Plenty to update...my birthday was on Friday of last week and I turned 38..the day before I went to dinner with a friend and her husband. I took Friday off and got to go on a 27 mile bike ride which was awesome! My longest in some time. I did some shopping for the camping trip we were going on the next day as well as for a small BBQ that night for my birthday and the birthdays of two friends.
The BBQ was nice. My crush did not come, which was a bummer but also a relief. After the get together things got interesting.
One of my friends has been interested in having me meet someone she knows through work who is divorced and interested in deleting people. She had wanted to set us up on a blind date which he was uncomfortable with. She came up with an idea and so a plan had been set for us to meet in a casual environment with a focus in order to eliminate as much awkwardness as possible.
She was telling our other friend about the meeting. It might get complicated here so i am going to assign letters to the two men involved to identify them. We will call my "crush" "O". We will call the set up guy "M".
Apparently she said something about how she thought that O and I could be a good match but that I did not seem interested in O, possibly because of discomfort of our working together. So she wanted me to meet M. Funny because I feel like my crush on O is written all over my face.
Because this is how I operate, I started to panic. What if O has been telling my friend he is interested and she is telling him to look elsewhere because I am not. I am sure M is cool and ultimately M may be a great match (or not). But I am definitely interested in O. Honestly I can care less about dating
right now unless I am thinking about O. Since M comes highly recommended I will meet him. But
the online stuff is not appealing. I don't need to go seeking a guy. At least not today.
So I email my friend and let her know that I heard from our other friend that she felt that while O and I could be a good match, that I was not interested in O. I told her that I actually am interested in O. I
told her how I came across his profile online on one of the dating sites the night before and that actually reinforced my feelings. It was funny because I did not even realize it was O until I got to the rest of his photos. It sounded like him but I did not click on it knowing it was him.
I bit my nails in nervousness waiting to hear from my friend. Fortunately I had a camping trip
planned with the kids so I was busy, Again because of the way my mind works, I was convinced that she must know if O was interested in me. Why I would assume that I don't know. She and O are good friends. But so are she and I and I'd had not told her!
So I was convinced I would hear back with a yay or a nay. Which of course I didn't. She asked if I wanted her to confirm that he was not seeing anyone. She said assuming he wasn't she thought I should tell him I am interested. She feels if he is not interested, because he is a great guy, he will be
nice about it.
Awkward. Feels like high school.
So I am waiting for her to ask. No hurry mind you. Because I am not sure I can really tell him how I feels.
Camping, by the way, was awesome. We went to a lake and camped there. We met friends and all the kids swam in a lake and then we went on a little hike to a river and played in the river. The kids had a blast. We are going on another adventure with these folks in July. I felt good about being able to set
up our tent and get us set up. The best part was at the end when my friend's husband said it sure was easier with three adults. I had felt like they were doing me a favor inviting me. Turns out I was able to help!
Apparently she said something about how she thought that
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Weirdest Thing...I Like My Kids
The kids have now been with me just over two years. I have loved them since day 1. But I am starting to like them. Today I got out of work early and instead of grabbing a coffee and a few minutes to myself as I would normally, I picked the kids up early (to the delight of my daughter and horror of my son).
I want to spend time with them. I am no longer afraid of being with them by myself. I have it covered.
Pretty cool.
I want to spend time with them. I am no longer afraid of being with them by myself. I have it covered.
Pretty cool.
Monday, June 17, 2013
One Tough Mama
I should probably provide a visual of what I look like before I continue...
I am five feet tall. Maybe 5'1" with shoes. I weigh about 115.
My point is that I am small. I would say I have average strength. I run and hike, but do zero weight training.
This weekend I pushed the envelope on strength. Part of my determination to not have the kids miss out on anything because Dad chose to leave the family.
Saturday I went to Lowes. I purchased a sledgehammer as well as 18 large bricks for my yard. I put the 18 bricks in a cart with the help of a nice store employee. After purchasing the bricks I somehow maneuvered the cart to my car. It got stuck once. Some nice young employees (who looked so young I felt old), offered to help. I told them I had it. Got the bricks home. Unloaded them all and moved them to the backyard. Someone had mentioned Lowes would deliver. But this is something I could do.
