babysitting provided by my (ex) husband, was really working for me. With someone regularly able to watch the kids, I have been able to get out and hike. To go out with a friend. To have a life. And I LIKE that I get to do what I want to do during that time and if I want to spend that time alone, I can.
This is why some people decided to not seek a relationship. I get it!
I feel liberated. I do not need a relationship.
Heck, right now I don't really want one. Okay, if my crush were to decide to ask me on a date I would say yes.
But I don't need to go looking. I can just do things I enjoy and see who I meet. I signed up for a hiking outing with a local meetup group. I figure I can meet fellow hikers to hike with. You can never have too many hiking buddies.
I am thrilled by this realization.
It feels good to feel good : )
Saturday, April 20, 2013
I Could Get Used to This....
I have to be honest…not having my husband home, but having
him living locally and helping out with the kids is working quite well. This
may just be an ideal arrangement. I feel sort of bad saying that. And perhaps
it is an “anything is better than nothing” mindset. When you have had no help,
any little bit you get feels huge.
Take this weekend. Yesterday I picked the kids up and took
them to therapy, then to swim with their friend. Brought them home, put them to
bed. This morning, we got up and met my husband (do I still call him that?) at
the coffee shop at 9:30. He then took snacks to my daughter’s soccer game (it
was our week but she has decided not to play) and I took the kids to my son’s
game. Husband met us at my son’s game. After the game, he hung out at the park
with the kids while I went to get some exercise. I got an hour hike in before
coming home and relieving him. He went to do whatever it is he wanted to do.
This was at about 1:30. At 5:30 he came back so that I could go and get a
coffee and then go “contra dancing” with a friend. He will put them to bed
while I am gone. Tomorrow he will have them from 9:30 until around 2 and he
plans to take them fishing. This will
give me time for a hike and hopefully to purchase and put in pots, some tomato
plants. I will then have the kids for the rest of the day.
This is working quite well for me. I got used to not doing
things with all four of us. It was usually me taking them to the park or to
friends’ houses. That has not changed. While it would be ideal to do things all
together, I sort of got over that. Now I am just enjoying the free babysitting.
And some time to myself : )
I will give them man credit. He has been reliable regarding
being with the kids. I am hoping he can keep it up. I can live like this. I can
be okay. I can handle being single. And they will still have a dad. And one who
behaves himself, as he seems to do okay in these bursts of time.
I don’t want to be back with him though. I am doing plenty
without him around and actually learning a lot. Yesterday, a friend of mine
from work realized she had a flat tire. For some reason, she texted me to see
if I knew how to change it. I told her no, but that we should figure it out. So
we went out to give it a try. Fortunately, a few of the guys we work with were
able to guide us and we actually did it. I am almost 38 and I have never
changed a tire myself. I have watched my husband do it. I have watched AAA do
it. But this time, it was ME. I got a good laugh because my friend said her dad
had tried to teach her and her grandpa had tried to teach her but she never
learned. I told her that no one in my family ever tried to teach me. Instead,
my father got me AAA and told me that I should renew it annually for $40 and
they would take care of it. Doing things yourself feels good. And trying new
things. Like this “contra dancing” which I had never heard of.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Knowing Your Audience
I believe I have mentioned this in a previous post...but I think it is important enough to merit its own post.
I feel the high school curriculum should include a new course. I will call it "Knowing Your Audience".
I got in a fight with my close friend/co-worker today. She is the friend who had a baby and just returned from maternity leave on monday. She is clearly unhappy to be at work. I am a very flexible supervisor with a mindset of "if you get your work done, I don't care about your schedule". You can do what you need to do in your personal life as long as you get your work done. I am like this with all employees, not just those with new babies.
She was complaining today about the job and how she did not want to do it. She went on and on about how she did not want to help people anymore. That she wanted a part time job. That she wanted a corporate job. Even the corporate job she left to take her current job was better than this job. She wanted a fluff job. She went on and on and on.
I tried to be supportive. I really did. But this is where knowing your audience is helpful. She is going on and on about how miserable she is with this job (after a 3 month break) and how she wants to work part time to someone who is doing her best to be positive about the job because she is essentially STUCK there regardless. Because who is going to hire me and allow me to go to three therapy appointments a week?! And working part time is clearly NOT an option for me. I need benefits. I don't have the option of being on my husband's. Oh and yes, I need the full time salary too. Because IT IS JUST ME. I will need to work full time until retirement. Assuming retirement is an option.
I finally told her that I am NOT the person for her to be talking to about this. It must be nice to have choices. She told me that I could get another job. Sure. And when do I tell them about all the flexibility I will need?
It is great that people feel like can tell me everything. But I sure wish they would think sometimes before they do.
My friend seems to feel that having a baby and working full time is so overwhelming. Her mom is the baby's daycare provider. I am not saying that it is not overwhelming. But this is the same friend who has not offered to help with my kids or cook a meal or anything since my husband left. It is like all she can see is how "hard" she has it. But being left by your husband with two special needs kids and all of the responsibility of a house AND a full time job is apparently a piece of cake.
I will say this. At therapy appointment #2 this week, I was sharing with the therapist what had been going on and realized that the kids have actually been doing pretty well.
Three months into single parenthood, we are doing alright.
I feel the high school curriculum should include a new course. I will call it "Knowing Your Audience".
