Through my sadness I had a glimpse of anger today. I was driving to pick our daughter up to take her to the therapist and I have two messages about our son.
He has peed in his pants for the THIRD DAY IN A ROW.
He is two months from turning 8. We have already been through this. He had, it seemed, overcome it. So now we are regressing. Lovely. But certainly makes sense.
The messages were because he would not wear the pants the nurse had and they wanted me to bring new pants. I can't because I have to get our daughter to the therapist. It is after school time now so I call the after school person back. She suggests I take him with me to the therapist. I explain through tears that this won't work. She explains he can't stay with peed in pants. I ask her to take him back to the nurse and make him wear those pants. She also is our babysitter and I tell her it is a lousy day and I can't take much more.
I hang up and am sobbing and call Stupid Head (my husband). I am so angry I am going to give him hell. Of course he does not answer.
At therapy my daughter played that she was the baby and the therapist was the big sister and they were being cared for by a single mom and both their parents had died.
I feel like all of the work the last year and a half was for nothing. I am back to square one with the kids if I am lucky. It may even be worse.
How can Stupid Head just walk away like this?
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Harboring a Fugitive?-In The Present
Today is Wednesday, Jan. 30. I actually had a good day, as opposed to yesterday where I was very down.
I got to take my good friend's (the one with the newborn) dog for a walk in the foothills and nothing puts me in a good mood like mountain time...and mountain time with my buddy is even better : )
I was really rocking at home too. Good the kids doing what they needed to, etc. My husband was supposed to call to speak with the kids, which he did. I was in a good mood and he seemed in a decent mood and I admit, I allowed myself to get hopeful. He asked if I wanted to talk after they went to bed and I said sure. Not sure what I was thinking, but things did not seem so glum.
Well that did not last long...we get on the phone and he is going on about what a bad place he must be in to do these things, blah blah. Don't really remember how it all went but basically he is moving to Atlanta. The sooner the better. I asked if his dad knows what he has done. Yes, he has talked it out with his dad. They even have financial arrangements (his dad will cover the kids' after school care until he is working). It sort of feels like his dad is harboring a fugitive....I am mad at his dad for being willing to take him in. The man has not even called to check on us. I want to scream "look at what your son did???"
So he will go to Atlanta. He has already quit his job. He will be paid for a few weeks and then says he is being kept on as a very part time consultant so he can keep his benefits for awhile. No clue if this is true or just his response to my plea that HE GET HELP. He needs help. He needs therapy. He needs medication. A new location is not going to change what is going on in his mind. What will he do for work? He has been communicating with an old friend who has sent him a few leads. Of course they are tv jobs and he is still pining over working in the industry. Not sure who will hire him with his Bachelor's degree from 96 and no real experience in that area in years.
So he will now be out of work, out of state, sending money from his dad...I guess what can I expect I mean the guy walked out on his family!!
I try to get across to him what he is doing to us. All that he has left on my shoulders. All he is doing to the poor kids and how their behaviors as a result just add more weight on my shoulders.
It does not seem to get me anywhere. He is unswayed from his ridiculous plan.
I tell him I should be very angry at him but for some dumb reason I still love him.
But right now I hate him too. I am so hurt, even though I know this is nothing to do with me. This is on him. I am scared and overwhelmed and I am angry and sad.
He says he will come talk to the kids to tell them. I tell him I will talk to the therapist to get the best way to do this and let him know.
I admit I ROCKED this phone call. I was strong. I did not cry. I told him that should he want to be a part of this family he was going to have to work to get back in. I told him he needs to pay for his cell phone and car insurance. I am not paying for that.
I reiterated therapy and medication though that was clearly not a priority.
I finally gave up. I hung up and I cried.
I got to take my good friend's (the one with the newborn) dog for a walk in the foothills and nothing puts me in a good mood like mountain time...and mountain time with my buddy is even better : )
I was really rocking at home too. Good the kids doing what they needed to, etc. My husband was supposed to call to speak with the kids, which he did. I was in a good mood and he seemed in a decent mood and I admit, I allowed myself to get hopeful. He asked if I wanted to talk after they went to bed and I said sure. Not sure what I was thinking, but things did not seem so glum.