I then moved heavy pieces of wood out of my garden and used the sledgehammer to bury the nails that had held the wood in place.
I forgot to mention the 22 mile bike ride earlier in the morning,
Sunday, after taking the kids to a trampoline gym, I took them to REI. There we tried one of the carrier backpacks with my daughter in it. She weighs between 42 and 44 pounds. Probably too big for the carrier. But I managed to get her in there and on my back...to the amusement of the store
employee helping me. I walked around the store with her on my back. The clerk told me that it would be exhausting carrying someone her size. I told him that yes, it physically would be. But NOT
carrying her would be exhausting emotionally.
I got home and worked on getting the Trail-a-Bike attached. I was worried about trying it because
biking is one thing. Biking with an extra 55'pounds is another, in the meantime I worked in the garden. Used the hoe and a tamper, started lining up my bricks. Realizing I need at least three more trips to Lowes. Wow.
Actually took my daughter out ON the trail a bike. Tough going up hills but not too bad. She loved it. My son was with us and both kids begged for a "longer" bike ride.
Tonight I took the kids to Lowes for more bricks and we went on another bike ride.
I love the fact that as my kids grow up they will expect that a woman can do anything she chooses. I can already envision my son's confusion upon meeting a friend whose mother was not involved in xeriscaping the yard."wait," he will say. "I thought that mom's build the brick walls in the yard...really your dad did that?"
My kids will know that women (and moms) are capable of anything. And that makes me proud.
I am five feet tall. Maybe 5'1" with shoes. I weigh about 115.
My point is that I am small. I would say I have average strength. I run and hike, but do zero weight training.
This weekend I pushed the envelope on strength. Part of my determination to not have the kids miss out on anything because Dad chose to leave the family.
Saturday I went to Lowes. I purchased a sledgehammer as well as 18 large bricks for my yard. I put the 18 bricks in a cart with the help of a nice store employee. After purchasing the bricks I somehow maneuvered the cart to my car. It got stuck once. Some nice young employees (who looked so young I felt old), offered to help. I told them I had it. Got the bricks home. Unloaded them all and moved them to the backyard. Someone had mentioned Lowes would deliver. But this is something I could do.
I then moved heavy pieces of wood out of my garden and used the sledgehammer to bury the nails that had held the wood in place.
I forgot to mention the 22 mile bike ride earlier in the morning,
Sunday, after taking the kids to a trampoline gym, I took them to REI. There we tried one of the carrier backpacks with my daughter in it. She weighs between 42 and 44 pounds. Probably too big for the carrier. But I managed to get her in there and on my back...to the amusement of the store
employee helping me. I walked around the store with her on my back. The clerk told me that it would be exhausting carrying someone her size. I told him that yes, it physically would be. But NOT
carrying her would be exhausting emotionally.
I got home and worked on getting the Trail-a-Bike attached. I was worried about trying it because
biking is one thing. Biking with an extra 55'pounds is another, in the meantime I worked in the garden. Used the hoe and a tamper, started lining up my bricks. Realizing I need at least three more trips to Lowes. Wow.
Actually took my daughter out ON the trail a bike. Tough going up hills but not too bad. She loved it. My son was with us and both kids begged for a "longer" bike ride.
Tonight I took the kids to Lowes for more bricks and we went on another bike ride.
I love the fact that as my kids grow up they will expect that a woman can do anything she chooses. I can already envision my son's confusion upon meeting a friend whose mother was not involved in xeriscaping the yard."wait," he will say. "I thought that mom's build the brick walls in the yard...really your dad did that?"
My kids will know that women (and moms) are capable of anything. And that makes me proud.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Maybe A Crush Is Fun...
One of the nice things about being a relatively anonymous blogger is that I can share all the
thoughts I may struggle to say out loud.
So here goes...
I still have my crush and it is sort of FUN.