I got in a fight with my close friend/co-worker today. She is the friend who had a baby and just returned from maternity leave on monday. She is clearly unhappy to be at work. I am a very flexible supervisor with a mindset of "if you get your work done, I don't care about your schedule". You can do what you need to do in your personal life as long as you get your work done. I am like this with all employees, not just those with new babies.
She was complaining today about the job and how she did not want to do it. She went on and on about how she did not want to help people anymore. That she wanted a part time job. That she wanted a corporate job. Even the corporate job she left to take her current job was better than this job. She wanted a fluff job. She went on and on and on.
I tried to be supportive. I really did. But this is where knowing your audience is helpful. She is going on and on about how miserable she is with this job (after a 3 month break) and how she wants to work part time to someone who is doing her best to be positive about the job because she is essentially STUCK there regardless. Because who is going to hire me and allow me to go to three therapy appointments a week?! And working part time is clearly NOT an option for me. I need benefits. I don't have the option of being on my husband's. Oh and yes, I need the full time salary too. Because IT IS JUST ME. I will need to work full time until retirement. Assuming retirement is an option.
I finally told her that I am NOT the person for her to be talking to about this. It must be nice to have choices. She told me that I could get another job. Sure. And when do I tell them about all the flexibility I will need?
It is great that people feel like can tell me everything. But I sure wish they would think sometimes before they do.
My friend seems to feel that having a baby and working full time is so overwhelming. Her mom is the baby's daycare provider. I am not saying that it is not overwhelming. But this is the same friend who has not offered to help with my kids or cook a meal or anything since my husband left. It is like all she can see is how "hard" she has it. But being left by your husband with two special needs kids and all of the responsibility of a house AND a full time job is apparently a piece of cake.
I will say this. At therapy appointment #2 this week, I was sharing with the therapist what had been going on and realized that the kids have actually been doing pretty well.
Three months into single parenthood, we are doing alright.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Bipolar
My current experience has given me a great deal of empathy for those who are living with Bipolar disorder. While I cannot know what it is like to be in that place, my mood swings of the last few months give me enough of an idea to know how difficult that must be.
Toward the latter part of last week I started to really struggle. By sunday afternoon, I was doing much better. By sunday night, I was euphoric. Near manic. I cleaned. I painted half of my bedroom. Did laundry. At 1am when I finally went to bed, I could not sleep.
Yesterday (monday), I was fine through the therapist visit. Around 5pm, a phone call with a friend triggered something. I hiked since my husband had the kids. By 7:30 I could not stop crying. At one point I texted my brother for positive reinforcement, asking him to please tell me there was a man out there for me. His answer had me laughing through my tears:
"There is a man out there for you," he said. "But he probably has shorter hair". My husband's hair is shoulder length.
Got home to the kids and had to communicate with my husband. I did a lot of crying. Telling him I was angry at him for putting me in this position. Having to think about how if I want a partner, I am going to have to go out and date. And that I don't want to be alone forever and that is mortifying to me. Because I want to be all independent. This is ruining my self image. I point out to him that he has never asked how I am doing with everything. He never asks how the kids are doing. He said something about feeling like he did not have the right to ask. Huh? It sort of feels like he either is not interested in the answer or does not want to deal with the answer. I bring up his inability to communicate. His not responding to my texts over the weekend. I talk about how I cannot trust him.
I cry. He cries. He leaves. This morning i was okay again. Tonight I am great. He was here and I handled it just fine. We had to call our oldest and I almost forgot what has been going on.
In the meantime I got a draft of the separation papers. I let him know that they are in process and he would get them soon. I asked if I should just divorce him and be done with it. He said that is not what he wanted. Ugh. Because when I am in this good place, I just want to be done.
Even the therapist pointed out that I seem to be doing much better since he has been out of the house. That I no longer seem so full of despair.
The therapist is right.
I told my husband that no matter what I want us to always be friends.
Toward the latter part of last week I started to really struggle. By sunday afternoon, I was doing much better. By sunday night, I was euphoric. Near manic. I cleaned. I painted half of my bedroom. Did laundry. At 1am when I finally went to bed, I could not sleep.
Yesterday (monday), I was fine through the therapist visit. Around 5pm, a phone call with a friend triggered something. I hiked since my husband had the kids. By 7:30 I could not stop crying. At one point I texted my brother for positive reinforcement, asking him to please tell me there was a man out there for me. His answer had me laughing through my tears:
"There is a man out there for you," he said. "But he probably has shorter hair". My husband's hair is shoulder length.
Got home to the kids and had to communicate with my husband. I did a lot of crying. Telling him I was angry at him for putting me in this position. Having to think about how if I want a partner, I am going to have to go out and date. And that I don't want to be alone forever and that is mortifying to me. Because I want to be all independent. This is ruining my self image. I point out to him that he has never asked how I am doing with everything. He never asks how the kids are doing. He said something about feeling like he did not have the right to ask. Huh? It sort of feels like he either is not interested in the answer or does not want to deal with the answer. I bring up his inability to communicate. His not responding to my texts over the weekend. I talk about how I cannot trust him.
I cry. He cries. He leaves. This morning i was okay again. Tonight I am great. He was here and I handled it just fine. We had to call our oldest and I almost forgot what has been going on.
In the meantime I got a draft of the separation papers. I let him know that they are in process and he would get them soon. I asked if I should just divorce him and be done with it. He said that is not what he wanted. Ugh. Because when I am in this good place, I just want to be done.
