If He Had Not Quit The Family I Would Have To Fire Him

Finally was able to sit down with my ex and nail down some of the details. He had not been at all forthcoming. So last night I asked the questions that one would (or should) consider important when considering quitting their job to take a temporary position and move across the country and leave your family. Questions like...how much the job will pay. Will you get benefits. What will your expenses be.

The great new opportunity involves a pay cut of three to five thousand annually. Which would not be a big deal except he is always complaining he has no money. He insists that there are many opportunities to freelance that will pay thousands of dollars apiece. I will believe that when I see it. He is not sure how much his rent will be but says it will be "cheap". No health insurance.

I wrote out his expenses. He should be paying $740 in child support. He pays for the after school program which is $480 per month. I included the $480 in his expenses. With all of his bills and the $480 he has $150 for food. Nothing to cover the $260 in additional child support. And for the last two days he has been insisting he will send extra for babysitting. Really? How?

I brought up that the plane flight between our city and the city to where he is going is a good five hours. It would take a day of travel. And a day to return. So while he promises visits every 4-6 weeks, will they be for 24 hours? No answer. And they would be paid for by the money he plans to earn at the freelance jobs. Huh.

What was amazing was how unconcerned he appeared considering what he is doing. I feel duped. Like I never really knew him.

Here We Go Again...

Well my giddiness over Jacob was short lived as my ex told me the following last night:

He thinks he can commit to staying in our city for five years if he can do the following: accept a job in Florida that will last until May and that starts next week.

Seriously? And guess who hooked him up with the job? The girl he had been talking to without my knowledge last year. Imagine that. Is this in response to my saying I wanted to date?

I don't think it really matters how I feel. He made some comment about not wanting to pass up this opportunity.

This is the entire school year. My son will fall apart and it will be me who has to deal with the horrible behavior. I never got to take a trip for myself and now won't have that opportunity. I had a big hike and a bike road race planned that I will not be able to do as well. Never mind the fact that I will not have any breaks from the kids unless I can get the sitter to come. For $15 per hour. I will have to quit my second job which gives me a deal on my gym membership which means I will have to give up the gym membership too. And what happens when the job ends in may? He will have no income. How will he be able to contribute?

I really should not be surprised. This man is clearly very selfish. What is sad is how jealous I am of the friends I have with custody arrangements where the dad wants to see the kids. I am jealous of this for the kids and for myself. Is it unfair that I want time to myself too? 

My brother says he is looking forward to seeing him in jail when he does not pay the support he is supposed to. I just feel overwhelmed and trapped in my own life.  And this will sound terrible, but I would like to meet someone some day. And how am I going to date or meet people if I never have time away from the kids?

Oh Boy...

Today I met "Jacob".  We had been emailing one another for several months and were finally able to meet. He is a nursing student who is working and in school full time. I knew from our emails that we were on the same page with a lot of things. I had sort of given up on him though, because after a few weeks of regular emails his communication became sporadic. It could have been the end of the summer semester and the chaos that went along with it. Or maybe he had met someone. Regardless, i put him out of my mind.

We met at a coffee shop for lunch. He actually looked a lot like his pictures, which should not be shocking but is....tall. Not as skinny as he appeared in photos but in a good way. Not scrawny. From our emails and his commenting he had a hard time meeting people, I anticipated he would be shy. I was right and had to make a lot of the first efforts toward conversation. Somehow he must have gotten more comfortable because we talked for three hours! He is a handsome man, with a kind of intense look on his face. But when he smiles...his smile lights up his whole face. He is extremely handsome when he smiles!

We talked about many things...his classes, the sorry state of the healthcare system, what led him to go back to school, the obsession folks have with money, our kids, our relationships, how our relationships ended, our feelings about our relationships, our 20's and our lack of deep friendships in our 20's, gender roles, our careers....So interesting...he decided to go back to school for a more meaningful career as he was a car technician. He made great money but was not happy. He was willing to cook and clean and grocery shop while his ex worked but she was not happy with this arrangement. We never know the truth of peoples past so I take it all with a grain of salt. But I would happily take that arrangement.

I admit I really liked him.  I am attracted to him physically but it is the emotional connection that makes me so interested. It was by far the best conversation I have had since embarking on this adventure. And did not need a margarita to have it. 

I hope he liked me. He is definitely shy. When we were leaving I told him we should get together
again and to let me know when he would be free. We will see if he follows up. 

And Last Night I Spoke With...