I think, though am not sure, that we may even be flirting a bit. Hehe.
Biggest problem is we work for the same company. Could be awkward. As with any crush and likely relationship, there are positives and negatives about him. We sure have a lot in common, plenty to talk about, similar thoughts of plans for the future, kids close in age. He is one of those people you don't necessarily think is good looking until you know him and then he becomes extremely attractive. I sometimes feel like we are doing this sort of dance...two adults with interest who are afraid to put it out there...and then I think maybe that is wishful thinking on my part...that I am seeing something that is not really there. That he has thought of me as a friend only.
Though perhaps frustrating, the good news is that there is no hurry. He is far from an aggressive guy. If anything is to happen, it will take some time to do so. I know this is good, as putting some space between my marriage and something new is important. I would never want to hurt this guy, who has been through plenty himself. Should he have any interest, I am sure he is afraid. I know I am.
So I am going to do the best I can to enjoy having these feelings, which I have not had in years and years. And I will try and enjoy the fantasy that comes with it, reminding myself that the reality is likely very different.
And most importantly, I will remember that no matter what happens, I will ultimately be just fine.
thoughts I may struggle to say out loud.
So here goes...
I still have my crush and it is sort of FUN.
I think, though am not sure, that we may even be flirting a bit. Hehe.
Biggest problem is we work for the same company. Could be awkward. As with any crush and likely relationship, there are positives and negatives about him. We sure have a lot in common, plenty to talk about, similar thoughts of plans for the future, kids close in age. He is one of those people you don't necessarily think is good looking until you know him and then he becomes extremely attractive. I sometimes feel like we are doing this sort of dance...two adults with interest who are afraid to put it out there...and then I think maybe that is wishful thinking on my part...that I am seeing something that is not really there. That he has thought of me as a friend only.
Though perhaps frustrating, the good news is that there is no hurry. He is far from an aggressive guy. If anything is to happen, it will take some time to do so. I know this is good, as putting some space between my marriage and something new is important. I would never want to hurt this guy, who has been through plenty himself. Should he have any interest, I am sure he is afraid. I know I am.
So I am going to do the best I can to enjoy having these feelings, which I have not had in years and years. And I will try and enjoy the fantasy that comes with it, reminding myself that the reality is likely very different.
And most importantly, I will remember that no matter what happens, I will ultimately be just fine.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
The Ultimate Challenge?
I have been debating taking the kids on a weeklong adventure to a national park. At first I thought "how can I camp in such a glorious place without them?" I realized a day or two ago that my motivation to take them is to actually conquer what is one of my greatest single parent fears. That we will not go on amazing trips because I won't be able to handle them on my own. If I can get them through a flight, a five hour car ride and five days of camping, I can do anything. But is this a challenge I SHOULD take on? Will the kids have fun or be miserable? Will I be miserable?
Many of my friends are taking their kids on these great summer adventures and I want to do the same. With or without a partner.
Ironically, we have already done more this spring than we did last year with my husband around. We have camped twice already. Driven two hours to a friend's cabin and driven another two hours to visit a friend who was camping. We are doing plenty. We are planning another camping trip over the next few weeks. In the meantime I have hiked more than ever. No one is missing out.
I wonder if I would be less intimidated about such a long trip if I had been their mom from day one. On the flip side, I know many less independent women who have had their kids from day one and would not do major travel with them because they themselves are not comfortable with travel on their own.
I am looking forward to meetingT a friend for lunch today with who I can talk this out.
A few updates:
Yesterday my daughter told me that "k is my biological mom and you are my real mom".
My son actually told his dad he missed me.
My crush actually did text on Sunday morning and wound up coming hiking for part of the day. I kept going when he turned around. I got confirmation that he is indeed 12 years older than me. Not
sure it matters. We are at similar places in life and heck it is just a crush : ) I am finding that he is very last minute about things. I am not much better about planning. I think he does better when others take charge and tell him what is happening. I am good at doing that but do I want to?
Again, just a crush...and it never hurts to have another friend! Particularly one who will hike.
