You Had To Take The Garden Tools?

So the man I will now call the Ex quit us again on Monday August 26th when he left to drive across the country to the new job. Keeping on mind that he was not unemployed here. In fact his job paid more than this new job, was permanent and offered health insurance. The new one has no benefits. I really could care less as long as he pays the monthly amount he is supposed to. But he could not pay it while at his old job and surely won't be able to pay it with the new job either.

Whatever.

I have been struggling a lot with this over the last week and a half which is likely why I have not posted. I have read a lot of mystery books on the kindle and slept. I go to work, I get the kids, we hang out, they go to bed and I read or sleep. If I sleep before midnight I am in a funk and I have been crashing at 10:30. Bad sign. His leaving was sort of like being hit over the head with reality. Oh boy. This guy really is a selfish bastard. That was hard to deal with. It feels like I never really knew him.

Of course I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of things....a rental property and our home. Getting kids to and from school. Full time job. homework. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Three weekly therapy appointments, extracurricular stuff, five cats, the yard...And not getting a break from any of this...I think psychologically not knowing when I will get a break is the most challenging.
My babysitter has suddenly turned flaky. And I can't seem to find a new one. And is he really going to come back in may? I have no trust. And he won't have a job so how will I pay for child care?

The kids' behaviors are, understandably, terrible. My son's attitude is worse. My daughter has said several times she "wants to die". She has tried to run away from the after school program. Is throwing things at school and threw a water bottle at me while driving.

I just feel beat.

Funny thing is that I can handle the behaviors. I can handle just about everything. What I am struggling with us the idea that I will not find a partner who wants to be a part of this. Who could blame a guy for not wanting to join this "fun"? I think of the men in my age range who have their
kids a few days a week and they are probably loving their every other weekend of freedom. I don't blame them. I would love it too. Since I don't see any real shared custody in my future, anyone 

I was serious about would have to be willing to commit to full time fatherhood with my kids and part time with his. In a perfect world they would all be OUR kids. But clearly this is not a perfect world. 

I get mad at my divorced or separated friends and their custody arrangements which are more favorable to them getting to breath and maybe find a partner. And they don't have to find a man who is willing to be a dad to their kids because the actual dad is doing a good job. 

I know I am supposed "accept" that this is what it is. I have a friend who is like "oh well" when I express these concerns. Frankly, I don't really feel much like "accepting". I am angry and I am sad and I am tired and I am stressed out. 

I can "accept" that my ex is a self man with a lot of issues. I can "accept" that he may or may not be a part of the kids' lives. I can "accept" that I will likely be raising these kids alone and that I will not meet an actual partner who wants to be a part of this family.

I can "accept" those things. But I don't like it. And let's be honest. When folks are honest with themselves, I doubt they are saying they hope to have two challenging young children to raise on their own while working full time with minimal support. 

And if someone is looking for that, I would love for them to come over and help me out.

Oh and I figured out yesterday the Ex took my garden tools to his work and did not return them. So in addition to not being able to get out to hike or bike I can't do my yard work, which calms me down. He seriously had to take my garden tools?