You Had To Take The Garden Tools?

So the man I will now call the Ex quit us again on Monday August 26th when he left to drive across the country to the new job. Keeping on mind that he was not unemployed here. In fact his job paid more than this new job, was permanent and offered health insurance. The new one has no benefits. I really could care less as long as he pays the monthly amount he is supposed to. But he could not pay it while at his old job and surely won't be able to pay it with the new job either.

Whatever.

I have been struggling a lot with this over the last week and a half which is likely why I have not posted. I have read a lot of mystery books on the kindle and slept. I go to work, I get the kids, we hang out, they go to bed and I read or sleep. If I sleep before midnight I am in a funk and I have been crashing at 10:30. Bad sign. His leaving was sort of like being hit over the head with reality. Oh boy. This guy really is a selfish bastard. That was hard to deal with. It feels like I never really knew him.

Of course I am overwhelmed with the responsibility of things....a rental property and our home. Getting kids to and from school. Full time job. homework. Cleaning. Grocery shopping. Three weekly therapy appointments, extracurricular stuff, five cats, the yard...And not getting a break from any of this...I think psychologically not knowing when I will get a break is the most challenging.
My babysitter has suddenly turned flaky. And I can't seem to find a new one. And is he really going to come back in may? I have no trust. And he won't have a job so how will I pay for child care?

The kids' behaviors are, understandably, terrible. My son's attitude is worse. My daughter has said several times she "wants to die". She has tried to run away from the after school program. Is throwing things at school and threw a water bottle at me while driving.

I just feel beat.

Funny thing is that I can handle the behaviors. I can handle just about everything. What I am struggling with us the idea that I will not find a partner who wants to be a part of this. Who could blame a guy for not wanting to join this "fun"? I think of the men in my age range who have their
kids a few days a week and they are probably loving their every other weekend of freedom. I don't blame them. I would love it too. Since I don't see any real shared custody in my future, anyone 

I was serious about would have to be willing to commit to full time fatherhood with my kids and part time with his. In a perfect world they would all be OUR kids. But clearly this is not a perfect world. 

I get mad at my divorced or separated friends and their custody arrangements which are more favorable to them getting to breath and maybe find a partner. And they don't have to find a man who is willing to be a dad to their kids because the actual dad is doing a good job. 

I know I am supposed "accept" that this is what it is. I have a friend who is like "oh well" when I express these concerns. Frankly, I don't really feel much like "accepting". I am angry and I am sad and I am tired and I am stressed out. 

I can "accept" that my ex is a self man with a lot of issues. I can "accept" that he may or may not be a part of the kids' lives. I can "accept" that I will likely be raising these kids alone and that I will not meet an actual partner who wants to be a part of this family.

I can "accept" those things. But I don't like it. And let's be honest. When folks are honest with themselves, I doubt they are saying they hope to have two challenging young children to raise on their own while working full time with minimal support. 

And if someone is looking for that, I would love for them to come over and help me out.

Oh and I figured out yesterday the Ex took my garden tools to his work and did not return them. So in addition to not being able to get out to hike or bike I can't do my yard work, which calms me down. He seriously had to take my garden tools?

If He Had Not Quit The Family I Would Have To Fire Him

Finally was able to sit down with my ex and nail down some of the details. He had not been at all forthcoming. So last night I asked the questions that one would (or should) consider important when considering quitting their job to take a temporary position and move across the country and leave your family. Questions like...how much the job will pay. Will you get benefits. What will your expenses be.

The great new opportunity involves a pay cut of three to five thousand annually. Which would not be a big deal except he is always complaining he has no money. He insists that there are many opportunities to freelance that will pay thousands of dollars apiece. I will believe that when I see it. He is not sure how much his rent will be but says it will be "cheap". No health insurance.

I wrote out his expenses. He should be paying $740 in child support. He pays for the after school program which is $480 per month. I included the $480 in his expenses. With all of his bills and the $480 he has $150 for food. Nothing to cover the $260 in additional child support. And for the last two days he has been insisting he will send extra for babysitting. Really? How?

I brought up that the plane flight between our city and the city to where he is going is a good five hours. It would take a day of travel. And a day to return. So while he promises visits every 4-6 weeks, will they be for 24 hours? No answer. And they would be paid for by the money he plans to earn at the freelance jobs. Huh.

What was amazing was how unconcerned he appeared considering what he is doing. I feel duped. Like I never really knew him.

Here We Go Again...

Well my giddiness over Jacob was short lived as my ex told me the following last night:

He thinks he can commit to staying in our city for five years if he can do the following: accept a job in Florida that will last until May and that starts next week.

Seriously? And guess who hooked him up with the job? The girl he had been talking to without my knowledge last year. Imagine that. Is this in response to my saying I wanted to date?

I don't think it really matters how I feel. He made some comment about not wanting to pass up this opportunity.

This is the entire school year. My son will fall apart and it will be me who has to deal with the horrible behavior. I never got to take a trip for myself and now won't have that opportunity. I had a big hike and a bike road race planned that I will not be able to do as well. Never mind the fact that I will not have any breaks from the kids unless I can get the sitter to come. For $15 per hour. I will have to quit my second job which gives me a deal on my gym membership which means I will have to give up the gym membership too. And what happens when the job ends in may? He will have no income. How will he be able to contribute?