Even the therapist pointed out that I seem to be doing much better since he has been out of the house. That I no longer seem so full of despair.
The therapist is right.
I told my husband that no matter what I want us to always be friends.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Ignorance
This post has nothing to do with my husband.
It does, however, explain why the camping trip this weekend was cancelled.
The camping trip was to include three households:
Household 1: Myself, my son and my daughter
Household 2: My friend, her husband, her daughter, who is five, and twin sons age 2.
Household 3: A friend (more my friend's friend) and her daughter who is 4.
Initially it was just to be my family and Household 2. My friend than decided to invite Household 3.
Well apparently the mom of Household 3, who we will call "Gladys" told my friend (mom of Household 2) that she was concerned about going camping with us because "my son may have experienced sexual abuse" and that she was afraid he was playing inappropriately with her daughter. This because, once when the kids were together (my daughter, my son, the daughter of "Gladys" and the daughter of my friend) and "Gladys" went over, my son put his finger over his mouth and said "ssssh". "Gladys" assumes this meant he was up to no good, corrupting the younger kids. "Gladys" by the way, is a therapist. I had, apparently mistakenly, shared with "Gladys" that we had had to go through the safe house process for my daughter, who expressed experiencing abuse from a former foster family. This, combined with my son's sssshhh, meant that she must protect her daughter from "being corrupted" from my son who "likely had experienced abuse".
Sigh.
First, "Gladys" wanted to know how the adults in Household 2 would increase supervision so as to insure the safety of her daughter. Funny how she was not going to increase her own supervision. I am not clear if she thought my son was going to wake up in the middle of the night and travel to the other tents and start molesting younger girls. My son, keep in mind, is afraid of the dark. So he is not going to leave our tent to go to another tent in the middle of the night.
My friend, mom of Household 2, defended us. She said what my kids need is love, not judgement. She encouraged "Gladys" to voice her concerns to me. She did not. The last time they saw one another, apparently "Gladys" would not even look at her.
Nice.
First off, the age difference between four and eight is signficant. Perhaps "Gladys" should keep her daughter from all boys ages 8 and up for fear they may know some things that her daughter does not yet know.
Second, my son is never alone with your daughter. And if you have concerns, make sure you are supervising.
I am not sure what "Gladys" expected my friend to do. But apparently, the fact that my friend did not agree with her made her very upset.
This situation makes me very sad. Sad for my kids, who may be pre-judged like this for years. Sad for "Gladys'" daughter, who will likely never understand why she had these friends and then suddenly did not have them anymore. Sad for my friend, the mom of Household 2, for all she is going through in dealing with this situation and possibly losing "Gladys" as a friend.
And then I am scared. Scared that we will have to deal with this type of ignorance for years. Sad that my kids and I will lose friends over fear and ignorance. And scared that this type of irrational fear could wind up being a deal breaker as I start looking for potential partners.
Just a lousy situation.
It does, however, explain why the camping trip this weekend was cancelled.
The camping trip was to include three households:
Household 1: Myself, my son and my daughter
Household 2: My friend, her husband, her daughter, who is five, and twin sons age 2.
Household 3: A friend (more my friend's friend) and her daughter who is 4.
Initially it was just to be my family and Household 2. My friend than decided to invite Household 3.
Well apparently the mom of Household 3, who we will call "Gladys" told my friend (mom of Household 2) that she was concerned about going camping with us because "my son may have experienced sexual abuse" and that she was afraid he was playing inappropriately with her daughter. This because, once when the kids were together (my daughter, my son, the daughter of "Gladys" and the daughter of my friend) and "Gladys" went over, my son put his finger over his mouth and said "ssssh". "Gladys" assumes this meant he was up to no good, corrupting the younger kids. "Gladys" by the way, is a therapist. I had, apparently mistakenly, shared with "Gladys" that we had had to go through the safe house process for my daughter, who expressed experiencing abuse from a former foster family. This, combined with my son's sssshhh, meant that she must protect her daughter from "being corrupted" from my son who "likely had experienced abuse".
Sigh.
First, "Gladys" wanted to know how the adults in Household 2 would increase supervision so as to insure the safety of her daughter. Funny how she was not going to increase her own supervision. I am not clear if she thought my son was going to wake up in the middle of the night and travel to the other tents and start molesting younger girls. My son, keep in mind, is afraid of the dark. So he is not going to leave our tent to go to another tent in the middle of the night.
My friend, mom of Household 2, defended us. She said what my kids need is love, not judgement. She encouraged "Gladys" to voice her concerns to me. She did not. The last time they saw one another, apparently "Gladys" would not even look at her.
Nice.
First off, the age difference between four and eight is signficant. Perhaps "Gladys" should keep her daughter from all boys ages 8 and up for fear they may know some things that her daughter does not yet know.
Second, my son is never alone with your daughter. And if you have concerns, make sure you are supervising.
I am not sure what "Gladys" expected my friend to do. But apparently, the fact that my friend did not agree with her made her very upset.
This situation makes me very sad. Sad for my kids, who may be pre-judged like this for years. Sad for "Gladys'" daughter, who will likely never understand why she had these friends and then suddenly did not have them anymore. Sad for my friend, the mom of Household 2, for all she is going through in dealing with this situation and possibly losing "Gladys" as a friend.
And then I am scared. Scared that we will have to deal with this type of ignorance for years. Sad that my kids and I will lose friends over fear and ignorance. And scared that this type of irrational fear could wind up being a deal breaker as I start looking for potential partners.