Well that did not last long...we get on the phone and he is going on about what a bad place he must be in to do these things, blah blah. Don't really remember how it all went but basically he is moving to Atlanta. The sooner the better. I asked if his dad knows what he has done. Yes, he has talked it out with his dad. They even have financial arrangements (his dad will cover the kids' after school care until he is working). It sort of feels like his dad is harboring a fugitive....I am mad at his dad for being willing to take him in. The man has not even called to check on us. I want to scream "look at what your son did???"
So he will go to Atlanta. He has already quit his job. He will be paid for a few weeks and then says he is being kept on as a very part time consultant so he can keep his benefits for awhile. No clue if this is true or just his response to my plea that HE GET HELP. He needs help. He needs therapy. He needs medication. A new location is not going to change what is going on in his mind. What will he do for work? He has been communicating with an old friend who has sent him a few leads. Of course they are tv jobs and he is still pining over working in the industry. Not sure who will hire him with his Bachelor's degree from 96 and no real experience in that area in years.
So he will now be out of work, out of state, sending money from his dad...I guess what can I expect I mean the guy walked out on his family!!
I try to get across to him what he is doing to us. All that he has left on my shoulders. All he is doing to the poor kids and how their behaviors as a result just add more weight on my shoulders.
It does not seem to get me anywhere. He is unswayed from his ridiculous plan.
I tell him I should be very angry at him but for some dumb reason I still love him.
But right now I hate him too. I am so hurt, even though I know this is nothing to do with me. This is on him. I am scared and overwhelmed and I am angry and sad.
He says he will come talk to the kids to tell them. I tell him I will talk to the therapist to get the best way to do this and let him know.
I admit I ROCKED this phone call. I was strong. I did not cry. I told him that should he want to be a part of this family he was going to have to work to get back in. I told him he needs to pay for his cell phone and car insurance. I am not paying for that.
I reiterated therapy and medication though that was clearly not a priority.
I finally gave up. I hung up and I cried.
January 23rd Part 2
Okay, so we left off with my husband thinking that heck, since he had already left without notice, he may as well see this as his opportunity to experience working out of town.
Huh.
I comment (in response to his saying he had not planned to be out of our lives) that he had moved an awful lot of stuff out. I mean, if a place is to remain your home base, and you currently have no place to go, do you move out your records? Or your stuffed Pooh Bear that you slept with as a baby? With all that stuff moved out, it makes one think this was pre-planned and/or there is a girlfriend in the picture.
I get no response to whether or not this was pre-planned or there is a girlfriend.
Instead he says he has been thinking for awhile to spend some time at his dad's house.
My first thought to that was, hmmm, that is good. But then I thought: Your dad lives in Atlanta. We do not live in Atlanta. In fact it is a 22 hour drive. What about work?
So I ask about that.
He says he has some vacation time saved (of course he does, because he never wanted to travel with the kids) and maybe he will even find work there.
Seriously?
Last I heard, the job market is, well, lousy. My father-in-law lives about 50 miles outside of Atlanta in a suburb with nothing. I suppose that Walmart is an option. They do have one. Not that the job he has here is amazing. He works 30 hours per week. Well let me take that back. He is paid for 30 but works 50 to avoid the kids. So he is going to quit his job, move to Atlanta, live in a remote suburb and start job hunting? I can probably pull off covering all expenses, but this is unbelievable. You know what? My brother lives in Atlanta and I think I am just going to take a break from life for awhile. I will just up and quit my job! Leave the kids at home. That will work. Someone will watch them and pay for them. No worries!
Seriously?
So I bring this up. He says he can get a job there and stay awhile.
I point out that there is the issue of how I will pay for the afterschool program while he is not earning an income.
He comments that he is not good for anyone if he is just around for a paycheck but is a jerk otherwise.
While I see his point, his just up and disappearing and not contributing is absurd.
And would his dad even take him in if he is abandoning his family??
This goes on. I finally call him out on his behavior. How he is not thinking about how what he has done and is doing is effecting us.
