One Week Later....

I will go back and post about the last six days, but figure I should keep record of my current feelings.

Today's overall feeling: Sad

It did not help waking up to my daughter telling me she had a great dream..."that daddy picked them up early from campfire and was back from the group home".

I have been telling her that daddy is working at the group home while he tries to learn to like himself more.

Sigh.

My closest friend just had a baby and I was showing pictures at work. I have not been able to meet the baby yet because of a cold I got probably from all of this stress. But I already love the little guy! One of the co workers commented on a picture of baby and his daddy that he looked so proud.

So I cried. Because dads should look proud of their children. Not run away from them.

I nearly lost it at the coffee shop later when I thought of pancakes. My husband would make them every saturday and they were good. No more pancakes.

So I cried then too.

Two good friends tell me this is normal. That they would be concerned if I was not sad.

But this sadness sucks. I want anger. I want disgust.

I yearn for him, likely more out of habit than anything but it does not matter. How can I yearn for someone who has done something pretty unforgivable?

The strong part of me knows that if we are even to be together again he is going to need to get serious help, make serious changes and make a serious effort to win me over.

The weak part of me would take him in a heartbeat.

I wonder if the mere presence of dad, even if he does nothing, is better for kids than no dad at all. Despite him doing nothing at all with them they want him here. If it is better for them to just have his presence, than I feel guilty for being honest about my frustration with him for being present but absent at the same time.

I will say one thing though. I have handled everything for seven days now and I am a better housekeeper than he ever was.