Just a lousy situation.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Dear (Ex)Husband...
Dear (Ex) Husband,
I was weak yesterday and sort of wanted you back. It had been a rough day. Part of it was PMS and the emotions that come with that. Part was a friend cancelling a camping trip which led me to think "I have to rely on others to camp" and "maybe it is because they don't want to be around my kids" which led me to "I will never find a man willing to be a parent to my difficult kids". Which of course led me to despair. And apparently to the feeling that I should somehow be lucky to have you and all of your issues back.
When I saw you, I expressed feeling guilty that I "wanted to be done". Perhaps, subconsciously, I was looking for you to say that we were not done. That you were working hard on yourself and wanted to be a member of the family. Heck you made corn muffins yesterday. Anything is possible.
Of course you did not respond in such a way. Which made me sad though I am not sure why. It might be the whole 17 years together thing. Perhaps this is sadness that it is coming to an end. I had a rough day today too.
All of that being said, I am writing to thank you. See, silly me wanted to have a conversation with you tonight regarding my feelings of guilt. I am not clear myself if I want you to somehow absolve me of this guilt and tell me it is okay to move on, or if I want you to beg me to NOT move on. But of course, when I texted you back TWO WHOLE MINUTES after receiving your text that you had arrived to your out of town destination (supposedly for work) and would see us monday, I did not hear back. At all. So I did what any sharp individual who had zero trust in their partner would do...I tried tracking your location by your phone. Because frankly, I am really not sure I believe you are where you said you are. Which come to think of it, you really never did say. Just that you were going south. But your phone is apparently off. I texted you on your work number and did not hear back from that either.
So here I am, feeling guilty because I don't want to wait an indeterminate period for you to get it together and you are completely unconcerned about communicating. As always. My friend asked "what if there is an emergency" when I told her your phone appeared to be off. I shrugged. In any sort of an emergency I would probably call one of my two closest friends first. By the time my husband got the message the crisis could have been long resolved.
I feel like I should thank you, for the reminder (again) of what I don't want in a partner. And for inadvertantly taking away my guilt. Seriously, why am I feeling guilty. You have just left town and shut off your phone for three days, not even two weeks after arriving back here. It is no wonder I want to be done with you and your disinterest in our family.
So regardless of how you feel, I am going to do my best to overcome these feelings of guilt. To not feel like I owe you something. I have given and given. It is okay that I am worn out and hoping that one day, I will get back from a relationship what I am putting into it.
Thank you again, for helping me to overcome my guilt.
I was weak yesterday and sort of wanted you back. It had been a rough day. Part of it was PMS and the emotions that come with that. Part was a friend cancelling a camping trip which led me to think "I have to rely on others to camp" and "maybe it is because they don't want to be around my kids" which led me to "I will never find a man willing to be a parent to my difficult kids". Which of course led me to despair. And apparently to the feeling that I should somehow be lucky to have you and all of your issues back.
When I saw you, I expressed feeling guilty that I "wanted to be done". Perhaps, subconsciously, I was looking for you to say that we were not done. That you were working hard on yourself and wanted to be a member of the family. Heck you made corn muffins yesterday. Anything is possible.
Of course you did not respond in such a way. Which made me sad though I am not sure why. It might be the whole 17 years together thing. Perhaps this is sadness that it is coming to an end. I had a rough day today too.
All of that being said, I am writing to thank you. See, silly me wanted to have a conversation with you tonight regarding my feelings of guilt. I am not clear myself if I want you to somehow absolve me of this guilt and tell me it is okay to move on, or if I want you to beg me to NOT move on. But of course, when I texted you back TWO WHOLE MINUTES after receiving your text that you had arrived to your out of town destination (supposedly for work) and would see us monday, I did not hear back. At all. So I did what any sharp individual who had zero trust in their partner would do...I tried tracking your location by your phone. Because frankly, I am really not sure I believe you are where you said you are. Which come to think of it, you really never did say. Just that you were going south. But your phone is apparently off. I texted you on your work number and did not hear back from that either.
So here I am, feeling guilty because I don't want to wait an indeterminate period for you to get it together and you are completely unconcerned about communicating. As always. My friend asked "what if there is an emergency" when I told her your phone appeared to be off. I shrugged. In any sort of an emergency I would probably call one of my two closest friends first. By the time my husband got the message the crisis could have been long resolved.
I feel like I should thank you, for the reminder (again) of what I don't want in a partner. And for inadvertantly taking away my guilt. Seriously, why am I feeling guilty. You have just left town and shut off your phone for three days, not even two weeks after arriving back here. It is no wonder I want to be done with you and your disinterest in our family.
So regardless of how you feel, I am going to do my best to overcome these feelings of guilt. To not feel like I owe you something. I have given and given. It is okay that I am worn out and hoping that one day, I will get back from a relationship what I am putting into it.
Thank you again, for helping me to overcome my guilt.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The Truth...
Today my husband came to see the kids as promised. He took them to the school science night and then brought them home and gave them dinner and had them take their baths. When I arrived home things seemed to be going smoothly.
After the kids went to bed, my husband came clean on his desperate need to get into his car before I drove it after the party. Apparently he had a pack of cigarettes in the car that he did not want me to see.
Seriously?