He then throws out that he has been looking into ways to try and kill himself.
Nothing stops laying it all out there like mention of being suicidal.
So I back off. I try to encourage him check himself in to a hospital. I offer to take him. He says he is not in immediate danger.
By this point a friend has arrived.
Still no word on whether my friend in labor has given birth. I am worried about her.
I don't get much sleep
Huh.
I comment (in response to his saying he had not planned to be out of our lives) that he had moved an awful lot of stuff out. I mean, if a place is to remain your home base, and you currently have no place to go, do you move out your records? Or your stuffed Pooh Bear that you slept with as a baby? With all that stuff moved out, it makes one think this was pre-planned and/or there is a girlfriend in the picture.
I get no response to whether or not this was pre-planned or there is a girlfriend.
Instead he says he has been thinking for awhile to spend some time at his dad's house.
My first thought to that was, hmmm, that is good. But then I thought: Your dad lives in Atlanta. We do not live in Atlanta. In fact it is a 22 hour drive. What about work?
So I ask about that.
He says he has some vacation time saved (of course he does, because he never wanted to travel with the kids) and maybe he will even find work there.
Seriously?
Last I heard, the job market is, well, lousy. My father-in-law lives about 50 miles outside of Atlanta in a suburb with nothing. I suppose that Walmart is an option. They do have one. Not that the job he has here is amazing. He works 30 hours per week. Well let me take that back. He is paid for 30 but works 50 to avoid the kids. So he is going to quit his job, move to Atlanta, live in a remote suburb and start job hunting? I can probably pull off covering all expenses, but this is unbelievable. You know what? My brother lives in Atlanta and I think I am just going to take a break from life for awhile. I will just up and quit my job! Leave the kids at home. That will work. Someone will watch them and pay for them. No worries!
Seriously?
So I bring this up. He says he can get a job there and stay awhile.
I point out that there is the issue of how I will pay for the afterschool program while he is not earning an income.
He comments that he is not good for anyone if he is just around for a paycheck but is a jerk otherwise.
While I see his point, his just up and disappearing and not contributing is absurd.
And would his dad even take him in if he is abandoning his family??
This goes on. I finally call him out on his behavior. How he is not thinking about how what he has done and is doing is effecting us.
He then throws out that he has been looking into ways to try and kill himself.
Nothing stops laying it all out there like mention of being suicidal.
So I back off. I try to encourage him check himself in to a hospital. I offer to take him. He says he is not in immediate danger.
By this point a friend has arrived.
Still no word on whether my friend in labor has given birth. I am worried about her.
I don't get much sleep
January 23rd-Trying to figure out what is going on...
Back to how this all went down....perhaps I can write a how-to book on how to NOT split from your family...
I get the kids to school. They notice dad is not there....I comment that he is working at the group home again. They don't seem bothered by this.
I typically get ready and go straight to work after dropping off the kids. But I am not fully with it and have done nothing to get ready. Truthfully, I am feeling overwhelmed over how I am going to do this everyday. I am no super-mom. And even if I was I would also have to be super working mom. And super housekeeper...And the list goes on. I am starting to panic. I also become overwhelmed by the fear of light bulbs. How am I going to change light bulbs? I am 5 feet tall! Even on the step ladder i cannot reach the ceiling. And I have not changed a light bulb in 17 years. Shit.
I get myself ready and since I have no set time to get to work (having your husband walk off without notice buys you time) I head to the coffee shop. I drink coffee. I cannot focus on work. Or even Rosetta Stone. I type an email to a friend. I also obsessively check my phone, because my close friend is in labor. What timing. He does this and I cannot even call her. I debate letter her know, thinking maybe she will get angry and give a big push and out will come the baby. I decide against this. I had planned to see the therapist for an emergency appointment but he texts to say that he cannot meet because of surgery complications. Again with the timing. Guess I am supposed to prove my strength.
I get to work. I check in with my boss. I cry. Check in with my team. I cry. My boss thinks I should hack into his bank account and take money. Tempting.