We will call him "Sean". I had been emailing him through the online dating site. Nice guy. Father of two kids. During the conversation it was hard to tell if he was communicating with me as a potential date or business partner! Which was sort of funny. Sean has been in a bad car accident some time back that took months to recover from. He told me that recently, once fully recovered, he suddenly realized he had an aptitude for physics and information systems. He believes his IQ has increased significantly. And he would love to help me to achieve spiritual enlightenment.

I asked if he has spoken with his doctor about his new abilities. Oddly, he has not.

When Daddy Moves Back Home...

Somehow this came up last night. I don't remember exactly how but it threw me for a loop. I told the kids that it was likely that daddy would not be moving back into the house...the kids start to freak out...I reminded them of a few of their friends whose parents live apart. My son immediately asked if we were divorced...probably because his friends had used that word. I told him no, that we were separated. I told the kids that it seemed their dad did much better not living with people. That living with people made him yell a lot. My son pointed out that he had roommates. Yes, I told him, but he stays in his room most of the time. My daughter, who had initially started to cry but acknowledged things were better at home without dad living there, fell asleep. I spoke for awhile with my son who felt that daddy not living in the house was his fault and that he was "bad".  Not sure I made any headway on that but I tried to assure him that he was not at all bad, that daddy just had a hard time living with others and being s pleasant person. My son also seemed to equate divorce with never seeing the person again.

Well, at least we had some discussion...

Online Dating...And Sneaking Out Of The House at 38....

I mentioned in a prior post I am trying online dating. Why not? I have met four guys in person so far from my efforts....

The first: we will call him Blake. Nice guy with a PHD in Physics or engineering. Socially awkward as many brilliant people are. We met at the rock climbing gym. No real connection, but nice guy. Turns out I had actually already met him on a meet-up group hike.

The second: we will call him Todd. He had I had emailed one another some crzy amount of times before meeting. We had talked about so much already it was nice. I was not attracted to him based on his online photos but enjoyed our conversations. The date went well. Better looking to me in person. But he is 11 years older than me and I don't think he is very active. Nice guy though, so when he asked to get together again I said yes.

The third: "Max" and I had great rapport online, cracking jokes back and forth but spoke of nothing of substance. Our meeting consisted of two hours of him telling me about hunting experiences. Ironic being that I am a vegetarian.

It was during this meeting that I felt like a teenager sneaking out of the house. My ex was going to watch the kids and I told him I was going on a hike. Not sure why. I am new at this. So after I left "Max" I pulled into a parking lot and changed into my hiking clothes before heading home. Funny being that I pay the mortgage.

The fourth: "Poo" gets this name because he was the worst. A big bike rider he wanted to meet for a ride. He is also a fireman. And a jerk. I can assume he took one look at me, decided I was a no, and proceeded to ride without care as to whether I could keep up or was comfortable on the road rather than the bike trail. Funny, for someone so particular about looks, he was an overweight, pasty guy with a very high voice!

And so it goes. I figure this is a numbers game. I won't meet just anyone and feel we need to converse quite a bit online before meeting in person.

In the meantime,if you know any great guys.... ; )

I'm Back....

I have not been posting for awhile...went through a rough patch in early July when I found out from a friend that O, my crush, was seeing someone and apparently "in love". I felt hurt, angry, confused...I don't think it would have been so bad if he has actually told me this during any of the many conversations we had on this topic...but no. I don't understand it but I have moved past it.it was hard because I felt that if any guy could appreciate someone like me it was him...remember I am seeking someone who is cool with the fact that i am not much for makeup or getting my hair done. This seems rare, unfortunately. If O was not into me, than who would be....I also felt hurt on the friendship level. If we were good friends, why not tell me he was seeing someone? Heck, give me hope that I can find someone one day.

Men.

After getting through those emotions, I began online dating in earnest and also took my kids on a 20 hour (each way) road trip to Glacier National Park, where we camped, hiked, swam and generally had a great time. The kids rocked In the car. I think the trip went really well. I enjoyed the driving and it was my first camping experience without friends.

Came back and picked up with the online stuff and have met a few folks. Online dating is an experience. I will write a separate post for that.

Told my ex that I am meaning to start dating. He said he did not expect me to wait for him. Wait for what? He is not out of town in school or work. He is not in another country at war. I told him I don't want to live this way. That I want a partner that lives in the house. He went on about how he does not want to live here...that there is nothing for him here. Yep. Just his family. I asked if he would commit to being here for five years. He said no. Nice. So now that my kids are getting all attached to dad again I know at some point the shoe will drop. I told him that it is probably time for finalizing a divorce. How do you stay married to someone who is unwilling to commit to living in the same state with you and your/their kids?

This kids started school this week. Time flies. Life goes on.