Many of my friends are taking their kids on these great summer adventures and I want to do the same. With or without a partner.
Ironically, we have already done more this spring than we did last year with my husband around. We have camped twice already. Driven two hours to a friend's cabin and driven another two hours to visit a friend who was camping. We are doing plenty. We are planning another camping trip over the next few weeks. In the meantime I have hiked more than ever. No one is missing out.
I wonder if I would be less intimidated about such a long trip if I had been their mom from day one. On the flip side, I know many less independent women who have had their kids from day one and would not do major travel with them because they themselves are not comfortable with travel on their own.
I am looking forward to meetingT a friend for lunch today with who I can talk this out.
A few updates:
Yesterday my daughter told me that "k is my biological mom and you are my real mom".
My son actually told his dad he missed me.
My crush actually did text on Sunday morning and wound up coming hiking for part of the day. I kept going when he turned around. I got confirmation that he is indeed 12 years older than me. Not
sure it matters. We are at similar places in life and heck it is just a crush : ) I am finding that he is very last minute about things. I am not much better about planning. I think he does better when others take charge and tell him what is happening. I am good at doing that but do I want to?
Again, just a crush...and it never hurts to have another friend! Particularly one who will hike.
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Where the Heck Is My Happy Ending?
I am actually in a decent place though it won't sound that way because I am going to rant again. After seeing three happy couples today during the course of my activities, I am feeling rather irritated. Where the heck is MY happy ending?
Went for a hike this morning with a friend from work and her husband. Every time they referenced each other it was "babe". Ick. So not my thing. If I date a man and he calls me "babe" he will get a mouthful. Regardless, the clearly care about each other and of course, I want that.
Went to pick up my friend for a dance class and saw her husband. They are not sappy sweet. But he hangs out with their kids. Willingly. What a concept. I want that too.
Met some friends at the park. No real knowledge of the dynamic of their relationship. But he works full time and is a good dad. I'll take that please!
Don't tell me that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I know enough. I know their lives are not perfect. That the spouses are not perfect. But compared to what I have..well I will take it. With a big smile on my face.
On the plus side, I suppose it is fortunate that if anyone is lacking a partner it is me. It is amazing how so many girls are unwilling to do things without their partner or alone. Not an issue for me. I will do anything alone (and a good thing as it appears I have been ditched for hiking tomorrow by my crush). Clearly this is not the case with most others I know. My friend who just had the baby mentioned she did not want to bike ride alone. The husband of the friend I hiked with seemed very nervous about her being on a long hike. Women often don't do things on their own. Sad. Thank goodness I am not one of those because I would not be able to do half of what I do normally. Not
having a man will not stop me.
The guy I have the crush on said he would call tonight about hiking tomorrow but never did. Hard not to assume it means he has no interest in me. Though in all fairness not everyone wants to spend 8
hours in the mountains on one of their two days off. He could have called. I feel like if he was at all into me he would come. Maybe he does not want to go just with me. That makes me feel lousy.
The funny thing is I am not at all concerned about not having someone to hike with. I think I like
to have my little fantasy with this guy I have a crush on. If he does not call and does not hike...well I should not be fantasizing about him. And I admit I like the fantasy. So can he just give me enough so I can enjoy my crush? Yeesh.
So where exactly is my happy ending in all of this?
Went for a hike this morning with a friend from work and her husband. Every time they referenced each other it was "babe". Ick. So not my thing. If I date a man and he calls me "babe" he will get a mouthful. Regardless, the clearly care about each other and of course, I want that.
Went to pick up my friend for a dance class and saw her husband. They are not sappy sweet. But he hangs out with their kids. Willingly. What a concept. I want that too.
Met some friends at the park. No real knowledge of the dynamic of their relationship. But he works full time and is a good dad. I'll take that please!
Don't tell me that I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I know enough. I know their lives are not perfect. That the spouses are not perfect. But compared to what I have..well I will take it. With a big smile on my face.