I spend a few hours at the office then head to a home visit. After the visit I go to the mountain to hike. I am doing well, I think. The home visit has perked me up. I am wondering if I am going to see my husband, as he is supposed to be there to watch the kids since I have a work event. But he has not texted. I do well the first half of the hike. But being on the mountain reminds me of him. Of our hikes and of me begging him to hike and him not wanting to. I look down in the canyon and from far away I can see a person dressed in black. I have this small hope that it is him. That he has come looking for me and figured the best place to find me is the mountain. I then realize this is ridiculous and I started to cry. And then I start to sob. I am hiking and sobbing. I miss my trail and get turned around but find my way back. Sigh.
I finally hear from him at 4, asking what time I wanted him home to stay with the kids. I have no idea what his intentions are at this point. I text him to say that he needs to let me know his plans. If he is planning to come by and never see the kids again, than I don't want him to come. That is not fair to the kids and frankly I am not in a place I can handle that emotionally.
He responds that it is not his intent to walk out of our lives. That he may have jumped a bit suddenly but that maybe this is as good of time as any to spend the time away we had discussed as a possibility.
Let me point out that the possibility we had discussed was that it was okay for him to get a job elsewhere. But we would know it is coming. We would say goodbye. We would be a family with someone working out of town. Not THIS.
Since the 23rd was one long day, I am going to stop here to pick up the kids. Part two will come later.
I get the kids to school. They notice dad is not there....I comment that he is working at the group home again. They don't seem bothered by this.
I typically get ready and go straight to work after dropping off the kids. But I am not fully with it and have done nothing to get ready. Truthfully, I am feeling overwhelmed over how I am going to do this everyday. I am no super-mom. And even if I was I would also have to be super working mom. And super housekeeper...And the list goes on. I am starting to panic. I also become overwhelmed by the fear of light bulbs. How am I going to change light bulbs? I am 5 feet tall! Even on the step ladder i cannot reach the ceiling. And I have not changed a light bulb in 17 years. Shit.
I get myself ready and since I have no set time to get to work (having your husband walk off without notice buys you time) I head to the coffee shop. I drink coffee. I cannot focus on work. Or even Rosetta Stone. I type an email to a friend. I also obsessively check my phone, because my close friend is in labor. What timing. He does this and I cannot even call her. I debate letter her know, thinking maybe she will get angry and give a big push and out will come the baby. I decide against this. I had planned to see the therapist for an emergency appointment but he texts to say that he cannot meet because of surgery complications. Again with the timing. Guess I am supposed to prove my strength.
I get to work. I check in with my boss. I cry. Check in with my team. I cry. My boss thinks I should hack into his bank account and take money. Tempting.
I spend a few hours at the office then head to a home visit. After the visit I go to the mountain to hike. I am doing well, I think. The home visit has perked me up. I am wondering if I am going to see my husband, as he is supposed to be there to watch the kids since I have a work event. But he has not texted. I do well the first half of the hike. But being on the mountain reminds me of him. Of our hikes and of me begging him to hike and him not wanting to. I look down in the canyon and from far away I can see a person dressed in black. I have this small hope that it is him. That he has come looking for me and figured the best place to find me is the mountain. I then realize this is ridiculous and I started to cry. And then I start to sob. I am hiking and sobbing. I miss my trail and get turned around but find my way back. Sigh.
I finally hear from him at 4, asking what time I wanted him home to stay with the kids. I have no idea what his intentions are at this point. I text him to say that he needs to let me know his plans. If he is planning to come by and never see the kids again, than I don't want him to come. That is not fair to the kids and frankly I am not in a place I can handle that emotionally.
He responds that it is not his intent to walk out of our lives. That he may have jumped a bit suddenly but that maybe this is as good of time as any to spend the time away we had discussed as a possibility.
Let me point out that the possibility we had discussed was that it was okay for him to get a job elsewhere. But we would know it is coming. We would say goodbye. We would be a family with someone working out of town. Not THIS.
Since the 23rd was one long day, I am going to stop here to pick up the kids. Part two will come later.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
One Week Later....
I will go back and post about the last six days, but figure I should keep record of my current feelings.