We both used to smoke in our 20's. It started in college like it does for many folks. We probably each smoked half a pack a day. It did not stop me, at least, from being active. While a smoker I also ran a marathon. Go figure. After going on a backpacking trip, where I did not smoke for a week, I decided to just not smoke again and quit. My husband quit with me. Both of us had a cigarette here and there for the first few years after. I remember one particularly bizarre situation where we visited my parents for my grandmothers birthday and all four of us (my mom, dad, husband and I) all smoked together. To think that in college we used to sneak away from the house to light up. Of course, my mother was doing the same thing.
Anyway, I have not smoked in years, and neither, I had thought, had my husband.
He said he had not had many. He commented that he had been very nervous about the birthday party. Fair enough. So was I.
I told him that it was ridiculous for him to lie about something like this. I told him that I had no trust in him and lying about these things does not help. He seemed to get that.
We would up having a good, long talk (kids were in bed). I told him that I felt guilty but that I feel like i am done. That i don't want to go through the last two years again. That I am okay and in fact know that I am fine on my own. He said their was no need for me to feel guilty. He does not seem to be any clearer on resolving his issues. He did not seem bothered by me saying I think I am done. Funny, on the one hand it would be nice if he wanted to try and convince me that we could make it work. On the other, it is easier to not have to deal with that.
He commented that he still wanted to plan grass in the yard. I told him that was fine but I need it to be clear that this is MY house. I am the one paying for it. I told him it is important we have some boundaries in this type of situation. He agreed.
Glad that I got that out. Felt giddy with relief when I was done : )
After the kids went to bed, my husband came clean on his desperate need to get into his car before I drove it after the party. Apparently he had a pack of cigarettes in the car that he did not want me to see.
Seriously?
We both used to smoke in our 20's. It started in college like it does for many folks. We probably each smoked half a pack a day. It did not stop me, at least, from being active. While a smoker I also ran a marathon. Go figure. After going on a backpacking trip, where I did not smoke for a week, I decided to just not smoke again and quit. My husband quit with me. Both of us had a cigarette here and there for the first few years after. I remember one particularly bizarre situation where we visited my parents for my grandmothers birthday and all four of us (my mom, dad, husband and I) all smoked together. To think that in college we used to sneak away from the house to light up. Of course, my mother was doing the same thing.
Anyway, I have not smoked in years, and neither, I had thought, had my husband.
He said he had not had many. He commented that he had been very nervous about the birthday party. Fair enough. So was I.
I told him that it was ridiculous for him to lie about something like this. I told him that I had no trust in him and lying about these things does not help. He seemed to get that.
We would up having a good, long talk (kids were in bed). I told him that I felt guilty but that I feel like i am done. That i don't want to go through the last two years again. That I am okay and in fact know that I am fine on my own. He said their was no need for me to feel guilty. He does not seem to be any clearer on resolving his issues. He did not seem bothered by me saying I think I am done. Funny, on the one hand it would be nice if he wanted to try and convince me that we could make it work. On the other, it is easier to not have to deal with that.
He commented that he still wanted to plan grass in the yard. I told him that was fine but I need it to be clear that this is MY house. I am the one paying for it. I told him it is important we have some boundaries in this type of situation. He agreed.
Glad that I got that out. Felt giddy with relief when I was done : )
Monday, April 8, 2013
Surviving The Birthday Party
Yesterday was my son's birthday party. With my husband in attendance. I am proud to say we survived.
It was awkward. Which I knew it would be. Of those who attended the party, all but three of the adults knew my husband personally. All of the adults knew of his disappearance.
I kept reminding myself it was WAY more awkward for him. Which was likely true. But I still don't like things to be awkward.
One of my friends marched right over to him and struck up a conversation. She said she figured she would see him over the years so why not start right away.
He mostly skated with the kids. Which was good. It got me out of skating and I was able to speak with the parents of the kids who came to the party.
As the party wound down, my husband asked if I wanted him to help with the kids at all. I had made plans for us to visit a friend and told him so. I asked if he could bring them home so I could make a quick stop at the store. He said fine and said he was going to go move the seats from my car to his. I told him not to bother; that I would take his car, being that I was not going far and it would be easier to just switch the keys.
Well, apparently there was something he wanted to go do in the car before handing over the keys. He then said well, he would go get his work bag out of the car and be right back. I told him that there would not be time to work, that I would literally be 15 minutes behind him. So then he was going to get the gifts he had for the kids out...
I finally just did not argue. Let him go to the car. Whatever.
I could not help but wonder what it was that was so necessary to go to the car for. When I did get into the car it looked neat, though he has a whole bunch of stuff in the back area (the Soul's version of a trunk). Makes me wonder if he really has a place he is living.
I confronted him on this when I got home after stopping at the store. He said something about wanting to pick up a granola bar wrapper and straighten up the car a little. Seriously? I mean, really, I am the messy one. I am the one who drives around in a car that is trashed. At least now i have the kids to justify the mess.
He then said he did not want me to think he was living in the car. Maybe he is.
I was talking to my friend today about this. He made the "mistake" of asking about the party. I realized when talking to him that I was not sure why it mattered that he made such a big deal about having to go to the car. I think part of it is that this man who I have lived with for 17 years, has sort of become a stranger to me. It just feels so odd.
So whatever he was hiding, oh well. If he is hiding evidence of a girlfriend, I wish her luck. I joked with my friend that "more power to him" if he has found someone willing to put up with him, because I am not.
Had the therapist appointment today and he commented that I seemed to be doing really well. I told him that actually, I was.