On the plus side, I suppose it is fortunate that if anyone is lacking a partner it is me. It is amazing how so many girls are unwilling to do things without their partner or alone. Not an issue for me. I will do anything alone (and a good thing as it appears I have been ditched for hiking tomorrow by my crush). Clearly this is not the case with most others I know. My friend who just had the baby mentioned she did not want to bike ride alone. The husband of the friend I hiked with seemed very nervous about her being on a long hike. Women often don't do things on their own. Sad. Thank goodness I am not one of those because I would not be able to do half of what I do normally. Not
having a man will not stop me.
The guy I have the crush on said he would call tonight about hiking tomorrow but never did. Hard not to assume it means he has no interest in me. Though in all fairness not everyone wants to spend 8
hours in the mountains on one of their two days off. He could have called. I feel like if he was at all into me he would come. Maybe he does not want to go just with me. That makes me feel lousy.
The funny thing is I am not at all concerned about not having someone to hike with. I think I like
to have my little fantasy with this guy I have a crush on. If he does not call and does not hike...well I should not be fantasizing about him. And I admit I like the fantasy. So can he just give me enough so I can enjoy my crush? Yeesh.
So where exactly is my happy ending in all of this?
Friday, June 7, 2013
A Nice Long Rant...
Today I got copies of the separation papers that have now been filed with the court. I suppose I am officially separated. Huh.
The kids have behaved decently this week. It is everyone else driving me nuts. A friend planned some ridiculous birthday extravaganza that was going to cost me a fortune and an entire day. And some stress. Tried to do only a part of it at the risk of her wrath. She wound up cancelling at the last minute. Huh.
The friend with the new baby is going on about how if/when her mom moves she will have to quit her job because she is unwilling to send her baby to daycare. Must be nice to have options. Remember I supervise her and her leaving causes me a lot of work. I lose my friend and one of my better employees. What drives me nuts is how clueless she is about how saying the things she is saying is making me crazy. All she can see are her own "problems". Her "problems" are things many of us never had in the first place so it is hard to sympathize. I am sorry that your mother cannot be your child are provider forever. But heck my mother provided child care ummm... Never. I am sorry that "gasp" your child would have to go to daycare. Just like mine. But see I don't have the option to stay home. Even if my now Ex paid the full child support $700 is not enough to live on per month. Oh and I can't get on his health insurance. Don't tell me I never know and that someone could just offer me a new job for 80k. That is absurd. I try and think positive but let's be just a bit realistic. Don't make crap up that you think will make me feel better. Don't just lie! Empathizing is not that hard. You can say "I see what you mean" or I can see how it feels like you have no options". But do not lie. Friend does not invite me to do stuff. Just throws out these vague "we should get together" comments. But then I have to follow up. I invited her to several things going on but she could not attend because she has the baby. But she somehow found it necessary to throw out that she has plans with some other girl who just had a baby. So really friend, you are so adverse to mommy clubs huh?
I still have a crush on the same guy and try as I might I cannot stop having the crush. The guy is clueless. Seriously. Even if he liked me it would never go anywhere because he makes me look agressive and I have NEVER even asked a guy out. Yeeesh.
My mother emailed me that a friend of hers would be calling me because she has adopted kids and been through the things i am going through and could be a great resource blah blah. The kids are not really the problem. It is the end of my relationship that is hard. It is not having a partner and having to do all of this myself that is hard. This lady may have adopted but that is where the story diverges, thanks mom for the help.
That is enough ranting. Off to bed....
The kids have behaved decently this week. It is everyone else driving me nuts. A friend planned some ridiculous birthday extravaganza that was going to cost me a fortune and an entire day. And some stress. Tried to do only a part of it at the risk of her wrath. She wound up cancelling at the last minute. Huh.