Today's overall feeling: Sad
It did not help waking up to my daughter telling me she had a great dream..."that daddy picked them up early from campfire and was back from the group home".
I have been telling her that daddy is working at the group home while he tries to learn to like himself more.
Sigh.
My closest friend just had a baby and I was showing pictures at work. I have not been able to meet the baby yet because of a cold I got probably from all of this stress. But I already love the little guy! One of the co workers commented on a picture of baby and his daddy that he looked so proud.
So I cried. Because dads should look proud of their children. Not run away from them.
I nearly lost it at the coffee shop later when I thought of pancakes. My husband would make them every saturday and they were good. No more pancakes.
So I cried then too.
Two good friends tell me this is normal. That they would be concerned if I was not sad.
But this sadness sucks. I want anger. I want disgust.
I yearn for him, likely more out of habit than anything but it does not matter. How can I yearn for someone who has done something pretty unforgivable?
The strong part of me knows that if we are even to be together again he is going to need to get serious help, make serious changes and make a serious effort to win me over.
The weak part of me would take him in a heartbeat.
I wonder if the mere presence of dad, even if he does nothing, is better for kids than no dad at all. Despite him doing nothing at all with them they want him here. If it is better for them to just have his presence, than I feel guilty for being honest about my frustration with him for being present but absent at the same time.
I will say one thing though. I have handled everything for seven days now and I am a better housekeeper than he ever was.
Today's overall feeling: Sad
It did not help waking up to my daughter telling me she had a great dream..."that daddy picked them up early from campfire and was back from the group home".
I have been telling her that daddy is working at the group home while he tries to learn to like himself more.
Sigh.
My closest friend just had a baby and I was showing pictures at work. I have not been able to meet the baby yet because of a cold I got probably from all of this stress. But I already love the little guy! One of the co workers commented on a picture of baby and his daddy that he looked so proud.
So I cried. Because dads should look proud of their children. Not run away from them.
I nearly lost it at the coffee shop later when I thought of pancakes. My husband would make them every saturday and they were good. No more pancakes.
So I cried then too.
Two good friends tell me this is normal. That they would be concerned if I was not sad.
But this sadness sucks. I want anger. I want disgust.
I yearn for him, likely more out of habit than anything but it does not matter. How can I yearn for someone who has done something pretty unforgivable?
The strong part of me knows that if we are even to be together again he is going to need to get serious help, make serious changes and make a serious effort to win me over.
The weak part of me would take him in a heartbeat.
I wonder if the mere presence of dad, even if he does nothing, is better for kids than no dad at all. Despite him doing nothing at all with them they want him here. If it is better for them to just have his presence, than I feel guilty for being honest about my frustration with him for being present but absent at the same time.
I will say one thing though. I have handled everything for seven days now and I am a better housekeeper than he ever was.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Jan. 22, 2013-No Call No Show
My husband quit the family like he quit jobs in his early twenties. In the restaurant or retail industries it would be referred to as "no call no show". I was not given a two week notice or even a week. Perhaps it would make more sense to say he "walked off the job" as he was home and then suddenly he wasn't.
Clearly, I am trying to keep my sense of humor here.
Here are the details, which are not many:
Tuesday, January 22nd was like any other day really.
The morning was difficult. My daughter who is all of 5, threw her shoe and said "I don't want to put on my stupid f-in (yes she used the f-word) shoe.
I gave her her consequence. No TV for two days which is the end of the world for her. I then went back to the bedroom where my husband was avoiding the family as he does regularly. I congratulated him for teaching our daughter the F word. He stated he just needs to be away from them. I came back with the fact that he is never here anyway (and when he is he is not interacting). That was that.
I took the kids to school. I went to work. I picked the kids up. I went home.
My daughter had a project so I went to the coat closet for the craft supplies. The closet seemed strange. It is usually packed but now it wasn't. There were still some of my husband's coats. But then I noticed the computer monitor my husband kept on the dress was gone. Huh. Then I went to the closet. His entire side was empty. Not just the clothes, but the Pooh Bear that was his as a baby that he had carried around all these years.