It was awkward. Which I knew it would be. Of those who attended the party, all but three of the adults knew my husband personally. All of the adults knew of his disappearance.
I kept reminding myself it was WAY more awkward for him. Which was likely true. But I still don't like things to be awkward.
One of my friends marched right over to him and struck up a conversation. She said she figured she would see him over the years so why not start right away.
He mostly skated with the kids. Which was good. It got me out of skating and I was able to speak with the parents of the kids who came to the party.
As the party wound down, my husband asked if I wanted him to help with the kids at all. I had made plans for us to visit a friend and told him so. I asked if he could bring them home so I could make a quick stop at the store. He said fine and said he was going to go move the seats from my car to his. I told him not to bother; that I would take his car, being that I was not going far and it would be easier to just switch the keys.
Well, apparently there was something he wanted to go do in the car before handing over the keys. He then said well, he would go get his work bag out of the car and be right back. I told him that there would not be time to work, that I would literally be 15 minutes behind him. So then he was going to get the gifts he had for the kids out...
I finally just did not argue. Let him go to the car. Whatever.
I could not help but wonder what it was that was so necessary to go to the car for. When I did get into the car it looked neat, though he has a whole bunch of stuff in the back area (the Soul's version of a trunk). Makes me wonder if he really has a place he is living.
I confronted him on this when I got home after stopping at the store. He said something about wanting to pick up a granola bar wrapper and straighten up the car a little. Seriously? I mean, really, I am the messy one. I am the one who drives around in a car that is trashed. At least now i have the kids to justify the mess.
He then said he did not want me to think he was living in the car. Maybe he is.
I was talking to my friend today about this. He made the "mistake" of asking about the party. I realized when talking to him that I was not sure why it mattered that he made such a big deal about having to go to the car. I think part of it is that this man who I have lived with for 17 years, has sort of become a stranger to me. It just feels so odd.
So whatever he was hiding, oh well. If he is hiding evidence of a girlfriend, I wish her luck. I joked with my friend that "more power to him" if he has found someone willing to put up with him, because I am not.
Had the therapist appointment today and he commented that I seemed to be doing really well. I told him that actually, I was.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Giving Credit Where Credit Is Due....
I have written plenty of negative things my husband has done so it feels only right to share the positive.
1. He showed up to see the kids today
2. He did some good cleaning of the house.
I told a friend I would give him "points" for the effort. My friend joked she hoped I was not giving him too many.
I appreciate the reminder, as I am not interested in being lulled into complacency and accepting the bare minimum.
On another note, I want to comment on a comment that showed up on my email but does not seem to show up here. A friend, whose feedback I value greatly, pointed out that if I did not avoid seeing my "crush" my husband would not ever look good to me again. I appreciate her point and will agree to an extent that is likely true. However in my case it may be a good thing that my husband does not look good to me. It would be easy to take him back and fall into the same miserable situation I was in a few months ago. But I don't want that. I was not happy. He was not happy. It was impacting the kids.
Every situation/relationship is different. I have a good friend who is having trouble with her husband. She says there is no spark, no romance, that they don't even talk. She is the first one to tell you, however, how good he is with their kids. How their five year old is reading due to his efforts. That they are avoiding 2k a month in daycare costs with him being the full time at home parent. Has the love faded? Sure. But he contributes to the family.
I have another friend currently in marriage therapy. She will tell you that they are struggling but that he is trying. He goes to therapy. He does the "homework" no matter how silly.
Unfortunately, in the case of my husband, he was not a contributer to our family. At least a positive one. He did not bring income, or childcare. He brought a lot of drama and a lot of stress. He was not willing to work on anything. When the therapist recommended date nights, my husband scoffed, insisting he was not going to schedule time to hang out with me. He wanted it to be like it was. Which it no longer could be.
While this could change, over the last few weeks, I have for the most part, felt pretty good. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Last night, I was at the pool with my kids and a friend and her stepdaughter. I was watching another family in the pool-a mom a dad and a little girl. The dad was great, interactive and playful with the little girl. In the past, I would have gotten weepy, wondering why my husband could not be at all like this man. This time, I did not have that thought. Instead, my thought was "maybe one day I will meet a guy who is like this guy". So much more hopeful and positive.
1. He showed up to see the kids today
2. He did some good cleaning of the house.
I told a friend I would give him "points" for the effort. My friend joked she hoped I was not giving him too many.
I appreciate the reminder, as I am not interested in being lulled into complacency and accepting the bare minimum.
On another note, I want to comment on a comment that showed up on my email but does not seem to show up here. A friend, whose feedback I value greatly, pointed out that if I did not avoid seeing my "crush" my husband would not ever look good to me again. I appreciate her point and will agree to an extent that is likely true. However in my case it may be a good thing that my husband does not look good to me. It would be easy to take him back and fall into the same miserable situation I was in a few months ago. But I don't want that. I was not happy. He was not happy. It was impacting the kids.
Every situation/relationship is different. I have a good friend who is having trouble with her husband. She says there is no spark, no romance, that they don't even talk. She is the first one to tell you, however, how good he is with their kids. How their five year old is reading due to his efforts. That they are avoiding 2k a month in daycare costs with him being the full time at home parent. Has the love faded? Sure. But he contributes to the family.
I have another friend currently in marriage therapy. She will tell you that they are struggling but that he is trying. He goes to therapy. He does the "homework" no matter how silly.