I really should not be surprised. This man is clearly very selfish. What is sad is how jealous I am of the friends I have with custody arrangements where the dad wants to see the kids. I am jealous of this for the kids and for myself. Is it unfair that I want time to myself too? 

My brother says he is looking forward to seeing him in jail when he does not pay the support he is supposed to. I just feel overwhelmed and trapped in my own life.  And this will sound terrible, but I would like to meet someone some day. And how am I going to date or meet people if I never have time away from the kids?

Oh Boy...

Today I met "Jacob".  We had been emailing one another for several months and were finally able to meet. He is a nursing student who is working and in school full time. I knew from our emails that we were on the same page with a lot of things. I had sort of given up on him though, because after a few weeks of regular emails his communication became sporadic. It could have been the end of the summer semester and the chaos that went along with it. Or maybe he had met someone. Regardless, i put him out of my mind.

We met at a coffee shop for lunch. He actually looked a lot like his pictures, which should not be shocking but is....tall. Not as skinny as he appeared in photos but in a good way. Not scrawny. From our emails and his commenting he had a hard time meeting people, I anticipated he would be shy. I was right and had to make a lot of the first efforts toward conversation. Somehow he must have gotten more comfortable because we talked for three hours! He is a handsome man, with a kind of intense look on his face. But when he smiles...his smile lights up his whole face. He is extremely handsome when he smiles!

We talked about many things...his classes, the sorry state of the healthcare system, what led him to go back to school, the obsession folks have with money, our kids, our relationships, how our relationships ended, our feelings about our relationships, our 20's and our lack of deep friendships in our 20's, gender roles, our careers....So interesting...he decided to go back to school for a more meaningful career as he was a car technician. He made great money but was not happy. He was willing to cook and clean and grocery shop while his ex worked but she was not happy with this arrangement. We never know the truth of peoples past so I take it all with a grain of salt. But I would happily take that arrangement.

I admit I really liked him.  I am attracted to him physically but it is the emotional connection that makes me so interested. It was by far the best conversation I have had since embarking on this adventure. And did not need a margarita to have it. 

I hope he liked me. He is definitely shy. When we were leaving I told him we should get together
again and to let me know when he would be free. We will see if he follows up. 

And Last Night I Spoke With...

We will call him "Sean". I had been emailing him through the online dating site. Nice guy. Father of two kids. During the conversation it was hard to tell if he was communicating with me as a potential date or business partner! Which was sort of funny. Sean has been in a bad car accident some time back that took months to recover from. He told me that recently, once fully recovered, he suddenly realized he had an aptitude for physics and information systems. He believes his IQ has increased significantly. And he would love to help me to achieve spiritual enlightenment.

I asked if he has spoken with his doctor about his new abilities. Oddly, he has not.

When Daddy Moves Back Home...

Somehow this came up last night. I don't remember exactly how but it threw me for a loop. I told the kids that it was likely that daddy would not be moving back into the house...the kids start to freak out...I reminded them of a few of their friends whose parents live apart. My son immediately asked if we were divorced...probably because his friends had used that word. I told him no, that we were separated. I told the kids that it seemed their dad did much better not living with people. That living with people made him yell a lot. My son pointed out that he had roommates. Yes, I told him, but he stays in his room most of the time. My daughter, who had initially started to cry but acknowledged things were better at home without dad living there, fell asleep. I spoke for awhile with my son who felt that daddy not living in the house was his fault and that he was "bad".  Not sure I made any headway on that but I tried to assure him that he was not at all bad, that daddy just had a hard time living with others and being s pleasant person. My son also seemed to equate divorce with never seeing the person again.

Well, at least we had some discussion...

Online Dating...And Sneaking Out Of The House at 38....

I mentioned in a prior post I am trying online dating. Why not? I have met four guys in person so far from my efforts....

The first: we will call him Blake. Nice guy with a PHD in Physics or engineering. Socially awkward as many brilliant people are. We met at the rock climbing gym. No real connection, but nice guy. Turns out I had actually already met him on a meet-up group hike.

The second: we will call him Todd. He had I had emailed one another some crzy amount of times before meeting. We had talked about so much already it was nice. I was not attracted to him based on his online photos but enjoyed our conversations. The date went well. Better looking to me in person. But he is 11 years older than me and I don't think he is very active. Nice guy though, so when he asked to get together again I said yes.

The third: "Max" and I had great rapport online, cracking jokes back and forth but spoke of nothing of substance. Our meeting consisted of two hours of him telling me about hunting experiences. Ironic being that I am a vegetarian.

It was during this meeting that I felt like a teenager sneaking out of the house. My ex was going to watch the kids and I told him I was going on a hike. Not sure why. I am new at this. So after I left "Max" I pulled into a parking lot and changed into my hiking clothes before heading home. Funny being that I pay the mortgage.

The fourth: "Poo" gets this name because he was the worst. A big bike rider he wanted to meet for a ride. He is also a fireman. And a jerk. I can assume he took one look at me, decided I was a no, and proceeded to ride without care as to whether I could keep up or was comfortable on the road rather than the bike trail. Funny, for someone so particular about looks, he was an overweight, pasty guy with a very high voice!

And so it goes. I figure this is a numbers game. I won't meet just anyone and feel we need to converse quite a bit online before meeting in person.

In the meantime,if you know any great guys.... ; )