The friend with the new baby is going on about how if/when her mom moves she will have to quit her job because she is unwilling to send her baby to daycare. Must be nice to have options. Remember I supervise her and her leaving causes me a lot of work. I lose my friend and one of my better employees. What drives me nuts is how clueless she is about how saying the things she is saying is making me crazy. All she can see are her own "problems". Her "problems" are things many of us never had in the first place so it is hard to sympathize. I am sorry that your mother cannot be your child are provider forever. But heck my mother provided child care ummm... Never. I am sorry that "gasp" your child would have to go to daycare. Just like mine. But see I don't have the option to stay home. Even if my now Ex paid the full child support $700 is not enough to live on per month. Oh and I can't get on his health insurance. Don't tell me I never know and that someone could just offer me a new job for 80k. That is absurd. I try and think positive but let's be just a bit realistic. Don't make crap up that you think will make me feel better. Don't just lie! Empathizing is not that hard. You can say "I see what you mean" or I can see how it feels like you have no options". But do not lie. Friend does not invite me to do stuff. Just throws out these vague "we should get together" comments. But then I have to follow up. I invited her to several things going on but she could not attend because she has the baby. But she somehow found it necessary to throw out that she has plans with some other girl who just had a baby. So really friend, you are so adverse to mommy clubs huh?
I still have a crush on the same guy and try as I might I cannot stop having the crush. The guy is clueless. Seriously. Even if he liked me it would never go anywhere because he makes me look agressive and I have NEVER even asked a guy out. Yeeesh.
My mother emailed me that a friend of hers would be calling me because she has adopted kids and been through the things i am going through and could be a great resource blah blah. The kids are not really the problem. It is the end of my relationship that is hard. It is not having a partner and having to do all of this myself that is hard. This lady may have adopted but that is where the story diverges, thanks mom for the help.
That is enough ranting. Off to bed....
Monday, June 3, 2013
I Sure Hope That Was Rock Bottom...
This post was written yesterday (Sunday) but posted today (Monday).
I was in such a bad physical and emotional place this past Wednesday through yesterday afternoon that it was hard to know if the physical was feeding the emotional, the emotional feeding the physical, or vice/versa. I had the flu. My husband had to help with the kids. I had to see him. He was helpful. I wanted him back. Bad. Really bad.
I cried. I cried with him, I cried by myself. I am fairly convinced this is the worst I have felt since all of this went down. I like to eat. I mean really like to eat. I have not had a meal since Tuesday. If I had an appetite and ate, immediate trip to the bathroom. While that may have started as the flu, I was not sure when it was still happening whether it was the flu or serious anxiety.
A friend invited me and the kids camping Saturday. Yes, the friend I have a crush on. I felt like crap Saturday morning but knew I needed to go. Not because I have a crush on the guy. But to get out of town. To get away from my life here. To get away from my husband.
I somehow got it together and got us in the car Saturday afternoon. Once I was out of the city my stress level went way down. I felt better driving and even better at the campsite. By this morning I felt relatively normal.
By the drive home, I was back. I could handle my life again.
I am ready to eat. Tonight a bowl of Soup and some potatoes to be safe. Tomorrow?
We will see : )
I was in such a bad physical and emotional place this past Wednesday through yesterday afternoon that it was hard to know if the physical was feeding the emotional, the emotional feeding the physical, or vice/versa. I had the flu. My husband had to help with the kids. I had to see him. He was helpful. I wanted him back. Bad. Really bad.
I cried. I cried with him, I cried by myself. I am fairly convinced this is the worst I have felt since all of this went down. I like to eat. I mean really like to eat. I have not had a meal since Tuesday. If I had an appetite and ate, immediate trip to the bathroom. While that may have started as the flu, I was not sure when it was still happening whether it was the flu or serious anxiety.
A friend invited me and the kids camping Saturday. Yes, the friend I have a crush on. I felt like crap Saturday morning but knew I needed to go. Not because I have a crush on the guy. But to get out of town. To get away from my life here. To get away from my husband.
I somehow got it together and got us in the car Saturday afternoon. Once I was out of the city my stress level went way down. I felt better driving and even better at the campsite. By this morning I felt relatively normal.
By the drive home, I was back. I could handle my life again.
I am ready to eat. Tonight a bowl of Soup and some potatoes to be safe. Tomorrow?
We will see : )
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)