Unfortunately, in the case of my husband, he was not a contributer to our family. At least a positive one. He did not bring income, or childcare. He brought a lot of drama and a lot of stress. He was not willing to work on anything. When the therapist recommended date nights, my husband scoffed, insisting he was not going to schedule time to hang out with me. He wanted it to be like it was. Which it no longer could be.
While this could change, over the last few weeks, I have for the most part, felt pretty good. I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Last night, I was at the pool with my kids and a friend and her stepdaughter. I was watching another family in the pool-a mom a dad and a little girl. The dad was great, interactive and playful with the little girl. In the past, I would have gotten weepy, wondering why my husband could not be at all like this man. This time, I did not have that thought. Instead, my thought was "maybe one day I will meet a guy who is like this guy". So much more hopeful and positive.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Behaviors, Birthday and My Evolving Crush
Well the behaviors are in full swing with my husband back in town.
Interestingly, my son seems to be doing okay. My daughter has been a weepy, whiny, miserable mess. She is being rude to the after school teachers, telling them she does not like them. She is crying over EVERYTHING. I appreciate that this is confusing for her. I am not sure how to help her understand that she will see daddy sometimes but not every day. She had made a card for him saying "thank you" and "I love you". I am like, where is MY card? Who is the one who is ACTUALLY HERE FOR YOU?
Fortunately, even though he had to work tonight, my husband did see our son for his birthday. He went to his school with a box of donuts for the kids in his class. I think that thrilled my son. I am envious of my husband. He does the bare minimum and the kids are over the moon. I do everything and it is taken for granted.
I gave my my son a pocket knife, which he really wanted after learning to use one while camping. He agreed to the rules...that I am the holder of the pocket knife unless we are somewhere that a pocket knife is appropriate. Like camping. We also gave him a DS, that we had gotten for Christmas but had not given him. He was very excited about that!
Since tuesday I have had a daily conversation with my "crush" and am no longer concerned that camping did not go well. Boy can the two of us talk. And talk. He is easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. I don't want to have a crush on him because ultimately, once I feel it is okay to think about dating, I will risk rejection. I don't like rejection. But talking to him feels good. He makes me smile. I roll my eyes as I write this, but we sure seem to be compatible in a number of ways. Not only do we enjoy the same things but we have had similar life experiences. Our sons are difficult in many of the same ways. Where my son would overwhelm many men, I doubt he would bat an eye. The behaviors are that similar. We both enjoy being alone and don't have a problem doing things by ourselves. It is hard not to fantasize. There is an age difference (not sure how much but I am going to guess from some things he has said he is a good ten years older than I am) but you would not necessarily know it. I like to see that as a positive, as hopefully he is past his midlife crisis.
Sometimes, I feel like I am sort of flirting with him. Though I am not much of a flirt so that is likely not the case. In a weird way, I almost feel like the two of us are tap dancing around the fact that we are interested...then I think I am just having wishful thinking.
I remind myself of several things...first, I am not in a position to date. I need to get the separation papers completed, signed and submitted. Second, once it is appropriate to think of dating, there is no reason he should not be interested short of having someone.
Interestingly, my son seems to be doing okay. My daughter has been a weepy, whiny, miserable mess. She is being rude to the after school teachers, telling them she does not like them. She is crying over EVERYTHING. I appreciate that this is confusing for her. I am not sure how to help her understand that she will see daddy sometimes but not every day. She had made a card for him saying "thank you" and "I love you". I am like, where is MY card? Who is the one who is ACTUALLY HERE FOR YOU?
Fortunately, even though he had to work tonight, my husband did see our son for his birthday. He went to his school with a box of donuts for the kids in his class. I think that thrilled my son. I am envious of my husband. He does the bare minimum and the kids are over the moon. I do everything and it is taken for granted.
I gave my my son a pocket knife, which he really wanted after learning to use one while camping. He agreed to the rules...that I am the holder of the pocket knife unless we are somewhere that a pocket knife is appropriate. Like camping. We also gave him a DS, that we had gotten for Christmas but had not given him. He was very excited about that!
Since tuesday I have had a daily conversation with my "crush" and am no longer concerned that camping did not go well. Boy can the two of us talk. And talk. He is easy to talk to and we have a lot in common. I don't want to have a crush on him because ultimately, once I feel it is okay to think about dating, I will risk rejection. I don't like rejection. But talking to him feels good. He makes me smile. I roll my eyes as I write this, but we sure seem to be compatible in a number of ways. Not only do we enjoy the same things but we have had similar life experiences. Our sons are difficult in many of the same ways. Where my son would overwhelm many men, I doubt he would bat an eye. The behaviors are that similar. We both enjoy being alone and don't have a problem doing things by ourselves. It is hard not to fantasize. There is an age difference (not sure how much but I am going to guess from some things he has said he is a good ten years older than I am) but you would not necessarily know it. I like to see that as a positive, as hopefully he is past his midlife crisis.
Sometimes, I feel like I am sort of flirting with him. Though I am not much of a flirt so that is likely not the case. In a weird way, I almost feel like the two of us are tap dancing around the fact that we are interested...then I think I am just having wishful thinking.
I remind myself of several things...first, I am not in a position to date. I need to get the separation papers completed, signed and submitted. Second, once it is appropriate to think of dating, there is no reason he should not be interested short of having someone.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Either/Or
My thought today is this:
Either things in my life are more stable or I have drank enough coffee to not sense the chaos.