I am starting to panic now. My kids are still awake and are behaving outlandishly, probably because they sense that something is not right.
I move to the laundry room. His row of shirts that he kept there is gone. I put the kids in their room because their behavior is nuts and I cannot handle them anyway. My closest friend is actually in labor at the hospital so I cannot contact her. I text my other close friend. My daughter's teacher has emailed about a question I had about her project and i email her back that I think my husband has left us.
I text my husband. Are you coming home? Because a lot of your stuff is gone. I walk around and notice other things gone. His records. His silly Apple signs that he was convinced he was going to see on EBay. A vase from his dad. The orange one. I am glad he left the purple one.
Somehow the kids and I finish the project. No response from my husband. My friend comes over. We put the kids to bed.
They are not bothered by dad not being home yet. He is often not home until after they are in bed.
I am a strong person but I sob when talking to my friend. How can someone do this? And what exactly is he doing? With the disappearance of the records and Pooh I am assuming he is not just gone for the week.
He finally texts back that he is not good for us right now and that he is angry and hateful. He does not think it is good for him to be there like this.
I ask if he was planning to talk to me about this.
Yes, he says. But he stopped for a drink at a friends and had a few too many. He knows he is supposed to be with the kids the next day while i have a work event that night. We can talk then, he says.
All I can do at that point is cry. I am a strong person and things have been difficult. But this?
I text my boss. I let her know I am not sure when I will be in the next day. I text the therapist we have been meeting with asking for an emergency appointment.
I then walk around the house trying to figure out what is no longer there.
Clearly, I am trying to keep my sense of humor here.
Here are the details, which are not many:
Tuesday, January 22nd was like any other day really.
The morning was difficult. My daughter who is all of 5, threw her shoe and said "I don't want to put on my stupid f-in (yes she used the f-word) shoe.
I gave her her consequence. No TV for two days which is the end of the world for her. I then went back to the bedroom where my husband was avoiding the family as he does regularly. I congratulated him for teaching our daughter the F word. He stated he just needs to be away from them. I came back with the fact that he is never here anyway (and when he is he is not interacting). That was that.
I took the kids to school. I went to work. I picked the kids up. I went home.
My daughter had a project so I went to the coat closet for the craft supplies. The closet seemed strange. It is usually packed but now it wasn't. There were still some of my husband's coats. But then I noticed the computer monitor my husband kept on the dress was gone. Huh. Then I went to the closet. His entire side was empty. Not just the clothes, but the Pooh Bear that was his as a baby that he had carried around all these years.
I am starting to panic now. My kids are still awake and are behaving outlandishly, probably because they sense that something is not right.
I move to the laundry room. His row of shirts that he kept there is gone. I put the kids in their room because their behavior is nuts and I cannot handle them anyway. My closest friend is actually in labor at the hospital so I cannot contact her. I text my other close friend. My daughter's teacher has emailed about a question I had about her project and i email her back that I think my husband has left us.
I text my husband. Are you coming home? Because a lot of your stuff is gone. I walk around and notice other things gone. His records. His silly Apple signs that he was convinced he was going to see on EBay. A vase from his dad. The orange one. I am glad he left the purple one.
Somehow the kids and I finish the project. No response from my husband. My friend comes over. We put the kids to bed.
They are not bothered by dad not being home yet. He is often not home until after they are in bed.
I am a strong person but I sob when talking to my friend. How can someone do this? And what exactly is he doing? With the disappearance of the records and Pooh I am assuming he is not just gone for the week.
He finally texts back that he is not good for us right now and that he is angry and hateful. He does not think it is good for him to be there like this.
I ask if he was planning to talk to me about this.
Yes, he says. But he stopped for a drink at a friends and had a few too many. He knows he is supposed to be with the kids the next day while i have a work event that night. We can talk then, he says.
All I can do at that point is cry. I am a strong person and things have been difficult. But this?
I text my boss. I let her know I am not sure when I will be in the next day. I text the therapist we have been meeting with asking for an emergency appointment.
I then walk around the house trying to figure out what is no longer there.
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