Regardless, what could have been a tough day wound up okay.
The kids saw "Dad" today. My daughter had had a friend write on her arm "Thank you daddy" with a heart. For what is she thanking him for?
It was awkward. My daughter seemed happy to see him but did not go to hug him. He went to hug me. I hugged him, but was not interested in doing so. As I sat in the car, watching him walk away with my daughter to see my son play soccer, I could not help but think "it looks like he gained weight" and "those shoes he is wearing are for teenagers!" and "same with the jeans". I felt no attraction. And what I found really interesting is that in the past, my husband would complain about his body and I would argue with him, telling him I thought he looked great. Now, all I can see are the imperfections he has been complaining about all this time. I feel bad about this. Then again, he had it made. I always told him how great he looked. That I thought he was handsome etc. And I really did. Now, the emotional drama has made him significantly less attractive to me.
The spent a few hours with him while I ran errands and went for a hike. It was nice to get away. Part of the great thing about my husband just up and leaving is that I appreciate any little break I get. Today felt like a bonus day! I am not so sure about having him in the house. I don't want him getting comfortable here. It will make it hard for me to keep my distance and I think that is ultimately what is best.
He did notice the dress and commented on it. And I did walk by and talk with my "crush". I felt very good about myself today. I also got in a great run during my lunch break.
My husband is going to figure out when he can see our son on his birthday, which is thursday. We will then see him again saturday for soccer and maybe some time watching the kids so i get a break.
Either things in my life are more stable or I have drank enough coffee to not sense the chaos.
Regardless, what could have been a tough day wound up okay.
The kids saw "Dad" today. My daughter had had a friend write on her arm "Thank you daddy" with a heart. For what is she thanking him for?
It was awkward. My daughter seemed happy to see him but did not go to hug him. He went to hug me. I hugged him, but was not interested in doing so. As I sat in the car, watching him walk away with my daughter to see my son play soccer, I could not help but think "it looks like he gained weight" and "those shoes he is wearing are for teenagers!" and "same with the jeans". I felt no attraction. And what I found really interesting is that in the past, my husband would complain about his body and I would argue with him, telling him I thought he looked great. Now, all I can see are the imperfections he has been complaining about all this time. I feel bad about this. Then again, he had it made. I always told him how great he looked. That I thought he was handsome etc. And I really did. Now, the emotional drama has made him significantly less attractive to me.
The spent a few hours with him while I ran errands and went for a hike. It was nice to get away. Part of the great thing about my husband just up and leaving is that I appreciate any little break I get. Today felt like a bonus day! I am not so sure about having him in the house. I don't want him getting comfortable here. It will make it hard for me to keep my distance and I think that is ultimately what is best.
He did notice the dress and commented on it. And I did walk by and talk with my "crush". I felt very good about myself today. I also got in a great run during my lunch break.
My husband is going to figure out when he can see our son on his birthday, which is thursday. We will then see him again saturday for soccer and maybe some time watching the kids so i get a break.
He's Back....
My husband is back in town. We are going to see him tonight. I told the kids on sunday that "daddy would be back but that he is going to live somewhere else". My daughter started to cry. Within 30 seconds she had stopped. They did not ask much. Just "why?" and I said "sometimes it is better for moms and dads to NOT live together". It was easier than I had thought.
Last night, I was running errands and found this black dress at TJ Maxx. It was $20 and it looks good on me. I am wearing it now. Figure I may as well show him how good I look. And heck, while I am at it I may walk by the office of my "crush".
I am not holding my breath for my husband or for the crush. I am just "being". Yesterday the therapist told me that was a very zen way of looking at things. Yes, I am going for zen. Since I cannot control or even know what is going on in anyone else's head I am not even going to try. We will see how long this lasts.
For now, I know that I look HOT for almost 38 and heck, really for someone of any age. I still need a haircut. If husband actually does pull some weight, maybe I will have some time.
Last night, I was running errands and found this black dress at TJ Maxx. It was $20 and it looks good on me. I am wearing it now. Figure I may as well show him how good I look. And heck, while I am at it I may walk by the office of my "crush".
I am not holding my breath for my husband or for the crush. I am just "being". Yesterday the therapist told me that was a very zen way of looking at things. Yes, I am going for zen. Since I cannot control or even know what is going on in anyone else's head I am not even going to try. We will see how long this lasts.
For now, I know that I look HOT for almost 38 and heck, really for someone of any age. I still need a haircut. If husband actually does pull some weight, maybe I will have some time.
Facebook Status
Logged onto FACEBOOK today and noticed a friend from college days had changed his status from "married" to "single". Huh. He got married sometime in his 30's (he is 38 or 39 now). Not sure what happened as this is not someone I am close to. It made me think that nothing is official anymore until you announce it on FACEBOOK for your 200 something family or friends to be updated. I think once I have to change my status I will just take down my page. Maybe start a new one. Don't need all these "friends" wondering what went on like I am wondering about my friend.
I may contact him at sometime just to commiserate. This is so terrible to say but it is almost a relief to see someone else I know in a similar situation. I feel horrible saying that. Sometimes I feel very alone and struggling with this and it is clear that in the world at large I am not.
I may contact him at sometime just to commiserate. This is so terrible to say but it is almost a relief to see someone else I know in a similar situation. I feel horrible saying that. Sometimes I feel very alone and struggling with this and it is clear that in the world at large I am not.
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